Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Pray for Baby Stellan

Please keep Baby Stellan in your prayers! He makes his big debut tomorrow and as of right now, no one really knows what to expect. Click below to follow their amazing story.

I can't imagine what they are going through and hope we never have to, but God is in control and already knows how things will plan out. Please keep them close in your prayers.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Spiritual food for thought

Now may God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace as you believe, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

I have so much to update on, but never seem to find the time!

Anyway, that verse really touched me this week and has brought so much joy and peace to my heart, just as it promises. I have turned so much over to God and am learning to let things go and fall into place according to His plan.

But it isn't easy.

As always, I'm a constant work in progress.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Just so you know...We made it!

I did not end up punching Ben in the face today. He deserved it today...but he escaped my wrath.

Lucky boy.

In other news, WE MADE IT! We hit our one year wedding anniversary on Monday! For those who said the first year was the hardest...eh...it wasn't that hard. We did live together for 5 months before the wedding (GASP!) so that did help; we were already used to the other one's quirks and habits by the time the wedding rolled around. But really, the first year was awesome. We traveled some (not as much as we wanted to, but still), bought our first home together, adopted (another) dog, laughed a lot, fought a little bit less than we laughed, went on dates, shared lazy Saturday's around the house, held hands, single handedly supported Starbucks (well...me more than him), watched a billion movies, had screaming chases through the house (usually ending with me getting tackled), painted and decorated the house, shared sweet private moments, public not so sweet moments, had our highest highs and our lowest lows. But it was awesome.

I love Ben more than I ever thought I could love someone. I trust him more than I ever thought possible. When I am tired, having a rough day, sick, bitchy, being a pain in the hind end or rockin some serious bed head he still loves me. He compliments me. We fit together. We match. We just work. We don't make sense together but we work. I love him to the end. Even when he leaves his socks under the recliner, Diet Coke cans all over the den and hair in the sink. I love him. He drives me absolutely insane, but I can't imagine loving him any more than I do right now. Funny thing is, I said that last year at our wedding and in a years time, my love for him has multipled by millions.

Our marriage is not perfect by any stretch, but we never put on that it is- and that's what gets me. It shocks people when we admit that we are not perfect in many ways. Heads spin, Exorcist style. The fact that it shocks them, shocks me. No marriage is perfect. If it is, someone isn't being honest. Marriage is hard, it takes work and patience and honesty and trust and love and commitment and compassion and understanding and forgiveness.

We know a couple and all we ever hear is "Oh, they are so happy." "Oh they never fight." "Oh ____ treats _____ like royalty." "Their marriage is perfect."

Really? People buy that when they say it? Methinks someone isn't being honest. Methinks it's easier to say "Oh we are so happy, everything is perfect." than it is to say "Ya know, we are having a rough time." or "Marriage is harder than I thought it would be." It's easier to push it under the rug than it is to be honest. There is NO shame in saying marriage is hard. It is. Life it hard. But is it so hard that I don't think the difficult times are worth it? No, not by a long shot.

My grandparents have been married for.....well....a long time. (Help me out here mom, 65 years?) When I call her and rant and rave about how Ben is driving me nuts and how crazy he makes me, she just sits there and laughs. Then she always says "Isn't it wonderful!?" And she's right. It is wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way. My grandad did the same things to her that Ben does to me. My dad did the same things to my mom that Ben does to me. But, as I said, my grandparents have been married to each other for ~65 years. My parents are going to be hitting their 30th(!) wedding anniversary this coming January. Obviously, something about this crazy system works. When I do call my Ma or my mom, they have no sympathy or pity. They have been there, so they just laugh. I do, too.

Marriage is a challenge, but I love every minute of it. Even the not so great ones.

Ben- I love you to the moon and back and to the moon again. I couldn't have asked for a better person to spend my life with and I can't imagine a day without you. I can't wait to see what the next year, five years, ten years, FIFTY years holds for us.

I love being on this adventure with only you.

Nom nom nom!

If you are like me, you have zero time to get dinner together. You want something with some nutritional value, but between school, work, kids, running a household, errands, and the 8999 other things that take up your day, it leaves little time. So. I am going to post some of our favorite quick dinner ideas. I am a really picky eater, so hopefully you can use some of these.

Super Easy Chicken Parmesan

You will need:
1 Box Whole Wheat Pasta (we happened to have Rotini on hand, so that is what we used)
1 Jar Newman's Own Pasta Sauce (I love their Roasted Onion and Garlic, but any will do)
2 Tyson Chicken Breast patties (There are 2 of us, so I use 2 patties- one for each of us)

Preheat the oven and bake the chicken patties.
Boil the pasta for about 10 minutes.
Heat the sauce.
Follow the pictures below.

Put the pasta on a plate and add sauce.

Place 1 Chicken Patty on top

Top with Low Fat Cheese

Add whole wheat garlic bread and a quick salad and serve!

Ideally I would use grilled or baked skinless chicken breasts, but that takes about 25 minutes longer than this did and I was in a real time crunch. Since there are only 2 of us, we have TON of left overs! Nothing is better than left over pasta, so I will probably be having this for lunch at some point this weekend. I always use whole wheat pasta because I am a fan of complex carbs as opposed to refined carbs and it fills me up faster, so I eat less. I also only use Newmans' Own pasta sauce because it has no MSG, uses whole ingredients and they give all of their procceeds to charity (for more info, click here). Plus, I think it tastes great, so why not use it?

For great left overs, chop up a green pepper, onion, mushrooms, whatever you like and add them to the mix!

Dig in!

Chances are....

Ben will be getting punched in the face today.

