Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Wish me luck.

I'm going back to school today. I have sent word via Meaghan that I DO.NOT. want to talk about the miscarriage. I just want to return to class as Catie, the girl who has tongue in cheek comments and makes people laugh at inappropriate times.

I'm oddly excited to get back to normal.

And I have a rockin new hair do. (Thanks, Ben!) I made the leap and cut my bangs. I rreeaallllyy hope I don't regret this in 2 weeks, lol.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Cut me an effing break.

So I spent Friday morning in the ER, which ended up being nothing but a total waste of $100 and time. But let's back up to Thursday.
I went to the office for an ultrasound-just to make sure my baby was dead. He was. Fun stuff. So they sent me down to pre-op to get some blood work done and get ready for surgery. They sent back about 29974 people to get blood, ask questions, poke and prod me. I was beside myself, esp when they asked questions about the pregnancy. Ben had to answer most of the questions for me because I couldn't even talk. Then they transfer me to anesthesia. The Anesthesiologist gave me two options, a spinal block or they could put me under, he was comfortable with either but the option was mine. Since I had nightmares of dying during surgery all week (not kidding) I wanted to talk about the spinal with Ben. One of the nurses, who was a total asshole for lack of a better word, gave me some serious attitude over it. He went to get Ben, and then gave Ben attitude. Part of me wanted to say to him "Hello! I am having our dead baby sucked out of me in about 10 minutes. Can you cut me some slack?" But anyways. Ben gets back there and the rude nurse says to him "Quick kiss and get out." I was shocked. I had NEVER been treated like that before. I just sat there and sobbed. The anesthesiologist came back and asked what our decision was and the rude nurse said "We are doing general anesthesia." I didn't care. I didn't even argue. I just wanted it over. There were so many people moving around and asking questions that I got really disoriented and scared. I remember going to the OR and a nurse (not the asshole) held my hand and wiped my face. She was so nice, but I didn't get her name.
Then I woke up in recovery. I hurt. I asked for Ben. Then passed back out. Long story short, I stayed in recovery for a while then went home. Pretty uneventful.
Here's the part where I brag on my husband. He is amazing and the best thing that ever happened to me. After surgery, I couldn't go to the bathroom by myself, bend over to even pull my pants up, stand up alone, get in or out of bed on my own, etc. Ben did it all for me. When I had to pee, he went with me. He held my hand and ran the faucet to get me to pee. He let me sit on the toilet and cry because it hurt so unbelievably bad. (During surgery, they had to cath me to empty my bladder. Don't worry, I was asleep. They wouldn't have done it otherwise-more on that later.) Ben did everything for me. It was embarrassing to have my husband help change my pad and pull my underwear up for me but he never once complained and tried to make me feel better. He made jokes while I cried in an attempt to make me feel better. He held me in bed while I cried harder than I think I ever have in my life. He got all my medicine and still makes sure I take what I am supposed to, when I am supposed to. I would not have survived last week without him.
Then Thursday night rolls through. Ben works for the devil, so he had to go to work. Luckily my parents were both here. I hadn't slept all week, even with the help of prescription aids (which I do not recommend) so I was hopeful I would sleep for more than 3 hours. Didn't happen. Around 4 I woke up with this unreal urge to push like I was in labor- a lovely, yet cruel side effect from the pitocin they gave me to dialate my cervix and again to help shrink my uterus back down. I cried for my mom (who was also amazing last week) who came and helped me get up. (Insert TMI warning here.) I went to the bathroom and passed blood blots the size of golf balls. I felt every bit of it. My arms were numb from my elbows to my fingertips and were blood red. My face was on fire. I called Ben who called my OB who told me to go to the ER. Fantastic.
So we get to the ER. The Dr (not my OB) wants to cath me without even talking to me. Here's where I go from nice, compliant patient to raging bitch. I said absolutely not. Over my cold, lifeless body were they going to cath me. My privates had been through the ringer the day before and they were NOT shoving another thing up there. So the Dr. (who was already in a pissy mood) gives me a Lortab and Ativan, told me it was a panic attack and sends me home. THANKS FOR NOTHING. Thanks for not listening to me, thanks for reffering to my surgery as an abortion OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. (I know this is the technical name, but D&C stings just a little less.) I was pissed, and still am.
And now it's Monday morning. I call my OB's office to schedule my follow up for my surgery and tell them I was in the ER Friday morning. I tell them the whole story and they want to see me right away. I should NOT be having these issues following a D&C. I'm still bleeding. Still passing clots. Still having cramps that are so bad they radiate around to my back. My boobs have started leaking (sexy, huh?). I am not sleeping. I have no appetite. I hate my body. I am going to find a way to trade it in.

