speak of the indescribable

Invites are out!

2010-05-15T20:06:00.002-04:00

If you didn't get an invite to the new, private blog, please email me at speakoftheblog@gmail.com! I am so excited about getting back into blogging and have so much to write about. I hope to see you all on the other side!

xoxo
cate

Happy Due Date, Buddha

2010-05-06T22:41:00.002-04:00

Hi Sweet Boy,

I can't believe you would be turning a year old tomorrow. I can't imaging how different our lives would be, but I know all things work out the way they should and God had a plan that has now come full circle for us as a family. Your sister has brought us so much joy and we talk to her every day about you and how special you still are to us. You will always hold a special, special place in my heart. You will always be my first baby. No one will ever replace you.

Have a very HAPPY DUE DATE! Give lots of hugs and share tons of smiles.

We love you to the moon and back and to the moon again.

Love,

Momma, Daddy and Baby Abbey

Hapy Easter, Buddha and Abbey!

2010-04-04T10:09:00.002-04:00

We love you both so much and are so thankful for both of you. Buddha, we still think about you daily and I constantly look for rainbows every time it rains. Abbey got to see her first rainbow last week and it meant so much to me! You will always be our first baby and hold such a special place in my heart. Abbey, you are our miracle. You have brought so much love and joy and healing to me and daddy and we thank God for you every day.

We are so very proud of BOTH of you!

Love,

Momma

Happy One Month, Abigail!

2010-03-22T18:22:00.002-04:00

We love you SO much!

If you're wondering...

2010-03-05T21:01:00.002-05:00

We are doing amazing! Abbey is such a blessing and we couldn't have asked for a more perfect, beautiful daughter. She sleeps like a champ, nurses like she was born do to it (even though we are fighting low supply issues-Thanks again, PCOS!) and is more than we could have ever asked for. I will be posting a birth story at some point. Labor and delivery were interesting, but I wouldn't change a single thing about the entire day. Even if it had been the worst experience of my life (which it wasn't), I would do it all over again.

I have not got the new blog up yet, so don't think you've missed the boat if you didn't get an invite yet. This little miracle takes up my entire day (that and being chained to the pump...) so I haven't had a chance to get everything set up just yet. It's coming! I promise!

Abbey is 11 days old.

Introducing....

2010-02-28T13:17:00.005-05:00

Abigail Marie

February 22, 2010 6:45pm

7lbs 0oz 21 Inches

Whoops

2010-02-08T17:41:00.003-05:00

I've been a bad blogger. Honestly, I just haven't felt like blogging. My heart just hasn't been in it lately and time has not been on my side. I am off work now (more on that later) so it sounds like I have tons of free time, but I have tons of things to get done in that seemingly (to me) short amount of time. Here's a brief run down of everything that's been going on:

-I'm officially full term! 37w2d today! As of today, I am 3cm dilated and 50% effaced.
-Abbey and I are both doing great!
-I am still struggling with weight gain, but it's nothing to be really concerned over. Last Monday at my 36 week appt, I lost all 10 pounds I had gained up until that point. So that got me taken out of work and put on modified bed rest and earned me a super fun stay in L&D. The nurses in L&D were super, super nice and I got to go home about 5 hours after I checked in. So no biggie :)
-Abbey's room is FINISHED! I'll post pictures later.
-I'll also catch up on my belly pics from the past few weeks at some point.

And that's really all that's been going on. I've been really enjoying and savoring these last few weeks and have been spending as much time as I can just watching Miss Abbey bounce and move around in my belly. I know I've said it a million times, but I'm going to miss her being inside so, so much. Ben can't wait to get her out, I can't imagine not having her in!

If you have e-mailed me about my private blog, I have your e-mail saved and will get invites out soon. That is probably another reason I haven't blogged over here much. I have a lot of things that are more personal that I am saving and don't really feel comfortable sharing with just anyone. I'll try to get all those invites out this week at some point.

37w2d

33 Weeks!

2010-01-09T19:51:00.002-05:00

How far along? 33 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: I gained TWO pounds! YAY! So as of last Monday, my total weight gain is a whopping FOUR pounds! At our US, Abbey weighed in at 4lbs4oz, so...haha, it balances.
Maternity clothes? I had to break down and order maternity shirts yesterday (by the way-Old Navy has all their clearance at 75% off! They also have $10 off a $50 purchase online-code: CELEBRATE. I got about 15 pieces for less than $50, including shipping).
Sleep: I have had much better luck this week. Once I figured out how to arrange my 8793 pillows in a way that makes me comfortable I am sleeping through the night. YAY!
Best moment this week: Seeing Abbey on the ultrasound Wednesday, clearly bigger than she was a month ago. Watching her move around the screen and see all of her fingers and toes is so much fun and gives us so much to look forward to!
Movement: She is trying to escape. I swear she is. Ben and I laid in bed Tuesday night and watched her roll from side to side and kick and punch. I push her feet and she pushes back. She is really a crazy baby!
Food cravings: Nothing this week, really. My appetite is back in the trashcan.
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Seriously, Bellybutton. GIVE IT UP.
What I miss: Not having reflux!
What I am looking forward to: Our Baby Shower on the 23rd :)
Weekly Wisdom:Soak it all in. I have friends that are just finding out they are pregnant or what gender they are having and I'm almost jealous. I hate the anxiety that comes with pregnancy, especially a pregnancy following a loss, but I loved all the milestones. Leaving first tri, finding out the sex, hitting the half way mark. I can't say enough how much I'll miss this.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (I know this has been the same since the beginning but I honestly believe it.)

What is Abbey up to?

Abbey's senses are continuing to improve -- when light peeks in through your (extremely) stretched belly, her tiny eyelids and irises blink and dilate. And, she can now recognize and react to simple songs… time to start practicing lullabies! Growth (at least inside the womb) is starting to slow, and you may notice baby descend into your pelvis at the end of this month.

^^That's the second to last fruit picture! There's only ONE more! Holy crap!

And since I'm lazy, I didn't update after our appointment on Monday OR our ultrasound on Wednesday. The appointment Monday wasn't exciting. Blood pressure was 117/79, textbook perfect. I gained a whole 2 pounds. Abbey was transverse breech and my belly was measuring exactly 32 weeks.
Wednesday was more exciting because it was ultrasound day! (I can't believe I only have one more ultrasound before I get to see her in person and hold her squishy butt!) She is growing and that's the important thing! So for now, I am staying on Metformin because it does control my PCOS so well and it isn't harming Abbey. She was in the 30% overall last time and her belly measured in the 12%. This time, she was almost in the 40% and her belly had grown to the 15%! YAY Abbey! As you can see in the picture above, 4lbs2oz is the lower average for 32 week babies and our IttyBitty weighed in at 4lbs4oz! I cried I was so happy to see her growing and thriving. Her fluid levels, cord and placenta all looked amazing and as of right now IUGR is NOT a concern for our little one! God is amazing and I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and support!

One last thing, if you left your email address in the comments below, I have it! If you emailed me at speakoftheblog@gmail.com and didn't get a reply, email me again. I think I got everyone back, but it's not unlike me to look over things. I'll be making the jump to the private blog probably in February, so you still have plenty of time to get in touch with me :)

I hope you are all having a great 2010! As soon as I take our Week 33 picture, I'll add both it and Week 32. Promise!

33 Weeks

32 Weeks!

2010-01-02T19:21:00.002-05:00

How far along? 32 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: I am still struggling with my appetite. I'm trying to make sure the calories I am taking in are good calories that will benefit Abbey the most and help her gain weight. My official weigh in is Monday afternoon-wish me luck!
Maternity clothes? Thankfully I got some maternity shirts for Christmas that are really cute and are much more comfy. However, I'm not even sure they will make it through the next 6-7 weeks! I swear I get bigger every day at this point.
Sleep: I don't want to talk about it. But I will. Sleep at this point would be awesome. But between the fact that my hips seriously feel like they might snap in half when I lay on my side, the paralyzing spasms I get in my left hip joint and the radiating reflux that flares up when I go 1 degree past sitting straight up, my sleep is suffering. Really. It's not unbearable and once I get enough pillows (read: literally every pillow in the house) adjusted in just the right way, I can get a good 4-6 hours in at a stretch. Abbey loves to dance as soon as I lay down so I don't really mind staying up to watch her bounce around :)
Best moment this week: WARNING: Totally cheesy moment ahead. I love Ben and I know he loves me. But I was standing in the kitchen this week and he walked up behind me, wrapped his arms around my middle and put his hands over Abbey. It's like she knew it was him because she moved right over to where his hands were on my belly and snuggled in and kicked his hands. It seriously made my heart melt. She's so in love with her daddy already.
Movement: She bounces like crazy and I can't get enough of it. It makes me sad to think this is all coming to an end. I really will miss her feet in my bladder.
Food cravings: Milk. Pineapple. Bagels and cream cheese (but only from Tim Horton's!)
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Give it up, Bellybutton. You're done! Throw int he towel!
What I miss: Not having reflux!
What I am looking forward to: Seeing Abbey at our US January 6!
Weekly Wisdom: Some people will never be happy for you. Forget them. Seriously. I have always found room to be happy for someone else no matter how sad or envious I am of them or their situation. Some people really struggle with that and it's kind of sad. I'd hate to be that self involved.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (I know this has been the same since the beginning but I honestly believe it.)

There is no fruit picture this week, but there will be one next week and it's the second to last one! You have no idea how sad that makes me. I remember when we were back at the apple seed and now we are edging closer to the watermelon. Slow down, time!

I'll try to update Monday after my appt! Hopefully I'll be seeing my OB and not her partner :) If not...there will probably be tears!

Oh, and we will TRY to start our L&D classes again this Tuesday! This is our third attempt (and our last chance) at taking these classes so hopefully they don't drop the ball (again!).

32 Weeks

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T21:43:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable New Year!

We got pretty crazy here at our house. My dad came in, we ordered Pizza Hut, watched The Hangover and were in bed by 12:30am. WHOA. Pretty insane. haha. It was low key and easy and that's all I was looking for.

First, here is my 31 Week Belly Pic from last week:
And that would be Boston, one of our Boxers, being a punk and sneaking into the picture. He LOVES being in Abbey's room even though he knows it is technically off limits. You can tell by his face he knows he is busted.

Anyway, Ben and I were talking today and I almost fell out of my seat when he said "Ya know, we are having a baby next month."

Um, excuse me? Next month? Holy snot. Where has time gone? I remember getting our BFP back in June like it happened yesterday. I'm so not ready for this to be over. I'm really not.I've loved every minute of this pregnancy, even barfing my head off in the shower and readjusting myself 93898 times at night because it feels like my hips might break in half. I know and Ben knows that no matter how much I have enjoyed this pregnancy, this is likely our last. I don't really want to go through the stress of TTC again, I definitely don't want to go through the insanity of Clomid and thousands of dates with dildo cam's again and honestly, I think one baby here is enough. We've got an angel and a baby. What else do we need? We both have good jobs and make pretty good money, so lack of funding isn't keeping us from going for two. There is something stuck in our heads that says one will be enough. We already love Abbey (and Buddha) so much that I can't imagine sharing that love with another. As I've said, we write nothing in stone. If God chooses to bless us again or points us down the road of adoption, we are open to it. But at the moment, it's far from our minds and not remotely close to being in our interests. (By the way, why does everyone ask if we will be having another baby? Can't we get this one here before we have to yield that question?)

Speaking of Buddha, I've slipped back into some sort of funk about losing him lately. I don't know if it's the holidays that remind me I should have a baby in my arms now, taking his pictures as he opens presents, showing him off at family gatherings. Or maybe it's that I constantly get asked about this pregnancy when we go out. It never fails. Someone asks "Is this your first baby?" Ugh. I get a knot in my stomach when I get asked that. It's not our first, but it's just easier to smile and say yes. Then I get this wave of guilt that washes over me that wants to retract that statement and tell them all about Buddha and how great our time with him was and how special he still is to us. But I don't. It's a really awkward spot between a rock and a hard spot. There is no right answer. Buddha is always going to be our angel. Abbey will always (God willing) be our baby. But how do you explain that to a stranger who asks an innocent question in under 10 seconds?

I'm so excited for 2010. I will spend the evenings watching Abbey dance in my belly. Ben will continue to bring me water or pillows or whatever I need at the time. We will hopefully catch a few more movies in the theater before our movie going days are over. We will be welcoming our daughter and completing our family. We will learn how to be parents. We will be growing as a couple (and hopefully not killing each other in the process). We will be going on a lot more adrenaline and a lot less sleep. We will be focusing on spending more time with our families. We will get to watch Abbey grow and learn right in front of us. We are so excited and can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

Buddha, I hope you enjoyed your New Year! I'm sure the celebration up there was more exciting than ours was here at home. Your dad and I still think about you and talk about you every day. You are never far from our hearts or our minds. Please don't think you are ever going to be left behind, as you are permanently attached to my heart. Every day I can feel you slowly mending the hole that was left in my heart the day we lost you. It's not closed yet, but it's getting there. We love you so, so much.

Abbey, I know we both tell you a thousand times a day we love you, but it's so much more than that. You make me smile more times in a day than I can count. You are just like your momma in so many ways. You dance like crazy when I watch my favorite shows. It makes me laugh so hard when I listen to Britney Spears in the car (partly to drive your dad nuts and partly because she is so darn catchy!) and we watch you bounce around at the stoplights. But you are just like your daddy in all the ways that make me love him most. You always give one big stretch right before you settle in for a nap just like he does. You instantly relax when you listen to your Bob Marley lullaby CD. I love watching your daddy light up when he feels you kick so hard. You are our miracle and we can't wait to meet you (next month!).

And Bellybutton, throw in the towel. You've made it 32 weeks. It's okay. Ben and I laugh at your feeble attempts to hang on, but it's getting kinda sad. Every day you are more shallow than you were the day before. You fought the good fight and it's really okay to pop out like a turkey timer now, haha! You will go back to your deep state once again...someday.

31w6d

PS- If you haven't emailed me about a request for the private blog and are interested in still following us, email me at speakoftheblog@gmail.com. I have tried to email those of you have contacted me so you know I received your message. If you don't hear back from me, email me again!

31 Weeks and A Major Score!

2009-12-26T22:36:00.002-05:00

Here we go!

How far along? 31 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: I have had ZERO appetite this week, so the "high calorie" diet isn't exactly going as planned. I'm taking in as much protein as I can to make up for the calories I am not taking in. I go back a week from Monday to weigh in. O_O
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day and still trying to make my regular shirts work. I got several really cute maternity shirts from my MIL for Christmas that will hopefully see me through the end!
Sleep: Oy. I've been REALLY lucky up until this point. I really have. But this past week has been brutal in the sleep department. I sleep when I can, but between getting up to pee (which thankfully is still only once a night and that just started this past week-up until now I've been sleeping through the night), the hip pain and my ribs feeling like they were going to split down the middle, sleep is definitely getting harder. I wouldn't trade it for anything though.
Best moment this week: Being pregnant at Christmas. In my own odd little world, there is something special about being pregnant at Christmas. I am so thankful I got to experience it. Abbey bounced around and moved all day and that really was the best gift I could have ever asked for (but the iPod touch was a close second!).
Movement: She bounces like crazy and I can't get enough of it. It makes me sad to think this is all coming to an end. I really will miss her feet in my bladder.
Food cravings: M&M Cookie from Great American Cookie Co. I've had 2 this week. Ooops.
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Going, going.....
What I miss: Nothing at the moment...
What I am looking forward to: Seeing Abbey at our US January 6!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every minute. I am so sad this whole experience is almost over. This is probably our last pregnancy so I know it's possible I'll never feel a baby bounce around and wiggle in my belly. I can't even talk about it without tearing up.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (I know this has been the same since the beginning but I honestly believe it.)

Sadly, there is no fruit/veggie pic this week. There is a belly pic, but I haven't uploaded them just yet. It's coming. I promise. Probably...tomorrow.

Now, this major score I mentioned above. I have been collecting (read:hoarding) diaper coupons and formula coupons and any other coupons I can get my hands on since the second we found out we were pregnant back in June...and maybe even before then. Many of them were nearing their expiration date so I made 938 different little stacks, one for diapers, one for formula, toys, wipes, gear, etc. I noticed some were store coupons (specifically Target) and the others were from manufacturers. So I googled around and asked a few friends for the inside scoop on all these coupons and got more than I expected. Apparently you can stack 1 manufacturers coupon with a Target coupon. So here's what I did: I paired up 1 Manuf. coupon with whatever Target coupon I had. Then I checked to see if you had to buy multiple things (ie: diapers AND wipes) in order to use the coupons. Then I checked to see if I had a coupon that I could use with the "other" item from the initial coupon. I then I stacked three coupons for two different items, taking as much as $9 off the two items. Make sense? No? It's hard to explain, so let's add brand names.

I had 1 Manf coupon for $3 off 1 package of Pampers diapers AND wipes, 1 Target coupon for $3 off a package of Pampers diapers and 1 Target coupon for $3 off 1 package of Pampers wipes (and I had three of each of those, so I used this whole thing three times over, all on the same check out order). So I got 1 box of Pampers and 1 package of wipes and used all three coupons on the two items.

So, by the time I had used some of my stash of coupons up, we left Target 3 large boxes of diapers, 3 large packs of wipes, 2 cans of Similac powder formula and 1 bottle of ready made Similac formula for less than $40! (Our initial total was almost $90, ending total, after coupons was $42.05, but I bought some socks and a few clearance Christmas items). I think the best buy was the formula. The ready made bottle was $5.34 before the coupon. I had a $5 off coupon which left the bottle costing .34 cents! I also had a $5 off any baby purchase of $25 or more that I was able to throw in on top of everything.

Moral of the story: USE YOUR COUPONS. Not using them is literally throwing money in the trash. And if you don't use yours, send them to me, hahaha!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and got everything you could have ever wanted!

31Weeks

Merry Christmas, Buddha!

2009-12-25T18:40:00.003-05:00

Hi, Baby Boy!

I hope you are having the very best Christmas up there! Your dad and I miss you so much, especially around the holidays, but THANK YOU for the Christmas gift today! We were in the middle of an ugly rain storm on the way home from Grammy's house and as soon as we peaked over a huge hill we saw a big, fat, bright rainbow! It was beautiful and instantly made me tear up. I'm so glad you remembered us and said hi! It's so great to know you are doing well.

Your sister is going crazy right now on my bladder :) She's so silly and I think she is going to be a lot like you. We have some of the things we bought for you set up in her room. I'm sure you won't mind sharing...right? Haha.

Your dad and I are so, so blessed and thankful that we get to call you ours. We will never, ever forget what a huge part of our life that we were and still are. One of our biggest goals with Abbey is to make sure she knows everything about you and how lucky she is to already have a guardian angel.

We love you so, so much baby boy. Be good.

Love,
momma

30 Weeks (!)

2009-12-22T18:58:00.003-05:00

YIKES! We are really in the home stretch now, aren't we!

How far along? 30 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Gained one over the past two weeks despite upping my calories and protein. Up 2 pounds overall.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day and still trying to make my regular shirts work. I am hoping to buy as few maternity shirts as possible!
Sleep: I have to admit, it's getting harder. My hips and ribs HURT. But once I'm asleep, I usually sleep straight through the night, it's just getting to sleep that's the hard part.
Best moment this week: Making it to 30 weeks. I still can't believe it.
Movement: She bounces like crazy and I can't get enough of it. I already know I'll miss this.
Food cravings: Apple juice, apples, applesauce. Anything apple. (STILL)
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Going, going.....
What I miss: Nothing at the moment...
What I am looking forward to: Seeing Abbey at our US January 6!
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy every minute. I am so sad this whole experience is almost over. This is probably our last pregnancy so I know it's possible I'll never feel a baby bounce around and wiggle in my belly. I can't even talk about it without tearing up.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (I know this has been the same since the beginning but I honestly believe it.)

What is Abbey up to this week?

Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleeping and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

All that^ stays the same until Week 32, so don't expect another fruit picture for the next few weeks!

And now for Show&Tell :)

**I can't find my 28 Week picture. I'm going to be really upset if I either (A) forgot to take one or (B) lost the pic entirely.

29 Weeks

30 Weeks

Yowza.

And now for the real Abbey update.

We had our regular appt yesterday with my OB and everything went great. Despite being on the different diet, I only managed to gain 1 pound, not the 3-5 they were looking for. BUT gaining is better than losing. My blood pressure looked great (117/77) and Abbey's heart rate was great (152bpm). We talked at length about why Abbey looks to be small right now.

1. IUGR which in my case would be due to lack of maternal weight gain. Like I said before, since we are fairly certain Abbey has no genetic issues (NT Scan and quad screen came back clean) and since I don't do illegal drugs, lack of weight gain on my part could be one reason she is small, which is why they are pushing me to gain gain gain.

(And here's where it gets tricky and it's really hard to explain, so bear with me.)

2. Metformin. I have to be on Metformin to control my PCOS and keep my ovaries from exploding with cysts. The Metformin helps the hormones going to my ovaries know what to do as to keep cysts from growing.However, Metformin is a drug most commonly used to treat diabetics. I am not a diabetic. If anything, my sugars run on the lower side of normal as opposed to the higher side. Metformin is also known for causing weight loss. Metformin is also starting to be related to smaller (yet still healthy!) babies. Let's try a flow chart of sorts.

-I need the Metformin to control my PCOS.
-I don't need the Metformin to control diabetes because I'm not diabetic.
-The Metformin is keeping me from gaining weight.
-I can't come off the Metformin because it is doing such a good job at keeping my ovaries disease free.
-The Meformin may be what is restricting Abbey's growth.

Simply put, we are stuck for the moment. The great news is all Abbey's major organs (brain, heart, lungs, kidneys) look great and are right on track. Her cord looks great. Her fluid levels are great. She's just a small baby. We have another US in 2 weeks to check her growth and come up with a game plan for the remaining 6-8 weeks of this pregnancy.

So. We are thankful. There is nothing wrong, just a little added stress for me. I am not considered high risk at the moment and Abbey is not in any danger. We just want her to chub up a bit.

And I think that catches everything up.

