Saturday, November 22, 2008

Relapse.

Very long story short:
I went to a Tastefully Simple party last night thrown by a very good friend of mine. I knew ahead of time people would be bringing their babies. At the time I thought nothing of it, and moved on. I see babies every day. No biggie. Let's have a party.

Oooooh no. As soon as people started arriving with their babies, I could feel my chest tighten. The someone, who I'm sure was just asking an innocent question, asked when I would find out the sex....and I had to explain that I had miscarried (which probably would not have been that bad if I hadn't been asked that BOTH the previous days ::headdesk::). I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I made up some B.S. excuse about Ben being sick and jetted out the door. I didn't even make it off the porch before I 100% fell apart. I sobbed. Hard. Harder than I have in a very long time. I called Ben, who, as usual, was amazing and talked me through it all. Then I called my mom and fell apart again. I finally made it home and went straight to bed. I slept for 13 hours (more sleep than I usually get in a WEEK).

So today I have been in a funk all day. I feel like people are forgetting about Buddha. I'm desperate for people to remember him. He is still very much a part of me and I will never forget him. I think about him every day. I see him around me all the time. But everyone else has forgotten. No one calls anymore to ask how I am. No one sends me an email asking how I'm doing or to talk about him. It's like he only existed in my world and that breaks my heart.

I feel like I am starting to grieve all over again. We have to start trying to conieve all over again. I have to start charting and testing everyday and monitoring every single thing I put in my body. It Sucks. I should be almost 20 weeks pregnant right now. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I should be ordering our nursery furniture and registering for our shower, NOT starting over. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's getting harder. I constantly find me reminding myself that this is all a part of a bigger plan. I know when we finally hold our baby in a hospital room someday, it will mean so much more to us because we have gone through so much more to get to that point.


Even when you're old, I'll take care of you. Even when your hair turns gray, I'll support you. I made you and will continue to care for you. I'll support you and save you.
Isaiah 46:4

6 comments:

AmandaHoyt said...

Oh, Cate, I totally know what you're feeling. It hurts - still hurts - and it's been 7m3w6d since my angel went to heaven. My heart breaks for you. Just know that I'm praying for peace and rest for you during this time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amanda

Danse said...

::hugs::

sulfababy said...

*hugs*
Still praying for you.

momqat said...

Little Catiebug,
I haven't forgotten your Buddha. I walk through stores and see cute Christmas baby outfits and my heart breaks, too. Buddha was and always will be my first grandbaby. I miss him too. I still believe in my heart that there is a little red haired baby coming your way. I pray for you and Ben several times every day.
I love you better than a fat kid loves cake!

Blair said...

I am so sorry, Cate. I remember Buddha with much affection & think of you often, although I know I don't say it enough.

Julie said...

I just want you to know that I think of you and little baby Buddha all the time -- and I'm sorry I haven't thought to mention it to you more!

-Julie