Sunday, May 31, 2009

Perspective is a funny thing...

I was confiding in a friend the other day about our TTC issues, our loss and IF and how we are handling it. Here were her main points:

-It took her three whole months to TTC her second baby, so she knows how hard TTC is! Like, totally! She was really starting to panic folks! She was thinking something was wrong with her! OMG! (She was insanely flippant about it which was amusing.)

-My Perspective: It takes couples, normal, healthy couples on average 6-12 months to get pregnant. There are those super freaks out there who get pregnant on the first try, but I am convinced many of them have sold their soul to the Devil in order to do so. Three months into our TTC journey, we weren't even close to breaking a sweat. The first "WTF?" moments weren't until about 6 cycles in. Even then we weren't too concerned. So three months to TTC? Ha! That is child's play.

-She totally knows how scary a miscarriage is because she had, like, ya know, spotting at 7 weeks and freaked! OMG. So yea, she totally understands how scary and hard it is.

-My Perspective: (Let me catch my breath from laughing so hard first.) Yea, spotting at 7 weeks is scary, I'll give you that. But the fear we felt when I started spotting and the sheer agony that we felt when we were told there was no longer a heartbeat? Not even on the same playing field. Seriously. To even think it is okay to compare the two makes me think you might be probably are mentally deranged. They are different kinds of fear and sadness.

-Women who deal with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD (postpartum depression) because it took them so long to conceive their child. They have no excuse to be sad.

-My Perspective: Hold the mother ****** phone. This was the point at which I ended the conversation, excused myself and walked away. As someone who has a history of depression in her family, I really didn't take this too lightly.
I have worked really hard to stay on top of how I feel and how I am doing emotionally since I was around 21. I know I am at higher risk for depression because of my family history, so when people throw around things like this or the "you need therapy" card, it really strikes a nerve with me. I keep a tight hold on where I am mentally and emotionally because I have seen first hand how debilitating depression can be and I never want that to be me.
PPD has nothing to do with whether you love your baby or not. The change in hormones, your entire lifestyle and daily routine and exhaustion can all lead to PPD. So saying that women who have dealt with IF have no reason to suffer from PPD is ludicrous. Throwing around the "you need therapy" card is right up there with it.
Part of the problem with PPD and depression is that "we" (the public) make it something to be ashamed of. PPD doesn't mean you don't love your baby. Depression doesn't mean you are fighting the urge to jump from a tall building every day to your death. It just means you are having a hard time and might need a little help. Since when is asking for help so wrong? Since when did asking for help become something we should be ashamed of?
The insane part? Most of the criticism comes from other women! Why are we always so pitted against each other? Instead of judging those having a hard time, why aren't we empathetic and compassionate towards them? Why is it that snarky, condescending comments come out first instead of supportive encouragement? It's mind boggling. We have enough against us as women just from society alone, so why are we killing each other just to give ourselves one second of self appointed glory? Does being so rude to others really make you feel that good? It doesn't work that way for me...perhaps it does for others though. I've got enough on plate as it is though, so I can only focus on me at the moment.

Maybe we all need some therapy...

::throws down the therapy card and scoots soapbox back under the table::

And in other news, one more dose of Clomid to go! The side effects have been minimal. Popping a few Tylenol when I get up and about every 4 hours afterwards seems to keep the headaches at bay, the mood swings are no more than they are when I'm not on Clomid (right, Honey?), and the night sweats have not returned since night one, although I am thinking the culprit of said night sweats was not the Clomid, but rather a pair of 70 pound Boxers named Marley and Boston. They are documented bed hogs (since that blog, Marley has decided that living inside is the only way to live, so now we share the bed with both boys instead of just Boss).

That's it for now, I have much more to enter, but I try to keep entries somewhat reasonable so they don't require an entire afternoon to read.


Friday, May 29, 2009

Coincidence? I Think Not...

While looking through the World in Pictures, I came across pictures of Buddha's birthday celebration(it's image number 259, if you are interested-and the pics are at the bottom of the page, scroll down and you will see them). When I read the date on it, I couldn't help but smile.

May 7, 2009.

Our original due date.

Buddha's birthday falls on a different day every year (I think it depends on the position of the moon) and this year it just happened to fall on May 7.

Hope you enjoyed your big party, babe!


PS-Hoda Kotb just finished a story on Dateline about some drama filled something, I wasn't paying attention. Apparently it ended with a couple naming their daughter Neveah. This was the closing line:

"They named their daughter Neveah, it's Heaven spelled backward."