One more thing. I have made the decision to go private following Abbey's arrival. I will be moving to a new, private blog that will require you to have a username and password to log view the blog. I'm doing this for several reasons, but mostly for our privacy. I don't want pictures of our daughter just floating around on the internet for anyone to see. This blog will remain public and I might update over here once in a while (minus pictures) for those who don't want to make the move, but I promise nothing.

So if you want in, please email me at speakoftheblog@gmail.com. I think I can take 100 different readers so everyone that is a "follower" now should be able to get in over "there". Family will get invites first, then friends.

WHEW! That was a long entry! If you made it this far, go get yourself a cookie!

I hope you all have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! Remember the reason for the season :)

Number One Sign You Are Too Tired To Put Together An Exersaucer...

2009-12-09T20:56:00.002-05:00

There is a recall out for our exersaucer, so I decided (at 8:30 at night after a long day) to open ours and see if it was one of with the serial number being recalled (it wasn't-Thank God! It was the model before ours). So...since it was open, I decided I'd build it. It can't be that hard, right?

Wrong.

First, I couldn't get the seat to snap in correctly. After much tugging and pulling, I get the cloth seat snapped into it's position.

Then, I couldn't get the legs to snap on. They are plastic freaking legs. It should not be that hard. So I pushed and shoved and twisted those damn legs ever which way you can think but they would not snap in. Eventually, I got one to snap in. With my finger still between each piece of plastic. Um. Ow. Ow actually isn't the word. It's much harsher. I pulled the pieces apart, threw them across the room and just burst into tears. It was not until then that it occurred to me that I just might be too tired and hormonal to put together an exersaucer (that she won't even need for another 6 months) tonight. But I get on these tangents where I think things have to be done that very minute. Ben heard the commotion and came to Abbey's room where I was "working" to find me in my undies, a tank top, surrounded by pink and green pieces of plastic sobbing. God love him for not laughing. All he said was "I think you are too tired to do this tonight. Why don't you go ahead to bed."

So here I am. In bed. Nursing my poor finger and my ego while he works on her exersaucer in the next room.

Let this be a lesson to you all. When you know you are too tired to do something, don't even attempt it.

In other news, Abbey is doing great! She's been a maniac today. On my way home, I stopped by Dairy Queen to pick up a milkshake. I ordered a small and the girls behind the counter asked if it was for me or the baby. I quickly said it was kind of for both of us since we both need to add a few pounds over the next two weeks. They laughed and asked a few more questions before one of the girls returned with a LARGE shake. They said to consider it for the baby, refused to let me pay the difference and sent me on my way. Very sweet! But- have you ever seen a LARGE shake from DQ? It's like a freakin 10 gallon drum! Who honestly needs that much? It was one of those cups you almost have to hold with both hands, lol. Out of sheer curiosity I had to look up the nutrition info when I got home. Are you sitting down? 1130 Calories. ELEVEN HUNDRED AND THIRTY CALORIES. Holy Lord. Seriously. I drank it down (poor me, right?) but promptly barfed about 1/2 of it back up. So there goes those calories. I didn't barf it up because of an pregnancy related nausea. I barfed it up because that is an obscene amount of calories to take in and 20 minutes and my body said "Heeeeeeeeeck no", haha! I barfed it up because NO ONE should drink an 1100 calorie milkshake.

So another lesson learned there. Always (politely) turn down milkshake upgrades. Or have some self control and don't drink the entire thing.

28w4d

28 Week Appt.

2009-12-08T21:37:00.003-05:00

It wasn't great news, but it wasn't terrible. I'll start from the beginning.

So the three pounds I had gained (overall)...pretty much gone. I lost 2 pounds. So we are at one pound total for weight gain. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't skinny pre-pregnancy, but I still should have gained more than 1 pound by now. I'm losing weight which is keeping Abbey from gaining appropriately. Which leads to the next issue.

Abbey is pretty small. Her belly is only measuring in the 12% and overall she is in the 32% for babies at her gestational age. Her head, limbs, organs, fluid levels, cord and placenta all look good right now, she just is a little behind, growth wise.

So now the plan is for me to increase my caloric intake and gain some pounds. Every one keeps saying "Load up on ice cream and Chinese!". Uh, yea, that sounds fun, but (1) I don't feel like eating 99% of the time and when I do, it's never much and (2) I want to gain the weight in a healthy way, not by loading up on junk. I'm loading up on complex carbs and protein in an effort to gain weight but to it in a healthy manner.

AND It sounds like I'm having a C-section. O_O

My ovaries are apparently a real mess. My right one, anyway. From the US yesterday she can tell is it practically ruined and would rather me not have it. Apparently "diseased" ovaries are more likely to develop cancerous places on them and what not, so I'm likely better off without it. Lefty is doing ok and is the ovary we triggered from for Abbey, so I guess the right is a dud anyway.

And if Abbey stays small, she would rather deliver her by csec. Smaller babies sometimes don't do as well with vaginal deliveries and a csec i usually less stressful on them.

She said ultimately the decision is mine, but I really trust her and her partner with my care 100%. If they feel this is best for Abbey, I believe them.

Also, they are going to monitor Abbey every 10-14 days to check her growth and monitor my weight gain. If at 37 weeks she is still tiny, they will do an amnio and go ahead and deliver her. IUGR is one of her concerns and she said those babies tend to do better on the outside than in. Babies with IUGR sometimes have genetic issues or have drug addicted mothers and since neither is the case with our Abbey, lack of maternal weight gain is our only answer. She has not been diagnosed with IUGR at this point and we are really hoping to avoid it which makes it even more important for me to pack on some pounds.

This all makes me really sad. I'm a mess. I feel like a total eff up. I can't get pregnant on my own. Now I can't even provide well enough for her on the inside. How am I going to be a good mom when she is on the outside if I can't provide for her now.

But right now I really don't have time for a pity party. All my energy is being focused towards her and making her grow big and strong. Our goal is full term, but ultimately we know God is in control and will watch over us and take care of Abbey.

We really appreciate any prayers you can spare. We want a full term, healthy little girl and I really believe prayers can get us there.

28w3d

Sweet!

2009-12-05T22:37:00.004-05:00

Thanks to PCOS, I got the privilege of taking the one hour glucose challenge TWICE.

YAY.

Not really...But whatever I have to do to keep me and Abigail healthy, right? I passed the first one a few weeks ago with a score of 114 (way below the failing mark). I hoped that since I had passed the first one by such a large margin they wouldn't make me take the second one. No dice. So I took it again Friday morning and passed with a 110 this time! Even better! So no more glucose tests for me!

My blood pressure looked awesome (124/79) too, so it was a great day!

And today? I washed sheets, cleaned the master bathroom and bedroom, folded (more of) Abbey's clothes (seriously running out of room!), Windex-ed all the mirrors and shot this awesome video. Please admire my lovely belly, lol. No stretch marks yet, but I am getting bigger by the day so I can only assume they are going to strike soon. Ben and I watched her move and dance around for almost an hour but as soon as we got out the camera out she settled in and got comfy. Stubborn girl. I have no idea who she gets her attitude from! Honest!

Other than that, we are all doing great! We reached the 28 week mark today which is both awesome, exciting and scary all at the same time. Just the thought that we could have a baby in ten weeks is mind numbing to me (and Ben!). I've been dealing with some bittersweet feelings regarding this pregnancy and all the fun milestones we are hitting and the fact that it is all coming to an end soon and the fact that we missed all this with Buddha. It's hard sometimes. I got really overwhelmed Thursday but thankfully Ben was home and just let me cry it out and take a nap. Just as soon as I think the healing process with Buddha is over, all the feelings of sadness and loss rip through me and I feel like part of the healing starts over. I wish we had gotten to experience all of this with Buddha, but I wouldn't trade Abigail for the world. I feel like I am almost forced to choose between the two of them even though it's impossible to do that. A power greater than I can even imagine made the decision for me and I trust that decision with my entire heart, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. At the end of the day, I know I have a baby boy who taught me more in 9 weeks than I could have ever hoped to learn in a life time and who I am so insanely proud of and a baby girl who is teaching me how to trust and love again and melts my heart every moment of the day. I am so, so blessed to have them both and I can't thank God enough for allowing me to be their mom.

28Weeks

27 Weeks!

2009-11-30T22:37:00.002-05:00

I'm really trying to get back in the swing of blogging but time has not been my friend lately. So here's the 27 Week post and some pics to hold you over!

How far along? 27 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Three pounds total
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day and still trying to make my regular shirts work. I am hoping to buy as few maternity shirts as possible!
Sleep: Love it. Love it. Love it. Getting all I can.
Best moment this week: Hitting the third trimester!
Movement: She bounces like crazy and I can't get enough of it. I already know I'll miss this.
Food cravings: Apple juice, apples, applesauce. Anything apple.
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Going, going.....
What I miss: Nothing at the moment...
What I am looking forward to: Our next appt, Dec. 7. I love my OB and can't wait to see her again!
Weekly Wisdom: Make the decisions that are best for you and your family, not ones that will pacify others. How you deliver, feed and raise your child is your business. Don't let others opinions sway you from what you feel will work best for your family. (same)
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)

What is Abbey up to this week?

Let your spouse put an ear to your belly -- he might be able to pick up baby's heartbeat (no stethoscope required). Inside the womb, the formation of tiny capillaries is giving Abbey a healthy pink glow. She's also soaking up my antibodies, getting the immune system ready for life outside the womb. Eyes are forming, and she will soon perfect the blink -- perfect for batting those freshly grown lashes.

All that^ stays the same until Week 28, so don't expect another fruit picture for the next few weeks!

And now for Show&Tell :)

26Weeks

27Weeks

Stay tuned for my (late) Thanksgiving post! I promise it's coming!

A Quick Rant...

2009-11-23T21:50:00.002-05:00

If one more person says:

"Oh just you wait"

"This is only the beginning"

"You have no idea what you are in for"

"Say good-bye to your old life"

or any other negatively toned comment towards being pregnant/having a baby, I will seriously punch you in the throat. It gets effing old.

We had to years to "just wait". By the time Abbey gets here, it will be 4 months short of THREE years.

This is our new "beginning" and we are very much looking forward to it.

Of course we have no idea what we are in for. We know it will be hard and trying at times, but it will also be much wanted and prayed for.

And as for our "old life"- it was amazing, we had amazing times. But our "new life" is going to be so much more amazing than anything we experienced with just the two of us.

So keep all the negative comments to yourself. If you don't have anything nice to say about being pregnant/having children, save them for the next unhappy person who is willing to share in your misery. Because this optimistic, naive infertile and her husband are much looking forward to everything having a child entails.

26w2d

Baby Shower #1

2009-11-20T19:30:00.002-05:00

My first baby shower was last weekend! I still can't believe I just typed that out. The entire time mom and I were down there I honestly couldn't process that we were in Charlotte for my baby shower. When the balloon lady at the grocery store asked if I was having a girl or boy I almost looked around to make sure she was talking to me. I forget I actually look pregnant now. When I was changing my clothes and getting ready for the shower, I almost started crying. I couldn't grasp this was really happening. We've come such a long way in the past year and it's hard to believe now is our time. It's our turn. It's so surreal.

My childhood friend, Carol, was nice enough to offer her house up as a location for the shower. Her house is just about the cutest thing ever and it was so, so generous of her to offer up her time and home to us! My mom, aunt and Ma along with a handful of high school friends attended the shower. We had an awesome table full of food, a table overflowing with gifts for Abigail and hours of great conversation. I am unbelievably thankful for all the gifts and cards and for the time people set aside to come out and celebrate our little one. I know how busy people are these days and it meant the world to me that these ladies set aside a few hours of their time to come out.

All the ladies (minus my mom)

The diaper wreath Carol made! How cute!

The spread! Chick-Fil-A tray, fruit&veggie trays, cookie tray and CAKE! YUM!

The favors-Pink M&M's and pink Starburst candy! The fabric on the top of the jars is the fabric my mom used to make her bedding!

Thanks again to everyone who came out! Abbey scored a ton of stuff off her registry, many necessities, a few out fits, a handmade sweater and tummy time blanket from my mom and a hand made blanket (and a stock pile of diapers) from my Ma. I really need to start on the "Thank You" cards ASAP.

I suppose I should update a few Belly Pics too, huh? I can tell a HUGE difference between Week 21 and Week 25- and I'm only going to get bigger. It's a scary thought!

24 Weeks

25 Weeks

That's all I'm going to update tonight! We hit 26 Weeks tomorrow! Holy Snot! We are so thankful every day for this HUGE blessing and are loving every minute of this pregnancy. We had another great Dr appt this week (more on that tomorrow) and can't thank God enough for getting us this far (relatively) complication free!

25w6d

25 Weeks!

2009-11-16T19:47:00.002-05:00

So, I am aware I suck at blogging lately. Between traveling, working and getting things ready for Abbey, I have NO time (not to mention the 4 hour naps that take up my afternoons).

Short Update: Things are going well! Abbey is moving constantly and growing like a weed. I'm sure I had to have gained weight by this point, I have been eating like a mad woman! I'm hungry all the time. Abbey LOVES all fruit and chocolate milk :) I had our first baby shower this week and as soon as I get the pics loaded, I'll post them. The shower was amazing and I can't thank my mom enough for throwing such an awesome party for our Abbey. Everyone who came was so, so generous and really went above and beyond for our little girl. We are so blessed and thankful!

I'll post more later, but right now, my dinner is getting cold and, as usual, I'm STARVING!

25w2d

In Case There Is Any Doubt....

2009-10-28T21:48:00.002-04:00

Abigail is 100% Ben's daughter.

How do I know this?

Well...number one, we were so busy with each other when she was conceived, if you know what I mean, I didn't have the time to run around on him, haha.

Number two? She is instantly calmed by Bob Marley, jams to Elton John, loves Ramen noodles (I've had them 3 times in the past week. Hey, my sodium is still low anyway, so why not indulge?), and she is up bouncing around and dancing all night and likes to sleep a lot during the day (Ben works night shift so he is up all night and sleeps all day).

I think I love her more because she seems to be so much like Ben. He drives me crazy and at times causes me to spew profanity but I love him to the core and can't wait to see him with our daughter.

22w4d

21-22 Weeks, Pics and A Video!

2009-10-25T20:20:00.005-04:00

Here I am! So sorry for the absence! Is it true though? Did it make your heart grow fonder? I doubt it, so here is the 22 Week survey, 21 and 22 week Belly Pics AND (since you are all so understanding) a link to the video we shot of Abigail's room last night. We got her crib and the rest of her furniture built (Thanks, Ben and Dad!) and a good chunk of her laundry done (Thanks, Mom!). My goal is to have it all finished by Thanksgiving so we can relax and enjoy the holidays with each other and our families.

How far along? 22 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss:Gained three whole pounds over the past month, but still at a loss overall.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts are growing less and less common, especially with my recent growth spurt.
Sleep: Still loving it but not neeeeeeding the way I was in past weeks. I think I'm in the "feeling good, second wind" part of pregnancy. I still get the occasional nap, but not as often as I used to.
Best moment this week: Getting ALL the nursery furniture built and celebrating our second wedding anniversary!
Movement: She bounces like crazy and I can't get enough of it. I already know I'll miss this.
Food cravings: Smarties. Yes, the sugary, nasty candy. I love them!
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Getting more and more shallow.
What I miss: Nothing at the moment...
What I am looking forward to: Our next appt November 18 (hopefully with my regular doctor, not her partner-more on that hopefully this week).
Weekly Wisdom: Make the decisions that are best for you and your family, not ones that will pacify others. How you deliver, feed and raise your child is your business. Don't let others opinions sway you from what you feel will work best for your family.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)
I have to add, RLP and sciatic pain have started over the past few days and they are NO JOKE. Sweet Baby Jesus, it will knock the wind right out of you or leave you curled in the fetal position for a considerable amount of time.

So what is Abbey up to this week?

Watch what you say -- Abbey is now able to hear outside noise from down in the womb. Studies show that baby finds gentle music and your own voice most soothing. Nipples are starting to sprout, and that little face is fully formed. And, she is starting to settle into sleep cycles, snoozing about 12 to 14 hours a day. It shouldn't be hard to figure out when -- just pay attention to those kicks and as to when they stop and start.

All that^ stays the same until Week 25, so don't expect another fruit picture for the next few weeks!

And now the promised Belly Pics- look for the "Pop!"!

21 Weeks
Annnnnnnnnd 22 Weeks

Someone had a growth spurt...and I can feel it! She feels more settled into my pelvis. I still think she is breech, just like she has been this entire time. I feel her feet waaay down low and less movement up higher. She still has plenty of time to turn herself, so I'm not worried.

And to fulfill my final promise, the link to the video of Abbey's room! This comes with one stipulation- you can NOT watch it if you don't agree to look over the clutter and general chaos of the room right now! If you can agree to that, here is the link: ClickMe.

And that's it! I really am going to try to be more diligent about my blogging this week-I've really slacked off lately! I just need more hours in the day!

A Late Entry...

2009-10-14T18:49:00.002-04:00

The 20w (actually the 20w3d) belly pic...posted at 20w4d...I can't win them all, haha!

AND just for being so patient, a sneak peak into Abbey's room (please excuse the clutter!).

The trim work still needs to be done (all the brown trim is being painted white to match the chair rail), then we have to build the rest of her furniture and hang pictures and WE ARE DONE! W00T!

Hugs&Kisses

20w4d

PS-Please note: If you email me, please look to the column on the right! The email addy has changed! My old address was starting to get spammed way too much and I wasn't receiving half of my emails anymore! I love to hear from you, just make sure it's going to the new address!

::gulp::

2009-10-13T16:59:00.003-04:00

We (Ben and I) have spent the afternoon on the phone with pediatricians in our area. Our number one pick is not accepting patients. The next two we were debating between were both accepting patients with private insurance (which we have), but only one of them did prenatal interviews. So clearly, we went with them. We go on November 6 for our interview with who we hope to be Abbey's pediatrician.

HOLY COW.

It still hasn't really sunk in that we are having a baby. Even though I feel her move, we are almost finished with her nursery, we are setting up pediatrician appt's and getting more serious about due dates, I still don't believe we are having a baby.

Hugs&Kisses

20w3d

20 Weeks (2 Days)!

2009-10-12T21:20:00.002-04:00

I'm late and with no pic. This past weekend was hectic...what can I say? I'll do better next week.

How far along? 20 Weeks! HALF WAY!
Total weight gain/loss: Still down overall. I have been eating like a trucker, so I have likely gained something.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. Love them all.
Sleep: Loving it! Sleeping 8 hours a night and sneaking in a 2-3 hour nap every day.
Best moment this week: Getting ALL our nursery furniture paid for and picked up!
Movement: Ben felt Abbey move for the first time yesterday night and it was awesome. She woke me up at 3 this morning and kept me up til about 5:30am having her own personal dance party, but I didn't mind. I loved laying there feeling her bounce around.
Food cravings: MILK! I seriously still can't get enough!
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? Getting more and more shallow.
What I miss: Sex. I've been on pelvic rest since JUNE people. JUNE. Ben's being a trooper and not complaining, but I miss it.
What I am looking forward to: Our next appt Oct 21
Weekly Wisdom: Don't let people get to you. Chances are, you are better than them anyway.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)
AND getting the nursery painted (pics to come) and getting the bookshelf and the desk to complete the nursery (again, thanks to my MIL!). (If you are wondering why we are getting an infant a desk, it's because we are not getting a changing table. We will put the changing pad on the table. I love the fact that there are drawers on the side so I can throw her diaper cream and stuff in there and it won't be a wasted piece of furniture in 6 months time.)What is Abbey up to this week?

Baby's digestive system is busy creating meconium (a tarry black substance made of swallowed amniotic fluid, digestive secretion and dead cells), which will fill the first diaper after birth. And, speaking of the diaper situation... baby's genitals are now fully formed!

AND

Congrats to my brother and his girlfriend on their new Baby Boy, Bryce! I guess I'm officially an aunt now. All negativity and hard feelings aside, I'm glad their baby had a safe, easy and healthy delivery.

Hugs&Kisses

20w2d

Three HUGE Things....

2009-10-11T21:12:00.002-04:00

1. Thanks to my ever generous MIL, we now have ALL the furniture for Abbey's room! The dresser, night stand, bookshelf and desk (which we are using instead of a changing table). I am so thrilled! I can't wait to see it all put together.

2. We have started painting her nursery. The pink we are using is HOT pink and I freakin love it! The bottom will be black and the chair rail will remain white. Here is a sneak peak from my blackberry. It is NOT the best picture, but it gives you an idea as to what we are doing.

3. BEN FELT ABBEY KICK! Best.Moment.Yet. I am so excited for him! I get to feel her bounce around all the time, so getting to share that with Ben was so great. We are so blessed!

Hugs&Kisses

20w1d

19 Weeks (kinda)

2009-10-08T21:48:00.002-04:00

Our 19th week will be a short week! They are officially moving me up 4 days making me 19w5d today instead of 19w1d. So YAY! That's one step (or 4 steps depending on how you look at it) closer to meeting our Abbey!

How far along? 19 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Still down. My OB wants to see SOME sort of weight gain by my next appt in 2 weeks. O_O
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. Love them all.
Sleep: Loving it! Sleeping 8 hours a night and sneaking in a 2-3 hour nap every day.
Best moment this week: Seeing Abbey for a full 40 minutes on our ultrasound yesterday!
Movement: It's getting so much stronger! It used to be little taps and bumps, but now they are getting stronger and more consistent. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant until I get a good kick in the bladder (which I can't get enough of!).
Food cravings: MILK!
Gender: GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Dr. Pepper (still)!
What I am looking forward to: Our next appt Oct 21
Weekly Wisdom: If it doesn't sound good, don't eat it just for the sake of eating something so your husband will shut up. It is NOT worth it!
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)
AND having both our Target and BRU registries finished and up! AND AND we (meaning my MIL) bought the paint for Abbey's nursery! So, so, so nice of her!
What is Abbey up to this week?

Vernix Caseosa , a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.

19 Week Belly Pic

From the front:

Not much to see, right? (I promise I'll take pics with something OTHER than my blackberry someday!)

And from the side:

I'll be back on Saturday with the new weekly update! See you then!

Hugs&Kisses

18 Weeks!

2009-09-30T23:20:00.002-04:00

Almost half way done! Keep growing, Abbey!