We're talking better than 50/50 odds here, people.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paraplegic Vs. Infertile

Since this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, I am going to try and post some entries that are relevant to the cause. I LOVED this the first time I read it. Ben and I have not had to go through IF (infertility) treatments as of yet, so we are lucky, but so many others have. So keep the following things in mind whenever you are talking to someone about pregnancy. They may be going through so much more than you realize.

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. (OK interupting here. I totally disagree with this one. I know for some women this can be a hard thing to hear. But for me it's comforting to know that God does have a plan for me and I want things to happen in His timing anyway. So while the waiting is difficult. I know it will be worth it in the end and that God is taking me through this to teach me and cause me to grow. Now back to your regularly scheduled post.) Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.

I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!

I Will Carry You

The lyrics to this song hit my heart hard today. Last week was rough. I had some good days, but two pretty rough days. I had to keep coming back to my own blog and reading my own advice. When Ben would leave for work, I would cry. I would feel sorry for myself. As you can tell from the previous post, I was just a touch bitter. I really questioned God on Thursday. I missed Buddha. I talked to him my entire way to school (an hour) on Thursday afternoon and never ran out of things to say. My heart was so heavy and hurting and broken.

Then today, I went to read one of the blogs I have been following for a long time. The blog chronicles a couple, Angie and Todd Smith and the loss of their daughter, Audrey Caroline. If you are in need of inspiration, click here. They also lost a child, but have inspired me and fill me with so much hope and promise for the future. I would read her blog in the past, but never fully understand the capacity of what she was dealing with until we went through it. After we lost our Buddha, I would go back and read her entries after they lost their Audrey over and over again. I would pray over my laptop for her strength.

One entry really touched me because I felt the same way over and over again. She needed answers in the same way I do. I need to know what happened. What went wrong? But we won't ever know. I will never have an answer. Ever. That sits heavy on my heart. She says she can deal with anything as long as it can be Googled. Truer words could not have come out of my mouth. I could single handedly keep Google up and running. I kept reading. I read this part more times than I can count:

It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. He knows.
And He only has one request. Bring it right to me, Angie. Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me. Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me. When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all. Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

I took her name out and entered mine or else it wouldn't have made sense. God knows where Ben and I are sitting right now. He has been in my shoes. He knows it is not fun, but He also knows there is something to learn out of this.

In an interview I watched that Angie and Todd did (I swear, I am not an internet stalker) Angie says she always needs a Plan B. Me too. I keep watching. She goes on to say God has no Plan B. He doesn't need one. He knows the plans he has for each one of us. She had to accept the fact that she may have wanted her baby to have a long healthy life, but God always planned for her to live for two and a half hours. That is always the way it was meant to be.


We wanted Buddha forever. God wanted us to have him for 9 weeks. We loved him enough for a lifetime in those 9 weeks but we still needed him longer. But that was not in the cards for us. Now, I see the lesson God had in store for us. We needed this lesson. Patience and understanding are places we lack in sometimes. And Buddha. He touched so many people. He taught so many so much. He gave me an insight to a peace and understanding I could have never imagined otherwise. God carried me with so much more love than I could have ever carried Buddha with, which is hard for me to grasp. The lyrics to "I Will Carry You" (which is also on my play list now) touched my heart. I couldn't have said it any better. I will continue to be faithful. I will continue in my prayers. I will continue to seek a peace I have yet to arrive at. I know it's there, I just haven't found it yet.

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

If you are interested in seeing the interviews I watched, here are the links: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3.

I hate to learn so much from other people's pain and personal tragedy, but I do. I learn from personal experiences that I relate to. I hope that one person finds some sort of comfort or insight from my writings, but if no one ever does, I get plenty of therapy from writing here.

And after all, it is all about me sometimes. ;)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, October 17, 2008

Maybe I'm cold and heartless

but I feel little sympathy for pregnant women. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up for that gig. I didn't feel fantastic when I was pregnant, but I never complained. It seems like complaining is all some people can do.


Appreciate it. Appreciate what is going on in your body right now. I would be willing to spend 9 months with my head in the toilet to have what you have right now.

/end Bitter Betty rant.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Green Light

So today was my follow up appointment for my D&C. I was super nervous before going, I just had this lingering bad feeling in my stomach. I did some hard praying for a few days. I knew we could not take another road block or set back right now.

God listened.

Everything was great! I FINALLY got a negative home pregnancy test which means my levels are back down or are close to zero. AWESOME. I was so happy. The PA we met with is the same one I saw through my entire pregnancy and she knows me the best. All of my questions and concerns were answered above and beyond my expectations. We were given the green light to go back to our regular routine (exercise, work, sex-yay!). We are allowed to start trying again whenever we feel ready. Now for the disclaimer.

PLEASE do not ask either one of us when we are going to start trying again. It's none of your business. We may start right away, we may have decided to wait 6 months or a year, we may have decided not to try again at all. It's none of your business. Don't ask. Don't hint. If you need to know, I will tell you, but right now Ben is really the only other person who needs to know. Don't ask if I'm pregnant, don't ask if we are trying, don't ask if we like babies, don't ask if we are planning a family, don't ask if we are having unprotected sex. DON'T. ASK.

I know that probably came off as harsh, but it really is a personal decision that Ben and I have made together and we don't need anyone else's input.

So...God is awesome and answers prayers. Keep the faith, even in the darkest storms. He will provide the answers for you if you put your faith in Him. Trust me, this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I myself have a difficult time with it sometimes. We will ALWAYS get answers, sometimes they aren't the ones we wanted or expected, but they are the ones that are right for us and are a part of His divine plan. Our God is just and will provide for you. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. Keep the faith.

