Perspective is a funny thing...

I was confiding in a friend the other day about our TTC issues, our loss and IF and how we are handling it. Here were her main points:

-It took her three whole months to TTC her second baby, so she knows how hard TTC is! Like, totally! She was really starting to panic folks! She was thinking something was wrong with her! OMG! (She was insanely flippant about it which was amusing.)

-My Perspective: It takes couples, normal, healthy couples on average 6-12 months to get pregnant. There are those super freaks out there who get pregnant on the first try, but I am convinced many of them have sold their soul to the Devil in order to do so. Three months into our TTC journey, we weren't even close to breaking a sweat. The first "WTF?" moments weren't until about 6 cycles in. Even then we weren't too concerned. So three months to TTC? Ha! That is child's play.

-She totally knows how scary a miscarriage is because she had, like, ya know, spotting at 7 weeks and freaked! OMG. So yea, she totally understands how scary and hard it is.

-My Perspective: (Let me catch my breath from laughing so hard first.) Yea, spotting at 7 weeks is scary, I'll give you that. But the fear we felt when I started spotting and the sheer agony that we felt when we were told there was no longer a heartbeat? Not even on the same playing field. Seriously. To even think it is okay to compare the two makes me think you might be probably are mentally deranged. They are different kinds of fear and sadness.

-Women who deal with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD (postpartum depression) because it took them so long to conceive their child. They have no excuse to be sad.

-My Perspective: Hold the mother ****** phone. This was the point at which I ended the conversation, excused myself and walked away. As someone who has a history of depression in her family, I really didn't take this too lightly.
I have worked really hard to stay on top of how I feel and how I am doing emotionally since I was around 21. I know I am at higher risk for depression because of my family history, so when people throw around things like this or the "you need therapy" card, it really strikes a nerve with me. I keep a tight hold on where I am mentally and emotionally because I have seen first hand how debilitating depression can be and I never want that to be me.
PPD has nothing to do with whether you love your baby or not. The change in hormones, your entire lifestyle and daily routine and exhaustion can all lead to PPD. So saying that women who have dealt with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD is ludicrous. Throwing around the "you need therapy" card is right up there with it.
Part of the problem with PPD and depression is that "we" (the public) make it something to be ashamed of. PPD doesn't mean you don't love your baby. Depression doesn't mean you are fighting the urge to jump from a tall building every day to your death. It just means you are having a hard time and might need a little help. Since when is asking for help so wrong? Since when did asking for help become something we should be ashamed of?
The insane part? Most of the criticism comes from other women! Why are we always so pitted against each other? Instead of judging those having a hard time, why aren't we empathetic and compassionate towards them? Why is it that snarky, condescending comments come out first instead of supportive encouragement? It's mind boggling. We have enough against us as women just from society alone, so why are we killing each other just to give ourselves one second of self appointed glory? Does being so rude to others really make you feel that good? It doesn't work that way for me...perhaps it does for others though. I've got enough on plate as it is though, so I can only focus on me at the moment.

Maybe we all need some therapy...

::throws down the therapy card and scoots soapbox back under the table::


And in other news, one more dose of Clomid to go! The side effects have been minimal. Popping a few Tylenol when I get up and about every 4 hours afterwards seems to keep the headaches at bay, the mood swings are no more than they are when I'm not on Clomid (right, Honey?), and the night sweats have not returned since night one, although I am thinking the culprit of said night sweats was not the Clomid, but rather a pair of 70 pound Boxers named Marley and Boston. They are documented bed hogs (since that blog, Marley has decided that living inside is the only way to live, so now we share the bed with both boys instead of just Boss).





That's it for now, I have much more to enter, but I try to keep entries somewhat reasonable so they don't require an entire afternoon to read.


Hugs&Kisses

Coincidence? I Think Not...

While looking through the World in Pictures, I came across pictures of Buddha's birthday celebration(it's image number 259, if you are interested-and the pics are at the bottom of the page, scroll down and you will see them). When I read the date on it, I couldn't help but smile.

May 7, 2009.

Our original due date.

Buddha's birthday falls on a different day every year (I think it depends on the position of the moon) and this year it just happened to fall on May 7.

Hope you enjoyed your big party, babe!




Hugs&Kisses




PS-Hoda Kotb just finished a story on Dateline about some drama filled something, I wasn't paying attention. Apparently it ended with a couple naming their daughter Neveah. This was the closing line:

"They named their daughter Neveah, it's Heaven spelled backward."

Despite being home alone, I fell in the floor laughing. If you know me, you know how I feel about this name and everyone who uses this name. Every single person who uses it thinks it's the most original name ever and always tags on "It's heaven spelled backward." Cracks me up every time. I joke that the child's legal name should be "NeveahitsHeavenspelledbackward".

