Friday, January 30, 2009

Cover Your Ears....

Holy Shit.

Sorry. Had to get that out. Today has been the best day ever, and that is NOT an exaggeration.

1. We got our taxes done and we are getting a good amount back.

2. I cleared all the graduation requirements and will OFFICIALLY be graduating in MAY! Hallelujah! I will have more degrees and minors and focuses than any human will ever need, but I worked so hard for all of them and am SO proud of myself right now.

3. I GET TO ENROLL IN BIRTH TO THREE! THAT is the big news. This is my dream job, what I have been working towards and what I love. I will work with families to make a true difference in their child's life. I am numb. I can't believe this. I prayed for this and God answered my prayers and for that, I am thankful.

So, 2009 is off to an amazing start. I have some pretty amazing people upstairs working with God to make sure I am taken care of and I appreciate it so, so much.

Ben and I are so excited about what a change this is going to make in our lives.

It will obviously increase our income substantially, which is such a blessing. Ben makes more than enough for the two of us, and my current paychecks provide our "fun money" but now we will be able to give back to groups and charities that we love and support and start to travel like we have always talked about doing. Adding to the nest egg is also on the priority list.

We will finally have time to spend together when I am not thinking about assessments I have to do or papers I have to write or clinical time I need to complete. We will have time for us. We talked about this today in the car and both agreed that we are so thankful we have had so much time to spend together- just us.

While it is no secret we want children, we are also so glad we have had the time to get to learn more about each other and fall in love deeper and appreciate each other more. It is so important to have that time and we have really benefited from it. Looking back, maybe our journey has been a blessing in disguise. We have been able to take nice vacations sans strollers. We have gone on many last minute dates without having to scramble for a babysitter. We have bought our dream home (for right now) and decorated it to suit our needs and our style without having to work around pack-n-plays and high chairs. Would we have like to have a baby by now? Sure. But we also know that we have been given the gift of time that can't be taken away from us.

And really. Ben is 23. I'm 24. We aren't in a race against time. We are young. I pray every night, even the nights we fight, that we will have many more decades ahead to share with each other. When the time is right, it will happen. It can be frustrating in the mean time, but in the end, like everything else, it will be so, so worth it.

College has been a 7 year experience for me (granted, I have earned multiple degrees in that time). It has taken me longer than my peers to get exactly to where I want to be without having to settle for anything else. I made decisions that other people refused to make, I took classes I didn't have to take, but took anyway because I wanted to educate myself further about the field I was hoping to enter. I spent extra clinical time in the field. I cried over text books. I argued with teachers. I stayed up all night working on papers and projects. I went toe to toe with top professors (and won every time). But in the end, I am coming out ahead. I am getting exactly what I wanted and it means that much more to me than it might to someone else. I never compromised who I was or what I wanted. Now, I am reaping the benefits from those hard times and all the hard work I put in.

I have a feeling, holding our baby for the first time will feel kinda like that^, only a billion times better and right now, I can't even begin to imagine how great that will be.

God is great!


In less than 24 hours, I scored over $1,100 worth of clothes, baby toys (both for our future little one and for my job) and other randomness for around $350.


My love affair with Old Navy and Target continues.

^And that also included crap that the little brother kept throwing into the cart :) I love a good deal.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So, let's talk positive.

No, not positive pg tests, but almost as good.

1. Ben is doing so well at work. He loves what he does, he loves night shift and he has the skillz to pay the billz. We have been so blessed during this whole economic crisis. Both of us hold jobs in fields that have greater demands for workers than they do people to fill said jobs. So for the time being, we are both sitting pretty. We pray that it stays that way.

2. I have really been into photography lately, entirely as a hobby, nothing professional. I have been seriously lusting over the Nikon SB-400 flash and the Nikon 70-300mm VR lens (aka-the stalker lens). Well...since the price tags on these things add up to almost $1,000 for the two, I pretty much tucked both items into my "In My Dreams" file. Ben kept telling me to order them but dropping a grand on myself just made me feel kinda selfish, so I never did. I really wanted them but really couldn't justify dipping into our nest egg to buy them.
But God provides, even the things we want.
I was tinkering around on eBay and found the set for $300. After I picked my jaw up off the floor and reread the posting about 38 times to makes sure there were no loop holes in the deal, I clicked "Buy It Now". And a few days later, it arrived on my door step. LOVE.