Despite being home alone, I fell in the floor laughing. If you know me, you know how I feel about this name and everyone who uses this name. Every single person who uses it thinks it's the most original name ever and always tags on "It's heaven spelled backward." Cracks me up every time. I joke that the child's legal name should be "NeveahitsHeavenspelledbackward".

::giggles to self::

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, I crack myself up.

PPS- Clomid headaches are brutal. Sweet baby Jesus, send relief soon!

Clomid: Day Two...

Breathe easy, everyone here still has their head, so there ::sticks out tongue to naysayers who told us Clomid would turn me into an evil, hormonal devil::.

Aside from a nightly headache and night sweats (sexy, right?) I have had no side effects. My ovaries feel like they are asleep, all numb and tingly, about 2 hours after I take it but by then I am already in bed and more than half asleep so I don't really care. No severe bloating, nausea, boob pain, angry outbursts, irrational thinking, hissy fits or crying explosions.

As for the Gatorade's tough! I made it through the first 48 ounces with no problem. The next two were a bit of a struggle. The seventh bottle was my breaking point. Keep in mind I am drinking all this Gatorade on top of my regular intake of water (which yesterday was 4 16 ounce bottles). I was so sick of drinking. My bladder was screaming at me at 10:30pm that it just couldn't handle another ounce. I drank 7 out of the 8 bottles set as my goal for daily intake, so for the first day, I really don't think that is all too bad. Do I think it is making a difference when it comes to side effects? Absolutely. I started a higher then usual dose of Clomid due to my PCOS (usual initial dose is 50mg, I started at 100mg) and felt no "shock" the day after like those I read about all across Google, my bloating has really been under control (despite drinking my weight in Gatorade) and the mood swings are nonexistent. I honestly think the extra electrolytes and vitamins are making a difference.

Add to that, when you are drinking that much, it totally zaps your appetite, which isn't good. If you remember, I am taking Metformin to help control my PCOS. Metformin is usually used to treat Type2 diabetics and help control their blood sugar but is also approved as a treatment option for PCOS if you do not want to take hormonal birth control. So taking a drug intended for diabetics even though you don't have diabetes can get interesting at times. If I don't eat with my dose it makes me really lightheaded which leads to headaches or it really upsets my stomach. Eating when you don't feel like it is miserable, so today my plan is to figure out how to space 8 12ounce bottles of Gatorade throughout the day so that it doesn't absolutely destroy my appetite. It's a work in progress.

****And this just in****

My injections just arrived. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! The's huge.


::repeats to self:: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.

It's just a needle, right? Just like the ones they take my blood with, right? I do fine with those, so this will be a breeze and will take a fraction of the time.

God, I hope this works. I am really working extra hard this cycle to turn everything over completely to God and let Him have control over this cycle. So far, it's working. He won't heap more onto me than I can handle. Clearly He thinks we can handle this as a couple, so onward we press. I have noticed my prayers being just a touch on the selfish side lately, so let's tack that on to the list of things I need to work on.

Hope everyone is doing well!


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Well...Here Goes Nothing...

First pill, down the hatch. Technically, the first two down the hatch (50mg+50mg=100mg, mathematicians). Please GOD let this be it for us. This whole endeavor is getting expensive and we haven't even really hit the expensive stuff AND we have some of the best IF insurance coverage this country offers (BlueCross BlueShield, for those interested).

But really, who are we kidding? We all know money is no object when you are going after something you wholeheartedly want. We would just like to keep it on the cheaper end if at all possible.

One super fun side effect of Clomid is OHSS. From what I understand, it is very painful and something I want to avoid at all costs. Should I fall victim to OHSS, it would likely mean sitting (another) cycle out and more time wasted. I fully trust my (awesome) RE (whose praises I really can't sing enough) and know he his monitoring me while on Clomid to try to either prevent these things from happening or to treat them as soon as it is even possible to catch them.

S0, in a huge effort to prevent OHSS, they recommend drinking (get this) 100 ounces of a low sugar, electrolyte filled sports drink, basically leaving G2 (Gatorade) as my only option. Oh yea, and that 100 ounces is in addition to your regular daily water intake. This would be awesome if I liked Gatorade....but I don't. Sweeeeet. So I have 36 12 ounce bottles, each numbered with what day I'm on and what number bottle I am drinking so I can keep track of what I have drank(ex: Bottle 1.1 is Day 1, Bottle 1, Bottle 3.5 is Day 3, Bottle 5-ya following me? My OCD tends to kick in on odd things.). According to my (super fantastic) mom's calculations, I need to take in 8 bottles a day, plus water. Whatever it takes, right? I'll do whatever it takes and do so with a smile on my face.