::giggles to self::

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I crack myself up.


PPS- Clomid headaches are brutal. Sweet baby Jesus, send relief soon!

Clomid: Day Two...

Breathe easy, everyone here still has their head, so there ::sticks out tongue to naysayers who told us Clomid would turn me into an evil, hormonal devil::.

Aside from a nightly headache and night sweats (sexy, right?) I have had no side effects. My ovaries feel like they are asleep, all numb and tingly, about 2 hours after I take it but by then I am already in bed and more than half asleep so I don't really care. No severe bloating, nausea, boob pain, angry outbursts, irrational thinking, hissy fits or crying explosions.

As for the Gatorade Challenge...it's tough! I made it through the first 48 ounces with no problem. The next two were a bit of a struggle. The seventh bottle was my breaking point. Keep in mind I am drinking all this Gatorade on top of my regular intake of water (which yesterday was 4 16 ounce bottles). I was so sick of drinking. My bladder was screaming at me at 10:30pm that it just couldn't handle another ounce. I drank 7 out of the 8 bottles set as my goal for daily intake, so for the first day, I really don't think that is all too bad. Do I think it is making a difference when it comes to side effects? Absolutely. I started a higher then usual dose of Clomid due to my PCOS (usual initial dose is 50mg, I started at 100mg) and felt no "shock" the day after like those I read about all across Google, my bloating has really been under control (despite drinking my weight in Gatorade) and the mood swings are nonexistent. I honestly think the extra electrolytes and vitamins are making a difference.

Add to that, when you are drinking that much, it totally zaps your appetite, which isn't good. If you remember, I am taking Metformin to help control my PCOS. Metformin is usually used to treat Type2 diabetics and help control their blood sugar but is also approved as a treatment option for PCOS if you do not want to take hormonal birth control. So taking a drug intended for diabetics even though you don't have diabetes can get interesting at times. If I don't eat with my dose it makes me really lightheaded which leads to headaches or it really upsets my stomach. Eating when you don't feel like it is miserable, so today my plan is to figure out how to space 8 12ounce bottles of Gatorade throughout the day so that it doesn't absolutely destroy my appetite. It's a work in progress.

****And this just in****

My injections just arrived. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! The needle....it's huge.

::faints::

::repeats to self:: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

It's just a needle, right? Just like the ones they take my blood with, right? I do fine with those, so this will be a breeze and will take a fraction of the time.

God, I hope this works. I am really working extra hard this cycle to turn everything over completely to God and let Him have control over this cycle. So far, it's working. He won't heap more onto me than I can handle. Clearly He thinks we can handle this as a couple, so onward we press. I have noticed my prayers being just a touch on the selfish side lately, so let's tack that on to the list of things I need to work on.

Hope everyone is doing well!


Hugs&Kisses

Well...Here Goes Nothing...

First pill, down the hatch. Technically, the first two down the hatch (50mg+50mg=100mg, mathematicians). Please GOD let this be it for us. This whole endeavor is getting expensive and we haven't even really hit the expensive stuff AND we have some of the best IF insurance coverage this country offers (BlueCross BlueShield, for those interested).




But really, who are we kidding? We all know money is no object when you are going after something you wholeheartedly want. We would just like to keep it on the cheaper end if at all possible.

One super fun side effect of Clomid is OHSS. From what I understand, it is very painful and something I want to avoid at all costs. Should I fall victim to OHSS, it would likely mean sitting (another) cycle out and more time wasted. I fully trust my (awesome) RE (whose praises I really can't sing enough) and know he his monitoring me while on Clomid to try to either prevent these things from happening or to treat them as soon as it is even possible to catch them.

S0, in a huge effort to prevent OHSS, they recommend drinking (get this) 100 ounces of a low sugar, electrolyte filled sports drink, basically leaving G2 (Gatorade) as my only option. Oh yea, and that 100 ounces is in addition to your regular daily water intake. This would be awesome if I liked Gatorade....but I don't. Sweeeeet. So I have 36 12 ounce bottles, each numbered with what day I'm on and what number bottle I am drinking so I can keep track of what I have drank(ex: Bottle 1.1 is Day 1, Bottle 1, Bottle 3.5 is Day 3, Bottle 5-ya following me? My OCD tends to kick in on odd things.). According to my (super fantastic) mom's calculations, I need to take in 8 bottles a day, plus water. Whatever it takes, right? I'll do whatever it takes and do so with a smile on my face.

If you see me float past your house in a river of my own urine, do a girl a favor and throw me a line, okay?