How far along? 18 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Still down overall and showing no signs of catching up. My appetite blows lately. Ben gets on me about eating enough, but as long as Abbey is growing, I think she is fine. He (jokingly) said he was ready for late night Wendy's runs, raging cravings and buffets when we found out we were pregnant and, so far, it has not been like that at all! Poor guy!
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. Love them all.
Sleep: Loving it! Sleeping 8 hours a night and sneaking in a 2-3 hour nap every day.
Best moment this week: Feeling movement more often :)
Movement: It's getting so much stronger! It used to be little taps and bumps, but now they are getting stronger and more consistent. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant until I get a good kick in the bladder (which I can't get enough of!).
Food cravings: Hot dogs! So gross, but I want them at least 2 nights a week. It's hard to find nitrate free hot dogs, so I don't get my fix as often as I want.
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Dr. Pepper (still)!
What I am looking forward to: Our US on October 7.
Weekly Wisdom: Love every minute of your pregnancy. I am so excited for February to get here, but remind myself to enjoy every day of this pregnancy while our Abbey is still on the inside.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)
And having my first fight with Target over our registry (it's STILL not showing online! STILL!)

What is Abbey up to this week?

Abbey has become amazingly mobile (at least compared to you), passing the hours yawning, hiccuping, rolling, twisting, kicking, punching, sucking and swallowing.

And the 18 Week belly, for your viewing pleasure:

I think it looks smaller than last week, but everyone at work keeps talking about how cute the bump is, so who knows.

Hugs&Kisses

I have a bone to pick with all you mothers....

2009-09-27T19:04:00.002-04:00

WHY was I never warned about the poop vac? I have been warned about crapping all over the delivery table, but having all my poo sucked out by a shop vac prior to delivery?! WHY was I never told?

My younger brother, also the World's Most All-Knowing OB expert, informed me of this last week. He swears it is gospel truth. They use it for every delivery, every time. His girlfriend's OB informed them of this medical machine at their appointment last week (keep in mind, this is the same OB who claims US measurements are exact).

So, blog world, thanks for nothing.

Hahaha! I'm totally kidding. Well, not about the poop vac. After using several mom friends as my own personal WebMD, I confirmed what I though-totally false. No one, to date, has yet to hear of this alleged poop vac. I love you all dearly and thought you might benefit from a good laugh!

Abbey and I are doing well, we have had a busy weekend of nesting (which my house appreciated). Our next US appt is October 7, but surely I will find something to update about before then.

Hugs&Kisses

17w4d

17 Weeks

2009-09-23T21:04:00.003-04:00

Three posts in three days? This is like a record or something.

How far along? 17Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Down another 2. And because I'm not gaining weight, I have to have the gestational diabetes screening early. Lameass PCOS puts me at a higher risk for GD anyway and the fact that I'm not gaining weight is concerning to my OB, so early screening it is (gaining too much weight is also a soft sign of GD- I can't win).
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. Love them all. Especially my slim cut Old Navy jeans. LOVE them.
Sleep: Loving it! Sleeping 8 hours a night and sneaking in a 2-3 hour nap every day.
Best moment this week: Feeling movement more often :)
Movement: Crazy baby, especially when I sit down after moving around or walking a lot.
Food cravings: Apples. Apple ANYTHING. I went through a dozen BIG apples last week, not to mention all the juice AND applesauce! I love them.- Still loving apples this week!
Gender: GIRL!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Dr. Pepper!
What I am looking forward to: Our US on October 7.
Weekly Wisdom: The more you ignore ignorant advice/opinions from people who talk out their butt holes, the happier you are.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel. I know this has been the same pretty much every week, but it's stiiiiiiiill how I feel)
And-WE REGISTERED!

What is Baby Abbey up to?

Baby's skeleton is hardening, changing from rubbery cartilage to bone, and fat is finally accumulating around it. The umbilical cord is getting thicker and stronger, and her little fingers and toes are now topped by one-of-a-kind prints.

And the 17 week belly :)

Hugs&Kisses

17 Weeks

PS- We seem to be moving closer to a Valentine's Baby after every appt! I haven't changed my dates here yet because they go along with my ovulation date as opposed to how big Abbey is growing. Growth US's are really just an estimate anyway.

One Year

2009-09-22T21:14:00.002-04:00

This will not be my most eloquent post ever (not that any of them ever are).

It's been a year since we lost Buddha.

I think about where we were this time last year and how much has changed and how much stronger and closer Ben and I are as a couple and how so, so blessed we are to be having Abbey.

Now I feel like I see everything full circle. This time last year my heart was in a million pieces and I honestly thought my life would never be okay again. Over time, little pieces came back together and reformed this stronger, more compassionate, sympathetic heart and it's just got this one tiny piece that's gone now. It just took time. It still is going to take time. But it has gotten better and it has gotten easier and acceptance has made the whole thing easier to swallow.

I see God's plan come full circle for us and how life moves on even when it seems like it will never get better. It's almost like we have the best of both worlds-an amazing son who watches over us and will protect his sister and a wonderful daughter who is doing back flips and warming my heart right now.

We miss you, Buddha.

Hugs&Kisses

16w6d

Pass the Salt....

2009-09-21T15:31:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I felt terrible. Awful. I was nauseated, weak, really dizzy, almost disoriented. I had no appetite all week really and had been blaming it on the pregnancy and laid down with Ben for a while.

I felt even worse.

Then I started puking around 11AM. Hard. So hard it made poor Ben turn ghost white. So I took a phenergan and laid back down. The phenergan got me about 3 hours of sleep before I got up and decided it was a good idea to take a shower (don't ask why-I have no idea why). I yelled for Ben who had to come help me, a 25 year old, fully competent woman, get out of the shower, dry off and get back in my PJs.

He took me right back to bed, we listened to Baby on the doppler to make sure she was doing alright (can I just say again how much I love that thing!) and I promptly feel back asleep until about 6:30. I woke up drenched in sweat. Ben threw the thermometer in my mouth and lo and behold- I had a fever (100.04).

I took a Tylenol while he called my OB who told me to go straight to the ER. In a matter of minutes I convinced myself I had Swine Flu. Ben helped me get ready and off to the ER we went (again). Can I just say that before this pregnancy, I haven't been to the ER three times in my LIFE? NEVER. I never get sick. I never need medical attention. I avoid medical facilities at all costs.

So we get to the ER. Ben knows everyone working in the ER last night, so I go straight back to a room. They do the standard-weight (dropping still), blood pressure (lower than usual, but keep in mind I tend to run low anyway) blood work, pee in a cup, listen to Baby on the doppler, blah blah blah. The funnest part? The flu screening. I hope you could read that last sentence through all the sarcasm. That. Sucked. What they do is take two tiny wire bristle brushes that look like miniature baby bottle cleaners (these things were more narrow than a Q-Tip) and shove them allllllllll the way up your nose until you are sure they are poking your brain. And then-they leave them there for 60 seconds. You want to scream, cry and sneeze all at once, but you can't because if you do, you have to start over. So I closed my eyes, gripped Ben's hand with everything that I had (Sorry, hun!) and just breathed. It was awful and I feel for you if you ever have to have one.

Then we wait for results.

Thankfully, I remembered my laptop, so I cruised the internet, talked to my LJ ladies, considered updating the blog (but didn't) and watched TV with Ben. It took about an hour and my results were back in.

Thank GOD (seriously) I don't have the flu. I was feeling so terrible because my body had NO sodium present in my blood. None. The only sodium reserves I had left were deposits in my bones and organs. The lack of sodium left me nauseated, tired, weak and light headed. And, on top of that, I have a UTI (which apparently is super common during pregnancy). I have had UTI's before and they always come with textbook symptoms. I had no symptoms this time. Luckily we caught it super early, so a quick dose of antibiotics will clear it all up.

I am on bed rest today and will probably return to work tomorrow. I still feel like a dog, but the Dr in the ER said it could take a few days on a high sodium diet to get me feeling somewhat normal again. The only problem with the high sodium diet is the fact that I have NO appetite. Eating bland things doesn't sound fun, so eating salty things isn't exactly on my list of fun things to do today. I've really tried though.

So there you have it. I swear I am growing a Drama Queen. Thankfully though, Baby Abbey looks great, she isn't under any stress and I would take feeling 9984983984 times worse than this if it means she gets here safely. She is my number one concern at this moment and will remain my number one concern for the rest of my life. I just want her happy and healthy, whatever it costs me is fine.

Hugs&Kisses

16w5d

I Can Not Keep a Secret....

2009-09-18T15:01:00.003-04:00

Abigail Marie

Coming February 2010

Hugs&Kisses

16w2d

Week 16

2009-09-16T15:34:00.003-04:00

And on time for once! Go me!

How far along? 16Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: No clue. My rings are falling off now when I wash my hands (quite the opposite problem I thought I'd have during pregnancy) and I haven't been on a scale in over a week, so I have no clue...I'd have to assume I'm still down from my pre-pg-y weight.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. Love them all. Especially my slim cut Old Navy jeans. LOVE them.
Sleep: Loving it! Sleeping 8 hours a night and sneaking in a 2-3 hour nap every day (I'll pretend I didn't take a 5 hour nap yesterday)
Best moment this week: Making it through another week. We are getting so close to the half way mark!
Movement: Crazy baby, especially when I sit down after moving around or walking a lot.
Food cravings: Apples. Apple ANYTHING. I went through a dozen BIG appples last week, not to mention all the juice AND applesauce! I love them.
Gender: We know (85-90% sure) but aren't telling yet! Only the grandparents know, but don't ask them. They are sworn to secrecy!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Dr. Pepper!
What I am looking forward to: My appt next week!
Weekly Wisdom: Do what makes you, your husband and your baby happy. Forget about those who have nothing nice to say.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as all the other weeks, but still how I feel)

What is Baby up to?

Watch what you say... tiny bones forming in Baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up your voice. Eyebrows, lashes and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming. And, if you're interested, an ultrasound might be able to determine gender.

And a Belly Pic for those interested!

Just for comparison's sake:

9 Weeks

Just a little bloat!

13 Weeks

A rare blog pic of yours truly! Please excuse my crazy hair!

16 Weeks!

I literally popped out over the weekend. That bump was NOT there last week!

Hugs&Kisses

16 Weeks

168 days to go!

ER Trip: Round 2

2009-09-14T21:32:00.004-04:00

So last Monday, Labor Day, Ben and I went out, did a little shopping, went out to lunch and really just had a text book perfect day. And then we got home.

I was bleeding. Bright red. More than spotting. Passing small clots. Not what you want to see when pregnant.

Looking back, I am really proud of myself. I didn't panic. I yelled for Ben, let him come see what was going on, he called my OB's on call number while I found Baby on the doppler. Baby was chugging along and didn't sound like he/she was in distress. My OB called back immediately (can I say again how much I really love her?) and told me if the cramping or bleeding picked up, to head to the ER.

15 minutes later, the bleeding hadn't let up and the cramping had worsened. So off to the ER we went. Still not panicked, but praying the entire way.

VERY long story short, we got a room in the ER, had a GREAT ER physician, Dr. Barry, who I can not thank enough for his great, compassionate service. For example- the lab tech (who also happened to be the idiot who did my labs the last time I went to the ER in July and is, so far, the ONLY lab tech who has made my cry bc he freakin harpooned me with the needle) MISSED on the first stick (which also makes him the first lab tech to EVER miss when sticking me). Ben was holding my hand and talking me through everything (keep in mind, by this time, we had been in the ER for almost 3 hours, I was exhausted, hungry and emotional spent) and Dr. Barry stood beside my bed and just rubbed my back. Seriously, the best medical care I have EVER received in an ER (you may remember our ER trip from a year ago (where the Dr kept referring to my D&C as an abortion, almost like it was an elective procedure) and the lack luster care we received again in this past July (where the Dr did a blood panel I had done the day before and didn't review the results of before ordering the same exact panel all over again (which is also where I had my first encounter with the lab tech from hell, mentioned above), ordered an US and sent me home-no exam, didn't call my OB, etc). So needless to say, I have NOT been impressed with my ER care thus far.

But Baby checked out well, the placenta and cord looked great, I'm still rocking a 7x9 cyst on my right side that hurts so bad I have to refrain from swearing in front of nuns at times, my blood and urine panel came back great, my blood pressure, as usual, was a tick on the low side, but still fine (low tends to me normal for me), I got a pass from work the next day and was on my way.

My (amazing) OB had us come in again two days later and have a quick US to make sure the placenta was still doing well and the Baby wasn't under any stress. Baby checked out great again, good steady heart rate (162bpm) and they diagnosed my bleeding as likely coming from the Largest Cyst on Earth starting to leak out.

So, Baby, no more tricks. I know this one likely wasn't your fault, I blame my bum ovary, but still. You rule my reproductive organs right now, so keep things under control in there! I can't imagine anything every happening to you. Just the thought of it scares me to my core.

On the plus side, we found out what Baby most likely is! W00T! But...we aren't telling. It's not 100%, but it's most likely. We may announce it after our Big US at around 20 weeks, but we are really thinking about just not saying anything. We have been so open about our loss last year, our IF struggles, our current pg-y, we just agree this may be the only surprise we get to have with this experience. And since this is still most likely going to be our only child, we think we should get to have one big surprise! Some people don't "agree" with this decision, but who cares? I don't agree with a lot of personal decisions people make but who am I to judge? Have your own baby and then make the decisions you feel are right for your family.

::sticks out tongue::

And with that, I'm out! I'm exhausted!

Hugs&Kisses

15w5d

PS- We keep edging more and more towards a VALENTINE'S Baby! Holy Cow! That means there is only Halloween, Thanksgiving, New Years and MLK Jr Day left before we have a little one!

::faints::

Week 15

2009-09-13T10:46:00.005-04:00

A few days late, as usual.

How far along? 15 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Still losing, but I have no idea how much. They told me I had lost weight since my last Dr appt when I was in the ER last week (post still to come), but they didn't tell me how much. To be honest, I don't care.
Maternity clothes? Maternity pants every day. Regular shirts with the occasional maternity shirt thrown in. I LOVE them. LOVE them :)
Sleep: Loving it!
Best moment this week: Finding out what we are having! (But we aren't telling...yet!)
Movement: Crazy baby, especially when I sit down after moving around or walking a lot.
Food cravings: Milk! It's so strange. I love milk and lemonade!
Gender: We know (85-90% sure) but aren't telling yet! Only the grandparents know, but don't ask them. They are sworn to secrecy!
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: NOTHING this week. I am so thankful to be pregnant and wouldn't trade it for anything. (same as last week)
What I am looking forward to: Registering!
Weekly Wisdom: Learn to say no. I finally said no to an old boss this past week and moved on into a new stage of my life. I couldn't be happier. I am making better money, I'm in a safer work environment and I don't dread work every day. It's a much healthier work environment for me to be in, emotionally and mentally, especially while pregnant.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as last week, but still how I feel)

What is Baby up to?

Continuing the march towards normal proportions, Baby's legs now out measure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel movement.

PS- The above is wrong. I've been feeling Baby pretty consistently for about 10 days or so and had a few hints of movement prior to that. My OB made a great point, saying when you deal with IF and IF treatment, you become more aware of you body, especially your uterus, so noticing movement earlier than other women who had no trouble conceiving is not uncommon. Another fellow IF friend of mine said the same thing. I've also had a few friends who did not deal with IF say they felt movement between 13-14 weeks. Everyone is different!

A few days late, as usual.

Hugs&Kisses

15w4d (still measuring 4 days ahead consistently, measured SIX days ahead last week in the ER! WOW!)

**Updated: Will you say a prayer for one of Ben's cousins? I'm not going to air her personal info here because that would be rude, but she could probably use some encouragement and positive vibes right now. I'd appreciate it and I'm sure she would too.

Unwarrented Opinions.

2009-09-08T23:04:00.003-04:00

As many know one of my siblings has gotten his less than desirable significant other knocked up and their baby is due next month. She is toxic and I have no desire to get to know her. I don't like the person she has shaped my brother into being and our relationship has suffered greatly because of it.

They try to come off as the "be all end all" in baby knowledge, I'm the world's biggest idiot when it comes to infant/toddler care (despite having TWO degrees in prenatal/infant/toddler growth and development), but what do I know.

I usually just try to leave them alone. I don't need the drama or the antics that come along with them at the moment. However, tonight, E decided it would be a good night to push my buttons, most likely intentionally (you have to agree with me there, Mom). He asked why we got a doppler and I told him because we wanted one and we had the money for one. He then proceeded to tell me what a waste it was and how stupid I am for having one and how dumb it was.

How 'bout this, darling brother. You lose a baby and then you can come back and tell me how stupid you think having peace of mind at home in between appointments is. Okay?

After our exciting trip to the ER last night (more on that to come later-I had some heavy bleeding, cramping and passed some clots; Baby is fine and I'm well, but it was scary nonetheless) NOTHING I do that I feel ensures my peace of mind and allows me to enjoy this pregnancy just an ounce more is not stupid or dumb or a waste.

That's all I really have to say about the whole issue. Don't speak on something you have absolutely no knowledge or experience in dealing with.

Hugs&Kisses

14w6d

PS- Baby measured 5-6 days AHEAD now and weighs in at a hefty 4 oz! Grow baby grow!

My Favorite Pregnancy Product....

2009-09-06T14:40:00.003-04:00

...thus far.

The home doppler (ordered from Dynamic Doppler).

After a few random days of near panic episodes on my part, absolutely sure something was wrong, we ordered this home doppler. I have a very generous friend who let me borrow hers, but we were never able to pick up anything other than static, so we upgraded to the medical grade one and it is MUCH better. I laid down, gel-ed up the probe and within seconds Ben had found Baby's heart beat pumping away at a strong 170 bpm!

Would I recommend this? Absolutely, 100 times over. If you can't throw down the $400-525 upfront to buy one outright, they have a rental program that costs $22/month for the standard and $44/month for the deluxe model. There is only one difference between the two-the deluxe displays the heart rate on the screen and the standard doesn't. We bought the standard and count out the heart rate on our own.

If you have had a prior loss, then I recommend it even more. It is so nice to be able to pop out the doppler and have a listen on days when I am really nervous or anxious or days when I just need to hear Baby to feel okay. I can't say enough how a loss robs pregnancy of all innocence but having this has made the past week so enjoyable and stress free for me. Pregnancy has gone from being fun and enjoyable 40% of the time and filled with worry 60% of the time to full time, loving, enjoyable happy time for both me and Ben. I can't say enough how much I love having this at home to use at my disposal.

Also in Baby news, I've been feeling more random kicks and tumbles this week! It's usually after I eat or drink or while I'm driving in the morning. He/She moves all over the place! It's such a great feeling and I can't get enough of it. I know this will be the number one thing I miss once Baby goes from an inside baby to an outside baby.

I also haven't pooped in days and I'm still throwing up on an almost daily basis. The traffic jam in my colon is something I could do without, but gives me something to look forward to. Who doesn't enjoy a good poop? And the barfing episodes? It gives us something to laugh at. Ben just HAD to comment on the distance I got in the shower with my most recent barf (showering seems to be my barf trigger, but my options are not barf and stink or barf in the shower and thank God for the easy clean up). I was literally standing at the back of the tub and vomit hit the opposing wall. You might be scratching your head wondering what on Earth Ben is doing watching me barf in the shower? Does he have some weird fetish? I can assure you he doesn't (as far as barfing nekkid girls go). I can feel the urge to puke coming and always yell for him. There have been a few times I have felt really faint after getting sick and have had to sit down on the edge of the tub. Our main concern is me fainting in the shower and him not being there or knowing what happened-and it's nice for him to help me hose all the chunks down the drain, haha! If that isn't solid proof of commitment in our marriage, I'm not sure what is. I luff him.

We are also starting to wrack up the baby gear. We had some we kept after Buddha (we returned some of it), we have some I have bought thus far this pregnancy and the rest is stuff other people have gifted to us already!

Ben's mom was SUPER generous and bought our crib for us this week! HOLY CRAP. That means we are having a baby. A crib. In my house. O_O
I knew we wanted an all white crib and I love the simplicity and classic look of this one. I can't believe how blessed we are to have so many so willing to go out of their way and buy gifts for Baby!

Last fall I found a Peg Perego stroller for an amazing price and snatched it up. I always thought I would be pushing Buddha around in it, but I am now just as excited, if not more to use this with Baby. We bought the PlikoP3 in Orange and I LOVE it! LOVE, love LOVE it. I love how bright it is and how fun the colors are.
Cute, huh?

A few weeks after buying the Peg Perego, we found an Espirit SunSpeed Umbrella stroller in the same orange to use as Baby gets older and we need a lighter weight stroller. I can't decide which one I like better!

A very good friend of mine also gifted us a brand new Jumparoo, travel swing to leave at my in-laws house, a snap and go stroller frame, an aquarium for Baby's crib, a gliding rocker and ottoman (they used it ONCE!) AND her breast pump with all new tubing and horns. I can't believe how generous she was (actually I can, she would give you the shirt off her back if you asked for it) and she would not accept a single penny for any of it! All of the stuff is new or used once and in perfect condition. Again, I can't believe how blessed we are to be surrounded by such generous people.

Other than that, we have lots of clothes and toys we have picked up over time, we spend time looking at nursery ideas online (we have the girls decided and are still flipping around on the boys) and have picked names (we aren't telling yet!). We have so much to look forward to with getting the nursery set up and all the little things picked out and set up. In a perfect world, everything would be done by 30 weeks so I can enjoy the last 10 weeks (or less) of our pregnancy. We have the date for my Charlotte baby shower set that my mom is nice to be throwing for us (November 7, for those interested) and the date for my Huntington shower set that my friend Marci is nice enough to offer (January 23, 2010) and have a tentative date for our shower in Logan Ben's mom is graciously throwing for us (I'll let you know, for the few Logan-area people when we nail something down for sure).

Whew! That was a long post! Hopefully we will find out what we are having by the end of the month, which would be awesome, but I have a feeling it will be more like 6 weeks from now, which will put me less than 10 weeks away from my 30 week goal to have everything completed. We'll see. If it's not done by 30 weeks, it'll be fine. I'm just a planner and controller :)

Hugs&Kisses

14w4d (measuring 15w1d)

14 Weeks!

2009-09-02T21:23:00.002-04:00

This will be a short and sweet post-mainly because I'm tired and it's 9:30 and I missed my daily nap today.