3. The above taught me that God provides. Even the things we don't need. I never prayed for those things (my prayers have been filled with more important things like babies and snow days lately).

Philippians 4:19-20 says "And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory by Christ Jesus. now to our God and Father be the glory forever and ever."

Granted, those weren't needs, who says God only grants needs? I am so thankful for the flash and the lens, especially since I didn't HAVE to have them- I just wanted them. God is good and works in mysterious ways.

4. This is still potentially my final semester of college. I am filling all my paperwork with DHHR to ensure I have all the college credits I need in order to be an Independent Developmental Specialist for the state. This is my dream job and I can't wait to hear back from the state to see if everything went through. It's nerve wracking and exciting all at the same time. Part of me will miss school, but part of me will be so glad to have my weekends and evenings NOT be filled with homework, assessments and projects.

5. I still firmly believe this year will be the year of miracles, as predicted my my late Uncle Thom. God is doing big things in so many people's lives right now and I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me and Ben, our families and those close to us.

6. Further proof God is working in my life and through strange ways: I was sitting at my desk last night, following all the drama that has taken place between me and Ben and members of our family (I won't say which side, it really doesn't matter). I grabbed my Bible to look for an old obituary of a dear friend and when I flipped through it, it opened right to this page, where I had highlighted a passage YEARS ago at GA church camp.

Romans 12:14-21
14Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.
On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

21Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

As much as I wanted to retaliate against some of the spiteful, rude, hurtful and down right nasty things they said to me, I didn't. I held my tongue. I didn't send my mother or brothers out to message them or even acknowledge their comments. And as a result of that, I got the greatest out pouring of support from those around me. So to those (many) of you who emailed me, left a comment or texted me today, I really appreciate it. It really isn't about who was right or who was wrong, but the level of prayers and positive thoughts I received from total strangers and family and friends has been so amazing. I wish I could say it was all water under the bridge, but I know better than to hope for that. Reading that verse over and over again just reinforced the notion that I had done the right thing. By not replying to the nonsense and only offering prayers in their direction, I came out on top. I felt good about myself at the end of the day and hadn't said anything that made me look foolish or was something I may come to regret.
And really, at least now family reunions will be really interesting, right?

7. The bad auditions on American Idol just scared the mess out of poor Marley and sent him into full attack mode. Hilarious. (OK, I know this wasn't positive per say, but it still made me laugh and laughing is positive...right?)

8. I have been borderline sick all week. While this isn't a positive, the terrible weather has made it one. I really, really hate to miss class or clinical hours. It's almost impossible to ever get caught back up. So, instead of me missing class or clinicals, snow dumped down from the heavens above and made it impossible for me to get to class or clinical sites. All week. So, I missed no time. So, THAT is positive.
::throws confetti::

Now it's your turn. What are some positive things going on in your life right now?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

If this whole ordeal has taught me nothing else...

1. This blog really can be a saving grace. The ability to put my feelings down in words and reflect on them is such therapy for me.

2. I do have the most amazing support system. I would like to thank each one of you for the emails, comments and prayers you have sent out to me. They mean the world to me and truly do make a difference.

3. Negative people and negative thoughts and negativity in general have absolutely ZERO place in my life. I don't need them, I don't benefit from them and I won't let the negativity of others hold any value on how I view myself, my marriage or my mental health. I feel like this blog has been overcome with negativity lately and that is NOT what it was intended to be. The devil works in funny ways and this is one thing I won't let him even dabble in.

4. My husband is amazing and is constantly willing to go to bat for his wife. He protects me, supports me and loves me to my core. You can't ask for much more than that.

5. My dogs don't like it when Momma is upset. At All. They circle the room growling, then jump up into my lap and snuggle. Pure, judgement free love.

6. There is nothing that 2 Extra Strength Tylenol's and a hot shower, followed by a long nap won't cure. Therapy at it's finest.

7. Being the bigger person always makes you feel better at the end of the day.

NOW- Since so many of you have been so selfless in your prayers for me, now it's my chance to give back. What can I pray for you about? Leave a comment or shoot me an email (my addy is on the right side of the screen), even if you have never commented before, let me pray for you.

God Bless each one of you.