Be jealous of my abundant supply of (numbered) G2 that is overtaking my fridge. Mmmm...I see that cantaloupe already cut up on the top shelf....I see my late night snack.

And ^that^, is my darling Ben. I really can't put into words how much he means to me. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could love someone. I really can't commend him enough for being such a rock of support for me and all the different hormones and meds I have been on. I know I brag on him all the time, but I can't help it. Sorry. He has yet to miss an appt, always makes sure I have taken my meds, brings me whatever I need whenever I need it and loves me despite my hormone induced mood swings.

I took this picture last fall at the Pumpkin Patch right after we lost Buddha and it has remained my all time favorite picture. I can't even bring myself to touch up a few things I notice in Photoshop because I don't want to lose anything from the moment. The sunlight and shadows and everything are just so perfect. I love him, pure and simple. Just like this photo.


Hugs&Kisses


PS- Yes, I do have quite a hefty sum of money invested in photography equipment, yet still choose to use my Blackberry for some things. Don't ask why....I really don't know.

Um....Yikes.....

So....notice in the bottom right corner I have a link to Feedjit. It basically tells me who reads my blog, how often and where they are from or how they found my site. Pretty awesome, yes?

Most people I can pinpoint by location. For example, Indian Trail, NC is more than likely one of my dear high school friends. Hilliard, OH is likely my Aunt and/or Uncle. Most locations are a total mystery to me and I have no clue who I know there that might find me interesting enough to read about, though I am sure many are Nesties.

Some people find me when Googling the lyrics for this blogs namesake.

Others find me by searching key words like "infertility blog" or "rainbow".

So when I stumble across this:

Baltimore, Maryland arrived from google.com on "speak of the indescribable: Writers Blocks & Randomness..." by searching for "castrate my husband" testicle.

09:21:41 -- 1 hour 22 mins ago

it makes me wonder just what some people are really looking for. Sorry folks, you won't find instructions for that "activity" here.

But anyway, "Hello!" to Kaiserslautern, Rheinland-Pfalz (which I am assuming is in Germany), Erskine, South Australia, Macon, Georgia and all the other lovely (hopefully nonviolent, noncastrating) readers out there!



Hugs&Kisses

Writers Blocks & Randomness...

I can always think of a thousand things to blog about until I sit down to post. Sometimes there is good reason for that, other times...not so much.

Excuse One-I really make an effort not to post when I am angry about something or at someone. That is prime time for saying things you don't mean and might regret later. So I give things time to cool down and then I usually either (A) forget what I was mad about or (B) let sleeping dogs lie and leave the subject alone. After all, this is a public blog and God only knows who is reading it, so I can't put people on blast because...well...they might be reading. In addition, if I have an issue with someone, it is usually better to either (A) write about them cryptically and make every nervous wondering if it is them I am speaking of or (B) go directly to the source. I find issue with few people and generally don't care if someone else finds issue with me, so this is rarely an issue.

Excuse Two- I sit down to post when I am bored about 60% of the time and when I am bored, I can't think which, in turn leads to writers block. It happens more often than I care to admit.

Moving on....let's see if I can scrounge up enough useless crap for a worthwhile blog entry.

Random Item #1- I made kick ass cupcakes last week. Butter Pecan with craisins and butter cream frosting.

My darling mother got me a giant cupcake pan last year for Christmas and I was dying to try it out. I had heard horror stories about frosting the top of it, but it really wasn't hard at all, just time consuming. It's not perfect, but for a first try, I don't think I did too bad.

Random Item #2- Aygestin is the devil. I repeat. Aygestin is the devil. There is no doubt in my mind that Satan himself created this drug. While it did drastically reduce the cyst (God helped with that part), it was like being on an emotional roller coaster. Fine one minute, skipping through fields of butterflies, farting daisy's. The next, sobbing over the inability to find a matching pair of socks. It was insane. It makes some people meaner than snakes, others really depressed. It made me a sobbing mess (with a touch of mean). But, as the RE said, he (jokingly) puts people on it to test their marriage. B

Another charming part of Aygestin (TMI to follow), it makes your period brutal. BRUTAL. The bleeding is fairly normal, but the cramping. Holy.Shit. After my D&C, they gave me Pitocin to make my ute contract and expel anything that was left. I thought those cramps were bad. Haha...those were child's play. These cramps will knock the wind out of you, force you to your knees and beg to die. Ahhhh, isn't PCOS fun?