If you see me float past your house in a river of my own urine, do a girl a favor and throw me a line, okay?

Be jealous of my abundant supply of (numbered) G2 that is overtaking my fridge. Mmmm...I see that cantaloupe already cut up on the top shelf....I see my late night snack.

And ^that^, is my darling Ben. I really can't put into words how much he means to me. I love him so much more than I ever thought I could love someone. I really can't commend him enough for being such a rock of support for me and all the different hormones and meds I have been on. I know I brag on him all the time, but I can't help it. Sorry. He has yet to miss an appt, always makes sure I have taken my meds, brings me whatever I need whenever I need it and loves me despite my hormone induced mood swings.

I took this picture last fall at the Pumpkin Patch right after we lost Buddha and it has remained my all time favorite picture. I can't even bring myself to touch up a few things I notice in Photoshop because I don't want to lose anything from the moment. The sunlight and shadows and everything are just so perfect. I love him, pure and simple. Just like this photo.


PS- Yes, I do have quite a hefty sum of money invested in photography equipment, yet still choose to use my Blackberry for some things. Don't ask why....I really don't know.


So....notice in the bottom right corner I have a link to Feedjit. It basically tells me who reads my blog, how often and where they are from or how they found my site. Pretty awesome, yes?

Most people I can pinpoint by location. For example, Indian Trail, NC is more than likely one of my dear high school friends. Hilliard, OH is likely my Aunt and/or Uncle. Most locations are a total mystery to me and I have no clue who I know there that might find me interesting enough to read about, though I am sure many are Nesties.

Some people find me when Googling the lyrics for this blogs namesake.

Others find me by searching key words like "infertility blog" or "rainbow".

So when I stumble across this:

09:21:41 -- 1 hour 22 mins ago

it makes me wonder just what some people are really looking for. Sorry folks, you won't find instructions for that "activity" here.

But anyway, "Hello!" to
Kaiserslautern, Rheinland-Pfalz (which I am assuming is in Germany), Erskine, South Australia, Macon, Georgia and all the other lovely (hopefully nonviolent, noncastrating) readers out there!


Monday, May 25, 2009

Writers Blocks & Randomness...

I can always think of a thousand things to blog about until I sit down to post. Sometimes there is good reason for that, other times...not so much.

Excuse One-I really make an effort not to post when I am angry about something or at someone. That is prime time for saying things you don't mean and might regret later. So I give things time to cool down and then I usually either (A) forget what I was mad about or (B) let sleeping dogs lie and leave the subject alone. After all, this is a public blog and God only knows who is reading it, so I can't put people on blast because...well...they might be reading. In addition, if I have an issue with someone, it is usually better to either (A) write about them cryptically and make every nervous wondering if it is them I am speaking of or (B) go directly to the source. I find issue with few people and generally don't care if someone else finds issue with me, so this is rarely an issue.

Excuse Two- I sit down to post when I am bored about 60% of the time and when I am bored, I can't think which, in turn leads to writers block. It happens more often than I care to admit.

Moving on....let's see if I can scrounge up enough useless crap for a worthwhile blog entry.

Random Item #1- I made kick ass cupcakes last week. Butter Pecan with craisins and butter cream frosting.

My darling mother got me a giant cupcake pan last year for Christmas and I was dying to try it out. I had heard horror stories about frosting the top of it, but it really wasn't hard at all, just time consuming. It's not perfect, but for a first try, I don't think I did too bad.

Random Item #2- Aygestin is the devil. I repeat. Aygestin is the devil. There is no doubt in my mind that Satan himself created this drug. While it did drastically reduce the cyst (God helped with that part), it was like being on an emotional roller coaster. Fine one minute, skipping through fields of butterflies, farting daisy's. The next, sobbing over the inability to find a matching pair of socks. It was insane. It makes some people meaner than snakes, others really depressed. It made me a sobbing mess (with a touch of mean). But, as the RE said, he (jokingly) puts people on it to test their marriage. B

Another charming part of Aygestin (TMI to follow), it makes your period brutal. BRUTAL. The bleeding is fairly normal, but the cramping. Holy.Shit. After my D&C, they gave me Pitocin to make my ute contract and expel anything that was left. I thought those cramps were bad. Haha...those were child's play. These cramps will knock the wind out of you, force you to your knees and beg to die. Ahhhh, isn't PCOS fun?

