Monday, October 6, 2008

Buddha's Rainbow...

Last Wednesday I had class. I didn't want to go. I really didn't feel ready to go back to THAT class. We talk about fetal development and pregnancy a lot and I just But, I sucked it up and went. Because I had to.
So I get to class and Surprise! We are having a test. I know it is my responsibility to check the syllabus, which I had done while I was out for the week, but it had totally slipped my mind (losing our baby kinda took over everything). But I was already there so I didn't really have a choice, so I took it. Again, much to my surprise, we were allowed to leave after our test. If you have ever met Dr. Graham (who I really can't say enough nice things about right now-she let me take all the time I needed and really made coming back to school much easier for me) she doesn't ever end class early. Given the chance to leave early, I jetted and didn't look back.
I had to park farther away that day than usual, but I really didn't care. It was beautiful outside. One of the nicest days I have seen in a long time. The breeze was just right. The sun was bright, but not blinding. It was a perfect 65 degrees. Just really amazing weather. After I loaded up my books into my car I just stood there for a minute and soaked it all in. I took a few deep, deep breaths and looked at the sky. I talked to Buddha for a minute then got in my car and headed home. I called Ben to let him know I was coming home and he told me to be careful because it was dark and stormy at our house. Eh...I didn't care. I headed home.
As I speed down I-64 I don't even make it to the 29th Street exit before the dark clouds come in. An odd part of me loved them as much as I did the beautiful weather I had just enjoyed. I felt like I connected more with the dark clouds. They got me. And then the skies opened up. It poured rain. I slowed from 75 to 60 mph. Then, just as quickly as it started, it stopped. I desperately wanted the rain to come back. It just felt good to see the ugly clouds and rain. It felt right. It fit me. I needed the rain.
A very dear friend of mine sent me this poem the week before:
Oh Father, My Father

Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see though tears
the things we will never do
running across fields of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing alone...lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrows in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through his hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if its just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows
Evey rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you.

Love, your child

Every rainbow is a path home. I read that line over and over and over again when I received the poem. I prayed I would see a rainbow so I would know our Buddha had made it to his forever home. But I knew the chances of that were rare. I have seen less than 3 rainbows in my entire life and I am 24 years old. I bookmarked the poem on my laptop and moved on.
And then, there it was. The biggest, boldest brightest rainbow I have ever seen. It was unreal. It was right in front of me. I had to pull over.

I cried. Hard. I called Ben and made him promise not to take me to the loony bin when I got home. I snapped a million pictures with my cell phone, even though my professional camera was in the backseat. I just sat there and looked at it. I didn't want it to go away. I wanted to sit there forever with Buddha's rainbow. And in that moment, I got an inner peace I had been begging and asking and pleading God to send me. A tiny section of my heart that I thought was going to be cold and black forever melted. This was God telling me he had our Buddha and he was safe.
I still cry as I sit here and type this because that moment was so real for me. I would give my left arm (since I don't use it much anyway) to have just a second of that moment back.

The next day, the necklace with our due date and Buddha's birthstone Ben ordered for me the day after we lost our baby arrived. And again, a part of my heart that I thought would be cold forever melted away. I know it is just a necklace. A piece of metal attached to a chain. But to be it is so much more than that. It is the only connection I have to a child I never got to have. It sits close to my heart and is always with me, just like I wanted Buddha to be. He may not realize it, but this necklace means more than the world to me.

And yes, I am aware they spelled Buddha wrong, but I am far too sentimental to send it back.

I'm 24 years old. I've seen 4 rainbows and God in real life.


Anonymous said...

Reassurance from your Father that He hasn't let you go, will never let you go.


Anonymous said...

Catie, I'm just now catching upon your blog and I have to tell you that I just sat here bawling my eyes out reading this post. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. We found out today that my sister-in-law lost her baby...she was 11 weeks along, but the baby died at 8 weeks. The rainbow that you saw was certainly a way for Him to let you know that he has your Buddha. I know, too, that he has my precious niece or nephew also.