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

~Mercy Me

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dear Buddha

Hi baby. Today is a day that is totally set aside to remember and honor you and I couldn't think of a better way to spend the day.
Your dad and I miss you so much. We think about you everyday. We are so, so proud of you! I get this overwhelming feeling of pride when someone asks me about the necklace your dad got me. I get to tell them I have a sweet angel baby looking over me from Heaven. They are always so sad when I tell them and I tell them not to be. You are in Heaven! You are so lucky! My grandma and your daddy's dad and grandpa were there to meet you and take care of you. They are awesome people and I am sure you are having a blast with them. I never got to meet your daddy's dad or grandpa but he talks about them all the time and I hear they are great people. Part of me is jealous! I want to know them too! Someday I will, but not before I meet you and cover you in big hugs and kisses. I can not wait for that day but still have lots of living left to do here with your dad first.

I miss you so much, Buddha. I cry every time I write in this blog, but today I am not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I am so happy for you. You got to skip this Earth and go straight to Heaven! You had such an impact on so many people here. You taught me so much in just a short time. You made me a stronger person. Everyday, you warm my heart in a way that no one else can. You were an amazing baby and so many people were excited to meet you, but all of those people are so happy for you right now and are remembering you today.

Someday you will have a brother or a sister. It's going to be your job to look over them and protect them. I know it's a big job but I know you can do it!

I can't say enough how proud I am of you. I love you so, so much and your dad and I miss you and think about you everyday. Every time I touch my necklace, I'm sending a hug hug to you, I hope you get them all!

I love you to the moon and back, Buddha,

Your Proud Momma

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Tomorrow, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Please remember to light your candles at 7pm (your time, NOT EST) and say a prayer for those we have lost and those who have lost. For more information, go to the following link:
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.

Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.

On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.

We miss you, Buddha.

The Woman and The Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that=2 0when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conve rsation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would
not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear, they share a word of praise , and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share ..

I found this on another blog and it really touched me. It is so true, the best really is yet to come and I can't wait to find out what is in store for us!
God Bless!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Encouraging Words.

Okay. I have thought of this entry frontwards and backwards and inside out. There is no way really to sum up everything I want to say in a blogger entry. There just isn't enough space and I don't have the energy to type it all. I wish I did. Let's start from the top. The following is a guideline of MY emotions and feelings regarding our miscarriage and how I dealt with it. Please note, not everyone deals with it this way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but this is what helped me.When it happened to me, I wish I had had more of a frame of reference as to what to expect. You can find that in the following.

The loss of a child sucks. I said it. You can quote me. It SUCKS. I hated it and still do to this day. Nothing compares to it. It doesn't matter when your loss is. An early loss like a chemical pregnancy sucks just a bad as a late term loss-just in a different way.

When the tech says they can't find a heartbeat, your world stops. It literally feels like they reached into your chest, ripped your heart out, threw it and stomped on it on the ground right in front of you. You want to get out. You want to be anywhere but in that room at that moment. I know. I've been there. You want to scream. You want them to take it back. You want to punch the ultrasound tech. You literally see your entire world fall apart in your lap. You are sad. You cry. I sobbed. Snotty, red faced sobbed. I couldn't believe just a week ago I had been on the same table watching our babies heart beat away. You think maybe they made a mistake. Surely they were mistaken. This is not happening to you. You weigh out the reasons quickly why these things do not happen to people like you. You panic.

I've been there. I'm so, so sorry if you were ever there yourself. But I promise you. It gets better.

Then you meet with the Doctor. I am so, so lucky and have a doctor who is amazing and so helpful and caring and compassionate, traits that can be hard to find in a good doctor. They go over what has happened, statistics, causes, etc.They let you cry and get it out and empathize with you. Then, they drop the bombshell. You have to have surgery. Shit. (At least, that is what ran through my head.) You were NOT planning on this. I had heard of D&C's before but never in a million years thought I would have one. Shit shit shit. You do NOT need this right now. They will talk you through the procedure, start to finish the procedure takes about 20 minutes, but when you factor in blood work and paper work and 29498300 questions they will ask you before hand and what not and the time you will be in recovery, it quickly turns into a full half day festival of fun. You really do need to take a few days off though, more for the emotional aspect that the physical. My OB is amazing and wrote me a note for work and school which gave me about 10 days off, more if I needed it. This was such a blessing. The last thing I wanted to do was go deal with people and answer 30853 questions. I needed time before jumping feet first back into my life. I freaked when he said D&C. I don't do well under anesthesia. I don't like needles. I don't like the idea of surgery. I hate it, in fact. So, wanting to be a good, well informed patient, I asked what my other options were. He told me my body was not recognizing this as a failed pregnancy. It was not accepting that fact (neither was I, to be honest). The chances of miscarrying on my own between Monday and Thursday was NOT likely. Shit again. He could prescribe me some medications that would force my body to miscarry but he said it would be much harder on me physically and emotionally and if not all of the tissues and sac passed, they would still have to do a D&C anyway. Not being a gambling person and knowing luck doesn't tend to sway my way in medical situations, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C. They let us out through the back entrance so I wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room full of pregnant women, which was so kind. Having an awesome Dr. made all the difference in some situations. And you go home. With your dead baby. Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I promise, what is next is the darkest part. It gets better. You don't have to believe me yet but I swear it gets better.