***EDIT- I have opened comments up to anyone, meaning you do not have to have a Blogger account to comment. Please respect this. Rude, negative or unnecessary comments will hit the trashcan. Thanks!***



Apparently I have a chip on my shoulder. And I need mental help. All because...I don't BABY DIED.

Do I have a chip on my shoulder. No.

I have a hole in my heart. A hole that I will live with for the rest of my life. You have no clue what it's like. You don't feel like you got kicked in the stomach every time you see a pregnant woman. You don't have to wonder "Why not me?" You won't dread the date you lost your child and the day your child should have been born. You won't have to deal with that.

So do I need mental help? No. I feel like I have dealt with this in a pretty healthy manner. This blog has been such an outlet for me to vent and celebrate and grieve on. Do I need support? Yes. Do I need a phone call or an email every now and then just offering prayers or an opportunity to chat? Yes. I do need that. And I am very lucky. I have had those people in my life- I know I would be lost without them.

So for you to sit there and make insensitive comments, whether they are a joke or just an outright bitchy statement, they were not needed. And, if I am being honest, you have never been that nice to me. You have never really said anything nice to me. So I have to assume it was a bitchy comment. If it wasn't, then make me feel otherwise.

For real people. I can't believe this is MY FAMILY making this an issue. It is both sad and disgusting and I have just about had enough.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I need to get this off my chest- Part II

This post is NOT related to the post below, people just seem to be really good at pissing me off lately. Said people may read this blog, they may not and to be just about as plain and crystal clear as I can be- I don't give a flying rats ass if they do read this. This is my blog, my place to enter my thoughts therefore I have the right to say pretty much whatever the hell I feel like saying.

Be forewarned, I am about three steps past LIVID right now, so my language may get a little....colorful. If that offends you, I am sorry but you should probably stop reading now. Don't email me saying "I can't believe you dropped the F-bomb." because believe me, it is going to happen.

Let me start by saying unless you have been through difficulty TTC or unless you have been through a miscarriage, then don't talk to me like you know what the eff it's like.

Unless you are active in my life and I come to YOU wanting to talk about IF/TTC/MC, then don't mention it to me. If you can't control yourself and HAVE to say something, just say "I am praying for you guys. I am sure what you are dealing with is difficult." And if you are a (wo)man of few words "I am praying for you guys." is also acceptable. Being that you claim to be a Christian, this shouldn't be something hard for you to do.

I already feel like I am under enough fucking pressure from myself to get pregnant. To go month after month after month of testing and trying and praying and crying just to get that negative pregnancy test or a visit from dear Aunt Flo is heart breaking. You have NO idea unless you have been there. NONE. And honestly, I wish you did have just a fraction of an idea what it is like. THEN you might be a little more compassionate and empathetic towards me and Ben and our quest for a baby. Ben has NEVER put the pressure on me. The decisions to test and try are mine, he adds his input when I ask for it, but he has NEVER made a comment to be about how he needs to make his mother a grandmother.
My mother nor Ben's mother have EVER said anything about us making them a grandmother. My mom knows about our struggles and Ben's mom has a general idea of what is going on, so they don't press the issue. They respect how hard and trying it is on us. They know their silent support and prayers are enough for us.

And really, if you want to be honest about it all, Ben and I are parents, our parents are grandparents. Again, if you are the Christian you claim to be, you believe life begins at conception.

I honestly can't believe I had to write this entry. I really can't. I really thought I have been pretty throrough in explain what to say and what not to say and what it is like to be in my shoes and what the heartbreak is like here, here, followed by dissapointment here, here, very obvious entry here, here, etc. I could link back through my blog for days. The point being, almost every post I have made has been about our story and our struggles, the high points and the lows. This blog is known for being honest and straight forward and I have always tried to give an insight to what it is like to be me and in my shoes- ALL in an effort to make people realize how common these issues are and how to treat them and how to talk to people about them.

So, yea. It was a HUGE slap in the face for someone to tell me to hurry up and make my MIL a grandmother. It hurt. I sobbed. Ben was pissed. So whether that was a poorly delivered joke or a spiteful statement, it doesn't matter. It was 100% insensitive and out of line. If you knew for a fraction of a second how hard this is, you would have never said that. If you knew how hard that hit my heart and how it felt like I just got kicked in the stomach, you wouldn' shouldn't have said that. Maybe you would be honest, I really don't know. You have never been very nice to me, always condescending and snide, so you may have said it to be hateful. Who knows.