Random Item #3- My RE always tries to go the cheaper route as far as IF treatments because insurance companies don't seem to like IF patients and want to make their lives very expensive. Luckily, our insurance company is awesome and pays pretty much everything except IVF. So we are responsible for our copay ($35) and Rx's (Metformin is $4, Clomid is $9, Aygestin and Provera were $4 and my Progesterone supps were $20 for a 20 day supply) and that is about it. We had to pay $7 for Ben's SA (at an out of network Dr (our RE) and they were free at our "home hospital"), $26 for my US's at the RE's office (again, out of network, but they are free if they are done at our "home hospital") and that's it...Awesome, right?

Ah, but there is a downside. As I have said, we are trying an injectible hormone this cycle (HcG). There are two versions available: a subq version, Ovidrel, that goes right beside your belly button, under the skin (aka: the one I wanted) and an IM version, Pregnyl, that goes deeeep into your muscle with a long, sharp needle (aka: the one I didn't want). The Ovidrel is almost $100, I think Freedom quoted me $96.25. The Pregnyl, on the other hand, is about 1/2 that. So which version do they guessed it, the Pregnyl. Ow. My poor thigh is hurting already. Cheap RE, always trying to save me money. ::giggle:: Thank GOD my MIL is going to do the shot for me. Yes, Ben does work in the medical field, but he would rather me be mad at my MIL than him if it hurts.

And for the record, I won't be mad at anyone. I can almost feel the phone lines to my MIL's house light up now with gossip. I'm not mad at anyone about this, I don't want this but it is what we have to do. I should get used to it. Assuming this cycle doesn't work, we will likely be on to Follistim (an injection that works somewhat like Clomid does) in addition to the HcG trigger. I think the Follistim is 5 injections, so I just need to suck it up, get over the whole needle phobia and pray like mad that this cycle works.

Random Item #4- Funny Story: I walked into our bedroom to empty the trash and found (are you ready?) a condom wrapper.
(Keep in mind, I was still on the crazy pill-I mean, Aygestin, when I found this.)
We don't use condoms. Hello! We are trying to have a baby!
I felt my hands go numb (looking back, this was likely a side effect of the devil pill), my face get hot and rage boil throughout my entire body. What.The.Hell. Who had been at my house, with my husband, in our bed?
Just as I turned to go and find my super sharp, Wolfgang Puck killer knives to castrate my husband with (BTW, these are awesome knives! Ben's Aunt Johnna got them for us as a wedding gift and I have loved them ever since), I see my bra hanging from the ceiling fan.
"Hmmmmmmmmm....." I think to myself. "How did that get there?"
Oh yea.....we weren't allowed to get pregnant on the Aygestin (it can lead to hermaphrodite babies or something crazy like that). WE had been using the condoms. Silly girl.
Ben escaped unharmed, with all his genitalia intact.
(PS-the next time we saw my RE he said "Good job not getting pregnant!" and we died laughing. Some people have a really hard time not getting pregnant, we know of a few and found this comment highly hilarious. He also told us we laugh more than any couple he sees. If IF can't be funny, then it has to be sad. Funny is easier for us as long as we are making the jokes.)

Random Item #5- You would think I would have learned not to joke about Ben's genitalia by now, seeing as last time I joked about it on the Internet, it sparked a mini-family Holy War. Ahhh, the good ole' days. Looking back, the drama that ensued was twice as hilarious as the actual comment made regarding my darling husband's testicles. A good time was had by all. I hold no ill feelings, after all, it's not very Christian-like to hold a grudge. I hope this joke doesn't lead to won't likely because I think my mom and a few of my aunts are the only ones in our families who read this nonsense.

Random Item #6- I am going to meet my best online buddy, Rachel, in about 3.5 weeks and I am super thrilled. She "gets" me and what going through IF is like better than anyone I know IRL. We started TTC around the same time and are both starting/have started Clomid around the same time. She is irreplaceable to me as a friend and I can not wait to meet her. If only we could convince Brigid to come....It would be like a festival of IF girls.

For a post that was about writers block, this sure turned out long.

Happy Memorial Day to all our service men and women! You do a selfless job and don't get near the credit you deserve.
Happy Memorial Day to our Buddha! I have seen tons of rainbows lately! Keep sending them to me! They make our entire week!


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Can I Just Say.....(2nd Edition)

I know you are probably thinking I am ill or something- I have actually posted! Go me! I think I have posted just one other "Can I Just Say..." post

Anyway, this will be a quick one. The subject: American Idol

Can I just say that I am pretty stinkin' proud that Kris is the new American Idol. I think he is refreshing and is what this country needs. I just hope he doesn't sell out and stays true to his praise roots.