"What's next?" you might ask. The really fun part. You cry. You have to call allllll of those people you just got to tell you were pregnant and tell them you were just kidding. I had my mom take care of this part because I knew I emotionally couldn't. Word spreads fast, especially in my family. Then the phone calls start. I, personally, did not take any of them. My mom or Ben did it for me. I didn't want to have to admit our baby was gone. I just told them to tell people to pray for us. Pray hard. I needed prayer (and a good stiff drink). I spent the days before my D&C being a real bitch. I shut down. I snapped at people who were trying to help. I shot dirty looks at undeserving people (sorry if I shot you one!), I yelled at the dogs for being dogs. I just hurt. I hurt in the very bottom of my soul and didn't know how to deal with that hurt. I spent a lot of time in our bed. Sulking. Being angry. Being sad. I spent a lot of time begging God to fix this. I begged Him to make this right. And if this wasn't in His plan for me, show me what His plan was. And fast. I was sinking. Ben would hold me and I would sob so hard it would make me sick. I didn't eat. I didn't really do anything to be honest (other than be a raging bitch). If you are like me, you already had baby stuff. What do you do with it? We had just bought a Peg Perego stroller and bedding the day before. What do we do with it? My mom put all of it away for me so I wouldn't have to see it. I didn't want to take any of it back. I love all of it and still have plans to use it eventually. And then I cried some more. I never,ever wanted to even think about getting pregnant again. I was not risking this pain again. And then some more. And a little more after that. Then sulked, kicked the dog (not really!), watched terrible daytime television (somehow everything I watched that day had a pregnant woman in it. AWESOME). I cursed my body for failing me. I cried. I prayed. Cried a little bit more. Prayed. Cried. Took a shower. Cried. Emptied the trash can. Cried. Prayed. (Are you seeing a pattern?) Then it started getting easier. I smiled. Then felt guilty for smiling when I had just lost our baby. Getting dressed and putting on make up, as silly as that sounds, really helped. Going out was theraputic. We went out to Chinese for lunch. We went to Target (for the first time in a long time I steered of the baby section). We went for ice cream (a little known cure-all for the blues). We hung out. I still cried but found myself laughing and smiling. The night time was the hardest. Everything gets still and you are left alone with your thoughts and the darkness. I didn't sleep all week-even with a Rx Ambien (I didn't sleep on Ambien because I was sure if I did, I would eat everything in the fridge and drive my car in my sleep. As I said, things in these situations don't tend to favor me).

Even still, I promise you, it gets better. You may want to call me a big fat liar at this point, but it gets easier.

And then surgery day comes. I have chronicled this part before (here and again in a little more detail here ) so I will skip for this entry. But it sucks. It starts as the hardest day, emotionally. You know it is over. Even though your baby is gone, a weird part of you wants to keep it with you and protect it. I have never been able to explain and probably won't ever be able to. Then you have surgery. That's the easy part. Then you go through recovery. My story is an exception to the rule (told ya, medical situations hate me). Most people feel good enough to return to work the next day. Then, by the end of the day, you feel your spirits lift just a little, like 1/2 an inch. You have been given closure and a touch of hope is restored to your life. It still sucks. I was still a touch bitter, but I started to feel like the first brick in the road to getting back to normal (whatever that was) had been laid. When you bleed, it is a stabbing reminder of what you lost. The clots you will pass will be disturbing. And I don't tell you that to freak you out, but it's the truth. I continued to beg people for prayer and prayed so hard for myself. I didn't pray for anyone else for a few days. I kept them all for myself. Call me greedy. I dare you. ;)

And I can still sit here and promise you, it gets better.

Now I am a little more than 2 weeks post D&C. I feel great. For the most part. My body feels like it has gone back to normal. I FINALLY got a negative home pregnancy test which means all of the pregnancy hormone is out of my system (yay!). Going back to school and work was great (except for that one minor speedbump). It helped keep my mind busy and occupied. I did e-mail all my professors and asked them to tell people I did not want to talk about any of this when I returned to school unless I brought it up. No one mentioned it. A few people told me they were praying for me and that was it. Knowing I still had people praying for me was a great feeling; I really, honestly do believe in the healing power of prayer. Ben bought me a necklace that helps me remember Buddha and keep him close to my heart. My mom got me a memory box that has all our paperwork and ultrasound pics and other things that remind me of Buddha. I don't look at it to be sad, I look at it to remind myself what a special thing I had with me for such a short time. I look at it and am proud of our Buddha. I look at it and think of how happy he must be in heaven with my grandma and Ben's dad. I look at it and am hopeful for what future siblings we will have for Buddha. I look at it and am so thankful our children will always have an angel looking over them.

I still cry. I still have my sad moments. But now they are few and farther between. I try to focus on moving forward and what God has in store for our future. I try to stay positive. I remember that I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do promise, though you may be at the bottom of the bottom of the pile right now, it gets easier. To someone who may read it who is going through it, I honestly want them to know that I know it sucks and it is hard but there will come a time when you don't think about it every second of every day. And you will be able to go to sleep without sobbing so hard you get sick at night. And you will laugh at something, even something small again. And it's ok to be pissed. I want you to know it's ok to be totally irrational and insane but it's also ok to be weak and vulnerable. And it's ok to hate every pregnant woman you see. And it's ok to sulk and be a grouch. But it all passes and you become a much stronger person with a much more open view of things.

This whole situation has been a learning and challenging experience, but it has taught us so much and brought me and Ben so much closer together than I ever thought we could be. A situation like this can turn your world upside down. It can ruin a perfect marriage. It can shake your faith right down to the roots. You have to know where you stand and be firm in your marriage and within yourself or this can totally break you and wear you down to the core. But it doesn't have to. It can make you stronger and more aware. It can make you look at everything in a different light. The new light isn't better or worse, it's just different.