And that is my soapbox post for the week. Think about what you say to people. You never know(...wait...I take that DO know because I know you read this blog) what the other person is going through.

(I'm proud of myself. I kept the F Bombs under control. Go Me!)

I need to get this off my chest.

Shut up.

Shut. Up.

Shut it.

No one cares.

No one even really likes you.

Get over yourself.

And have a great day!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

25 Things.

::EDIT:: This is C&P-ed from my Facebook page, so the "personal blog" I mention in there is this blog :) I promise, I am not keeping secret blogs and not telling you!

I have been tagged about 18 times now but haven't taken the time to sit down and write out 25 things that I think may interest you, provide too much insight to my life, are totally random or are a combination of the three. I am supposed to tag 25 more people....but....I don't plan on it. Most people have already finished this anyway. And, as those of you who follow my blog already know, this will be uncensored and brutally honest. If you don't like it, don't read it and don't message me if you don't agree with something I am about to write.

Fun Fact #1
I used to make fun of WV and swear I would never move to this backwards "state full of freaks" (in all fairness, I was 16). Now that I live here (moved voluntarily!), I can't imagine living anywhere else. There are things that frustrate me about living here, but it is so much better- and cheaper- than living in the city. I still have all the malls, Target and restaurants, but get to live without the high taxes and crime.

Fun Fact #2
My marriage isn't perfect, but I don't want it to be. Ben is the best person for me and he is hands down the love of my life, but we both have our flaws. We have the best laughs and the worst fights, but when it matters the most and I am at my lowest points, there is no one else I want by my side. The good times are great, the bad times keep it interesting and the stuff in the just the stuff in the middle.

Fun Fact #3
I wrote my wedding vows. It is probably the most raw thing I have ever written and SOBBED while writing them, but didn't shed too many tears reading them to Ben on the day of our wedding. I still have both of our vows that I keep tucked away. The papers have been folded about a million times and there are scratches through some parts and tear marks on others, but those two pieces of paper are so important to me.

Fun Fact #4
I love our three dogs more than I love most people. Some people think three dogs, esp large dogs, is insane, but I love it. They are so funny and make me and Ben laugh so much. They each are so different and have their own personalities. When Marley really wants something, he cries and groans and it sounds JUST LIKE "Momma!". It's hysterical. Boston is so wise and I swear if he could talk, he would have a British accent. And Roxanne. Haha. She is the most expensive, destructive and loud animal I have ever seen. But she is so freakin cute and when she sleeps on her back, she snores and her mask flips upside down and flaps when she breathes. I can't stay mad at her when she does that.

Fun Fact #7
I can't STAND when people use excessive punctuation. It drives me up a freaking wall. One ! means the same as !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!. I think it makes you look dumb.

Fun Fact #6
I never knew how common subfertility/infertility and miscarriages are. I wish people weren't so ashamed of these things and talked more openly about it, but at the same time, I know how much it hurts and understand why people keep it to themselves.

Fun Fact #7
I lied to a ton of people when we were trying to get pregnant the first time and if you are one of those people, I truly am sorry. Knowing the issues I have, I just didn't want the questions and the pressure from other people. Our first pregnancy was a long time coming and very much planned, though many think it was a pleasant surprise. I felt so guilty lying to people, but was doing it to protect our privacy.

Fun Fact #8
When I really think about it, I wouldn't trade the subfertility issues we are dealing with or our loss for anything. While we wanted our first baby so much and were so excited, and while it is frustrating to actively TTC and have no luck and then to get pregnant and having a heartbreaking loss almost 10 weeks later and then having to start all over again, Ben and I both agree that God has a plan in our life and someday it will include a baby. And when we do get there, it will mean so, so much more to us than if we had gotten pregnant on the first try and not had to go through what we are dealing with. It has made us and our marriage so much stronger and our faith so much more solid and brought us to a place we never thought we would be. But for that, I am thankful. This line from "Baby Proof" is one of my favorite quotes from a book ever:
We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you."

Fun Fact #9
I love to make cupcakes, but don't really like to eat them. I am just not a cake person.

Fun Fact #10
I am a Judgemental Judy and I really don't care to change that. I am entitled to my opinion and usually don't care to share them.