How far along? 14 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: No clue at the moment. I was down another 2 last week, so probably about 13-15 lbs overall.
Maternity clothes? I busted out the first pair of maternity pants today because I was feeling unusually chubby and round. I am considering never wearing zipper/button jeans again.
Sleep: Saying I love it would be an understatement. I am FINALLY sleeping through the night and past 7 am consistently, which is a HUGE blessing.
Best moment this week:Getting out of the first tri!
Movement: Little taps and nudges here and there, which my OB and all my lovely LJ ladies have confirmed is, in fact, movement.
Food cravings: Nothing. Morning sickness kicked up full swing this week and doesn't show signs of leaving any time soon. Hang around all you want, nausea. You don't bother me. (Coming back to correct myself- I can't get enough Chick-fil-A lemonade. I drink it by the GALLON.)
Gender: We are leaning GIRL, but have no preference.
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: NOTHING this week. I am so thankful to be pregnant and wouldn't trade it for anything.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out what Baby is hopefully sooner rather than later.
Weekly Wisdom: Appreciate every moment. I have had four friends lose babies this summer past the 20 week mark and it's heartbreaking. Appreciate the nausea, the back pain-everything. (Same this this week.)
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as last week, but still how I feel)

What is Baby up to?

Baby is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

That's it for tonight folks.

Hugs&Kisses

Bye Bye, First Tri!

2009-08-28T20:49:00.004-04:00

Today is my LAST day in the first trimester! Holy Cow! I can't believe it. Seriously. We are so, so blessed and so lucky to be where we are. I pray every day that we continue to have a smooth, uneventful pregnancy.

So, like I posted before (and failed to come back and follow up with) our NT Scan was last Thursday. Every thing looked great, but we had to wait on the "official report" to come in. Today, my preliminary results came (still waiting on the blood panel). Baby's NT measurement (the amount of fluid in the spinal column looked great, (s)he had great nasal structure (poor nasal structure can be a soft marker for some trisomy's) and was measuring 4 days ahead, like always.

Here's a first peek at our Baby looking like something other than a blob!

Profile shot! Check out that big belly!

Leggies and a thumbs up from Baby (except it's not their thumb...it's their middle finger-so klassy Baby)!

Baby, chilling with his/her arms tucked behind his/her head!

If you click on the images, you can see them full size.

And now for the weekly survey, which I REALLY need to be better about doing.

How far along? 13 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: Down another 2 lbs last week!
Maternity clothes? Nope, still rocking the Bella
Sleep: I love it. I'm finally sleeping through the night and past 6 AM on a regular basis.
Best moment this week: It was last week, but since I didn't post this for Week 12, I'll post it here! At my OB appt last week, we got to hear Baby on the doppler! I kept feeling what I thought was the start of thumps or kicks, but was almost sure it was too early. I felt this tiny bump where Baby's legs usually are and heard a "thump" on the doppler and my OB said "Baby's kickin!" I knew I wasn't crazy! Tonight, I was laying down taking a nap (again) and felt the same thing, just stronger! I know the kicks will stay sporadic for a few more weeks, so for now, I'll cherish the small amounts of movement I do feel!
Movement: See above!
Food cravings: Nausea came back full force this week, so I am still sticking with bland foods or fruit. I'm breezing through fruit like you wouldn't believe.
Gender: EVERYONE is saying Girl. Ben is holding firm to Boy. I am somewhere in the middle.
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: NOTHING this week. I am so thankful to be pregnant and wouldn't trade it for anything.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out what Baby is-possibly next week!
Weekly Wisdom: Appreciate every moment. I have had four friends lose babies this summer past the 20 week mark and it's heartbreaking. Appreciate the nausea, the back pain-everything.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as last week, but still how I feel)

What's Baby up to?

Baby is forming teeth and vocal cords... savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to Baby's tummy. (Much more convenient.)

Hugs&Kisses

13w2d

Better Late Than Never....

2009-08-24T08:38:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates. Sleep takes precedence over everything lately!

As far as Baby goes- he's great! Heart rate was good at the NT Scan and at our appointment Friday. I PROMISE I will post a more complete update this afternoon!

But for right now, there are children and families who are waiting on me to come see them, so off to work I go!

Hugs&Kisses

12w5d

Prayer Requests

2009-08-18T13:46:00.003-04:00

This will be a short post.

-Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. Our NT Scan and 12 week appt are both tomorrow and I am increasingly nervous. A missed miscarriage really robs the innocence of pregnancy. I'm struggling right now with how angry/hurt/sad/scared/upset I can get over this sometimes. All we want is a healthy baby. I feel like tomorrow is a huge hurtle for us. We appreciate any prayers you have.

***Update: My appt got moved to freaking Thursday now. :( My patience is being tested and I don't like it.

-I know three girls who lost their daughters recently, two at 23 1/2 weeks, one at full term. I can't imagine what these ladies and their families went through and will continue to sort through for the rest of their lives. No one should ever lose a child, it's so unfair. Please keep them in your prayers in the upcoming weeks.

That's it for right now. Like I said, our NT Scan is tomorrow and we will see my OB right after. All I want to see is that little heart beat pop up on the US screen. Then I'll be able to breathe.

If you have a prayer request, add it to the comments :)

Hugs&Kisses

11w6d

Our BFP Story

2009-08-14T10:28:00.003-04:00

No, I still have not taken a Belly Pic for this week. I honestly planned on taking one Wednesday, but instead got filthy at work (I work with special needs/developmentally delayed infants, babies and toddlers) and had no desire to have my picture taken. I'll try to get on that today.

But anyway, our BFP story. I've been meaning to post this for...oh, I don't know...7 weeks, haha. You always have this scenario in your head about getting that positive test and all the sweet ways you will tell your husband. For others, it likely works out the wonderful, well planned out way the have been dreaming of. For me and Ben...not so much. Enjoy our romantic tale.

I had to pee. So I made my way to the bathroom. But on the way I grab the box of HPT's I had just bought. I purposely bought the three pack so I would have one extra test to burn, as tests usually come in a 2 pack (as a general rule, I bought HPT's and OPK's off the internet for dirt cheap, I just happened to be out of them at this particular moment). I figured: I'll pee on it, it will be negative and I can mentally start preparing myself for another failed cycle.

So anyway, I get all the way back to our bedroom and use the bathroom in our room. As soon as I sit down, I realize...there is no toilet paper. Not a big deal. I pee on the test, stick it on the back of the toilet and just wait for the test to develop while he takes his sweet time bringing me the much needed TP. Ben is home. He can just bring me a roll. So I bang on the wall (our master bath and den share a wall) and scream for Ben to bring me some toilet paper. He agrees, but I don't hear him get up. So I bang again. I can hear him getting agitated. "I'M COMING! ::grumblegrumble::" Insert heavy sigh from me. I grab the test off the back of the toilet, thinking I'll be inspecting just now negative the test is this time.

Then a pink line starts to show. Okay. That's the control line. It always shows first. (At this point, I still have not heard Ben get up to bring me the desperately needed TP.) But wait. That line is on the left side. The control is always on the right. This must be a defective test. The strip must be in backwards. So I flip the test around. There. Now the line is on the right...But wait. Now there is a line showing up on the (now) left side. "Not funny" I think to myself. I flip the test around again. There are 2 lines. Two. The test line is darker than the control line. I still think it's fake. I shake the test. This is no Etch-A-Sketch. That like is staying and getting darker by the minute. I start crying. I'm sitting on the toilet, pants around my ankles, holding this test stick, sobbing. It's like a scene from a bad Lifetime movie, only I'm not a teen in a bad relationship who has just realized she is pregnant. I'm a happily married adult who is seeing almost two years of struggle, one loss, hundreds of dollars in fertility appointments and treatments coming full circle and receiving a huge blessing.

I bang on the wall again, as Ben still hasn't gotten up. He is pissed now. I hear him stomp through the house, go into the laundry room, get the TP out of the pantry, and continue his stomp parade towards our bedroom. He's still probably a good ten feet away from our bedroom when I can't hold it in any longer and I scream "I'M PREGNANT!" I hear his stomps turn into a sprint. He gets to the bathroom to find me still sitting on the toilet, pants still around my ankles, sobbing and holding the test. Not the cutesy way I had planned it, but he got the point anyway. He looks at it and then just hugs me. I physically couldn't stand up. I was in shock. Ben was over the moon. Our prayers, the prayers of all of those who knew our struggle, all the hours spent at the RE's office, the Clomid, the Hcg injection, the countless dates with the dildo cam had all paid off.

So I called my dad first. He was so excited. My dad rarely gets excited, but I could hear it in his voice. Then we called Ben's mom, whose house we had just spent the weekend at (I tested on Monday afternoon, we stayed at her house Friday-Monday morning). She already knew. She could tell by the way I acted that weekend. I wish she had told me and saved me the $20 on tests! Haha! She was thrilled. Our parents knew about all our IF issues, so they were aware they would (hopefully) get this phone call soon.

I saved my mom for last. She knew the most about our struggle. I knew I was traveling home that Wednesday, so I wanted to surprise her. The plan was for her to pick me up at the train station, but since my train was 7 hours late, that plan didn't work out. So my dad picked me up and took me to their house. My mom met us outside and as she walked by me, she slapped me in the stomach (which I really appreciated-nothing like making a girl who already feels as though her bloat is reaching Wisconsin feel even bigger, mom!). I said "I wouldn't do that." And she asked why. "Because there's a baby in there." She must not have heard me, or it didn't register or something bc she just kept walking past me. Then she stopped and turned and my dad and I busted out laughing. "WHAT?!" I told her again, "There's a baby in there." I really don't think she believed me at first. She was so happy though. I think she wanted me to be pregnant more than I wanted to be.

So that's the story. I took 2 more tests and had my beta's drawn and 7 weeks later, here we are. I really wanted to have this down somewhere so I could go back and show/tell Baby someday. My memory isn't what it used to be, haha.

Hugs&Kisses

11w2d

11 Weeks Down, 29 To Go...

2009-08-12T11:57:00.002-04:00

Again, I am really slacking with this whole blogging thing. Sue me. I just haven't had the drive to do it lately, even though I know I should. I'll really try to get back on track this week. I still need to post our BFP story, our ER adventure and hand out some blog awards from MONTHS ago. I'll get around to it...eventually.

How far along? 11 Weeks!
Total weight gain/loss: No clue at the moment. I haven't been weighed in a while.
Maternity clothes? Nope, still rocking the Bella
Sleep: I love it. I managed 2 2hour naps on Sunday, which was awesome and am getting better at falling asleep and staying asleep all night. W00T for sleep!
Best moment this week: We got to see Baby on Friday! I had some spotting and passed a few clots on Friday and his coworker was nice enough to scan me that evening. It was by far the worst moment this week, but it lead to the BEST moment. Baby looks like a baby now and was spinning and bumping around all over the place. I love seeing Ben's face when Baby pops up on the screen, melts my heart every time.
Movement: None yet. I keep getting these weird vibrating feelings really far down in my ute when I lay really, really still. Some say it's the beginning of feeling movement, others say its gas. Time will tell.
Food cravings: Still rare. I like really bland things right now and am doing pretty well at keeping them down. The nausea is starting to let up (sometimes), so that is helping me a little.
Gender: EVERYONE is saying Girl. Ben is holding firm to Boy. I am somewhere in the middle.
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach, hot dogs and Diet Coke
What I am looking forward to: Our NT Scan, which is a week from today! I still remember when this appt was a month away! It seemed like it would never get here, now it's just around the corner!
Weekly Wisdom: Sleep when you want/need to. The dishes and laundry can wait.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal. (Same as last week, but still how I feel)

What is Baby up to?

Baby currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Grow Baby, Grow! Can't wait to see you next Wednesday!

Hugs&Kisses

11w

I will take another Belly Pic today and (hopefully) upload it this week!

10 Weeks (and change)

2009-08-06T21:24:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to fill these out for every week, but I have honestly been slacking. So here we are at 10 weeks and I'm just getting started. If you know me, you should have expected it!

How far along? 10 weeks and 1 day
Total weight gain/loss: Down about 12 pounds (give or take, haven't been weighed in about a week)
Maternity clothes? Nope, still rocking the Bella
Sleep: I love it, but I am having problems staying asleep. I wake up around 5 every morning, usually fall back asleep, but it's still annoying. I'm up by 7 on the days I can sleep in and want to sleep til noon on the days I have to be up early.
Best moment this week: Going 24 hours without throwing up...too bad that didn't last long but I'll deal with it. It's still not horrible, even when I'm barfing my soul up.
Movement: None yet. I tried our doppler out the other day and just picked up the sounds of the placenta. I'm still way early to be using the doppler we have. I need to order one of the medical grade ones, but...I don't know if I want to make the $100 commitment right now.
Food cravings: Rare, but when I do have them, they are insane and I need whatever I am craving at.that.moment.
Gender: Depends on the hour and the weather, haha. I am thinking girl most of the time, Ben is standing firm on boy.
Labor Signs: No, thank you.
Belly Button in or out? In.
What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach
What I am looking forward to: Our NT Scan on the 19th. It seems like forever away! And feeling comfortable enough to spill the beans on facebook...I'm still not there yet.
Weekly Wisdom: Eat often. Going more than about 4 hours is what I am thinking is triggering my barfing.
Milestones: Right now, every day is a milestone. I am more pregnant than I have ever been, so everyday is a huge deal. Reaching double digit weeks was a big deal to me yesterday. Our goal is 40 weeks, 37 at the earliest, so every day is one day closer to our goal.

Hugs&Kisses

10w1d

Still here!

2009-08-03T20:47:00.005-04:00

Just really busy.

Baby, Ben and I are doing well. We had an interesting week last week, including a bleeding scare that sent me (and Ben) into a complete panic and a separate trip to the ER that was less than productive. Everyone is doing well, but it was an exhausting week nonetheless. I'll post those fun stories this week at some point, but the most important parts are: Baby is great, my blood pressure is great (a tick on the low side Thursday, but fine Friday) and I'm still chipping off a few pounds (14 total) because my ~~morning~~ all day sickness was particularly rough last week (not horrible, but definitely not fun). Luckily, an Rx for Phenergan has curbed most of my nausea (and provided me with several nights of sound sleep). But, like I said, I promise a full and exciting update on all that (hopefully) tomorrow.

Here's my 9 Week belly shot. It's mostly bloat and a little bit of baby. My OB did say I would likely show faster this time since this is my second pregnancy. I haven't made the jump to maternity pants yet thanks to my Bella Band.

Hugs&Kisses

9w5d

Small Milestones and Large Throw Ups...

2009-07-27T20:58:00.005-04:00

As of yesterday afternoon, I am officially more pregnant that I have ever been! YAY! We were really struggling to get to the 8w4d mark and we made it! This was a huge milestone for us and are so thankful to be past that point.

Baby is doing well. This morning he/she made me violently ill and I think scared Ben a little. It was the worst throw up session I have had that I can remember. Ever. And (as usual), it incredible urge to purge came while brushing my teeth. I didn't even have time to turn around and hit the toilet, so I barfed in the sink. Ben just stood there horrified, rubbing my back. Poor guy! And to top it all off, every time I would heave, barf would come back and splash me in the face. Awesome. Of course this all happens while I am on my way out the door to go see a kid for work. So what did I do? I rinsed my mouth, re-washed my face, straightened my hair, changed my shirt and went on my way. Because I am a professional and there are kiddo's who depend on me.

But even then, it wasn't that bad. Was it pleasant? Hell no. Was is survivable? Absolutely. Will it be worth it in the end? Without a doubt.

My blood pressure is still great, down another 2 pounds (for a total of 14), but still nothing we are concerned about. I do need a daily nap, but I think everyone does. That really is about it. Ben and I had a relaxing weekend at home. Most of his family was at a wedding and were weren't able to go due to Ben's work schedule, but that's the way things happen sometimes. I hated that we had to miss it, but I am sure we will get to see everyone soon.

As always, I am accepting extra prayers and leave yours in the comment boxes if you have one!

Hugs&Kisses

8w5d

PS- Please throw a prayer for Stellan in tonight and over the coming days. He is doing pretty poorly at the moment and is being airlifted to Boston for further intervention. I'm sure they can use any prayers you can spare.

This is real!

2009-07-21T14:43:00.002-04:00

We met with our OB today and I could not have asked for a better visit. I love, love, love my OB (Dr. Kessler in Charleston, if you are looking for one!). She talked with us for a long time and was almost more excited than we are!

My blood pressure was 117/78 and I'm down another 5 lbs (so 12 overall). My urine test was....well...a urine test, lol! She did a quick pelvic exam and said "You have a very pregnant uterus!" Ben and I couldn't help but laugh.

We also talked about what I want in a delivery, any questions Ben or I had, etc. She was so awesome when I told her I didn't want any plans written in stone. I would LOVE to avoid a C-Section and want to attempt to go med free- both things Ben is very supportive of. We will also not cut the cord until it has stopped pulsing, just so Baby gets all the nutrients from it. We were going to bank his/her cord blood, but the more I researched it, the more I read about delaying cutting the cord being just as beneficial (not to mention cheaper). And if you don't support my initial plans....bite me ;) Like I said, nothing is in stone, everything is flexible, so we will see when the time comes. I may get to L&D and beg for an epi as they wheel me through Admitting, haha! My main goal is to listen to my body and take things as they come. My OB is on the same page as Ben and I are, so that makes me feel even better about being with her.

We also signed our contract and agreed on a payment plan and after doing all that, all I can say is "Thank GOD for great insurance!". I can't imagine doing this without it. We virtually pay nothing. My prenatal visits, delivery, postpartum appts and all my lab work will run us about $100 total. YAY! The fact that my OB is at the hospital Ben works at AND I will deliver there make a HUGE difference and for that we are thankful for. We were planning on spending about $5,000 for this whole thing, so that is a huge break in our budget!

She also gave me a B-6 Rx for my nausea, which hasn't been too bad today so far. I did my routine gagging in the shower, but managed not to vomit! YAY! (It's the little things anymore, lol!)

I go back to see her in 4 weeks, but will have my NT scan before then. And now you are all caught up! We are coming up on the time we lost Buddha last time, so I am a little nervous. I just want to get through the next week, one day at a time. I'd love the extra prayers if you can spare them this week.

Hugs&Kisses

7w6d

Does it ever get old?

2009-07-20T19:24:00.007-04:00

Hearing the heartbeat, that is. We had our appt today at my regular OB's office and it was great. Well, the US was. My OB was stuck in deliveries so they rescheduled me for tomorrow morning to see her but I still got to have our US done.

Let me tell you-switching OB's will go down as one of the best decisions Ben and I ever made. We got called back in a reasonable amount of time (less than 5 minutes), were taken to the US Suite (ooo-la-la!) and had the most pleasant, comfortable experience. The exam table was heated and instead of paper was covered with a super soft sheet. When you laid on the table, there was a huge flat panel TV mounted on the wall in front of you. There was a nice cozy chair for Ben to sit in right beside my head and he was able to hold my hand and see everything. They give you another super soft sheet to cover yourself with and then they have at it. The tech we had was so amazing. She knew about our previous loss and showed us the heartbeat right away so I didn't have to lie there and worry. Within seconds, up popped the little flicker and the ::whoosh whoosh whoosh:: came over the speakers. I couldn't help but laugh, which made Baby's heart skip a beat! Then she took some measurements, which are right with what I thought, despite our first 2 US's measuring ahead. Every machine is different, as is the way the Tech measures things. The equipment at my OB's office is brand new, so I am going with her dates. Baby looked awesome and we got TONS of pictures! They rescheduled us for an appt with my OB tomorrow which was fine by me! Just another chance to get to see Baby, right?

Baby @ 7w5d! You can start to see the little leggies and the start of an arm on the upper side. That's their little head over on the left.

Baby again! That's the measure of the heart rate along the bottom, beating strong at 179 BPM today! Ben's thinking GIRL!

The only downside of today's appt was we found out my ovaries are actually joined together by a cyst. Not a huge deal right now, but not ideal either. At this point in time, we are planning on this being my last pg'y (assuming all works out), so I am not worried about it at all. My ovaries are such a mess. But who cares? They served their purpose ;)

Other than that, nothing is really new. My morning sickness has a tendency to last all day. This morning was particularly rough, poor Ben! He is probably tired of hearing me scream from the shower only to walk in and see my barfing all over the place. He's so great. He cleaned everything up today so I could go lay back down before our appt. I honestly don't mind the nausea, but it is exhausting. Peppermints and sleep are my cures right now, but when I go back to work Wednesday, sleep won't be much of an option!

Thank you so much for all your prayers, kind e-mails, thoughts and sweet comments (and keep them coming! They make my day!). As always, leave any prayer requests-or PRAISE's in the comment box!

Hug&Kisses

7w5d (right back where I thought we were!)

Movin On Up....

2009-07-16T15:16:00.002-04:00

...to the OB! YAY! I got released from my RE today and have my first appt with my OB on Monday! I am so excited. I love my new(ish) OB and can't wait to see her again. She listened to me when my prior OB brushed me off, referred me to an RE and now, a few months later, here we are!

So obviously, I had my last appt with our RE today. We got to see AND hear Baby's heartbeat! I cried. The ::whoosh whoosh whoosh:: was such an amazing sound. I laid on the table and just thanked God over and over again for such a blessing. We got to see Buddha's heartbeat, but never got to hear it, so that moment was just so unreal to me. Ben was smiling so hard I thought his face might crack. Baby is still measuring 4 days ahead which moves my due date up to February. We are having a little love bug! I lost 7 pounds from last Tuesday until today, but it didn't seem to concern my RE or his nurse, I just have to make sure I am getting enough protein and water in a day and I'm good. My blood pressure looked awesome (but it always does), so that was also not a concern. I am still on pelvic rest, but that is no biggy. Ben is really helping me so much every day and picking things up where I am not able to. The only "bad" news (if you can call it that) is I am not allowed to go to camp next week. I have gone the last 2 years and really enjoy going, but this year neither one of my Dr's think it is in my best interest or the best interest of Baby to go to camp, so home we will stay.