And to top it all off, the effing Duggar's were on the Today Show. Give me a break. I want to punch her. 18 pregnancies. 18 babies. What gives? Does she pray harder than I do? I'm sure she swears less. What makes her so freaking special. I know the Today Show producers didn't plant her on today's episode to spite me or as a personal dig, but I couldn't help but feel like it was a slap in the face. I think she's just greedy. Who need's 18 kids anyways.

In case you couldn't tell, I'm tired and bitter. I have tried being thankful for all that we have and the many blessings God has given us, but right now, bitter just feels better.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

This sucks.

I hate this. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.

I feel like a failure as a wife and as a mother.

My body failed me.

I'm so sorry, Buddha. I really did everything I thought was right for you. I hope you didn't suffer or hurt.

I miss you every second of the day.

I am taking a BOTB break. I can't tell if I'm bitter, jealous or hurting so it's just best I leave it alone for a while. My heart is so heavy and broken. It's not fair to continue to dump it on them.

I want Buddha back. Even for just a minute. I want to know who he would have grown up to be. Who would he look like? Who's temperament would he have had? I want to feel him kick and move in my belly. I just want it all back.

I want a do over.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Not so great update.

We went in for our ultrasound on 9/15/08. Everything was amazing. We saw our little Buddha and his flashy little heartbeat going strong at 116 bpm. So we went home, on cloud nine and so excited.

Fast forward to the next Monday. I had some spotting, my OB agreed to see me right away. So off to the office, bracing for the worst but praying so, so hard for the best. Ben was amazing. He assured me that no matter what, we were going to be ok and his love for me was not contingent on this baby I was carrying.

We get to the office, quick exam and an ultrasound later, we learn there is no longer a heartbeat. Buddha died on Saturday sometime and my body hadn't recognized it yet. They left Ben and I alone in a room to collect ourselves. All I could do was sob. Not just cry, but snot nosed, red faced sobbing action. Ben was amazing, as usual. He cried with me and just held me. I quickly went from sobbing to panicking. I wanted to get out. I wanted to go home, I wanted them to take everything they said back and tell me our baby was alive and well. No one can EVER understand the emotions you go through at that moment unless they have been there. It's surreal. It's true, life shattering heartbreak. It crushes every bit of your soul that you think you had in your body. You want to be angry at someone, but you have no one to direct your anger at. It's not Ben's fault. It's not the Dr's fault. It's not my neighbors fault. It can't be God's fault, He has the Master Plan and has a reason for this. So the only one left to blame is me. My body. Sitting there in the office surrounded by Ben and the office staff, I have never, ever felt so entirely alone.
I got dressed and went to Dr. Patel's office (who is AMAZING). He went over everything top to bottom. What happened, why it happened, what can be done next time, how long we need to wait, etc. He told he no less than 50 times, THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. I did nothing. More than likely (95%+ chance) this was a chromosomal abnormality and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it all. We scheduled me on Thursday morning for one more ultrasound just to make sure there was no heartbeat and my D&C immediately follow.
I sobbed in the car. Ben cried with me. We sat in the hospital parking lot and sobbed. Our world stopped. Our hearts had been ripped from our chest. Our souls were at the bottom of our feet. We decided to go to Logan to visit his mom so we wouldn't have to go home and look at all our brand new baby stuff-stroller, clothes, bedding, etc in our living room. His mom was awesome. She made us dinner and talked me through the procedure *she is a surgical nurse and has done D&C's before*. She let us cry, and sleep and just be heartbroken.
Tuesday and Wednesday were long. Longest days of my life. I knew what was coming and the thought that I was carrying my now dead child was too much. I did a lot of screaming, hard crying into my pillow. Lot's of praying. My mom came on Tuesday and unfortunately took the brunt of my anger. (sorry, mom.) After not sleeping ALL week (literally) my OB called in one 5mg Ambien for me on Wednesday night (which didn't help). My dad got here Wednesday and was also awesome. We spent time just watching movies, letting me cry when I needed to and loving Ben and me.
Thursday morning. Not fun. We went in for my ultrasound. They showed us Buddha. They showed us where his heartbeat should have been. They printed us pictures. They let us ask 1000000 questions. I went down for pre-op blood work and and to get prepped. I panicked the entire time. The staff was amazing. They were so gentle and understanding and let Ben answer questions for me when I couldn't control myself. Then they moved to the surgery prep room and got my IV set up and gave me "the juice". From there on, I don't remember anything. I vaguely remember my blood pressure cuff waking me up and the unreal pain I felt in my abdomen. I remember crying for Ben and the poor recovery nurse telling me I couldn't see him yet. Next thing I remember was poor Ben trying to get me dressed. He got to see me stark nekkid, which he didn't mind. I had no clue what planet I was on and an entire surgery team had just seen all my goods, so I didn't really care who saw what at that point. They gave my mom my prescriptions and sent me home. And then I slept. And had nightmares. And punched Ben in my sleep. Cried in my sleep. Saw Buddha in my sleep. I was a mess. I couldn't go to the bathroom alone, I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand up straight, I couldn't stand up by myself or reposition myself on my own. It.Sucked.Ass.
Ben had to go to work bc he works for the devil, so mom and dad stayed with me. I, of course, didn't sleep. I was in pain, I felt like I had to push like I was in labor (thanks, Pitocin!) and was passing blood clots the size of golf balls. At 4:30 I called Ben who called my Dr and he told me to go to the ER. Off we go. We get there, and long story short, they take blood, threaten to cath me (over my cold and lifeless body), peed in a cup, took some Lortab and Adovan and slept. Finally. I slept hard. Somehow, mom and Ben got me home and I slept for another 4 hours before mom made me get up so I will be able to sleep tonight.