Fun Fact #11
I have learned so much through my personal blog about myself. Writing down my thoughts and feelings about everything life throws at me (and I mean EVERYTHING- if you read my blog, then you know what I am talking about!) has really forced me to look at myself and my how I am and how our marriage is. I love the positive feedback I get from my entries (and the negative too!). People seem to appreciate my brutal honesty and the sincerity that I pour into my writing. I started writing it just for me and Ben as a way to document our first year of marriage and then our first pregnancy but it has turned into so much more than that. It is raw and uncensored and I love it and what it has done for me and other people.
(If you don't have the link yet, let me know!)

Fun Fact #12
I work with the coolest kid on the planet. He has taught me so much more than I will ever learn in a class or seminar. If our kids are half as fun as he is, then we will be in for a fun ride!

Fun Fact #13
I can't stop watching the Duggar's. I do give their courtship rituals and rules and "no kissing until you're married" things the ::sideeye:: but I can't.stop.watching. They seem like a nice family and a freak show all wrapped into one, and THAT is pure entertainment. I really do feel for that woman's vag though. I don't know how much more it can take. AND I think it is super strange how much Josh Duggar's wife looks JUST like his sisters. Awkward....

Fun Fact #14
My dog just farted and

Fun Fact #15
Ben and I make up silly songs that make no sense all the time. They are usually about someone walking past our car or sitting near us in a restaurant or about the dogs but they are always funny. Ask me and I will make a song just for you.

Fun Fact #16
We were supposed to spend our wedding night at a really sweet Bed and Breakfast. It was supposed to be romantic and awesome. It was supposed to be a lot of things. BUT we arrived there later than we planned on and the owners were already in bed and didn't answer the we spent our wedding night at his mom's cabin with his entire extended family. In a twin bed. Looking was hilarious. We had already lived together for 6 months so there was nothing new to do anyway, not to mention the fact that I was running on Red Bull fumes and was due to pass out at any minute.

Fun Fact #17
Our wedding was perfect. Nothing went wrong, the weather was amazing, we stayed well under budget and everyone we talked to had the time of their life. Some people were...well...rude but I really didn't care. It was my day and bitches weren't bringing me down. My parents and Ben's mom worked so hard on everything and really did whatever I asked and then some. I was the least involved bride ever. And it was the last time my family was all together before my grandpa had a stroke and my uncle passed away. I cherished every moment of that day and wish I could relive it a thousand times over.

Fun Fact #18
I have dropped about $2,500 on camera equipment in the last year and honestly think it is one of the best investments I have made. I have taken some amazing shots and had some really great volunteers allow me to take their wedding/engagement/family portraits. I know I can't make a living doing it, but I love to do it in my spare time.

Fun Fact #19
I love our house. It's the best. Great location, required no remodeling or paint and has more space than we need. We looked for so long and prayed for God to show us the right house for what seemed like an eternity and just when we were about to give up, the perfect house for us just popped up on the market. We put in an offer the third day it had been on the market and moved in less than a month later.

Fun Fact #20
I love Britney Spears. I have listened to her CD on repeat in my car for at least 6 weeks.

Fun Fact #21
Ben and I got Blackberry's this weekend. I don't see how I lived without one. Between the day runner and applications and constant access to my email, my life has gotten so much easier. We were talking about the first cell phone I got TEN YEARS AGO and times have changed so much. I am almost scared to see what comes out nexy.

Fun Fact #21
I really wish Ben and I had a church we could go to but our options seem pretty limited around here. I grew up in really young churches with active youth/college/newlywed ministries and were upbeat and casual. The churches we have attended here are....well....not like that. I think the average age of the attendees is 99 and I don't need to hear on a weekly basis how quickly I am headed to hell. But at the same time, I love sleeping in on Sunday's, so even if we did have a church to go to...I know I probably wouldn't.

Fun Fact #22
I am still waiting to hear back from my potential job I could potentially have if I potentially graduate this May. Everything is riding on a "Yes" or "No" and the suspense is literally killing me.

Fun Fact #23
Elephants are my favorite animal.

Fun Fact #24
I have a group of friends who "live in the computer" (as Ben says) and they are some of my best friends. They know more about me than most people who are active in my "real life" and bond with them is stronger than it is with most people in my "real life". They have celebrated with me during my highest highs and rescued me from my lowest lows. I can't imagine going through some of the things I have been through without them.