PS-Listen to this on your down days. It lifts me up and reminds me of all the promise God holds in the future for us all.

Friday, May 22, 2009

This just in...

Actually this news is about 12 hours old but I am just now getting a chance to post.

I know you were all on the edge of your seat all day just waiting for me to update.

Overall, the appt was GREAT. I still have some smaller cysts on both sides, but comes along with the PCOS territory. I also have a few potential eggies on both sides, but they are pretty small (which is why I'll be starting Clomid in hopefully about a week or so). I get to quit taking the Provera (YAY!) and now we wait for AF to arrive. Then I'll call and schedule a few US's for monitoring, start my Clomid on CD5, trigger (following another US) with the HcG injection and then enter the dreaded 2ww. We will not be doing IUI this cycle unless my CM shows "unfavorable conditions".

My RE (who I have raved about before and will continue to do so) is hilarious. He asked how I was doing since coming off the Aygestin. I jokingly said "Well, I'm a lot nicer." He laughed and said "Yea, that Aygestin is an evil drug. I throw people on it just to make sure their marriage is ready for a baby. If they can make it through a week on it, they can make it through anything." Honestly, so true. It is an evil drug, but it works and it got the job done (and Ben survived unharmed!).

So that is where we are. Right now we are just waiting for AF to arrive so we can get this train moving. I have been spotting since Wednesday or Thursday, so now that I have completely stopped taking the Provera, AF will be right around the corner.

And there you have it. A complete update on the status of my ute. You're welcome!


ETA: I need to take a minute and just commend Ben, my other half. He worked last night (as he usually does before my appt's) and was exhausted when he got home. He knows he does not have to go to all my appointments but has never missed a single one. He really struggled this morning to stay awake during the almost 2 hours we spent at the RE's office but remains my best source of support. He knows how physically, mentally and emotionally draining all these medications, ultrasounds and procedures are on me and knows how much I am dreading these upcoming shots, but has never strayed an inch from my side. He is really trying to understand what it is like for me, even though it is impossible (you know, because he doesn't have a vag or female reproductive system, haha). He is amazing and I couldn't have picked a better person to go through all of this with me. If you read this, Ben, I love you to the moon and back and to the moon again.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Not Cool, Potentially Cool and Very Cool.

Not Cool:
My younger (irresponsible and broke among other things) and his gf are pregnant and I'm having a hard time with it, I'm sure most of you remember the whole blow out. (Click Here for the whole story.)
Well, we basically don't talk anymore. His choice. I call and text...wait. Make that I used to call and text, but after so many no replies, I just gave up.

Long story short, he was moping the floor when I called him one day and I asked him why he was doing it and not his gf (he works 2 jobs, she sits around and complains). He said she can't be around ANY chemicals whatsoever.
I told him she was full of it. (kinda....I may have said it a different way, but that was the gist of it)
While it's not a good idea for her to drink drink bleach while she's pg, she can certainly mop a floor.

Then he says:

(Wait for it. It's a gem!)

"Maybe moping floors is why your baby died."


That was the last time we spoke. I feel justified in my lack of phone calls his direction. Everyone says "Oh, but he doesn't have a filter, words just fly out of his mouth!"

Hey, how 'bout this: He's 22 and about to be a father. GET AN EFFING FILTER.

Oh yea-and they are having a boy. Just like Buddha.

::flips hair::

Budhha is way cooler than their kid can ever dream of being. AND he was conceived out of love and was much wanted by many people. He was nothing to be ashamed of.

So am I being juvenile and immature? Sure. Do I have a right to be juvenile and immature? You bet your ass I do, those rights come along with your membership to the IF Club. This club doesn't have many privileges, but being juvenile and immature are some of the best.

She (the ex-gf) really wanted a girl, so when I heard it is a boy, I giggled deep down.

((If you have anything nasty to say in regards to ^^, then just don't leave a comment. I thought about locking comments down for this post but am choosing not to. It's pretty simple, if you don't like what I write, don't read it! Easy peasy.))

Moving on.

Potentially Cool:
Tomorrow we go for our follow up ultrasound. I have been doing really well on the Provera, so I hope beyond all hope that the main cyst in question is gone. ((TMI AHEAD)) I had a really hard cramp on my right side, kinda like the ones I have had before when a smaller cyst ruptured but a little harder, then had some spotting and firm globs of what looked like CM pass through, so I think whatever was left of that cyst ruptured. At least, tha
t is what I am hoping happened.