So that should catch you up. We miss Buddha everyday. We are still broken on the inside but are slowly getting ourselves back together. Our marriage has never been stronger. Our bond as husband and wife is so solid right now. I couldn't imagine a better person picked out for me to spend my life with.
At the same time, we realize how blessed we are. We are lucky we got pregnant (this does not mean it is ok to say "At least you know you can get pregnant." "You're still young","You can try again" NONE of those things are helpful). We tried hard for Buddha. We wanted him. We would have done anything to keep him. I followed all the rules. I took my vitamins and supplements. I cut out caffeine and alcohol. I slept on my left side. I read the books. But it just didn't work out.
We were lucky to see the word "Pregnant" pop up on that digital test. We were so blessed to see the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. So many people try much harder than we did and never even get that satisfaction. We are lucky that our bond is strong and we have faith, family and friends to support us. We are lucky that no damage was done to my reproductive system and someday (far in the future) we will try again.

We are starting to heal. It still stings. I go back to school next week. I get back to whatever normal was next week. The healing will continue next week. And life will move on. Without our Buddha.

“So for better or worse, the dynamic of two people shifts and takes a new form. A form that sometimes seems to have more to do with surviving than truly enjoying life.” -Baby Proof by Emily Giffin

"We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you."- Baby Proof by Emily Giffin

"A wife who loses her husband is called a widow. A husband who loses his wife is called a widower. A child who loses the their parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is."-Unknown

We also want to say thank you for all the prayers, well wishes, thoughts and nice messages each of you have sent. We still covet your prayers and will for months to come. We love each of you and are looking forward to what life has to offer us.

Love Always,
Catie, Ben and Angel Buddha

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Big day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. I am totally on pins and needles. It's half excitement, half nerves. I have been counting down to this day for almost a month and now it's almost here and I can't stand the wait anymore.
Please cross your fingers and say a prayer for us. I want nothing more than to see a little tiny heart beat show up on the screen, get my pictures and leave!

I'll update tomorrow.

Why I'm Voting Democrat (Not Really)

I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday CAN tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four pointy headed elitist liberals need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would NEVER get their agendas past the voters.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists don't have to hide from us over there, when they come over here I don't want to have any guns in the house to fight them off with.

I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

Makes ya wonder why anyone would EVER vote Republican, now doesn't it?

Monday, September 1, 2008

Well that doesn't seem fair...

Headline from CNN:
Bristol Palin, 17-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin, is pregnant and will keep the baby and marry the father, a senior McCain aide confirms.

Here's what I don't understand about the whole thing (and feel free to disagree).

When Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, it is accepted and almost glamorized because she is a celebrity.

But when a politician's daughter get's pregnant, it is looked down upon and disgraceful.

Seems like a double standard to me.