We are both so over the moon excited right now. I know we still have a long road ahead, but I am starting to let myself enjoy this pregnancy more and more. My symptoms still come and go as they please and that is just fine.

Monday I was in the shower, rinsing my hair, thinking about our trip to Columbus (more to come on that next post) and then, all of a sudden, I barfed all.over.the shower. I yelled for Ben, who ran to the bathroom to find me naked, soaking wet and covered in vomit. So sexy, right? Luckily, the water was still running so we rinsed all the vomit down the drain, I got re-washed and rinsed and then he bleached the shower after I got out.

This morning, it struck again. I was brushing my teeth, thinking about our U/S, wondering what I am going to do this weekend and up comes a familiar feeling. I start dry heaving in the sink (all while crying because it hurt so bad). Poor Ben always just stands there and rubs my back and talks me through it all. I seriously dry heaved for a good 5 minutes before I could catch my breath. But from then on, today has been smooth sailing. I'll take the worst nausea, fatigue, barf sessions-anything, as long as it leads to a healthy baby.

So now you are caught up! Ben and I went to see Elton John and Billy Joel on Tuesday night in Columbus and had an AMAZING time. We had the best trip, my aunt and uncle were so accommodating, my dad took us anywhere and everywhere we wanted to go, we ate at some amazing restaurants and just really enjoyed ourselves. I'll post more on that whole trip next time, but right now, it's time for a NAP!

Hugs&Kisses

7w5d (moved up 4 days!)

Road Trip!

2009-07-12T16:56:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we are leaving for Columbus to see my family AND to see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert! Ben bought me these tickets for Valentine's Day and it seemed like forever until the concert would get here and now we are packing our bags and getting ready to leave!

This will be Baby's SECOND road trip! I went to Lake Lure with some of the women in my family in June right after we found out we were pg. I traveled really well last time, aside from requiring more potty stops so I hope tomorrow goes as well. My dad is going to drive us to Columbus so he can see his brother's and their families, so that takes a lot of the pressure off of me. Ben has to work tonight and will likely be tired and I get tired at odd times, so it was going to make getting there interesting if we were both tired.

As for me, I am doing well. My symptoms really seem to come and go throughout the day. I know I am going to be a rack full of nerves until our next scan on Thursday, but I am trying to remember that God is in control of this situation. I have had no bleeding, so I am taking that as a good sign. I haven't really had any problem's with nausea either, so I am taking that as God saying "Getting pregnant was hard enough. You deserve an easy pregnancy."

I have faith. God is good.

Hugs&Kisses

6w4d

Houston, We Have A.....

2009-07-09T19:50:00.003-04:00

HEARTBEAT!

I have been so tired and honestly have not had the energy to post a follow up. We saw the gestational sac, the yolk sac, the start of a fetal pole and a teeny tiny heartbeat! We actually measured ahead by about 4 days, which was great! We constantly measured behind with Buddha (Love you, Buddha!) and it was always a cause for concern for me. I do have a picture and I promise to post it soon, I just have to find the time to scan it in and upload it.

So far, I have been doing really well. I am exhausted, emotional, hungry and nauseous all at the same time, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. And to be honest, my nausea hasn't even been all that bad. It seems to flare up at night and is pretty light during the day. I did throw up for the first time today, but luckily, I was in the shower so clean up was a breeze, haha.

Ben has been amazing. He always makes sure I have everything I want or could ever need. I'm on pelvic rest still so he has really stepped up helping around the house, which I really appreciate. He has always been helpful, but he has really made the effort to go the extra mile lately.

So you are up to date. I am still spotting a little every day, but it is likely from the progesterone I have to take twice a day, which is known to cause spotting. It's always light pink to brown, so no need for alarm, but I hate it and wish it would stop.

Ben and I are leaving for Columbus, OH on Monday to see Elton John and Billy Joel in concert (AHHH!). My dad is awesome and is nice enough to drive us and my Aunt Terri and Uncle Dan are super awesome and are letting us stay at their house for a few days. I get so tired so easily that it will be really nice to not have to worry about driving at all and I won't have worry about staying at a hotel in an uncomfy bed. We are so ready for this little break from reality!

Please keep us in your prayers as we travel (and pray for the spotting to stop!). As always, leave me a comment or e-mail me with any prayer requests you have for yourself or your family!

Hug&Kisses

6w1d

First Ultrasound Tomorrow...

2009-07-06T20:33:00.002-04:00

To say I am nervous would be an understatement. I will be 5w6d, so I don't plan to see more than a gestational sac, yolk sac and probably the fetal pole, but not the heartbeat yet.

My nausea and exhaustion have really kicked up today and I am honestly not upset about it at all. I had no nausea last time at all and was rarely tired, so I take these as reassuring signs that all is well.

I have spent the majority of today praying, begging God to give us a good scan tomorrow and great results. I have felt calm and at ease yesterday and today, so I have faith that God is taking over and providing me with the peace I desperately need.

So if you don't mind, say a quick prayer for us tonight, and always, leave your prayer requests in the comments section and I'll return the favor.

Hugs&Kisses

5w5d

Happy 4th of July Buddha AND Baby!

2009-07-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I am blessed enough to wish both my little ones a Happy 4th!

Buddha- I trust that you are behaving and keeping things under control up there. We miss you more than ever now that we have another baby on the way, but trust me when I say you are not forgotten. Happy 4th, Buddha. I'm sure you have the best seat in the house for watching all the fireworks!

Baby- I still feel you dig deep down there quite often. Thanks for not giving us any major scares yet and your dad and I can't wait to see you on Tuesday! Hang on in there, Baby, we've still got a ways to go.

You both are so special to your dad and I. Enjoy the 4th!

Love,
Momma

5w3d

"Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better."
Albert Camus

“Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.”

Dear Baby

2009-07-03T21:30:00.003-04:00

You are 5w2d's old! YAY! So far, you make me seriously tired, bloated, cramp just a little, (slightly) nauseous at times and have made my boobs blow up and for all those things, I am thankful. I have also forgotten what it is like to take a good poop- for that I am not so thankful. But all these are good signs. They reassure me that you are in there and doing well.

Today you are the size of an apple seed. It's hard to believe you will grow to be the size of a watermelon by next year. This week you are starting to form major organs (heart, kidney, liver, stomach) and systems (nervous, circulatory, digestive).

I have been making a *huge* effort to just relax and enjoy the time I have with you bouncing around in there. Of course I don't feel you yet, but I already have big plans and dreams for you.

Dig deep in there, Baby. You've got almost 34 weeks to grow.

Your dad and I already love you so much more than you can imagine and Buddha watches over you every day. Stick with us, Baby. So many people are praying for you.

Love you, Baby.

momma
5w2d

A new baby is like the beginning of all things-wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.
-- Eda J. Le Shan

In Due Time.

2009-07-01T14:49:00.003-04:00

I have hemmed and hawed over what this post would be like. I have wondered more times than I care to admit if I would ever get to make a post like this. I have gone back and forth over when I would make this post, but after realizing I share the inner most information regarding all my RE appts, progesterone supps and our sex life, I figured I would take the plunge.

So here it is.

We are pregnant!

I can't believe I am blessed enough to get to type those three words out. Ben and I have known for over a week now, but, like I said, I had a hard time knowing when to post our big announcement. It's like a secret I wanted (and still want) to keep close to my heart and not share it with anyone. I didn't want to jinx anything. I didn't want people to get disappointed if it all turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. I was (and still am) overjoyed, thrilled, nervous and scared to the core. Maybe terrified is a better word. Who knows? Not me. All I know right now, at this moment is we are pregnant and we are both already so in love with our little one.

So what worked? For us it was a combination or:
-Metformin-1500mg, every day
-Clomid-100mg, CD 5-9
-HCG Trigger, CD 17
-Progesterone Supps, 3DPO and on through 14 weeks
-Pineapple Core, 1-2 inch piece, 3-7DPO (helps with implantation)
-Pomegranate Juice- 8 ounces, every day (helps with egg quality)
-PreSeed
-Sex
-Prayer

So far, every thing looks good, which we are so, so thankful for. I swear an hour doesn't go by when I don't thank God for this blessing. My initial beta's were 120 at 13 DPO and 1251 at 19 DPO, which gives them a doubling time of about 43 hours (beta's are supposed to double at least every 48-72 hours). My progesterone levels look awesome (thanks in part to the nasty progesterone supps, but whatever it takes, right?). My levels were always decent with Buddha, but never exactly right, so I am taking this as a good sign.

I can't even describe how I feel at this moment. It's such a jumble. I am so thrilled and excited, that goes without saying. But, just like I knew it would, a prior loss taints every pregnancy after it. I wonder if I will ever feel 100% comfortable in this pregnancy, or any pregnancy for that matter. Every cramp or twinge sends a shock wave through my heart. The progesterone I am on is known to cause spotting, and so far, it has only done so twice, but every time it makes your chest hurt. (Luckily both times it was only light pink and was high up near my cervix so I knew it was nothing major, but you can understand the fear.) I had two back to back dreams in which I had a miscarriage last weekend. Those are enough to make you not want to sleep for a week.

So I pray. All day. All night. I wake up praying, I eat praying, I go to sleep praying. A very dear friend said to me "This is not your baby, this is God's baby and you have to trust that He knows what is best for the both of you." And she's right. This isn't ours. This is God's and He was just nice enough to share it with us for the time being. In a perfect world, He will share this with us for many, many years to come. If that is not His plan....well....to be honest, I don't even go there. We'll cross that bridge should we come to it.

Our first ultrasound is next Tuesday, July 7. I am nervously excited. I am pretty sure we will not be able to see the heartbeat yet, but if we do I will take it as an added bonus. The purpose of this first early u/s is to date the pregnancy and make sure everything is right where it should be.

So please continue to pray for us. We are cautiously optimistic and ever faithful. Pray for our baby, pray for my nerves, pray for Ben to survive all my insanity, pray for a smooth, uneventful pregnancy. Just pray.

And this will likely be my last disclaimer I ever have to write on this blog. Do not, do not, do not breathe a word of this to anyone. Not on facebook, not to your neighbor, not to your mom's friend, your aunt- family of ours or not. Anyone. We don't know when we will make a large, formal announcement, but I would like to have the privilege of telling people, not by having others find out through the grapevine. The majority of you are strangers to me and live far away, some are friends and family. Please keep this to yourself. As of right now only my immediate family, Ben's immediate family and my grandparents know, so please try to keep it that way. Don't burn me on this one. Clearly this is important to us and we want to keep it to ourselves right now. I do have a certain degree of anonymity on here and that is why I chose to put this information out there. And, as I have said before, this blog is for me to look back at in later years and see all that we overcame. This is not a place for you to gather the latest gossip.

Should this prove to be a problem, this blog will indefinitely move to a private site and I will pick and choose who has access to it. I do have an idea who stops by over here right now, so that does help, but please don't make me move to a private account.

I would give you the same courtesy's I am asking for above, so please do the same for me.

::steps off soapbox::

I'll post later about our (hilarious and embarrassing) BFP story, cravings, symptoms and all the other joys we are experiencing right now sometime later, but for right now, we are just trying to enjoy this amazing blessing God has handed down to us.

Baby P.
Due Feb. 28, 2010

Hugs&Kisses

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27

I'm still here!

2009-06-23T13:01:00.002-04:00

I know I have really been slacking in the blogging dept....and I don't really have an excuse.

AND I'm leaving town tomorrow morning for a girls trip away with my mom, grandma, and two aunts to my Aunt Kathy's lake house. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I can feel the lake breeze now.

So, if I have internet access, I'll post some updates regarding my trip. If I don't...then you'll just have to wait until Monday :)

Hugs&Kisses

What IF teaches you....

2009-06-16T14:10:00.003-04:00

Well...maybe what IF has taught me.

-My marriage is so much than I ever thought it could be.

We are breezing through something (IF) that has the potential and the track record of ruining marriages. We are as solid as a boulder and nothing that we have been through has put even an ounce of stress into our marriage. It has made it stronger, able to weather any storm. It has formed a trust between Ben and I that I never thought I would be able to share with anyone. It has shown me what love really is and all the potential it holds. For that, I am blessed.

-I am stronger and braver than I ever thought I would be.

I started out as a girl who would faint at the thought of a needle even coming close to her, who would cringe at even the thought of her annual gynecology appointment because someone might *gasp* see her naked(!), who didn't speak up when she didn't understand something at a doctors appointment, who knew nothing about the way her body works, who has been through the tragedy of losing a child and lived to tell about it.

Almost 2 years later, I am now a woman who knows her body, how it works and why it does the things it does. I am now a woman who doesn't even blink during one of thousands of blood draws or hormone injections. I am now a woman who has the "pants off and on the table" drill down to a science. I am now a woman who is an advocate for her own health. I am now a woman who can serve as encouragement and support to other women who are facing the same struggles I have.

-You really learn who your true supporters are when you face hard times.

It's funny how those who you thought were in your corner slip into the woodwork when you most need them because they are uncomfortable about our situation (I'm the one getting probed by dildo cams....I should be the one who is uncomfortable!). And at the same time, your friends who you thought you had lost touch with or the uncle you were never that close to step up at just the right time to offer support or encouraging words.

-Patience is a virtue.

I have never been patient. I've never had to be. I've always gotten what I want, when I want it. IF is teaching me a much needed lesson. (By the way, IF, I get it! I've learned!)

-You can never be mad at your husband.

Maybe this refers back to Point #1. Maybe it doesn't. When dealing with IF, you can't be mad. Going to an RE appt mad at each other probably won't look good on your part. You have to have lots of sex (in our case). You don't want to hit the sack with someone you are mad at. You have to put on a brave face together in public, especially at work events or family functions. You can't enter as a team if you are mad. You learn to look over the little things, talk out the big issues and move past the biggest fights quickly. You have to.

-You have to look at the big picture.

IF is just one aspect of our lives. One tiny aspect. It makes up less than a fingernail of who I am as a person, or who we are as a couple. This isn't forever. This is temporary. This isn't life long or terminal. This is fixable. This is what it is. If you let it consume your whole life, it will. If you put it on the back burner of your mind, but keep it in the front pocket of your heart, it won't consume you. It will remain just a small aspect of your life.

Infertility sucks. It makes you feel broken. It makes you gain weight (thanks hormones and medications). It pushes you to what you think is your breaking point. It forces you to smile at your friends baby showers while you feel like your heart might just shatter right inside your chest. It makes you desperate.

But it also makes you brave. It makes you stronger. It can build your faith. It can make you fall even more in love with your spouse. It makes up just one of the many speed bumps in your life. It is what it is. We are going to have a baby. In due time.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....right?

Hugs&Kisses

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles!"

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Psalm 113:9
He gives the unfertile woman a family, making her a happy mother of children. Give praise to the Lord.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Matthew11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

The IF Roller Coaster

2009-06-13T22:03:00.003-04:00

I'm not going to throw myself a huge pity party.

My chart does indicate some form of ovulation this cycle, so that is great. I did have a late response to the Clomid (CD19), but should we need to move onto another cycle (24, but who is really still counting at this point?), we will up my Clomid does and move my start date from CD5 to CD3.

And that's where the roller coaster starts. There are moments I am so filled with optimism I really feel like I could split down the sides. This is our cycle, I can feel it in my soul. We triggered 2 follies, we did everything right. This.Is.It.

Then, I am scared. What if this isn't it? What if we have to start over. Again. My heart feel so heavy at times I really think it might just fall out my butt. Dislodge from its safe cavity in my chest and fly out my rear end. I am really trying so hard to stay positive and optimistic, but it is really hard some days.

So I think I just need more prayer. I need some of this burden lifted off of me. I don't know why I feel so guilty over this whole stupid pregnancy loss/IF situation we find ourselves in.

MY body failed with Buddha.

MY ovaries are what is holding us up.

MY body is not cooperating.

It's MY fault Ben isn't a father of a 6 week old right now.

It's MY fault my parents aren't grandparents.

It feels like the weight of the world sits on MY chest and I need to get my act together and just have a baby already.

I know these are totally irrational. I know I need to slap myself and get out of this funk. I know I am on this path for a reason. I know God has a plan that is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and the day we see His plan come full circle will be the best day of our life. I know we are so blessed to not be dealing with MFI issues or severe issues on my end. I know we have so many other things we are thankful for every day. I know this is just a speed bump. I know this is temporary.

Pray for me? Please? Or, if you see me out and about, slap me and tell me to get my act together.

I am not a victim of IF. We will beat this. We will be the victors.

Hugs&Kisses

Here We Go!

2009-06-09T14:23:00.005-04:00

First, thank you so much for all your prayers! They worked!

Instead of just the one mediocre follie, we were able to trigger TWO yesterday at our appt! TWO! Holy Crap! The US Tech said "You are a medical miracle! I have never seen a follicle catch up that fast!"

In case you forgot, I had one follie measuring 14mm, and no others that were worth anything, so we (our RE and Ben and I) agreed to focus on the one and hope it didn't fizzle out. The next largest one I had was 8mm as of last Thursday. The follie needs to be between 18-20mm in order to trigger and create a viable pregnancy, and follies tend to grow at about 2mm/day. So even in the best case scenario, the 8mm follie shouldn't have been bigger than 16mm on Monday at our appt.

Both follies that we triggered were over 20mm! That is amazing. I'm not a medical miracle, I'm a child of God who has some amazing people praying over her.

And now to address the #1 question that is asked when I say that we triggered two follies. It means twins, right? Not even close. In order for this to result in twins one of two things would have to happen:

(A) BOTH eggs would have to fertilize and implant (fraternal twins).

OR

(B) One egg would have to be fertilized and would then have to split creating two babies (identical twins).

Before the rumor mill gets going full steam ahead, we are not planning on twins. We are not using fertility treatments in hopes that it will result in twins. We are hoping and praying for one healthy baby and are using fertility treatments because we had to in order to get and stay pregnant. Even a singleton pregnancy takes a lot of work for my body, so that is our focus. There are also no guarantees when using fertility treatments. There is no guarantee that the combination on drugs I have taken or am currently on will work. The success rate is about 15-20% per cycle, so all we can do is pray that we are blessed enough to be in that margin this time.

So why am I so excited about having two follies? Easy- it gives us more targets. Ben's SA's have all come back within normal limits, so there are no concerns there, but it is easier for his sperm to meet up with one of my eggs if we have multiple targets. Our only goal is for one sperm to fertilize one egg and have a healthy, full term pregnancy. If God has other plans for us, we will deal with them when they are presented.

As for the hcg trigger injection...wowzers. The injection itself didn't hurt. The aftermath. Ow. My hip is still hurting over 24 hours later! (In case you forgot what the trigger is, it is basically an hgc injection that goes into the muscle and forces my ovaries to release any follicles it has ready at the moment.) Basically, right now my body is full of pregnancy hormones, which makes me feel really sluggish and tired. I'm starving, but have no appetite. I am emotional, in a weepy, crying way. BUT it is all worth it.

Ben begged me to let him do the injection, but I was not about to let him! I love him dearly and he works in the medical field, but if it hurt, I wanted to be mad at the nurse, not him, haha. (If we get to the point where we have to start doing them at home at specific times, I will let him, but for right now, I'll let the nurses handle it.) But the nurse who did it was awesome. I stood facing Ben, with my arms around his neck, he wrapped his arms around my waist, I relaxed as possible, closed my eyes and counted to ten. And it was over. Simple as that. So for those of you who have yet to do your IM shots for the first time, the shot itself is not bad, but your hip will be sore for a while. It's definitely not something that hinders your ability during the day. I work with infants and toddlers and am up and down out of the floor all day and have done fine. I promise, it's not near as bad as I thought it would be (and I am the world's biggest baby when it comes to needles!).

And now you're caught up. I am feeling very positive. I know we are on God's path for us. I know we are going to the best of the best in this field right now. I know we are doing everything the way it needs to be done right now. I am praying harder than ever before that this is our cycle. If it's not, it will be an emotional blow, but we will only have 2 days to pick up the pieces and start preparing for our next cycle. There are no breaks for the infertile (unless you have a cyst the size of Montana on your ovary and your RE forces you into a break, haha).

We still covet all your extra prayers. We are ready to be parents again. Buddha is ready for a sibling. Our parents are ready to get "great news" again. We are ready for anything God will throw at us. All in due time though...right?

Hugs&Kisses

PS- This is an except from a blog I wrote last week:

If my prayers are answered (which they always are in God's time), we will have a few of the stragglers catch up and we will at least have two follicles to trigger. We'll see. Time will tell, right.

I prayed for at least two follicles. I got two follices. Now tell me God doesn't answer prayers!

You Googled What?

2009-06-06T19:17:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned in this post, I can see how people find my blog, where they are from and how often they visit. While I was scanning through my feed, I stumbled across this gem

Portland, Oregon arrived from google.com on "speak of the indescribable: The Adventures of Snotty, Snobby and Potty Mouth" by searching for creamy snotty cervical mucus.

Holy. Freakin. God.

How on Earth they got linked to my blog (especially that particular entry) by searching for "creamy, snotty cervical mucus" is beyond me, but it did provide me with a great afternoon laugh. I challenge anyone to find where I ever mention cervical mucus of the "creamy, snotty" variety.

::giggle::

Silly Google.

Anyway, we have had a great weekend! I hope yours has been just as good! Yesterday I took a car load of ~~crap~~ clothes and housewares that we haven't worn/used in years (literally) to a local charity, had lunch with my younger brother (an adventure in itself), ran a few other miscellaneous errands. When I got home, we I worked in the front yard and got it mowed and looking good. To be fair, Ben did do some weed eating, but it's his weekend to work so I let him take it easy. I'm such a good wife.

Today we plan on doing nothing. We slept in (which was awesome), and spent the morning just relaxing (which we need to do more of). I might mow the back yard (which will take all afternoon, it's huge)...but I might not. The day is young...

Tomorrow I go back for another follie scan. My chart keeps hinting all signs of upcoming ovulation and my OPK's are getting darker by the day ( not positive yet, but getting there). I am hoping one of two things will happen tomorrow:

(A) I will have already ovulated and will get to skip my injection this cycle.

OR

(B) The 14mm follie I had on Thursday will have grown, a few of our stragglers will have caught up and we will be ready to trigger and get this show on the road.