Please keep us (my right ovary, mainly) in your thoughts. I need this cyst to be GONE so I can finish up the Provera by Monday, start my period and move on.

Ask anyone who knows me, I hate needles. HATE THEM. But now, the injection part doesn't even phase me at this point. I trust Ben to do them, he works in the medical field, so I know he knows what he is doing. I am okay with doing whatever it takes to get to our end goal-a baby. I don't even mind all the IF stuff really, as long as we are moving forward
and with answers, I can deal with it. I am under the care of the best of the best in this field and am comfortable with all his suggestions and treatment options.

Like I told Ben yesterday, this is just IF. Some people have it way worse. We haven't had multiple failed IUI's or IVF's. We haven't received a terminal diagnosis for either one of us. We are good. We are just in some choppy water. Once we get through this, it will be smooth sailing (knock on wood and say a prayer).

Very Cool:
I received my first blog awards in the past month! YAY!

I am going to make a whole post just for these awards so I can keep track of who I am forwarding the on to. But THANKS to those who found my blog award worthy!

That's All. Pray for the bum ovary. I'll pray for yours.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

I took these this past weekend when I went to visit my parents in Pocahontas County, WV. Don't be a douche and steal these, I haven't watermarked them yet :)


PS- Click on the images to view the whole picture. I couldn't downsize them enough without making them look screwy.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Just The Tip Of The Iceburg....

All of these


the lovely progesterone supps that live in the refrigerator,(^those aren't really them. you don't want to see what they really look me)


(which I haven't received yet)

my trusty thermometer (note the Fertility Friend chart pulled up in the background in the first picture-coincidental, I swear),

digital OPK's (and Internet cheapies),

Several (read: hundreds-at least it feels that way) of dates with the lovely dildo cam,

and the small lump of cash to pay our office copay's and Rx copay's

(Oh yea....and all the sex. But that would be wildly inappropriate to post pictures of here.)

are all of the things it is going to take for us to get (and stay) pregnant.

It's okay. You can admit it. You are so jealous of me right now. I know if I were you, I would be jealous.

ETA: The first pic and the OPK pic are mine. The others aren't. Not that it matters. Oh wait....the picture of all the money-it's mine too. Right.


Friday, May 15, 2009

Good Appt! (finally)

You ready for a great new post from yours truly?

He (my awesome RE) was concerned with the side effects I was having, they weren't life threatening, but he said "Pregnancy is going to be uncomfortable enough on you. Let's not make the process uncomfortable." I love him.

So. The cyst on my right side went from 44mm (almost 2 inches around) to 13mm (about 1/2 inch, maybe less)! W00T! My left side is entirely clear of cysts! AWESOME!

They switched me to Provera because the side effects seem to be less harsh. I'll be on that for a week, go back next Friday to make sure everything is gone (which he seems to think it will be).

THEN we (meaning me) will start 100mg of Clomid (up from 50mg) with US's every 3 days to make sure everything is on track(skipping weekends until we get close to O time), triggering with HcG, deciding if this will be an IUI cycle or one where we do it (as close to) the old fashioned way (as we can get), then starting progesterone and then playing the waiting game.

I feel 100000% better today :) Thanks for all the good thoughts, prayers and hugs. I love you all so much!

AND I am going to start trying to document this whole process better. It's becoming a huge part of our lives, so we started today. I am going to (try to) take pictures when we go for appointments, when Ben (or his mom-depending on whether it is an intramuscular injection or not) stab me with needles or when anything big happens.

Our Second Home
(not the Breast Center, lol, though Ben would love that!)

I still have another post waiting, but it's not ready yet. It should be filled with Blogger awards and good news! Stay tuned!


Thursday, May 14, 2009

I'm Not Surprised...

So, as I said I am taking Aygestin to try to help resolve some ovarian cysts I am dealing with right now.

And now for the part that doesn't surprise me.

I am having "undesirable and potentially serious" side effects from the Aygestin. AWESOME.

Since starting it, I have had killer head aches, ovarian cramps on both sides, numbness in my hands and fingers, swelling in my hands, severe mood swings, slight depression (don't worry, I'm more weepy and sad than suicidal-READ: I am NOT suicidal. Just weepy and sad. Clear?) I am retaining water like no ones business. All things that they DON'T want to see happen while taking this med.

So back to the RE we go tomorrow to see what the deal is. Honestly, if the medicine is working and the side effects are nothing serious, I will just suck it up and deal with them. If it's not working, then my only other option is probably surgery.