I don't think I am better or smarter than anyone because we lost a child but I do think I have a perspective that many people will never have access to. I realize everyone isn't religous. I realize not everyone has faith. I am definetly not in church as much as I should be but I am solid in my relationship with God and I know where I stand with him. My faith helped me through this and if you don't have faith, that is fine by me. My husband, my family, kind thoughts, e-mails, cards, crappy daytime tv, ice cream and afternoon naps also got me through this. My faith just helped me along.

If you need more help, e-mail me (catiebug68@hotmail.com). I'm not a thearpist. I'm hold no degree in counseling or therapy of any sort. But I've been there. I have real life experience that you can't get from most professionals. I'll help you the best I can.

So all in all, it gets better. It gets easier. It takes time. Be honest with yourself. If you need help, get help. If you need to cry, then cry. It's amazing how cleansing it can be. If you want to scream at someone....hm....well...I guess scream at someone. If you just happened to be in my way, you got screamed at, which was not fair to some people. So be careful who you scream at. I wish there was some other way I could make you believe me because if someone had told me this when I was going through it, I probably would have called them (re:screamed at) a liar.

Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you. :)

I'm coming back

I promise, that was just part one. For those who have miscarried, I have a positive, insightful post coming for you TONIGHT! Hang in there!
Right now, the mall is calling my name and I am too dumb to say no!

Helpful Words

This may end up being a two part entry because it's addressed to two different groups of people-those who have miscarried and those who haven't.

I'll start with those who haven't. There really is no way to write this entry and NOT sound like a raging, bitter bitch, but I can assure you, that is not me. I am guilty of saying a lot of the things below in the past and not realizing how hurtful it can be to others. We know you mean well when you say these things, but it sometimes makes it worse. Here is what you DON'T say/ask/mention:

"Well, you are young."
"Well...I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"You can have another one." (My personal favorite)
"God has a plan for you."
"If there was something wrong, it's probably better that you miscarried."
"When are you going to try again?"
"Next time, just relax."

I know each of those statements are true, but when you are grieving, they aren't helpful. They hurt. They cut you to the core. I am aware that we are young, but that doesn't mean we weren't ready for this. It may not have been meant to be, but when that pink line shows up on that test or when you see that flickering little heartbeat, it sure feels like it is. I know we can have another, but we really wanted that one. Also, I know God has a plan for me (click here) but in your darkest hour, it is really, really hard to see that plan. And when you say it's probably better that I miscarried than have a child with special needs, really. How dare you. Especially when you know I work in that field. I would never choose to have a child with special needs (no one does) I would have loved that child just as much as a typical child. Don't ask us when we are going to try again. Let us heal from this loss and mourn this child. Then we will talk about it. Here's the kicker. Just relax. I want to punch everyone who says this. It is so insensitive and heartless. I am not even going to bother explaining it because it makes me so mad. I will post an entry on Infertile vs. Paraplegic and you may understand. If you don't, then that is your own ignorance.

So what do you say? Nothing makes it right or takes away the pain, so why even bother.
"I'm sorry."
"I'll be praying for you."
"You are in my thoughts."

That's it. That is all that ever needs to be said. I coveted prayers during that time I like I have never coveted anything before in my entire life. I needed them. I had to have them. They got me through and got me to a much better place. If the person isn't religious, then just say you are thinking of them. Thoughts can be just as helpful as prayers. Just be there. Send a card. My family from Ohio sent us a card that arrived about a week after our D&C. It was so thoughtful and helpful and just nice of them to think of us and send us a card. It's like having a physical representation of all their thoughts and prayers and love right there in our hands. It was nice not to have to say anything back, which is why I didn't want phone calls after our loss. I couldn't talk about it without breaking down so a card or email is a great way to not put a person in that position. Some people like phone calls. I am just not one of those people. I tucked their card into Buddha's memory box and it is one of the most meaningful things in there (other than our ultrasound pictures). Remember the mother on Mother's Day and the father on Father's Day. Just because they aren't holding their baby, it doesn't mean they aren't parents.

So, having said that, I hope I didn't offend anyone but at the same time, I don't really care if I did. People need to know these things and be aware of them. Miscarriages are so common and people need to know what to say and what not to say, what to do and what to avoid at all costs.
I don't care if you copy and paste this to an email or print it out, but use it as a frame of reference if you are ever in this situation, God forbid.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I admit it.

I have crushes on the weirdest celebrities. I do. It's strange. But they all follow the same pattern. They are all funny, chubby dorks. Johnny Depp, George Clooney and Brad Pitt are all fantastic, attractive me. I like them. I like their movies, but not in the way I like other celebrities.

Seth Rogan. I adore him. Ben knows this. Ben knows I watch Superbad and Knocked Up every time they are on the movie channels because I am in love with him. He's ok with it. He knows I am not going anywhere. But still...I can't help it.

He's funny, witty and personable. I like it. He reminds me a lot of Ben which is probably why I do have such a crush on him. It's silly, really. Drew Carey also used to be on my list but is barely hanging on now because Seth Rogan has taken over my top 5 spots. It doesn't leave much room for anyone else.

And in all fairness, Ben is in love with Scarlett Johansson, who is much more physically attractive than the above.

2/3 of 1/2 of 1/3

Soon after Ben and I moved in together, we quickly learned that the full size bed we were sleeping in was NOT going to work. I sprawl out when I sleep and Ben tends to do the same, which means one of us was waking up with their head on the night stand. So we made our first big purchase together (aside from the dogs). A bed.