And the Grand Finale
Fun Fact #25
Without Starbucks and/or Diet Coke, I could not function as a nice human being. It is NOT pretty.

I don't really care if people don't like me. Part of me loves it when people don't like me because I know they really don't have a reason not to. If someone doesn't like me, it's probably because they have an issue with themselves, not with me.


What Nobody Told Me...

This is long, but it's a really good read. Regardless as to who you are, this puts TTC/Pregnancy in perspective and may give you an insight to someone's life and daily roller coaster of emotions.

What Nobody Told Me About Trying to Conceive
-That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy. (duh!)
-That my sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
-That the longer I try to conceive, the more pregnant women spring up around me.
-That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
-That one day I wouldn't mind checking my cervical fluid or cervix position to see if it is my fertile period. (no more)
-That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research up to now just to figure out what was wrong with me, and now I might as well be an M.D.
-That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
-That living my life in 2 week increments would be the normal thing to do.
-That I never knew how much I wanted to see those 2 pink lines...until only one shows up every month.
-That simply relaxing will NOT get me pregnant. The husband has to do some work too! (don't you hate it when people tell you that!?)
-That I have no control over some of the goals I set...
-That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at my BBT chart doesn't make it change!
-That one day my husband would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside.
-That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
-That miscarriage is so common.
-That I would wish we had started trying to conceive earlier.
-That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
-That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control like I was led to believe in school.
-That I wouldn't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long, and I realized what I was willing to go through to make it happen.
-That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pregnant "wins".
-That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man!
-That it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to try having a baby! They might be trying and having difficulties just like me!
-That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
-That I could have been rich by saving the money I spent on condoms/birth control pills, which were obviously unnecessary.
-That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my husband about it.
-That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
-That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in Florida by now.
-That having my period show up would make me cry, no matter whose bathroom I was in.
-That it does not get easier ... each cycle is harder than the last.
-That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
**-That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to trying to conceive.**
-That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes that there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
-That talking about sex with fellow women who are trying to conceive would be so easy.
-That one day all of this will make me stronger. (it already has, hasn't it?)
-That I would have NO TOLERANCE for pregnant women's complaints about morning sickness, weight gain, etc...
-That no one I know would have any understanding as to how I feel.
-That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
-That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
-That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
-That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at trying to conceive.
-That some people just say the wrong things.
-That I would be so sad and ashamed.
-That when my period shows up I would feel broken and dysfunctional.
-That my friendship with my real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
-That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.
-That I HAVE to have sex even though I don't feel like it, but because my fertility monitor says HIGH or PEAK.
-That people would pity me and feel sorry for me.
**-That I would meet such a wonderful group of people online, that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with. **
-That I would feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
-That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so badly.

Meg, Rachel, Bridgit, Rachi, Nerdy, Danse, Amanda, Sulfa and all the other great women I have met along our journey to get pregnant, through our miscarriage and back on the TTC train again- you each mean something so special to me. I want you all to get BFP's just as bad as I want one for myself. You know more about my life than most of my "real life" friends do. You have all celebrated with me at my highest points and lifted me from the lowest lows and for that I am forever grateful.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Can I just say...

Dropping $50 a month on OPK's is getting expensive. I don't even want to add up the amount of money I have given Answer and Clear Blue Easy.

I am single-handedly keeping those businesses afloat.

In other news, Famous Dave's Cornbread is one of the top five best things ever.

Hey, that's not what you said...

I am really trying to give Obama a chance, honest. But he has been in office for less than a week and is already going back on something I clearly remember him saying. During a debate, the mod asked both McCain and Obama how they felt about abortion and they both said they were against it.

Now, someone explain to me why you would designate more money to a cause you are against.

A recent quote commenting on the recent move by Obama to reverse the ban on Federal monies going to support abortion initiatives abroad:

"President Obama not long ago told the American people that he would support policies to reduce abortions, but today he is effectively guaranteeing more abortions by funding groups that promote abortion as a method of population control," said Douglas Johnson, legislative director of the National Right to Life Committee.

It upsets me that my tax dollars are supporting such a highly volatile issue without my consent. I pray that this decision will be thwarted or soon reversed.

Between this and the move to close Gitmo....he's not off to a great start.

The Crackberry.

I made the leap to a smart phone.

It has been a mere 3 hours and I already know my life will never be the same.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Well ____________.

CD 1.