If you don't mind, please say a prayer for us. This whole situation has moved from stressful (because we want a baby and can't have one) to emotional overwhelming. It's not even stressful to me anymore, it's more about making it from one day to the next with out an emotional breakdown.

Also, please pray for the Freeman's. Their brave little girl, Kayleigh, passed away Monday. What they are dealing with totally eclipses what we are going through. My heart breaks for them. They gave up (literally) everything in the hopes that she would come home and that didn't work out. Life is so unfair sometimes.


PS- I will post a new (much more positive) post sometime this weekend. There are several "praises" going on in our lives right now, so don't think we are living a gloom and doom lifestyle. Even in the midst of this emotional roller coaster, we have so much to be thankful for.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Happy Due Date, Buddha!

Today was a great day! I thought about you a lot, but never really hit a sad bump. I think part of it is because I saw God's plan come full circle today. (Post regarding that coming this weekend)

We love you so much more than you could ever know. We miss you but know, 100% this is the way things were supposed to play out. Your dad and I had a 90's dance party in the car from Huntington to Charleston tonight in you honor. It was such a blast! We were both laughing so hard, Buddha. I know you saw us and hope you joined in on the insanity.

Be a good boy and enjoy your "birthday"!



Tuesday, May 5, 2009


We are grounded from TTC.

We went in today for our clearance US so we could start Clomid tomorrow night and it did not go according to plan (but really, when have my US's ever gone according to plan?).

There is a cyst on my right ovary that is dangerously large (thanks, PCOS). It is not safe for us to start Clomid this cycle. Instead, I have to take a really high, high level of progesterone (Aygestin) to basically shut my ovaries down so they can repair the cyst that is trying to over take the right side.

I'm really pissed. I feel like my faith is standing on shifting sand right now. I know, deep down, there is a plan for us that is so much bigger than I could ever imagine, but right now, it's hard to grasp that.

I'm pissy at everyone because I am so overextended in every aspect of my life right now (oh, and a fun side effect of this medication: it makes you super bitchy. awesome.). If one more person tells me to "just take a day off" I am going to murder them (not really). WHEN am I supposed to take a day off? When I have the opportunity to take some time to myself, floors needing to be mopped, or groceries need to be bought or I have another 983989 Dr appointments scheduled for that day. I can't just blow my job off because I have families who depend on me to provide services for their child(ren). They need me more than I need an hour to myself.

So here comes the disclaimer: MOM(both of ours)-Stop Reading Now. I know you get your feelings hurt and I am not writing what I am about to write to hurt your feelings or attack you. We love you both, but I (Cate) need to get this off my chest.

It's hard to have a mother who is also a nurse. Both of our mom's are nurses. My mom works on the floor and Ben's mom is a surgical assistant and teaches nursing at a local college. They are both amazing at what they do and are such a blessing to have when we need to know what to take for a cold or what to do when one of us is sick. However, it is hard for them (in both of our opinions) to kick out of "being a nurse". So when we call them when we leave a Dr's appointment, they immediately kick into "what can I tell them from a health field perspective" instead of just being our mom's. Sometimes all we (and I emphasize the we in this sentence- I do not want anything that is being said here to be twisted or misconstrued) want is for our mom's to just say "I'm sorry. That really sucks." or "I'm sorry. I'll pray extra hard for you." Honestly, that is all we want from anyone. And our mom's have been great. They are praying for us and they do love us and I know being a nurse is just want comes first to them when dealing with medical crap but sometimes you just want your mom to be your mom.

And blogging about all of our issues is a double edged sword. As I said before, I blog for totally selfish reasons. I blog so I will have something to look back on to remember our journey to become parents. But I also do it for a million other reasons. But it comes with a cost.
On one hand, I feel like IF is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want to hide under a rock (well...sometimes I do) and pretend we are perfect and these issues don't affect us. Before we really started TTC, I was 100% clueless about how common IF/MC/Pregnancy Loss are. They are real issues. I hope that our story will someday serve as inspiration for another couple headed down the same path we are currently on. I also think it gives those who don't know anything about IF or didn't have any trouble TTC insight as to what it is like to be on the other side (not so that they feel guilty, but so that they appreciate how easy it was for them, I suppose). I love blogging. I have received great feedback and support that I couldn't find anywhere else from being so public with our story. I can't imagine ever quitting my blog.
But on the other hand, everything you say is out there, for anyone who wants to read it can do so. You leave yourself open to judgment, criticism and being the subject of gossip among those who only know you based on what they read on an Internet web page. You lose your privacy. Everyone knows our story now. People assume since you write about it on your blog, they have the right to ask you about it whenever they feel like it. Some days, I don't want to talk about it. Some days I don't want to be the girl dealing with IF or the couple that gets the "sad face" when we see people we haven't seen in a while who now know we are dealing with IF (some of you know the face I am talking about). Some days I just want to be Cate. I just want to be 25. I just want to be a Developmental Specialist who loves her job. I just want to be Ben's wife. I just want to be madly obsessed with our dogs. I just want to be anything but the poster child for IF in someones life.