We set off to the mattress store. We had a goal. We were going to buy the cheapest queen size mattress they had. We were strong in what we wanted. No salesman was going to change our minds.

Two hours and two thousand dollars later we left Mattress Warehouse with a delivery set up for the following day. A Cali-king Laura Ashely top of the line mattress was going to be delivered. An expensive big bed somehow replaced a cheap queen bed in a matter of minutes. I am STILL to this day trying to figure out how this happened, and I think I may have figured it out this morning.

When we bought that mattress, we had two dogs. Marley, the boxer, who sleeps outside in his dog house (ENTIRELY his choice-he goes freaking ballistic if you try to make him sleep inside) and Roxanne, the English Bulldog, who sleeps in her crate or she will pee on you in the middle of the night. We didn't have to share the bed with anyone but each other. It was perfect. We could snuggle for a bit and then return to our respective sides of the bed and spread out. I have never gotten better sleep.

But God knew something we didn't. He knew we would adopt Boston, the rescue boxer, just 8 months later. He knew Boston would not accept sleeping on the floor. He knew Boston would enter our lives and think we bought this over sized, expensive, luxury mattress JUST for him. He thinks it is our job to tuck him in every night and fluff his pillows-which I admit is partly our fault. We created this monster. At first, it was hilarious. We had never in our lives seen a dog who sleeps in a bed JUST like a human does! It was freaking hilarious. Now...not so much. For Ben.

Here's the silver lining for me. Boston LOVES Ben. Loves him. Adores him. Goes where Ben goes. Does what Ben does. He can't function if Ben isn't around. When Ben leaves, Boston waits on the tile by the front door waiting for him to come home. It's pitiful. Me? Eh. Boston could live without me. He only likes me when I have food. So when it comes time for bed, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants to snuggle Ben. And by snuggle, I mean sleep on top of him. I settle into my roomy half of the bed and spread out. Ben and Boston have to share his half. When I say share, I really mean Boston takes the bottom 2/3 of Ben's 1/2 of the bed and leaves Ben crammed into the remaining top 1/3 of his 1/2 (you do the math). Ben is a big guy sleeping in a space smaller than a crib.

I lay on my spacious half of the bed and chuckle. I love that Boston loves Ben.

Ben and Boston demonstrate their love for each other.
Ben and Boston at his mom's house. They are ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


I love him. I really do. We have something that so many people can only dream of finding and I am so, unbelievably blessed to have him in my life. I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day who is still looking for her Mr. Right and she asked me what it was about Ben that made me know he was The One. At first I didn't know. What was it about him that made him stand out from the rest? His stunning good looks? His high power job? His large bank account? What was it? So I started to brain storm as I sat in (a rather boring) lecture and managed to come up with the following list, which doesn't even begin to cover how amazing and special he is to me.

1. I love when he laughs. It is such a sincere, hearty laugh and it makes me smile to even think about it.
2. He always offers me a bite of his food-even if we have the same thing or something he knows I don't like.
3. Sometimes when we are walking he puts his hand on the small of my back and pulls me a little closer to him. I gives me the warm fuzzies.
4. I love when he tickles me even though I act like I hate it. It is so silly and innocent, but so much fun.
5. When I don't feel good, he is totally lost and it is so funny. He always calls one of our mom's and asks for advice. He takes such good care of me when I'm sick and always makes me feel better.
6. His smile is crooked. And very cute.
7. When I get really mad and yell at him, he always yells back. I find this endearing.
8. He never lets me win. Sometimes I really hate this about him, but most of the time, I like it.
9. Ben is 6 feet tall. I'm 5'5 1/2. He tends to walk ahead of me at times. When I say something about it, he looks back at me and says "Hurry those short legs up!" Some people would find this mean, but I find it funny.
10. When he puts me in a head lock.
11. He buys me Disney movies. Even though they are for kids.
12. He always squeezes me extra tight before he falls asleep (I don't think he realizes this).
13. I love the way my head fits right in that nook between his neck and his shoulder. It's like it was meant for my head to go there.
14. When we go to the movies, he always lets me put my legs across his lap because he knows I hate sitting upright with my feet on the floor (I always sit on my feet).
15. He always lets me get whatever I want when we go to the movies or out to eat. Sometimes I get a diet coke AND popcorn AND candy. Cha ching!
16. He always compliments what I am wearing. I think I could wear something totally hideous and he would still tell me I look pretty.
17. He likes my cooking. When he really likes what I made, he talks about it all day. When he really, really likes it, he tells his mom about it.
18. Sometimes he watches Jon and Kate +8 with me. He agrees that Kate is a raging bitch with some serious control issues going on.
19. When he gets home from work in the morning he is always extra quiet and tries really hard to wake me up.
20. When he gets home from work, he always reminds me to take my temperature so I don't have to wake up to an alarm. He has learned just the right amount of consciousness I need in order to grab my thermometer and shove it in my mouth and still be able to go back to sleep. (For more information on charting click here)
21. When he watches soccer and his team scores, he slams the foot rest on the recliner down and usually swears and jumps around. It is so hilarious to watch.
22. He tries to help me with my school work. He knows very little about what I do, but he really tries to "get" it.
23. He really does get me. He gets why I get mad, what makes me happy, what makes me tick, what calms me down, what cheers me up, when to love me, when to leave me alone.
24. He sometimes brings me home candy. He knows I love it.
25. I love when he calls me at school or work just to see how my day has been.
26. He rubs the bottom of my back when I am sleepy because he knows it helps me fall asleep faster.
27. He (usually) lets me have the remote.
28. He never critiques my driving.
29. He always has to test my underwear by slapping my ass while I get ready. To make sure it fits, duh.
30. He thinks he stronger than me (not likely). I let him think that.