What I am hoping will not happen is that the one follie we had that looked promising will have fizzled out and we will have nothing. But that won't happen....right? It doesn't matter. God is in control of this situation and of me and if that is the case, then I have been blessed with an amazing RE who is a leader in this field and he will come up with an alternate plan of action for us. It's all good. It's all under control.

I have really been focusing on positive thinking lately and I really think it is starting to make a difference in my outlook and my attitude. So I am staying on the positive train (come join me).

Hugs&Kisses

PS- Hello from Roxanne, the World's Wildest English Bulldog! She enjoys belly rubs, cool baths, playing in her baby pool, ~~long walks~~ being carried on long walks, riding out the car window (pictured above) Pupperoni, afternoon naps, fine wine and strolls down the beach.

Not Bad, Not Great...

2009-06-04T10:29:00.003-04:00

So the appt wasn't a total bust, but it was far from a great success.

I needed at least 1 16mm follicle in order to trigger today. (If you don't know what the trigger is, it is basically an hgc injection that goes into the muscle and forces my ovaries to release any follicles it has ready at the moment.) I had one follicle measuring 14mm, and a few stragglers that they didn't measure because they appear to be too small to be anything significant at the moment. So no trigger (yet). We go back on Monday for a repeat scan to see if we have gotten any farther and to see if the smaller follicles have gotten any larger.

The whole point of Clomid (in my case) is to:

(A) force my pituitary gland to think my body isn't producing enough hormones to produce good follicles, thus pushing my body to make more of those hormones in hopes of creating good follicles (make sense?).

(B) hopefully make my ovaries produce more than one follicle so Ben's swimmers (which are fine, no MFI issues at the moment) have a better chance at making contact with an egg.

(C) make me crazy.

It really is a combination of all three.

Long story short, my body didn't really respond any better to the Clomid than it does when I am not on it. I usually have one mediocre follicle around this time anyway, so, at the moment, it doesn't seem like Clomid really pushed my body to do anything else. But, like I said, we have a repeat scan on Monday. As a general rule, follicles seem to grow at about 2mm/day, so as long as our leading folly (measuring 14mm) keeps growing, we will have one good egg to use this cycle. It's better than none, right? If my prayers are answered (which they always are in God's time), we will have a few of the stragglers catch up and we will at least have two follicles to trigger. We'll see. Time will tell, right.

We did talk to our RE today about what we want from these cycles and how important it is for us to be monitored closely. Our main goal while on these hormones and medications and injections is not only to produce a baby, but also to be responsible. We want to avoid multiples at all costs. This does not mean we would not be thrilled with twins, but multiple pregnancies are known for being more risky, involving more bed rest and closer monitoring. I already have enough issues, so I would really rather not add high risk pregnancy to it. But God has a sense of humor...we'll see how it plays out. He (our RE) was very supportive and in all his years of practice, he has only had one set of triplets and his rate of twins runs between 5-10% out of all his patients. Not bad odds, right? However, we did fall into the 5-10% of couples who miscarry and the 5-10% of couples who deal with infertility. At least we are consistent.

But in good news, we did have one decent follie. I need to remember to be thankful for that one. After all, it only takes one. And my uterine lining still looks good. Clomid is notorious for thinning the lining, making it near impossible for an embryo to implant. It needs to be over 5mm in order for it to be considered "good" and I measured in at 6mm today. I need to remember to be thankful for that, too. And I have lost 7 lbs during this whole cycle of treatment, which shocked the bejesus out of me. It is almost unheard of to lose weight on these drugs, so woo-hoo for me!

We are (trying to) stay positive. We already discussed our plan of action for next cycle, assuming this one is a bust. Our RE is amazing (seriously, I love him) and is so supportive of our concerns. No question is a stupid question, and he talks in real people terms, not medical jargon. If this cycles isn't our cycle, we will either

(A) bump my Clomid dose up to 150mg and start it on CD 3 instead of CD5 and see how that goes.

OR

(B) use injectables (Gonal-F) to make more follies next time. Gonal-F is more powerful, but has a better success rate than Clomid.

We'll cross that bridge when we get to it though. Who knows, maybe this is it for us.

Time will tell.

It sure is a frustrating game in the mean time.

Hugs&Kisses

::Nervous::

2009-06-03T16:54:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is (IMO) our most important appt yet. We will find out if I:

(A) Responded to Clomid at all. The lack of side effects is making me think it didn't work, but the lack of symptoms may also be due to the obscene amount of Gatorade I have been drinking over the past 6 days.

(B) If I have any follicles (eggs) ready to go and if they are worth anything (big enough to meet with a sperm and create an embryo).

(C) When/If we can do my trigger injection.

(D) If the Clomid has created any more cysts on my ovaries (not what we want).

It's honestly overwhelming. This is why I get so frustrated when people just assume you go on Clomid and BAM!-you're pregnant.

It is so not that easy.

There are so many factors that a (good) Dr (OB or RE) needs to look at while you are taking Clomid. If my RE wasn't paying attention and was just writing Clomid scripts left and right, I would have lost my right ovary bc of the size of the cyst that was on my right side at the time. Being on Clomid is expensive. Between all the copay's (which I will never complain about, we are so, so blessed to live in a state that mandates insurance co's to provide IF coverage-many IF couples are not as lucky as we are), the thousands of ultrasounds (which again, we are so lucky and they are covered through our insurance) the Rx's, the "outside expenses" (Preseed-highly recommended, esp during O-week sex marathons, Fertility Friend subscriptions and all the other things that slip through the cracks). It is expensive, yet I will not complain. This is why we went to college, got good jobs with great pay. We thank God every day that we are fortunate enough to be able to afford our treatment.

Women who need Clomid, or any fertility drug for that matter, don't take it for craps and giggles. They take it because they need it in order to (hopefully) kick their ovaries into gear. They aren't fun pills that guarantee a viable pregnancy. They guarantee nothing.

It get's under my skin so bad when people don't even try to make an effort to understand what taking all these meds can do to your system, your hormones, your marriage and your life. Side ways, snippy comments make to couples dealing with IF regarding the choices they are making to start their family are so unnecessary. We aren't asking to be set up on a pedestal and worshiped, we just want privacy. If we want to talk about what is going on, we will bring it up.

I don't need to be asked every single time I see you "Have you started your injections yet?"

As a matter of fact, I haven't. As a matter of fact, I have told you several times I won't start them until the third week of this cycle. As a matter of fact, I know you know I am not in the third week yet, so why do you continue to ask? If I want to talk about the injections that I am nervous about and dreading/looking forward to at the same time, I will bring it up. So quit being so farking nosey? Okay?

IF can consume a couple. Their marriage, their professional life, everything.
I take that back.
It can consume you-if you let it.

Ben and I were feeling the pressure of this cycle this weekend. I felt myself thinking about the money we have sunk into this 30 day time frame of our life, the time we have invested in that 30 day time period, the number of times I have heard "Pants off and on the table" in that 30 day time period, how comfortable I am getting flashing my privates to strangers (mainly my RE and his staff, but you catch my drift), how freakishly comfortable I am starting to find their squishy exam table and heated foot plates on the lovely stirrups and how on EARTH did we find ourselves here?

So we snuck away to my MIL's for two days. Best.Decision.Ever. My MIL doesn't live on a resort property, have a large inground pool or 24 hour roomm services at her house. To be honest, she lives in Logan, WV. Some call it the arm pit of WV. ::giggle:: I love going there; Ben swears it's because I didn't grow up there, but I say I love going there because it's not home. It's an escape. While we are there, I don't worry about failed cycles, injections or upcoming Dr appts. I don't wonder how many more cycles we will have to go through to get that magic BFP again. I don't care about the meaningless drama two opposing friends are sparking between each other (I promptly blog about it and move on, duh). I just enjoy spending time with Ben and his family. We sleep in. His mom cooks us amazing meals. We watch TV. We play with the dogs (my MIL is awesome and always welcomes ALL THREE off our rowdy crew). We relax. We take a deep breath. We hit the reset button and prepare to return to our normal (is there such a thing as normal?) lives back at home. We aren't labeled by our IF for a few days. We are just Ben and Cate. Owners of three insane dogs. Lovers of movies. Eaters of his mom's veggie pizza. Sarstic quip exchanging punks. Tickle/slap/punch fighting opponents. We are just us. And it's nice.

Part of me loves it just being the two of us....but there is still that part of me that wants a physical representation of the love we have for each other- a child. We're getting there. One (baby) step at a time.

So, as always, keep us in your prayers tomorrow. I'll try to update quickly from my Blackberry when I leave the office, but we will see if I am smart enough to figure it out. We would love for this to be our winning cycle, but know things will happen in God's time, not ours.

And, as always, let me know what I can pray for you about. Leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail (addy is to the right--->).

Hugs&Kisses

That Just Happened...

2009-06-02T00:46:00.002-04:00

Someone just threw down the "she needs therapy" card.

Right in front of my own eyes.

BURN!

It wasn't directed at me, yet it was still unwarranted.

Come on ladies. Can we get it together for five freakin seconds? Can we stop being at each others throats for five freakin seconds? Can we stop being so judgmental for five freakin seconds? Can we stop playing the victim in every scenario for five freakin seconds? Can we be...I don't know...supportive and accepting of each other for five.freakin.seconds?

It gets so effing old listening to women go back and forth, taking cheap, deep shots at each other. The side in the alleged "wrong" apologized. They took back their words. Yet other parties can't walk away without having the last word and here I sit, stuck in the middle.

I don't know about you, but I don't have time for these petty arguments and childish banter. I hit a good stretch where I didn't have any drama for months, seriously months. I have a low tolerance for those who constantly play the victim, thrive off of drama or have a constant need to be the center of attention. So how on EARTH do they keep sneaking back in?

I think the need to make a few social cuts has been a long time coming, but my threshold is just about to break. Either grow up or get out of my life. That's really all I have to say at this point.

::too pissed to offer Hugs OR Kisses tonight::

Perspective is a funny thing...

2009-05-31T14:42:00.007-04:00

I was confiding in a friend the other day about our TTC issues, our loss and IF and how we are handling it. Here were her main points:

-It took her three whole months to TTC her second baby, so she knows how hard TTC is! Like, totally! She was really starting to panic folks! She was thinking something was wrong with her! OMG! (She was insanely flippant about it which was amusing.)

-My Perspective: It takes couples, normal, healthy couples on average 6-12 months to get pregnant. There are those super freaks out there who get pregnant on the first try, but I am convinced many of them have sold their soul to the Devil in order to do so. Three months into our TTC journey, we weren't even close to breaking a sweat. The first "WTF?" moments weren't until about 6 cycles in. Even then we weren't too concerned. So three months to TTC? Ha! That is child's play.

-She totally knows how scary a miscarriage is because she had, like, ya know, spotting at 7 weeks and freaked! OMG. So yea, she totally understands how scary and hard it is.

-My Perspective: (Let me catch my breath from laughing so hard first.) Yea, spotting at 7 weeks is scary, I'll give you that. But the fear we felt when I started spotting and the sheer agony that we felt when we were told there was no longer a heartbeat? Not even on the same playing field. Seriously. To even think it is okay to compare the two makes me think you ~~might be~~ probably are mentally deranged. They are different kinds of fear and sadness.

-Women who deal with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD (postpartum depression) because it took them so long to conceive their child. They have no excuse to be sad.

-My Perspective: Hold the mother ****** phone. This was the point at which I ended the conversation, excused myself and walked away. As someone who has a history of depression in her family, I really didn't take this too lightly.
I have worked really hard to stay on top of how I feel and how I am doing emotionally since I was around 21. I know I am at higher risk for depression because of my family history, so when people throw around things like this or the "you need therapy" card, it really strikes a nerve with me. I keep a tight hold on where I am mentally and emotionally because I have seen first hand how debilitating depression can be and I never want that to be me.
PPD has nothing to do with whether you love your baby or not. The change in hormones, your entire lifestyle and daily routine and exhaustion can all lead to PPD. So saying that women who have dealt with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD is ludicrous. Throwing around the "you need therapy" card is right up there with it.
Part of the problem with PPD and depression is that "we" (the public) make it something to be ashamed of. PPD doesn't mean you don't love your baby. Depression doesn't mean you are fighting the urge to jump from a tall building every day to your death. It just means you are having a hard time and might need a little help. Since when is asking for help so wrong? Since when did asking for help become something we should be ashamed of?
The insane part? Most of the criticism comes from other women! Why are we always so pitted against each other? Instead of judging those having a hard time, why aren't we empathetic and compassionate towards them? Why is it that snarky, condescending comments come out first instead of supportive encouragement? It's mind boggling. We have enough against us as women just from society alone, so why are we killing each other just to give ourselves one second of self appointed glory? Does being so rude to others really make you feel that good? It doesn't work that way for me...perhaps it does for others though. I've got enough on plate as it is though, so I can only focus on me at the moment.

Maybe we all need some therapy...

::throws down the therapy card and scoots soapbox back under the table::

And in other news, one more dose of Clomid to go! The side effects have been minimal. Popping a few Tylenol when I get up and about every 4 hours afterwards seems to keep the headaches at bay, the mood swings are no more than they are when I'm not on Clomid (right, Honey?), and the night sweats have not returned since night one, although I am thinking the culprit of said night sweats was not the Clomid, but rather a pair of 70 pound Boxers named Marley and Boston. They are documented bed hogs (since that blog, Marley has decided that living inside is the only way to live, so now we share the bed with both boys instead of just Boss).

That's it for now, I have much more to enter, but I try to keep entries somewhat reasonable so they don't require an entire afternoon to read.

Hugs&Kisses

Coincidence? I Think Not...

2009-05-29T22:46:00.003-04:00

While looking through the World in Pictures, I came across pictures of Buddha's birthday celebration(it's image number 259, if you are interested-and the pics are at the bottom of the page, scroll down and you will see them). When I read the date on it, I couldn't help but smile.

May 7, 2009.

Our original due date.

Buddha's birthday falls on a different day every year (I think it depends on the position of the moon) and this year it just happened to fall on May 7.

Hope you enjoyed your big party, babe!

Hugs&Kisses

PS-Hoda Kotb just finished a story on Dateline about some drama filled something, I wasn't paying attention. Apparently it ended with a couple naming their daughter Neveah. This was the closing line:

"They named their daughter Neveah, it's Heaven spelled backward."

Despite being home alone, I fell in the floor laughing. If you know me, you know how I feel about this name and everyone who uses this name. Every single person who uses it thinks it's the most original name ever and always tags on "It's heaven spelled backward." Cracks me up every time. I joke that the child's legal name should be "NeveahitsHeavenspelledbackward".

::giggles to self::

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I crack myself up.

PPS- Clomid headaches are brutal. Sweet baby Jesus, send relief soon!

Clomid: Day Two...

2009-05-29T09:33:00.003-04:00

Breathe easy, everyone here still has their head, so there ::sticks out tongue to naysayers who told us Clomid would turn me into an evil, hormonal devil::.

Aside from a nightly headache and night sweats (sexy, right?) I have had no side effects. My ovaries feel like they are asleep, all numb and tingly, about 2 hours after I take it but by then I am already in bed and more than half asleep so I don't really care. No severe bloating, nausea, boob pain, angry outbursts, irrational thinking, hissy fits or crying explosions.

As for the Gatorade Challenge...it's tough! I made it through the first 48 ounces with no problem. The next two were a bit of a struggle. The seventh bottle was my breaking point. Keep in mind I am drinking all this Gatorade on top of my regular intake of water (which yesterday was 4 16 ounce bottles). I was so sick of drinking. My bladder was screaming at me at 10:30pm that it just couldn't handle another ounce. I drank 7 out of the 8 bottles set as my goal for daily intake, so for the first day, I really don't think that is all too bad. Do I think it is making a difference when it comes to side effects? Absolutely. I started a higher then usual dose of Clomid due to my PCOS (usual initial dose is 50mg, I started at 100mg) and felt no "shock" the day after like those I read about all across Google, my bloating has really been under control (despite drinking my weight in Gatorade) and the mood swings are nonexistent. I honestly think the extra electrolytes and vitamins are making a difference.

Add to that, when you are drinking that much, it totally zaps your appetite, which isn't good. If you remember, I am taking Metformin to help control my PCOS. Metformin is usually used to treat Type2 diabetics and help control their blood sugar but is also approved as a treatment option for PCOS if you do not want to take hormonal birth control. So taking a drug intended for diabetics even though you don't have diabetes can get interesting at times. If I don't eat with my dose it makes me really lightheaded which leads to headaches or it really upsets my stomach. Eating when you don't feel like it is miserable, so today my plan is to figure out how to space 8 12ounce bottles of Gatorade throughout the day so that it doesn't absolutely destroy my appetite. It's a work in progress.

****And this just in****

My injections just arrived. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! The needle....it's huge.

::faints::

::repeats to self:: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

It's just a needle, right? Just like the ones they take my blood with, right? I do fine with those, so this will be a breeze and will take a fraction of the time.

God, I hope this works. I am really working extra hard this cycle to turn everything over completely to God and let Him have control over this cycle. So far, it's working. He won't heap more onto me than I can handle. Clearly He thinks we can handle this as a couple, so onward we press. I have noticed my prayers being just a touch on the selfish side lately, so let's tack that on to the list of things I need to work on.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Hugs&Kisses

Well...Here Goes Nothing...

2009-05-27T21:01:00.003-04:00

First pill, down the hatch. Technically, the first two down the hatch (50mg+50mg=100mg, mathematicians). Please GOD let this be it for us. This whole endeavor is getting expensive and we haven't even really hit the expensive stuff AND we have some of the best IF insurance coverage this country offers (BlueCross BlueShield, for those interested).

But really, who are we kidding? We all know money is no object when you are going after something you wholeheartedly want. We would just like to keep it on the cheaper end if at all possible.

One super fun side effect of Clomid is OHSS. From what I understand, it is very painful and something I want to avoid at all costs. Should I fall victim to OHSS, it would likely mean sitting (another) cycle out and more time wasted. I fully trust my (awesome) RE (whose praises I really can't sing enough) and know he his monitoring me while on Clomid to try to either prevent these things from happening or to treat them as soon as it is even possible to catch them.

S0, in a huge effort to prevent OHSS, they recommend drinking (get this) 100 ounces of a low sugar, electrolyte filled sports drink, basically leaving G2 (Gatorade) as my only option. Oh yea, and that 100 ounces is in addition to your regular daily water intake. This would be awesome if I liked Gatorade....but I don't. Sweeeeet. So I have 36 12 ounce bottles, each numbered with what day I'm on and what number bottle I am drinking so I can keep track of what I have drank(ex: Bottle 1.1 is Day 1, Bottle 1, Bottle 3.5 is Day 3, Bottle 5-ya following me? My OCD tends to kick in on odd things.). According to my (super fantastic) mom's calculations, I need to take in 8 bottles a day, plus water. Whatever it takes, right? I'll do whatever it takes and do so with a smile on my face.

If you see me float past your house in a river of my own urine, do a girl a favor and throw me a line, okay?

Be jealous of my abundant supply of (numbered) G2 that is overtaking my fridge. Mmmm...I see that cantaloupe already cut up on the top shelf....I see my late night snack.

And ^that^, is my darling Ben. I really can't put into words how much he means to me. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could love someone. I really can't commend him enough for being such a rock of support for me and all the different hormones and meds I have been on. I know I brag on him all the time, but I can't help it. Sorry. He has yet to miss an appt, always makes sure I have taken my meds, brings me whatever I need whenever I need it and loves me despite my hormone induced mood swings.

I took this picture last fall at the Pumpkin Patch right after we lost Buddha and it has remained my all time favorite picture. I can't even bring myself to touch up a few things I notice in Photoshop because I don't want to lose anything from the moment. The sunlight and shadows and everything are just so perfect. I love him, pure and simple. Just like this photo.

Hugs&Kisses

PS- Yes, I do have quite a hefty sum of money invested in photography equipment, yet still choose to use my Blackberry for some things. Don't ask why....I really don't know.

Um....Yikes.....

2009-05-27T10:45:00.002-04:00

So....notice in the bottom right corner I have a link to Feedjit. It basically tells me who reads my blog, how often and where they are from or how they found my site. Pretty awesome, yes?

Most people I can pinpoint by location. For example, Indian Trail, NC is more than likely one of my dear high school friends. Hilliard, OH is likely my Aunt and/or Uncle. Most locations are a total mystery to me and I have no clue who I know there that might find me interesting enough to read about, though I am sure many are Nesties.

Some people find me when Googling the lyrics for this blogs namesake.

Others find me by searching key words like "infertility blog" or "rainbow".

So when I stumble across this:

Baltimore, Maryland arrived from google.com on "speak of the indescribable: Writers Blocks & Randomness..." by searching for "castrate my husband" testicle.

09:21:41 -- 1 hour 22 mins ago

it makes me wonder just what some people are really looking for. Sorry folks, you won't find instructions for that "activity" here.

But anyway, "Hello!" to Kaiserslautern, Rheinland-Pfalz (which I am assuming is in Germany), Erskine, South Australia, Macon, Georgia and all the other lovely (hopefully nonviolent, noncastrating) readers out there!

Hugs&Kisses

Writers Blocks & Randomness...

2009-05-25T12:20:00.010-04:00

I can always think of a thousand things to blog about until I sit down to post. Sometimes there is good reason for that, other times...not so much.

Excuse One-I really make an effort not to post when I am angry about something or at someone. That is prime time for saying things you don't mean and might regret later. So I give things time to cool down and then I usually either (A) forget what I was mad about or (B) let sleeping dogs lie and leave the subject alone. After all, this is a public blog and God only knows who is reading it, so I can't put people on blast because...well...they might be reading. In addition, if I have an issue with someone, it is usually better to either (A) write about them cryptically and make every nervous wondering if it is them I am speaking of or (B) go directly to the source. I find issue with few people and generally don't care if someone else finds issue with me, so this is rarely an issue.

Excuse Two- I sit down to post when I am bored about 60% of the time and when I am bored, I can't think which, in turn leads to writers block. It happens more often than I care to admit.

Moving on....let's see if I can scrounge up enough useless crap for a worthwhile blog entry.

Random Item #1- I made kick ass cupcakes last week. Butter Pecan with craisins and butter cream frosting.