But I can't stop now. It's already out there. Do I regret starting this blog? No, not for a minute. Do I wish I had filtered myself more at certain points? No, I wrote exactly what I was feeling at the moment. Do I wish I could have some sort of billboard that I wore around that says either "Yes, Ask me about IF!" or "I'm really bitter and sad today, so don't mention babies or pregnancy or TTC" depending on my mood? Yes, but it would definitely clash with most of my wardrobe so it's not an option. I just wish I could pick and choose who gets to read what, which is also not an option. It's all or nothing, so for right now, I am choosing the "all" option. Moving to a private blog has crossed my mind several times, but I know there are some who aren't "Followers" who read this who would get left behind in the move, I know my blog is found through Google often and has the potential to be a great source of information and insight for some and I don't feel as though I should have to move to a private place to be able to talk about our life. So public it remains until further notice.

Obviously this turned into a blog that is much longer than I initially intended it to be. If you made it this far, Congrats! You must have a lot of free time (can I have some?)! If you pray, please keep us in mind. This is such a test of faith for us and I feel myself slipping more often than I care to admit.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Our Kitchen

Kelly over at Kelly's Korner is starting a room by room tour of houses on her blog so I thought "What they hey, let's join in." Every Friday (I'm late, as usual) she will assign a room of your house and you are supposed to give a photo tour of that room on your blog. Sounds fun, right?

This week: The Kitchen. Ours is smaller than I'd like, but it was the only thing I had to sacrifice when we decided to buy our house. All the other rooms are huge, our lot is great and the location is perferct for both of us.

This is pretty much it, haha! The fridge is over to the left and you can see the very corner of a dining room chair in the bottom right. Don't get lost, now!

This is our "dining room", if you can call it that, haha! It's small, but it serves its purpose. (Yes, there are always dog treats on the table. They have their very own cabinet they belong in but our dogs are treat whores so I just leave them out. It saves me a step.)

A "must have" appliance if you don't want to drop major bucks on the Keurig .

The favorite part of my kitchen? The Kitchen Aid (aka: The Jesus of mixers).

And that's it. Really.

Next week? The Living Room!


PS-I won my first blogging award! Thanks, Jessica! I'll post about it and pass the award on to three very deserving ladies sometime this week!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Exercises in Self Control

After confiding in a (much younger) friend yesterday, and telling her this will be our last natural cycle TTC, I came thisclose to issuing my first IRL throat punch. Clearly getting pregnant is not working on our own, so we are definitely moving to Clomid next cycle (which was the issue of debate in our house for weeks). After I get done with my whole shpeil about how nervous I am about taking Clomid, the risks that come along with Clomid, etc, etc, she looks me dead in the eye and says:

"Why don't you just relax. I heard that's how people get pregnant."

For serious girl? We tried the "just relax" method for six months way back at the beginning of our TTC jouney and have taken several "just relax" cycles off in the mean time. It took everything I had not to scream at her


but I didn't. I kept my cool. Because I'm cool like that.

So yea. That's what happened yesterday. Today, however, I started my period. Exciting, right? I'll just add one more tally mark to the "FAIL" side. Let's see....that's 21 FAILed cycles, 1 WIN that later turned into a FAIL cycle, and 0 WIN cycles.

At least I'm consistent.

Next cycle we (meaning I) will be on Metformin the entire cycle (which seems to be helping me O, but I am still not Oing strong enough according to my US's and RE), Clomid CD 5-9 (hold on to your ass! I have heard about the Clomid Crazies.) and Progesterone from O-the time I start my period or 13weeks3days pregnant-whichever comes first. When I go to the RE on (assuming) Monday for my CD3 US (my RE monitors your entire cycle while on Clomid bc of OHSS, thinned uterine lining, etc) we will also talk about injections to trigger ovulation (HCG injections). Then we will wait and see if a medicated cycle brings better results. Still with me? There is a chart right over there-----> on the right that may help you.

And now you're up to speed.