I honestly am shocked. We covered all our bases this cycle and then some. For those high school Health teachers that say "It only takes once", I would like to argue that statement.

Starting Over. Maybe this is our cycle...

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Lame Sauce.

BFN @ 9 DPO. (Yes, I know that is early.)

AF is due Tuesday.

Bitch better not show. I really want to be pregnant and have it all back again.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dear Mary Kay

Many, many moons ago I used your make up and it left me with one of the worlds worst rashes of all time. I vowed to never use your products again (well...that and I went to school with your daughter and needless to say...she wasn't very nice).

So, in the hunt for the perfect eyeline (since my old stand-by CoverGirl discontinued my favorite) I took a leap of faith and tried your products again. Thank GOD I got the free samples. Your consultant (who looked like an over tanned, over worked, over made up, cracked out Barbie) PROMISED me your products had changed in the past few years and PROMISED me that all people, even those with sensitive skin, could use them with no problem. by "no problem", does that mean "You may feel the need to find the nearest spork and dig your eyes out shortly after applying our eye shadow or liner."

I even gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking, it may just be my contact lenses.

Nope. It wasn't them.

It was the make up.

So thanks again for the red, scratchy eyes. They looked super sexy and the LOVELY red rings of irritation they left around my eyes for 2 days looked even better.

PS- Barbie is the only bitch that deserves a real pink car. Poser.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

And now we wait...

Negative OPK from every test in the tri-state yesterday (even though I have been getting negatives for days now- you never can be too sure!).

And the TWW (two week wait, for those that don't know) begins. Please show me a miracle.

And in other big BIG news, this will likely be my final semester of college. I will post the full story later because it is quite long, but it looks like God has answered my prayers and shown me a loop hole that will get me out of Marshall University FOREVER. Thank, God, literally.
I will end up with more degrees than anyone should ever need but I am fine with that. I adore school and love learning but I am over the lack of support from professors and their lack of faith in my abilities.
It's bittersweet but it's time. I can't be a life long student, no matter how much I want to be.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Can someone pass me a hammer?

Ok. This won't be long. My point is short and sweet and pretty brutally honest (which is forewarned above).

If you are not pregnant after trying for FOUR CYCLES, you are not necessarily infertile. We tried for a hell of a lot longer than that (considering we tossed the birth control about five months before getting married and were not very careful after that) before getting pregnant the first time and NEVER once sought treatment. It can take a healthy couple with no fertility issues up to a year to get pregnant and still be considered "normal". So to go running to your family doctor (an OBGYN or RE would be more suitable when dealing with your reproductive organs-one of them even has REPRODUCTIVE in the title) when you aren't pregnant after just four tries is totally ridiculous and selfish.

While Ben and I don't have a 100% infertile diagnosis, we do have noted issues (frequent annovulatory cycles and my uterus is totally not where it should be or in the position it should be in). I have not once asked for fertility treatments. I can not imagine what it is like to do daily injections and take hormones and suppliments in the hopes of getting pregnant and it infuriates me when people abuse these treatments.

If you are one of those people, you really need to look in the mirror HARD. You don't want the IF diagnosis. I don't want the issues that I have, but I will take them over true infertility any day. You are lower than low and really need to check yourself. Keep in mind, when you take up those medicines and those appointment times, you may be taking them away from a couple that really needs them all because you are being impatient. Does that sound fair?

::steps off soapbox::

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Can someone pass me a tissue?

I have been so freakin emotional today! It's unreal! I hate it. Nothing is even wrong! I am so close to being done with school, my job is going well, Ben and I are getting alone really well lately, the dogs aren't spending 23 hours and 57 minutes a day being total pains in the ass. I don't know what is going on, but I would like it to stop. (But if it's the start of pg hormones, then please stick around!)

PS- Mom, I know you read this. I need a girls day with you asap :(

Monday, January 5, 2009

Holy Shnikeys.