My darling mother got me a giant cupcake pan last year for Christmas and I was dying to try it out. I had heard horror stories about frosting the top of it, but it really wasn't hard at all, just time consuming. It's not perfect, but for a first try, I don't think I did too bad.

Random Item #2- Aygestin is the devil. I repeat. Aygestin is the devil. There is no doubt in my mind that Satan himself created this drug. While it did drastically reduce the cyst (God helped with that part), it was like being on an emotional roller coaster. Fine one minute, skipping through fields of butterflies, farting daisy's. The next, sobbing over the inability to find a matching pair of socks. It was insane. It makes some people meaner than snakes, others really depressed. It made me a sobbing mess (with a touch of mean). But, as the RE said, he (jokingly) puts people on it to test their marriage. B

Another charming part of Aygestin (TMI to follow), it makes your period brutal. BRUTAL. The bleeding is fairly normal, but the cramping. Holy.Shit. After my D&C, they gave me Pitocin to make my ute contract and expel anything that was left. I thought those cramps were bad. Haha...those were child's play. These cramps will knock the wind out of you, force you to your knees and beg to die. Ahhhh, isn't PCOS fun?

Random Item #3- My RE always tries to go the cheaper route as far as IF treatments because insurance companies don't seem to like IF patients and want to make their lives very expensive. Luckily, our insurance company is awesome and pays pretty much everything except IVF. So we are responsible for our copay ($35) and Rx's (Metformin is $4, Clomid is $9, Aygestin and Provera were $4 and my Progesterone supps were $20 for a 20 day supply) and that is about it. We had to pay $7 for Ben's SA (at an out of network Dr (our RE) and they were free at our "home hospital"), $26 for my US's at the RE's office (again, out of network, but they are free if they are done at our "home hospital") and that's it...Awesome, right?

Ah, but there is a downside. As I have said, we are trying an injectible hormone this cycle (HcG). There are two versions available: a subq version, Ovidrel, that goes right beside your belly button, under the skin (aka: the one I wanted) and an IM version, Pregnyl, that goes deeeep into your muscle with a long, sharp needle (aka: the one I didn't want). The Ovidrel is almost $100, I think Freedom quoted me $96.25. The Pregnyl, on the other hand, is about 1/2 that. So which version do they use....you guessed it, the Pregnyl. Ow. My poor thigh is hurting already. Cheap RE, always trying to save me money. ::giggle:: Thank GOD my MIL is going to do the shot for me. Yes, Ben does work in the medical field, but he would rather me be mad at my MIL than him if it hurts.

And for the record, I won't be mad at anyone. I can almost feel the phone lines to my MIL's house light up now with gossip. I'm not mad at anyone about this, I don't want this but it is what we have to do. I should get used to it. Assuming this cycle doesn't work, we will likely be on to Follistim (an injection that works somewhat like Clomid does) in addition to the HcG trigger. I think the Follistim is 5 injections, so I just need to suck it up, get over the whole needle phobia and pray like mad that this cycle works.

Random Item #4- Funny Story: I walked into our bedroom to empty the trash and found (are you ready?) a condom wrapper.
::gasp::
(Keep in mind, I was still on the crazy pill-I mean, Aygestin, when I found this.)
We don't use condoms. Hello! We are trying to have a baby!
I felt my hands go numb (looking back, this was likely a side effect of the devil pill), my face get hot and rage boil throughout my entire body. What.The.Hell. Who had been at my house, with my husband, in our bed?
Just as I turned to go and find my super sharp, Wolfgang Puck killer knives to castrate my husband with (BTW, these are awesome knives! Ben's Aunt Johnna got them for us as a wedding gift and I have loved them ever since), I see my bra hanging from the ceiling fan.
"Hmmmmmmmmm....." I think to myself. "How did that get there?"
Oh yea.....we weren't allowed to get pregnant on the Aygestin (it can lead to hermaphrodite babies or something crazy like that). WE had been using the condoms. Silly girl.
Ben escaped unharmed, with all his genitalia intact.
(PS-the next time we saw my RE he said "Good job not getting pregnant!" and we died laughing. Some people have a really hard time not getting pregnant, we know of a few and found this comment highly hilarious. He also told us we laugh more than any couple he sees. If IF can't be funny, then it has to be sad. Funny is easier for us as long as we are making the jokes.)

Random Item #5- You would think I would have learned not to joke about Ben's genitalia by now, seeing as last time I joked about it on the Internet, it sparked a mini-family Holy War. Ahhh, the good ole' days. Looking back, the drama that ensued was twice as hilarious as the actual comment made regarding my darling husband's testicles. A good time was had by all. I hold no ill feelings, after all, it's not very Christian-like to hold a grudge. I hope this joke doesn't lead to WWII...it won't likely because I think my mom and a few of my aunts are the only ones in our families who read this nonsense.

Random Item #6- I am going to meet my best online buddy, Rachel, in about 3.5 weeks and I am super thrilled. She "gets" me and what going through IF is like better than anyone I know IRL. We started TTC around the same time and are both starting/have started Clomid around the same time. She is irreplaceable to me as a friend and I can not wait to meet her. If only we could convince Brigid to come....It would be like a festival of IF girls.

For a post that was about writers block, this sure turned out long.

Happy Memorial Day to all our service men and women! You do a selfless job and don't get near the credit you deserve.
Happy Memorial Day to our Buddha! I have seen tons of rainbows lately! Keep sending them to me! They make our entire week!

Hugs&Kisses

Can I Just Say.....(2nd Edition)

2009-05-23T15:21:00.004-04:00

I know you are probably thinking I am ill or something- I have actually posted three.days.in.a.row! Go me! I think I have posted just one other "Can I Just Say..." post

Anyway, this will be a quick one. The subject: American Idol

Can I just say that I am pretty stinkin' proud that Kris is the new American Idol. I think he is refreshing and is what this country needs. I just hope he doesn't sell out and stays true to his praise roots.

Hugs&Kisses

PS-Listen to this on your down days. It lifts me up and reminds me of all the promise God holds in the future for us all.

This just in...

2009-05-22T23:03:00.003-04:00

Actually this news is about 12 hours old but I am just now getting a chance to post.

I know you were all on the edge of your seat all day just waiting for me to update.

Overall, the appt was GREAT. I still have some smaller cysts on both sides, but comes along with the PCOS territory. I also have a few potential eggies on both sides, but they are pretty small (which is why I'll be starting Clomid in hopefully about a week or so). I get to quit taking the Provera (YAY!) and now we wait for AF to arrive. Then I'll call and schedule a few US's for monitoring, start my Clomid on CD5, trigger (following another US) with the HcG injection and then enter the dreaded 2ww. We will not be doing IUI this cycle unless my CM shows "unfavorable conditions".

My RE (who I have raved about before and will continue to do so) is hilarious. He asked how I was doing since coming off the Aygestin. I jokingly said "Well, I'm a lot nicer." He laughed and said "Yea, that Aygestin is an evil drug. I throw people on it just to make sure their marriage is ready for a baby. If they can make it through a week on it, they can make it through anything." Honestly, so true. It is an evil drug, but it works and it got the job done (and Ben survived unharmed!).

So that is where we are. Right now we are just waiting for AF to arrive so we can get this train moving. I have been spotting since Wednesday or Thursday, so now that I have completely stopped taking the Provera, AF will be right around the corner.

And there you have it. A complete update on the status of my ute. You're welcome!

Hugs&Kisses

ETA: I need to take a minute and just commend Ben, my other half. He worked last night (as he usually does before my appt's) and was exhausted when he got home. He knows he does not have to go to all my appointments but has never missed a single one. He really struggled this morning to stay awake during the almost 2 hours we spent at the RE's office but remains my best source of support. He knows how physically, mentally and emotionally draining all these medications, ultrasounds and procedures are on me and knows how much I am dreading these upcoming shots, but has never strayed an inch from my side. He is really trying to understand what it is like for me, even though it is impossible (you know, because he doesn't have a vag or female reproductive system, haha). He is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to go through all of this with me. If you read this, Ben, I love you to the moon and back and to the moon again.

Not Cool, Potentially Cool and Very Cool.

2009-05-21T20:47:00.008-04:00

Not Cool:
My younger (irresponsible and broke among other things) and his gf are pregnant and I'm having a hard time with it, I'm sure most of you remember the whole blow out. (Click Here for the whole story.)
Well, we basically don't talk anymore. His choice. I call and text...wait. Make that I used to call and text, but after so many no replies, I just gave up.

Long story short, he was moping the floor when I called him one day and I asked him why he was doing it and not his gf (he works 2 jobs, she sits around and complains). He said she can't be around ANY chemicals whatsoever.
I told him she was full of it. (kinda....I may have said it a different way, but that was the gist of it)
While it's not a good idea for her to drink drink bleach while she's pg, she can certainly mop a floor.

Then he says:

(Wait for it. It's a gem!)

"Maybe moping floors is why your baby died."

Hold.The.Mother.______.Phone.

That was the last time we spoke. I feel justified in my lack of phone calls his direction. Everyone says "Oh, but he doesn't have a filter, words just fly out of his mouth!"

Hey, how 'bout this: He's 22 and about to be a father. GET AN EFFING FILTER.

Oh yea-and they are having a boy. Just like Buddha.

Whatevs.
::flips hair::

Budhha is way cooler than their kid can ever dream of being. AND he was conceived out of love and was much wanted by many people. He was nothing to be ashamed of.

So am I being juvenile and immature? Sure. Do I have a right to be juvenile and immature? You bet your ass I do, those rights come along with your membership to the IF Club. This club doesn't have many privileges, but being juvenile and immature are some of the best.

She (the ex-gf) really wanted a girl, so when I heard it is a boy, I giggled deep down.

((If you have anything nasty to say in regards to ^^, then just don't leave a comment. I thought about locking comments down for this post but am choosing not to. It's pretty simple, if you don't like what I write, don't read it! Easy peasy.))

Moving on.

Potentially Cool:
Tomorrow we go for our follow up ultrasound. I have been doing really well on the Provera, so I hope beyond all hope that the main cyst in question is gone. ((TMI AHEAD)) I had a really hard cramp on my right side, kinda like the ones I have had before when a smaller cyst ruptured but a little harder, then had some spotting and firm globs of what looked like CM pass through, so I think whatever was left of that cyst ruptured. At least, that is what I am hoping happened.

Please keep us (my right ovary, mainly) in your thoughts. I need this cyst to be GONE so I can finish up the Provera by Monday, start my period and move on.

Ask anyone who knows me, I hate needles. HATE THEM. But now, the injection part doesn't even phase me at this point. I trust Ben to do them, he works in the medical field, so I know he knows what he is doing. I am okay with doing whatever it takes to get to our end goal-a baby. I don't even mind all the IF stuff really, as long as we are moving forward and with answers, I can deal with it. I am under the care of the best of the best in this field and am comfortable with all his suggestions and treatment options.

Like I told Ben yesterday, this is just IF. Some people have it way worse. We haven't had multiple failed IUI's or IVF's. We haven't received a terminal diagnosis for either one of us. We are good. We are just in some choppy water. Once we get through this, it will be smooth sailing (knock on wood and say a prayer).

Very Cool:
I received my first blog awards in the past month! YAY!

I am going to make a whole post just for these awards so I can keep track of who I am forwarding the on to. But THANKS to those who found my blog award worthy!

That's All. Pray for the bum ovary. I'll pray for yours.

Hugs&Kisses

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-20T23:36:00.004-04:00

I took these this past weekend when I went to visit my parents in Pocahontas County, WV. Don't be a douche and steal these, I haven't watermarked them yet :)

Hugs&Kisses

PS- Click on the images to view the whole picture. I couldn't downsize them enough without making them look screwy.

Just The Tip Of The Iceburg....

2009-05-16T00:29:00.005-04:00

All of these

PLUS:

the lovely progesterone supps that live in the refrigerator,(^those aren't really them. you don't want to see what they really look like....trust me)

injections,

(which I haven't received yet)

my trusty thermometer (note the Fertility Friend chart pulled up in the background in the first picture-coincidental, I swear),

digital OPK's (and Internet cheapies),

Several (read: hundreds-at least it feels that way) of dates with the lovely dildo cam,

and the small lump of cash to pay our office copay's and Rx copay's

(Oh yea....and all the sex. But that would be wildly inappropriate to post pictures of here.)

are all of the things it is going to take for us to get (and stay) pregnant.

It's okay. You can admit it. You are so jealous of me right now. I know if I were you, I would be jealous.

ETA: The first pic and the OPK pic are mine. The others aren't. Not that it matters. Oh wait....the picture of all the money-it's mine too. Right.

Hugs&Kisses

Good Appt! (finally)

2009-05-15T13:16:00.002-04:00

You ready for a great new post from yours truly?

He (my awesome RE) was concerned with the side effects I was having, they weren't life threatening, but he said "Pregnancy is going to be uncomfortable enough on you. Let's not make the process uncomfortable." I love him.

So. The cyst on my right side went from 44mm (almost 2 inches around) to 13mm (about 1/2 inch, maybe less)! W00T! My left side is entirely clear of cysts! AWESOME!

They switched me to Provera because the side effects seem to be less harsh. I'll be on that for a week, go back next Friday to make sure everything is gone (which he seems to think it will be).

THEN we (meaning me) will start 100mg of Clomid (up from 50mg) with US's every 3 days to make sure everything is on track(skipping weekends until we get close to O time), triggering with HcG, deciding if this will be an IUI cycle or one where we do it (as close to) the old fashioned way (as we can get), then starting progesterone and then playing the waiting game.

I feel 100000% better today :) Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and hugs. I love you all so much!

AND I am going to start trying to document this whole process better. It's becoming a huge part of our lives, so we started today. I am going to (try to) take pictures when we go for appointments, when Ben (or his mom-depending on whether it is an intramuscular injection or not) stab me with needles or when anything big happens.

Our Second Home
(not the Breast Center, lol, though Ben would love that!)

I still have another post waiting, but it's not ready yet. It should be filled with Blogger awards and good news! Stay tuned!

Hugs&Kisses

I'm Not Surprised...

2009-05-14T20:30:00.002-04:00

So, as I said I am taking Aygestin to try to help resolve some ovarian cysts I am dealing with right now.

And now for the part that doesn't surprise me.

I am having "undesirable and potentially serious" side effects from the Aygestin. AWESOME.

Since starting it, I have had killer head aches, ovarian cramps on both sides, numbness in my hands and fingers, swelling in my hands, severe mood swings, slight depression (don't worry, I'm more weepy and sad than suicidal-READ: I am NOT suicidal. Just weepy and sad. Clear?) I am retaining water like no ones business. All things that they DON'T want to see happen while taking this med.

So back to the RE we go tomorrow to see what the deal is. Honestly, if the medicine is working and the side effects are nothing serious, I will just suck it up and deal with them. If it's not working, then my only other option is probably surgery.

If you don't mind, please say a prayer for us. This whole situation has moved from stressful (because we want a baby and can't have one) to emotional overwhelming. It's not even stressful to me anymore, it's more about making it from one day to the next with out an emotional breakdown.

Also, please pray for the Freeman's. Their brave little girl, Kayleigh, passed away Monday. What they are dealing with totally eclipses what we are going through. My heart breaks for them. They gave up (literally) everything in the hopes that she would come home and that didn't work out. Life is so unfair sometimes.

Hugs&Kisses

PS- I will post a new (much more positive) post sometime this weekend. There are several "praises" going on in our lives right now, so don't think we are living a gloom and doom lifestyle. Even in the midst of this emotional roller coaster, we have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Due Date, Buddha!

2009-05-07T22:58:00.003-04:00

Today was a great day! I thought about you a lot, but never really hit a sad bump. I think part of it is because I saw God's plan come full circle today. (Post regarding that coming this weekend)

We love you so much more than you could ever know. We miss you but know, 100% this is the way things were supposed to play out. Your dad and I had a 90's dance party in the car from Huntington to Charleston tonight in you honor. It was such a blast! We were both laughing so hard, Buddha. I know you saw us and hope you joined in on the insanity.

Be a good boy and enjoy your "birthday"!

Love,

Momma

Grounded.

2009-05-05T15:02:00.004-04:00

We are grounded from TTC.

We went in today for our clearance US so we could start Clomid tomorrow night and it did not go according to plan (but really, when have my US's ever gone according to plan?).

There is a cyst on my right ovary that is dangerously large (thanks, PCOS). It is not safe for us to start Clomid this cycle. Instead, I have to take a really high, high level of progesterone (Aygestin) to basically shut my ovaries down so they can repair the cyst that is trying to over take the right side.

I'm really pissed. I feel like my faith is standing on shifting sand right now. I know, deep down, there is a plan for us that is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, but right now, it's hard to grasp that.

I'm pissy at everyone because I am so overextended in every aspect of my life right now (oh, and a fun side effect of this medication: it makes you super bitchy. awesome.). If one more person tells me to "just take a day off" I am going to murder them (not really). WHEN am I supposed to take a day off? When I have the opportunity to take some time to myself, floors needing to be mopped, or groceries need to be bought or I have another 983989 Dr appointments scheduled for that day. I can't just blow my job off because I have families who depend on me to provide services for their child(ren). They need me more than I need an hour to myself.

So here comes the disclaimer: MOM(both of ours)-Stop Reading Now. I know you get your feelings hurt and I am not writing what I am about to write to hurt your feelings or attack you. We love you both, but I (Cate) need to get this off my chest.

It's hard to have a mother who is also a nurse. Both of our mom's are nurses. My mom works on the floor and Ben's mom is a surgical assistant and teaches nursing at a local college. They are both amazing at what they do and are such a blessing to have when we need to know what to take for a cold or what to do when one of us is sick. However, it is hard for them (in both of our opinions) to kick out of "being a nurse". So when we call them when we leave a Dr's appointment, they immediately kick into "what can I tell them from a health field perspective" instead of just being our mom's. Sometimes all we (and I emphasize the we in this sentence- I do not want anything that is being said here to be twisted or misconstrued) want is for our mom's to just say "I'm sorry. That really sucks." or "I'm sorry. I'll pray extra hard for you." Honestly, that is all we want from anyone. And our mom's have been great. They are praying for us and they do love us and I know being a nurse is just want comes first to them when dealing with medical crap but sometimes you just want your mom to be your mom.

And blogging about all of our issues is a double edged sword. As I said before, I blog for totally selfish reasons. I blog so I will have something to look back on to remember our journey to become parents. But I also do it for a million other reasons. But it comes with a cost.
On one hand, I feel like IF is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want to hide under a rock (well...sometimes I do) and pretend we are perfect and these issues don't affect us. Before we really started TTC, I was 100% clueless about how common IF/MC/Pregnancy Loss are. They are real issues. I hope that our story will someday serve as inspiration for another couple headed down the same path we are currently on. I also think it gives those who don't know anything about IF or didn't have any trouble TTC insight as to what it is like to be on the other side (not so that they feel guilty, but so that they appreciate how easy it was for them, I suppose). I love blogging. I have received great feedback and support that I couldn't find anywhere else from being so public with our story. I can't imagine ever quitting my blog.
But on the other hand, everything you say is out there, for anyone who wants to read it can do so. You leave yourself open to judgment, criticism and being the subject of gossip among those who only know you based on what they read on an Internet web page. You lose your privacy. Everyone knows our story now. People assume since you write about it on your blog, they have the right to ask you about it whenever they feel like it. Some days, I don't want to talk about it. Some days I don't want to be the girl dealing with IF or the couple that gets the "sad face" when we see people we haven't seen in a while who now know we are dealing with IF (some of you know the face I am talking about). Some days I just want to be Cate. I just want to be 25. I just want to be a Developmental Specialist who loves her job. I just want to be Ben's wife. I just want to be madly obsessed with our dogs. I just want to be anything but the poster child for IF in someones life.

But I can't stop now. It's already out there. Do I regret starting this blog? No, not for a minute. Do I wish I had filtered myself more at certain points? No, I wrote exactly what I was feeling at the moment. Do I wish I could have some sort of billboard that I wore around that says either "Yes, Ask me about IF!" or "I'm really bitter and sad today, so don't mention babies or pregnancy or TTC" depending on my mood? Yes, but it would definitely clash with most of my wardrobe so it's not an option. I just wish I could pick and choose who gets to read what, which is also not an option. It's all or nothing, so for right now, I am choosing the "all" option. Moving to a private blog has crossed my mind several times, but I know there are some who aren't "Followers" who read this who would get left behind in the move, I know my blog is found through Google often and has the potential to be a great source of information and insight for some and I don't feel as though I should have to move to a private place to be able to talk about our life. So public it remains until further notice.

Obviously this turned into a blog that is much longer than I initially intended it to be. If you made it this far, Congrats! You must have a lot of free time (can I have some?)! If you pray, please keep us in mind. This is such a test of faith for us and I feel myself slipping more often than I care to admit.

Hugs&Kisses

Our Kitchen

2009-05-03T12:26:00.004-04:00

Kelly over at Kelly's Korner is starting a room by room tour of houses on her blog so I thought "What they hey, let's join in." Every Friday (I'm late, as usual) she will assign a room of your house and you are supposed to give a photo tour of that room on your blog. Sounds fun, right?

This week: The Kitchen. Ours is smaller than I'd like, but it was the only thing I had to sacrifice when we decided to buy our house. All the other rooms are huge, our lot is great and the location is perferct for both of us.

This is pretty much it, haha! The fridge is over to the left and you can see the very corner of a dining room chair in the bottom right. Don't get lost, now!

This is our "dining room", if you can call it that, haha! It's small, but it serves its purpose. (Yes, there are always dog treats on the table. They have their very own cabinet they belong in but our dogs are treat whores so I just leave them out. It saves me a step.)

A "must have" appliance if you don't want to drop major bucks on the Keurig .

The favorite part of my kitchen? The Kitchen Aid (aka: The Jesus of mixers).

And that's it. Really.

Next week? The Living Room!

Hugs&Kisses

PS-I won my first blogging award! Thanks, Jessica! I'll post about it and pass the award on to three very deserving ladies sometime this week!

