Friday, September 26, 2008

Not so great update.

We went in for our ultrasound on 9/15/08. Everything was amazing. We saw our little Buddha and his flashy little heartbeat going strong at 116 bpm. So we went home, on cloud nine and so excited.

Fast forward to the next Monday. I had some spotting, my OB agreed to see me right away. So off to the office, bracing for the worst but praying so, so hard for the best. Ben was amazing. He assured me that no matter what, we were going to be ok and his love for me was not contingent on this baby I was carrying.

We get to the office, quick exam and an ultrasound later, we learn there is no longer a heartbeat. Buddha died on Saturday sometime and my body hadn't recognized it yet. They left Ben and I alone in a room to collect ourselves. All I could do was sob. Not just cry, but snot nosed, red faced sobbing action. Ben was amazing, as usual. He cried with me and just held me. I quickly went from sobbing to panicking. I wanted to get out. I wanted to go home, I wanted them to take everything they said back and tell me our baby was alive and well. No one can EVER understand the emotions you go through at that moment unless they have been there. It's surreal. It's true, life shattering heartbreak. It crushes every bit of your soul that you think you had in your body. You want to be angry at someone, but you have no one to direct your anger at. It's not Ben's fault. It's not the Dr's fault. It's not my neighbors fault. It can't be God's fault, He has the Master Plan and has a reason for this. So the only one left to blame is me. My body. Sitting there in the office surrounded by Ben and the office staff, I have never, ever felt so entirely alone.
I got dressed and went to Dr. Patel's office (who is AMAZING). He went over everything top to bottom. What happened, why it happened, what can be done next time, how long we need to wait, etc. He told he no less than 50 times, THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT. I did nothing. More than likely (95%+ chance) this was a chromosomal abnormality and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it all. We scheduled me on Thursday morning for one more ultrasound just to make sure there was no heartbeat and my D&C immediately follow.
I sobbed in the car. Ben cried with me. We sat in the hospital parking lot and sobbed. Our world stopped. Our hearts had been ripped from our chest. Our souls were at the bottom of our feet. We decided to go to Logan to visit his mom so we wouldn't have to go home and look at all our brand new baby stuff-stroller, clothes, bedding, etc in our living room. His mom was awesome. She made us dinner and talked me through the procedure *she is a surgical nurse and has done D&C's before*. She let us cry, and sleep and just be heartbroken.
Tuesday and Wednesday were long. Longest days of my life. I knew what was coming and the thought that I was carrying my now dead child was too much. I did a lot of screaming, hard crying into my pillow. Lot's of praying. My mom came on Tuesday and unfortunately took the brunt of my anger. (sorry, mom.) After not sleeping ALL week (literally) my OB called in one 5mg Ambien for me on Wednesday night (which didn't help). My dad got here Wednesday and was also awesome. We spent time just watching movies, letting me cry when I needed to and loving Ben and me.
Thursday morning. Not fun. We went in for my ultrasound. They showed us Buddha. They showed us where his heartbeat should have been. They printed us pictures. They let us ask 1000000 questions. I went down for pre-op blood work and and to get prepped. I panicked the entire time. The staff was amazing. They were so gentle and understanding and let Ben answer questions for me when I couldn't control myself. Then they moved to the surgery prep room and got my IV set up and gave me "the juice". From there on, I don't remember anything. I vaguely remember my blood pressure cuff waking me up and the unreal pain I felt in my abdomen. I remember crying for Ben and the poor recovery nurse telling me I couldn't see him yet. Next thing I remember was poor Ben trying to get me dressed. He got to see me stark nekkid, which he didn't mind. I had no clue what planet I was on and an entire surgery team had just seen all my goods, so I didn't really care who saw what at that point. They gave my mom my prescriptions and sent me home. And then I slept. And had nightmares. And punched Ben in my sleep. Cried in my sleep. Saw Buddha in my sleep. I was a mess. I couldn't go to the bathroom alone, I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand up straight, I couldn't stand up by myself or reposition myself on my own. It.Sucked.Ass.
Ben had to go to work bc he works for the devil, so mom and dad stayed with me. I, of course, didn't sleep. I was in pain, I felt like I had to push like I was in labor (thanks, Pitocin!) and was passing blood clots the size of golf balls. At 4:30 I called Ben who called my Dr and he told me to go to the ER. Off we go. We get there, and long story short, they take blood, threaten to cath me (over my cold and lifeless body), peed in a cup, took some Lortab and Adovan and slept. Finally. I slept hard. Somehow, mom and Ben got me home and I slept for another 4 hours before mom made me get up so I will be able to sleep tonight.

So that should catch you up. We miss Buddha everyday. We are still broken on the inside but are slowly getting ourselves back together. Our marriage has never been stronger. Our bond as husband and wife is so solid right now. I couldn't imagine a better person picked out for me to spend my life with.
At the same time, we realize how blessed we are. We are lucky we got pregnant (this does not mean it is ok to say "At least you know you can get pregnant." "You're still young","You can try again" NONE of those things are helpful). We tried hard for Buddha. We wanted him. We would have done anything to keep him. I followed all the rules. I took my vitamins and supplements. I cut out caffeine and alcohol. I slept on my left side. I read the books. But it just didn't work out.
We were lucky to see the word "Pregnant" pop up on that digital test. We were so blessed to see the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. So many people try much harder than we did and never even get that satisfaction. We are lucky that our bond is strong and we have faith, family and friends to support us. We are lucky that no damage was done to my reproductive system and someday (far in the future) we will try again.

We are starting to heal. It still stings. I go back to school next week. I get back to whatever normal was next week. The healing will continue next week. And life will move on. Without our Buddha.

“So for better or worse, the dynamic of two people shifts and takes a new form. A form that sometimes seems to have more to do with surviving than truly enjoying life.” -Baby Proof by Emily Giffin

"We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you."- Baby Proof by Emily Giffin

"A wife who loses her husband is called a widow. A husband who loses his wife is called a widower. A child who loses the their parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That's how awful the loss is."-Unknown

We also want to say thank you for all the prayers, well wishes, thoughts and nice messages each of you have sent. We still covet your prayers and will for months to come. We love each of you and are looking forward to what life has to offer us.

Love Always,
Catie, Ben and Angel Buddha


Elisa said...

**linked from Nest**
I am so so sorry you and your DH are going through this. I know I am just a stranger, but my heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. God be with you, and you Dh, becuase He is definitely with your Buddha.

jaime "dolcedulcedoce" said...

My heart breaks for you. I know how painful d&c's and miscarriages are and I just feel so so so bad for you. There's nothing I can say to make you feel any better but just know that you're not alone, there are so many people who care about you and are there if you need to talk, myself included.