I had a box of Digital OPK's and a few Answer OPK's laying around...because really, who doesn't have $30 boxes of sticks to pee on laying around? Being almost SURE I ovulated last week I took one just to see how faint my line was. For those who don't know, the closer you get to your O date, the darker the line gets. The 24-36 hours before you O, the test line is as dark or darker than the control line. Once you are past your O date, the test line gets lighter and lighter. Makes sense, right?
So anyway, I tested today, just for fun and low and behold, it was positive. Like...really positive. I'm not dumb, I tested on the Answer tests (which runs about $2/test). I don't waste the digitals. Those suckers run about $6/test and using them gets pretty pricey, especially when you have screwy cycles. And, sometimes, the test line and control line are so close you need the digital to make the final decision. It's really more confusing than it should be. Who thought getting pregnant would be so complicated? So, since I had them, I double checked the result with the digital. Three LONG minutes later, up pops the little smiley face. :) Ah. Yes. Just what I wanted to see!

(^The smiley face means I have an LH rise on the top test. LH rise= Body gearing up to O
The bottom test is the Answer test. The test line is on the left, control on the right. The darker test line means the same as the smiley in the above test.)
There really was no point to this entry other than I AM OVULATING ALL BY MYSELF! YAY! This is huge news to us and we are both so excited. So we are off to do what people who are trying to get pregnant do ::nudge nudge wink wink:: I am really hoping this is our cycle and we get blessed with an extra sticky baby who stays with us for 40 weeks and a life time after that.

And for the fun disclaimer: I LOVE that so many of you (friends, family, nesties, etc) read this. I really do, but please respect this information and leave it on the blog. I am happy to answer any questions you may have and I will, as always, be as honest and blunt as possible. So don't ask if we are pregnant in two weeks. If we are, we will tell you here. We may wait a while to let anyone know next time just so we don't have to untell, but we may tell right off the bat. It just depends on where our hearts are at the time. We love you all very much and haven't had a problem with this yet, but I know people get excited and word spreads fast. Last time we had many people tell others who had no business knowing but forgot to untell them. Then I would run into them later and would have the awkward "we miscarried" conversation. It's not fun for anyone. So please respect our info and leave it all here!

We should be ashamed...

but we aren't...

Last night on the way home from the In-Laws house we were cruising the Sirius channels in the car...we could not contain ourselves when this gem on:

We both knew all the words. Every single one of them. I have an excuse. Aladdin was our dance production my last year at Backstage Dance Studio way back in the hay stack. I listened to that song over and over and over again for almost a year. Ben on the other hand...I have no explanation for his actions and ability to sing the entire song.

For $12 a month, that 3 minutes was so worth it. I don't think we have laughed that hard since...well...probably the way down to the In-Laws when this came on:

Click Me

I die laughing when that comes on. Rick Rolling my brother on the way to Charlotte a few weeks ago was one of the highlights of my life. Bwahahaha. Watch your back if you know me. I will Rick Roll you if you aren't watching.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

2009: The Year of Miracles

As I have said before, my uncle Thom said 2009 would be the year of miracles and I am so excited to see what this year has in store for me and Ben and our families.

We went to Outback for dinner last night (Thanks for the gift card, Johnna!) and we both drank too much (ok, I drank too much) and had a great meal. We just talked and laughed and it was almost like we were our old selves. It was just really nice. Then we walked around the mall and headed home for the night and like true twenty somethings, we went to bed at 9pm.

As for our quest for another baby, Ben and I decided to take a break from actively trying this cycle. I am using OPK's every now and then, but not like I should and we are still...enjoying each others company if ya know what I mean (my mom reads this blog...I don't want to humiliate her!), but other than that we are just enjoying our time together and my break from school. I have honestly not missed charting. Waking up at 7am, every day of the mother effing week gets old and I tend to obsess over my chart at times so I welcomed this break.
Part of me is so excited to get pregnant again and have the baby we were meant to have. But the other 49% of me has been so scared. What if it happens again? The first lost was so hard and devastating. I really don't think you will ever understand it unless you went through one yourself. I think the first one was so hard because we didn't see it coming. At least if it does happen again, I will know what to expect...right?
I have spent a long time praying about the whole thing and asking God to bless us (again) with another baby and to see us through a 40 week pregnancy. After spending a long time last week talking to God on my way home from work I had this in my email inbox from a great blog reader (Thanks, you know who you are!) and it really reframed my focus:

The will of God will never take you to where the grace of God cannot protect you
My desire for a baby of my own is stronger than my fear of another loss

" Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths" Proverbs 3:5-6

It's exactly what I needed to hear at exactly that moment. It's funny how prayers are answered sometimes.

So here's to 2009. We learned a lot in 2008 and have come so far as a couple. Hopefully this year has some amazing blessings in store for us :)