I will come back to this later, but it is almost 1 am and I have a packed day tomorrow. I have so much exciting new stuff to put on here, but have trouble finding the time! I promise, this weekend my goal is to update you will all of the other (exciting) things going on in our lives!

Thanks for the reminder!

We were sitting in class waiting for the professor to arrive. One of my friends and I were discussing how busy we have been and how crazy life is when this no-class, cracked out loser decided to chime in.

"Wait til you have your baby! Then you will see how busy life really is!"

EVERY ONE'S jaw dropped. While I was out she mentioned it to everyone and emailed everyone. She rearranged the syllabus so I wouldn't have to sit through the fetal development and birth and delivery discussions. She was pissed. She made sure everyone knew when I returned to school, I didn't want to talk about it. This girl was present for this. She got the email.

All I could do was say "Our baby died."

This in turn got me the most insincere, half assed "I'm sorry" I have ever heard.

Surprisingly, it didn't make me cry too hard. I teared up, but for the first time was able to regain my composure before anyone noticed. I was proud of myself. It was the first time I really hadn't fallen apart when I talked about Buddha or when someone mentioned him.

She sucks. She will NOT be invited to my birthday party.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blessings and Lessons...

The great thing about the Nest is you meet so many great women who really rally around each other and are like this anonymous support/gossip/snark/chitchat group. When you want to piss and moan about how your husband is driving you up a wall, they are there tell you what a stupid A-hole he is. But when you want to talk about how awesome and supportive that same husband is, they are there to praise his amazing works. And when you have great news that you can't share with anyone else, they are there to congratulate you. And when your world falls apart right in front of your eyes, they band together and see you through it and offer endless prayers and support that you can't get anywhere else. The "friendship" nesties have provided me is beyond what most of my close, "real life" friends have provided.
But the downfall is, when one of you hurts, everyone does. When someone miscarries, everyone cries. When someone loses their job, everyone feels that sting. When someone is having a bad day, everyone just wants to be there for them to hug them and offer them anything they think will make it better. I have seen so many nesties lose babies at a point in their pregnancy where most people start to feel "safe". It's heart breaking. It really is.

Today, one nestie delivered her son at full term. He lived 16 minutes before going Home. They knew he had some issues in utero but were praying so hard for a miracle. Anyone who knows her has been praying for her and her husband and their baby boy. I think we all had that glimmer of hope that God would heal his little body and let these parents take home a happy, healthy baby.
And that didn't happen.
(If you want to follow their story: http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/)
I sat in the library at school and cried to myself. I cried for her and her husband and their families. I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) how bad they are hurting at this moment. I cried for their baby. He will never have to hurt or suffer. He has gone to be with Jesus and will never know anything but a perfect, happy life.

And then I cried for myself. And Ben. And our Buddha. I felt totally selfish for crying over their grief. I felt stupid for crying over our loss, which to some (even me at times) pales in comparison to what they, and so many others, have been through.

We never had to make a decision as to whether or not we would keep our baby after finding out they had genetic disorders or something else was wrong.

We were spared.

God made that decision for us.

We agreed before we even got pregnant that for no reason would we terminate the pregnancy. We would see it through the end regardless what obstacles we were presented with. But we both knew it would still be a hard bridge to cross. We didn't have to have that conversation with each other. We didn't have to endure 30 weeks of uncertainty while waiting for our due date. I can not imagine how heart breaking that conversation must be, even if you already know the answer to the question at hand.

We didn't have to do that.

We didn't have to mill over the possibilities.

We were blessed.

We were spared.

God was looking over us. In our darkest hour, when we felt totally abandoned, we were being looked over and protected-we just didn't realize it yet. I firmly believe that God will never give you more than you can handle and He has a master plan for every single moment of our day. He knew we couldn't handle that conversation, so He made the decision for us.

It still hurts. We still miss Buddha. We still want him back. It is getting easier with time, but it is a long, bumpy narrow road. But now we are starting to realize how blessed we were and still are.
Though we tried longer than most to get pregnant, we were able to do so on our own.
That was a blessing.
We got the thrill of seeing our baby's heart pumping away on the ultrasound screen. So many people do not get that.
That was a blessing.
I didn't have a horrible miscarriage at home.
That was a blessing.
I have an AMAZING Doctor, who I can't say enough nice things about to be there for the physical aspect of this but also the emotional. He and his wife have had 5 miscarriages so they know the pain and heart break first hand.
His compassion was such a blessing.
My surgery was quick and the recovery was fairly easy (for the most part).
That was a blessing.
No damage was done to any of my reproductive organs that wasn't already present.
That was a blessing.
We will be able to try again for another baby when we are ready.
That is a blessing.
Someday, I have faith that we will have a happy, healthy baby.
We look forward to that blessing.
Our marriage survived this whole disaster. Our marriage was made stronger than ever through this. So many marriages don't survive these things.
That was a blessing I am truly thankful for.

I hate that I learned so much from someone else's pain. Especially in this situation. I hate that it took someone else's tragedy to show me all the blessings I am surrounded by.

Ben and I have both learned from this. We are stronger people. We are in a stronger marriage. We are both getting to a better place filled with understanding and acceptance. We are happy.

My heart breaks for Stacy, Spencer and their Angel Isaac. All of my prayers, even the ones reserved for myself and my family are headed your way tonight and in the days to come.

"God Blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Monday, October 6, 2008

Buddha's Rainbow...