Exercises in Self Control

2009-05-02T10:00:00.003-04:00

After confiding in a (much younger) friend yesterday, and telling her this will be our last natural cycle TTC, I came thisclose to issuing my first IRL throat punch. Clearly getting pregnant is not working on our own, so we are definitely moving to Clomid next cycle (which was the issue of debate in our house for weeks). After I get done with my whole shpeil about how nervous I am about taking Clomid, the risks that come along with Clomid, etc, etc, she looks me dead in the eye and says:

"Why don't you just relax. I heard that's how people get pregnant."

For serious girl? We tried the "just relax" method for six months way back at the beginning of our TTC jouney and have taken several "just relax" cycles off in the mean time. It took everything I had not to scream at her

"MY BODY DOESN'T WORK LIKE IT IS SUPPOSED TO! RELAXING WON'T FORCE MY OVARIES TO PUMP OUT EGGS!"

but I didn't. I kept my cool. Because I'm cool like that.

So yea. That's what happened yesterday. Today, however, I started my period. Exciting, right? I'll just add one more tally mark to the "FAIL" side. Let's see....that's 21 FAILed cycles, 1 WIN that later turned into a FAIL cycle, and 0 WIN cycles.

At least I'm consistent.

Next cycle we (meaning I) will be on Metformin the entire cycle (which seems to be helping me O, but I am still not Oing strong enough according to my US's and RE), Clomid CD 5-9 (hold on to your ass! I have heard about the Clomid Crazies.) and Progesterone from O-the time I start my period or 13weeks3days pregnant-whichever comes first. When I go to the RE on (assuming) Monday for my CD3 US (my RE monitors your entire cycle while on Clomid bc of OHSS, thinned uterine lining, etc) we will also talk about injections to trigger ovulation (HCG injections). Then we will wait and see if a medicated cycle brings better results. Still with me? There is a chart right over there-----> on the right that may help you.

And now you're up to speed.

Birthday-Tminus2days
Graduation-Tminus6days

Hugs&Kisses

So close....Yet so awesome

2009-04-30T21:02:00.003-04:00

Next Friday I graduate from college.

For real.

Seven years of hard work will be behind me. I will walk away with my handful of degrees and certifications and never look back. I'm glad it's over. It's been stressful, expensive, emotionally draining and pointless (on most accounts).

To the shock of many, I am not attending Marshall University's graduation ceremony. I have no interest in sitting still for three hours, to be recognized for .32 seconds, then have to sit another two hours while people I have never heard of and will never see again prance across the stage, snatch their (fake) diploma (yes, they give you a fake diploma at graduation-you get the real one in the mail in June), and sit back down. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Parking is always a nightmare, it is always mass chaos downtown around the arena and there is no where to eat following the ceremony because everyone and their mother has to stampede to the (mediocre at best) MU Cafe for a celebratory lunch.

I'll pass.

Instead I will be attending the Marshall Community and Technical College's graduation ceremony. One hour, short, sweet and to the point. I still get my .32 seconds of recognition, but for the other 59 minutes, 54.68 seconds I will get to admire the amazingly beautiful Keith Albee Theater (website not available for some reason). Not only do I have a stronger bond with my friends in the community college program, I loved the program a thousand times more than I did either of the University programs I was in. The professors were better, the classes weren't a waste of my time and it was just an overall better experience for me personally.

But back to the Keith Albee. I wish you could see it in person. If you know me, you know I inherited a love of architecture (especially older buildings and houses) from my dad. This theater is the pinnacle of amazing buildings. They have done such an awesome job restoring this theater and keeping everything as close to original as they can. The ceiling is a huge dome, seriously, it is HUGE. The stage is bordered by gold sculptures. All the fixtures in the bathrooms are original-they even have the old school black and white checked tile in them. There is an organ that is played on occasion that is unreal. Even as I type I wish you could see it. Pictures mined from the Internet will have to do for now.

The blue that you see behind the theater stage stretches over the entire ceiling. It is unreal. When you stand in the center of the entire place, you feel like you are 1/2 inch tall.

So yea. I'm pumped to go back into the Albee. I know it will likely be the last time I am ever in there and I want to enjoy it (oh yea, and get my (fake) diploma). I would pee myself if they let me take some pictures while inside, but they have gotten pretty strict about it lately. Apparently some people took some pictures of the theater and then sold them, not giving any of the profits back to the theater and apparently that is a no-no. One bad apple ruins the whole bunch I suppose. The fact that I have a profession camera also doesn't help my case. Owell, I'll get them if I can.

W00T for being done with college!
Double W00T for graduating in such an awesome venue.

Hugs&Kisses

PS-Monday is my BIRTHDAY!

In case you didn't know...

2009-04-29T22:36:00.001-04:00

God is great and He always provides.

Hugs&Kisses

Yesterday

2009-04-25T08:35:00.002-04:00

I would have been 40 weeks pg (I am still trying to figure out why my due date was 5/7/09. Yet another reason we left my first OB, lol).

Anyway, long story short, I survived! No tears, not really overwhelmingly sad. Just filled with peace.

Miss California (Yes, the same one who is being burned at the stake right now for voicing her opinion when asked for it-yet another topic I could speak for hours on but won't in this entry) said on the Today Show last week following her loss at the Miss USA pageant "It was not in God's plan for me to win last night." It hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't in God's plan for me to have Buddha be just ours. So be it. As the hymn says "It is well with my soul".

Moving on. My test date in Monday. I doubt I'm pregnant this cycle. Ben had his SA the same day I O'ed, we didn't sex it up prior to my O date because of his SA, etc, etc. It would take a miracle, which I believe can happen. Time will tell. I'm not really counting on it though.

Hugs&Kisses!

Deep breaths

2009-04-20T21:06:00.002-04:00

I am taking a minute to be the bitter IF girl.

It's not fair that I have to take stupid, nasty progesterone supps just to get and stay pregnant. It's not fair that I had to drop a load of cash on IF medications today. It's not fair that this just "happens" for other people.

I'm pissed and I'm bitter tonight. I don't even care anymore.

Speechless

2009-04-16T19:21:00.003-04:00

I am very blessed. I know this.

I prayed for a great husband. God gave me that and then some.

I prayed that we would find the house meant for us. God gave us that and the means to afford it.

I prayed and prayed for my dream job to be offered to me. God gave me that and awesome coworkers.

I pray for health and well being for those in my family and around me. God gives me that daily.

I have always prayed for great friends. God has gone above and beyond in this area.

I have struggled to keep Buddha's memory alive. The ten weeks we spent with him were the best of my life (so far). He made both of us so happy and thankful and excited. We want others to remember that he is still very much a part of us and always will be, but I also know that it is hard to do so without harping on the loss and coming off as though I am in a constant state of grief and mourning.

Many, many have stepped up, especially as we get closer and closer to our original due date, who want to do something to help memorialize Buddha. My brother has offered to buy us a tree and plant it in our yard as a memorial. A good- no, a great Nestie friend (Hi, Armandos!) has offered to make a donation to the March of Dimes in Buddha's memory. Several local friends have offered to take me or both of us out on May 7 to keep our minds busy and our spirits light.

And today, I got an e-mail from a group of high school friends, some of who I have not spoken too in years. They made a very generous donation to KinderMourn. This Sunday KinderMourn is sponsoring a duck race at the US National Whitewater Center. The kind donation that they made will sponsor 12 of our own little duckies who will race down the rapids to the finish line. Our ducks are racing under "Team Baby Buddha" and we are so proud of each one of them. This is a charity that provides a safe haven for families whose lives have been shattered by the death of a child. They provide a comforting place for families to grieve over their loss and put the pieces back together after their world falls apart following the loss of their child.

There really is no way to let all these people know how much this truly means to us. There really isn't. Of course I always say Thank You and let them know how much their gesture means to us, but other than that, what can you do? I wish I could send a marching band, parade of elephants and an oversize cake with a scantily clad girl ready to pop out the top in it to each of their doors just so they know how much these things mean to us. But, that would get expensive quick and I don't think too many towns would be too thrilled if there were large piles of elephant crap spread about the town.

So. Chris, Armandos, Becca, Alicia, Alisa, Amber, Megan, Kim, Carol, Rachel, Carrie and all the others who are striving to keep Buddha's memory alive and well, we really do thank you. There is no way to for you to know how much this means to us unless you have been in our seat and have had the same kind of out pouring of love and support come from so many people. Unfortunately the only one way for you to understand how much this really means to us is for you go through the loss of your own child and I wouldn't wish that on my very worst enemy in the world.

I would write in this blog all day if it would help you realize how much it means to us both and how much it raises our spirit and our heart. We love you all and appreciate all the kind donations and gestures so many of you have made.

Love,
Cate and Ben

PS-This is probably a scattered entry and I will come back and read this later and question how I could write something so unorganized. It's hard to type a coherent entry when you are so emotionally charged (in a great way) and have tears (of joy) streaming down your face. My apologies for the insanity above.

We're getting there!

2009-04-14T11:28:00.006-04:00

Ok. Where to start? Last Friday sound good? Great.

Friday
We met with our new RE, who is amazing (Dr. Gantt if you are in the Charleston area). He looked at my charts (and was thrilled that I have been charting for as long as I have-Go Me!) After going over a quick TTC history chit chat asking/answering a bazillion questions, we talked about our "plan".

He definitely wanted to repeat Ben's SA. He had already had 2 done, one that was terrible, the other one that was okay, not great but better than the previous one had been. He also let us know that some lab techs don't really know what they are looking for when they do a SA which could be part of the reason our results were so skewed both times. So he gave us the paperwork to take down to their IUI/IVF lab where they have techs that are there only to process SA's and know exactly what they are looking for.

He also wants me on Progesterone supplements. Now, go back in time with me. Almost two months to the day ago (here), I called my prior OB and asked them to run a Progesterone screening because I felt like I had LPD. Long story short, they said "No way, Jose!" and I got a second opinion. We (the RE, his partner and Ben and I) talked about our miscarriage and LPD is why he believes I miscarried. Basically, my body didn't produce enough Progesterone to support the pregnancy. When I went in for my final blood draw the day before my D&C my beta's were in the 50,000's but my Progesterone was 2. We will never know 100% if that was the reason, but he and his partner seemed to be pretty sure that is what the issue was. This is an easy fix (Progesterone supplements) and had my original OB been monitoring my beta's and progesterone like my new OB does, it probably could have been fixed and I would be 39 weeks pregnant right now. Such as life through, right? (<-That subject is enough to send me into a fit of rage filled with profanity and tears, so I'll leave it for later.) They also pointed out on my chart where they are fairly certain I had a chemical pregnancy in November. I wasn't testing at the time, so I knew nothing about it. No need being upset about it now though. We are moving forward.

Saturday/Sunday/Monday
We sat around and waited for our next appt Tuesday.

Tuesday
We started off the day with my RE calling (did I mention he has a really thick New Orleans-esque accent. I have a crush on his voice, haha!). He told us to come right up to his office after we dropped the sample off and he would go over it with us himself (Awesome!). So Ben did his thing and we raced off to the hospital with the "specimen" tucked safely in my bra (only other IF girls will probably find the humor in that-only because they have been there and done it themselves, lol). We went straight up to the RE's office and went straight back and saw the Dr. Ben's test looked awesome. Count is high, morphology is great, motility is "better than great" and he has no concerns with Ben's swimmers.

On to me then, lol. He laid out several options, the main three being:
(1.) Keep trying on our own (which in his opinion is not working).
(2.) Finish this cycle on our own and start Clomid, CD 5-9, next month. Try the Clomid for three monitored cycles (meaning I go in for an US ~every 7 days or so to make sure my ovaries and uterine lining are reacting well to the Clomid) and see what happens.
(3.) IUI with fertility drugs (Clomid and a few others).

We chose Door #2. It's the least invasive and offers the best success rates for where we are right now.

So, YAY! I am honestly a mess of emotions right now. Since Friday I have felt so great. I can not remember a time when I felt this optimistic and hopeful regarding TTC. After a while it drains you completely and you almost don't even care any more. I feel like we are moving in the right direction and and getting answers and plans and positivity and support (things I feel, now looking back, we did not get at our original OB-but again, that is a different post for a different day).

But there is another part of me that can't believe we are moving onto fertility drugs. There are women out there who think Clomid is no big deal, you take it and you get pregnant. It's not that easy. It's a drug that, in a way, forces your body to do something it doesn't want to do. It comes with side effects. But, we want a baby. This is the route we have to take to get there. So Clomid it is. We are so lucky that we do not have MFI issues and really, we don't have major issues on my end. They are easily treated and have a high success rate of producing healthy, full term babies.

And here's the part where I drag out my soapbox, dust it off and step up (and is mainly aimed at those of you who know me IRL). Please keep the "TWINS!" comments, the "Are you pregnant?" questions and other nonsense to yourself. I really don't think you understand how that can go right through the heart when you say it to one of us. We are breaking our backs to have one healthy baby, so we don't need the added pressure. Keep the "Just relax.", "Don't stress." bull sh*t to yourself too. And for the one who said "I'm glad they figured out what is wrong with you." (you know who you are and I love you dearly), be warned that you almost got throat punched on that one. We are really trying to stay positive. Hearing you blab for 20 minutes about what is wrong with me, even though pretty much everything you said was untrue and proved that you hadn't listened to a thing I said/wrote, was excruciating on this end and required more self control than I am used to using in an effort not to choke the life out of you. There is nothing wrong, just some things that need fine tuned, that's all.

My very dear friend, Rachel, posted this article the other day and I feel that there are a handful of you who could benefit from reading it, even though I have posted similar entries here and here and here and several other places through out this blog. So, please think about what you say before you say it. Even joking comments stab at our hearts sometimes. We may joke about IF and our issues, but that is how we deal with it. And yes, I am saying "It's okay for us to do it, but it's not okay for you to." Contradicting yourself is one of the privileges that comes along with IF. I'm not mad at anyone or singling any one specific person out, there are several offenders running a muck right now, lol. Just think before you speak? Okay?

So, long story short:
-I still have PCOS
-I also have LPD
-We have no concerns regarding MFI or Ben
-We are moving to Clomid unless we get pg this cycle
-If we are unsuccessful with Clomid, we will move to IUI ~August
-I feel great
-Please think before you speak
-I love Rachel

And now you are up to speed on my baby factory, Ben's swimmers and our plan of action. What more could you ask for?

Hug&Kisses

Time Out.

2009-04-13T20:10:00.002-04:00

Seriously. I need 15 minutes to just sit.

Where's the damn pause button?

I promise I will update soon about our RE appt on Friday (good news, no worries) and all the other insanity going on around me right now at some point. We go to the RE again tomorrow so I may just wait until then so I can give the whole story.

Three weeks til graduation. I can do this. It's just three weeks.

Hug&Kisses

Happy Easter, Buddha

2009-04-12T11:31:00.003-04:00

We love you so much more than you will ever know. Enjoy this day, baby!

Love,

Mom and Dad

The wait is almost over!

2009-04-09T23:58:00.003-04:00

Today, 4/10, we meet with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist.

Holy.
Snot.

I'm nervous and excited all in the same breath. Here's to hoping for good reports and more answers that place us once step closer to bringing home a little one of our own.

Cross your fingers for us!

Hugs&Kisses

Zero Tolerance.

2009-04-09T20:11:00.003-04:00

This article is why I have ZERO tolerance for drunk driving. There will never be an excuse, IMO, to drive drunk. Ever. My blood is boiling over this.

"Gallo (the drunk driver) has a history of arrests for driving under the influence. While withholding specifics, Hamilton said his blood-alcohol reading was above the minimum. The officer also said Gallo was driving with a license suspended due to his DUI infractions." (pulled from this article)

The legal system makes is entirely too easy to buy your way out of a DUI charge these days and it is totally, 1oo% unacceptable. The drunk driver in this case had multiple DUI/drunk in public charges prior to this incident. WHY was he back out on the streets? This makes no sense to me at all.

You drive drunk, you lose your license for a substantial amount of time.. No second chances, no "I didn't know I was drunk" BS. You lose your license. Simple as that.

Innocent people dying because someone was too irresponsible to find alternate transportation is unacceptable.

/vent over.

Hugs&Kisses

This message brought to you by someone whose own brother has a DUI charge pending against him at the moment. The same rules should apply to him.

One month away...

2009-04-07T20:22:00.002-04:00

We are one month away from our original due date. I am dreading the day and all that it should have been and looking forward to it so we can be done with the "I would have been X weeks pregnant." "I would have been due in X months." parts of child loss. It's those parts that people seem to forget.

I've thought about you a lot this week, Buddha. I see babies daily now, both for school and for work, and I think of you every time I look at one of them. We love you so much, baby, and we know you are so much more happy on the other side than we ever could have made you here. This is how this is supposed to be, even though I hate it so much. Be a good boy. We plan on doing something fun on your birthday, so make sure you "check in" on us come May 7.

Love,
Momma

Hugs&Kisses

Let it be known throughout the land...Pt.2

2009-04-06T20:15:00.003-04:00

If it comes down to missing a day of school or my ovaries shutting down, I am going to choose my ovaries. Sorry. I'm attached to them.

In my personal opinion, it is totally ridiculous, asinine and unfair to make me feel like I have to choose between a day of school (that can be made up) and a really important Dr's appointment.

God knows you have missed class to attend an appointment.

I should have just walked with my Bachelor's and been done.

Four more weeks. Four more weeks. Four more weeks.

Hugs&Kisses

PS- I also think it is stupid that the girl (me) who has to drive an HOUR to get to school has to commute three days a week, but the girl who has to commute five minutes only has to show up two days a week. Methinks it would be easier to schedule Dr's appointments if I only had obligations to fulfill/work around two days a week instead of three. Makes sense, right? /end of passive aggressive ranting.

Pass the heating pad and the Tylenol.

2009-04-02T11:57:00.002-04:00

Oh, my ute.

I think it may have fallen out somewhere between my front door and the mailbox. Like a good, no, great husband, Ben has ran to Kroger and will return shortly with my monthly supplies. I love him for so many reasons, this is a major one.

::snuggles under the covers with a heating pad::

This.Sucks.

Hugs&Kisses

Let it be known throughout the land...

2009-04-01T21:21:00.002-04:00

HUSBANDS:

You NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, under ANY circumstances eat the last big, soft, delicious chocolate chip cookie on the same day your wife starts her period.

It's a no-no.

Should you choose to break this rule, don't roll your eyes and huff and puff when she starts crying or the water works will start all over again.

Enjoy your evening.

Hugs&Kisses

PS- It wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't really trying to ration my sugar/carb intake right now and had been saving carbs ALL DAY. I know I could have gotten away with eating it without saving the carbs since I'm not a diabetic, but I'm on a really good routine and schedule right now. I didn't want to ruin it. In hindsight, I should have ate it when he was sleeping this afternoon.

A Post of Funnies

2009-03-31T17:00:00.007-04:00

No matter how frustrating IF ever becomes, Ben and I will never reach this point, despite the hilarity of this newspaper clipping. (Click on the image if it is too small for you to read.)

There are a small percentage of you who will appreciate this video, esp those of you who are prior Knotties and have moved on to be Nesties. It's funny because it's so, so true.

Enjoy.

The date has been set...

2009-03-31T11:18:00.002-04:00

April 10 @ 9am we meet with our Reproductive Endocrinologist! I am oddly excited. I know this is a step in the right direction for us and puts us one step closer to our goal-getting pregnant and staying pregnant! I think that is a pretty fair goal to have. Here is an article about the RE I will be seeing- so far, everything I have read has been great!

And it couldn't come at a better time. My charts have looked like crap for the past two cycles, showing little temp shifts and lots of -OPK's. I'm ready for answers and progress.

As far as the Metformin goes, I'm still doing well on it. I've been ridiculously tired this week but I am not sure if that is my medicine or if it is some sort of bug. I've been told to take it easy when I can and sleep when I feel like I need it as my body is still adjusting to the Metformin.

Hugs&Kisses

Fun with Metformin

2009-03-30T10:00:00.002-04:00

Let it be known, one bite of a Snickers Ice Cream bar can be near fatal while taking Metformin.

One. Bite.

Other than that though, things have been peachy since I've been on it.

Good-bye, ice cream. You have been good for my soul. My hips...not so much (blame the PCOS, right?).

Have a great Monday!
Hugs&Kisses

Metformin-The First 24 Hours

2009-03-27T22:59:00.002-04:00

So my first 24 hours on Metformin has not been bad at all.

Give me a moment to thank God for small blessings.

I have heard horror stories and was almost scared to take it, but I have been on it for 24 hours now and am doing great. My Dr said not to be surprised if I started feeling more "normal" very quickly. Goodness knows how long my body wasn't processing insulin the way it is supposed to.

I have not been starving all day (I am a notorious grazer, snacking all day, never eating a meal), I have had no cravings, I feel like I have slept better than I have in years, I have more energy than I have in a long time. Honestly, it just feels good.

AND-I got on the WiiFit like I have been every night for the past 3 nights. I swore I would use it every day if I got it. I used it ONCE. The next time I got on it (Wednesday), the WiiFit guy told me it had been 140 days since I had been on it.

Ooopsie.

So from Wednesday to Thursday I lost no weight. Not a big shocker. It was just one day.

I get on tonight and am down 4.2 pounds.

Don't get ahead of me, I know weight fluctuates, but I am really trying to be consistent, weighing in every night at the same time, at least 3 hours after my last meal. But still, it felt good to get a compliment from the WiiFit guy who lives in my Balance Board.

I'll keep you posted on how the Metformin saga goes.

Hugs&Kisses

Super Quick Update

2009-03-26T22:54:00.002-04:00

We met with my new OB again today. She told me I had PCOS, which is what the nurse told me last week over the phone. For some reason, it hurt more coming from the Dr.

I cried a little.

She was, as she always is, SO, SO, SO nice. She reassured me 398743 times she will help get me pregnant. She also started me on Metformin to help with my PCOS and gave us a referral to a new Reproductive Endocrinologist (basically a fertility specialist).

Day 1 on the Metformin hasn't been bad. I am more nauseated and have noticed a definite loss of appetite, but overall not too bad.

So if you are looking for an OB in the Charleston area, Dr. Kessler is AMAZING. She really has taken my concerns to heart and is being so proactive and supportive. She takes her time and LISTENS to her patients. Had I stayed with my old OB (who is still a nice person) I would not have even started testing until October and who knows where we would be then.

Hugs&Kisses