Random Item #3- My RE always tries to go the cheaper route as far as IF treatments because insurance companies don't seem to like IF patients and want to make their lives very expensive. Luckily, our insurance company is awesome and pays pretty much everything except IVF. So we are responsible for our copay ($35) and Rx's (Metformin is $4, Clomid is $9, Aygestin and Provera were $4 and my Progesterone supps were $20 for a 20 day supply) and that is about it. We had to pay $7 for Ben's SA (at an out of network Dr (our RE) and they were free at our "home hospital"), $26 for my US's at the RE's office (again, out of network, but they are free if they are done at our "home hospital") and that's it...Awesome, right?

Ah, but there is a downside. As I have said, we are trying an injectible hormone this cycle (HcG). There are two versions available: a subq version, Ovidrel, that goes right beside your belly button, under the skin (aka: the one I wanted) and an IM version, Pregnyl, that goes deeeep into your muscle with a long, sharp needle (aka: the one I didn't want). The Ovidrel is almost $100, I think Freedom quoted me $96.25. The Pregnyl, on the other hand, is about 1/2 that. So which version do they use....you guessed it, the Pregnyl. Ow. My poor thigh is hurting already. Cheap RE, always trying to save me money. ::giggle:: Thank GOD my MIL is going to do the shot for me. Yes, Ben does work in the medical field, but he would rather me be mad at my MIL than him if it hurts.

And for the record, I won't be mad at anyone. I can almost feel the phone lines to my MIL's house light up now with gossip. I'm not mad at anyone about this, I don't want this but it is what we have to do. I should get used to it. Assuming this cycle doesn't work, we will likely be on to Follistim (an injection that works somewhat like Clomid does) in addition to the HcG trigger. I think the Follistim is 5 injections, so I just need to suck it up, get over the whole needle phobia and pray like mad that this cycle works.

Random Item #4- Funny Story: I walked into our bedroom to empty the trash and found (are you ready?) a condom wrapper.
::gasp::
(Keep in mind, I was still on the crazy pill-I mean, Aygestin, when I found this.)
We don't use condoms. Hello! We are trying to have a baby!
I felt my hands go numb (looking back, this was likely a side effect of the devil pill), my face get hot and rage boil throughout my entire body. What.The.Hell. Who had been at my house, with my husband, in our bed?
Just as I turned to go and find my super sharp, Wolfgang Puck killer knives to castrate my husband with (BTW, these are awesome knives! Ben's Aunt Johnna got them for us as a wedding gift and I have loved them ever since), I see my bra hanging from the ceiling fan.
"Hmmmmmmmmm....." I think to myself. "How did that get there?"
Oh yea.....we weren't allowed to get pregnant on the Aygestin (it can lead to hermaphrodite babies or something crazy like that). WE had been using the condoms. Silly girl.
Ben escaped unharmed, with all his genitalia intact.
(PS-the next time we saw my RE he said "Good job not getting pregnant!" and we died laughing. Some people have a really hard time not getting pregnant, we know of a few and found this comment highly hilarious. He also told us we laugh more than any couple he sees. If IF can't be funny, then it has to be sad. Funny is easier for us as long as we are making the jokes.)

Random Item #5- You would think I would have learned not to joke about Ben's genitalia by now, seeing as last time I joked about it on the Internet, it sparked a mini-family Holy War. Ahhh, the good ole' days. Looking back, the drama that ensued was twice as hilarious as the actual comment made regarding my darling husband's testicles. A good time was had by all. I hold no ill feelings, after all, it's not very Christian-like to hold a grudge. I hope this joke doesn't lead to WWII...it won't likely because I think my mom and a few of my aunts are the only ones in our families who read this nonsense.

Random Item #6- I am going to meet my best online buddy, Rachel, in about 3.5 weeks and I am super thrilled. She "gets" me and what going through IF is like better than anyone I know IRL. We started TTC around the same time and are both starting/have started Clomid around the same time. She is irreplaceable to me as a friend and I can not wait to meet her. If only we could convince Brigid to come....It would be like a festival of IF girls.

For a post that was about writers block, this sure turned out long.


Happy Memorial Day to all our service men and women! You do a selfless job and don't get near the credit you deserve.
Happy Memorial Day to our Buddha! I have seen tons of rainbows lately! Keep sending them to me! They make our entire week!


Hugs&Kisses

Can I Just Say.....(2nd Edition)

I know you are probably thinking I am ill or something- I have actually posted three.days.in.a.row! Go me! I think I have posted just one other "Can I Just Say..." post

Anyway, this will be a quick one. The subject: American Idol

Can I just say that I am pretty stinkin' proud that Kris is the new American Idol. I think he is refreshing and is what this country needs. I just hope he doesn't sell out and stays true to his praise roots.



Hugs&Kisses

PS-Listen to this on your down days. It lifts me up and reminds me of all the promise God holds in the future for us all.