Last Wednesday I had class. I didn't want to go. I really didn't feel ready to go back to THAT class. We talk about fetal development and pregnancy a lot and I just did.not.want.to.be.there. But, I sucked it up and went. Because I had to.
So I get to class and Surprise! We are having a test. I know it is my responsibility to check the syllabus, which I had done while I was out for the week, but it had totally slipped my mind (losing our baby kinda took over everything). But I was already there so I didn't really have a choice, so I took it. Again, much to my surprise, we were allowed to leave after our test. If you have ever met Dr. Graham (who I really can't say enough nice things about right now-she let me take all the time I needed and really made coming back to school much easier for me) she doesn't ever end class early. Given the chance to leave early, I jetted and didn't look back.
I had to park farther away that day than usual, but I really didn't care. It was beautiful outside. One of the nicest days I have seen in a long time. The breeze was just right. The sun was bright, but not blinding. It was a perfect 65 degrees. Just really amazing weather. After I loaded up my books into my car I just stood there for a minute and soaked it all in. I took a few deep, deep breaths and looked at the sky. I talked to Buddha for a minute then got in my car and headed home. I called Ben to let him know I was coming home and he told me to be careful because it was dark and stormy at our house. Eh...I didn't care. I headed home.
As I speed down I-64 I don't even make it to the 29th Street exit before the dark clouds come in. An odd part of me loved them as much as I did the beautiful weather I had just enjoyed. I felt like I connected more with the dark clouds. They got me. And then the skies opened up. It poured rain. I slowed from 75 to 60 mph. Then, just as quickly as it started, it stopped. I desperately wanted the rain to come back. It just felt good to see the ugly clouds and rain. It felt right. It fit me. I needed the rain.
A very dear friend of mine sent me this poem the week before:
Oh Father, My Father

Close your eyes and feel me near
keep me inside your heart
let me live in your soul
you see though tears
the things we will never do
running across fields of my youth
games never played
but it is not gone
those dreams you hold so close
for I live on in every child you see
little ones standing alone...lost
or laughing in a playground
swinging so high
touching the tree tops
that is I
wanting just to love
feel my happiness in the song of a bird
see my sorrows in mother
hold her close forever
feeling your strength
for there will be one to come behind me
whether through God's grace or
from a different calling
a child chosen through his hand.
For in darkness, a light will appear
even if its just the dawn
signaling a new beginning
and as you gather my mother to your heart
release your tears
let the healing begin
and discover that I am here
in your dreams
in your tomorrows
Evey rainbow is the path home
and if you should stumble
I am the wings that shall lift you.

Love, your child

Every rainbow is a path home. I read that line over and over and over again when I received the poem. I prayed I would see a rainbow so I would know our Buddha had made it to his forever home. But I knew the chances of that were rare. I have seen less than 3 rainbows in my entire life and I am 24 years old. I bookmarked the poem on my laptop and moved on.
And then, there it was. The biggest, boldest brightest rainbow I have ever seen. It was unreal. It was right in front of me. I had to pull over.

I cried. Hard. I called Ben and made him promise not to take me to the loony bin when I got home. I snapped a million pictures with my cell phone, even though my professional camera was in the backseat. I just sat there and looked at it. I didn't want it to go away. I wanted to sit there forever with Buddha's rainbow. And in that moment, I got an inner peace I had been begging and asking and pleading God to send me. A tiny section of my heart that I thought was going to be cold and black forever melted. This was God telling me he had our Buddha and he was safe.
I still cry as I sit here and type this because that moment was so real for me. I would give my left arm (since I don't use it much anyway) to have just a second of that moment back.

The next day, the necklace with our due date and Buddha's birthstone Ben ordered for me the day after we lost our baby arrived. And again, a part of my heart that I thought would be cold forever melted away. I know it is just a necklace. A piece of metal attached to a chain. But to be it is so much more than that. It is the only connection I have to a child I never got to have. It sits close to my heart and is always with me, just like I wanted Buddha to be. He may not realize it, but this necklace means more than the world to me.

And yes, I am aware they spelled Buddha wrong, but I am far too sentimental to send it back.

I'm 24 years old. I've seen 4 rainbows and God in real life.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dear Elaine (and whoever else for that matter)

Hi Darling(s).
Here's the thing. You see, this is MY blog. Therefore, I can write what I want. See how that works? If I want to write that all Irish people should wear purple on Wednesdays, I can write that. If I want to write that I think all democrats should be taken out back and hung by their toe nails, I can write that.
Webster's defines bigotry as a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion. As for reading comprehension, did it ever say anywhere in ANY entry that I hate anyone of ANY race, gender, sexual orientation, creed, etc? Because I didn't see that... I don't care if two men/women want to get married. It has little to no effect on me. It really doesn't. Should it be called a marriage? In my opinion, no, because MY religion that I am entitled to follow says marriage is between a MAN and a WOMAN. I have no, zero, nada problem with calling it a civil union and giving them the same rights as any other married couple, but it is not a marriage IN MY OPINION. I don't care if Jim down the street wants to marry his mailbox, it makes no difference to me, but don't call it a marriage.
I respect other people's opinions. I don't chase down other people's blogs and leave nasty comments if I don't agree with them.

And just a side note, ALL of you are a CLASS ACT. Really. So far, the majority of this blog has been about the loss of our child. NOT ONE of you has left a comment of sympathy, compassion or support. You have only left negative, rude comments. You, my friends, are lower than low. I would not wish what we have been through in the last week on my worst enemy, yet you can only come here to ruffle feathers and be spiteful. SHAME ON YOU. You all disgust me. It sounds to me like some of YOU are the bigots, not me.

I will be praying for each of you this week.