Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blessings and Lessons...

The great thing about the Nest is you meet so many great women who really rally around each other and are like this anonymous support/gossip/snark/chitchat group. When you want to piss and moan about how your husband is driving you up a wall, they are there tell you what a stupid A-hole he is. But when you want to talk about how awesome and supportive that same husband is, they are there to praise his amazing works. And when you have great news that you can't share with anyone else, they are there to congratulate you. And when your world falls apart right in front of your eyes, they band together and see you through it and offer endless prayers and support that you can't get anywhere else. The "friendship" nesties have provided me is beyond what most of my close, "real life" friends have provided.
But the downfall is, when one of you hurts, everyone does. When someone miscarries, everyone cries. When someone loses their job, everyone feels that sting. When someone is having a bad day, everyone just wants to be there for them to hug them and offer them anything they think will make it better. I have seen so many nesties lose babies at a point in their pregnancy where most people start to feel "safe". It's heart breaking. It really is.

Today, one nestie delivered her son at full term. He lived 16 minutes before going Home. They knew he had some issues in utero but were praying so hard for a miracle. Anyone who knows her has been praying for her and her husband and their baby boy. I think we all had that glimmer of hope that God would heal his little body and let these parents take home a happy, healthy baby.
And that didn't happen.
(If you want to follow their story: http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/)
I sat in the library at school and cried to myself. I cried for her and her husband and their families. I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) how bad they are hurting at this moment. I cried for their baby. He will never have to hurt or suffer. He has gone to be with Jesus and will never know anything but a perfect, happy life.

And then I cried for myself. And Ben. And our Buddha. I felt totally selfish for crying over their grief. I felt stupid for crying over our loss, which to some (even me at times) pales in comparison to what they, and so many others, have been through.

We never had to make a decision as to whether or not we would keep our baby after finding out they had genetic disorders or something else was wrong.

We were spared.

God made that decision for us.

We agreed before we even got pregnant that for no reason would we terminate the pregnancy. We would see it through the end regardless what obstacles we were presented with. But we both knew it would still be a hard bridge to cross. We didn't have to have that conversation with each other. We didn't have to endure 30 weeks of uncertainty while waiting for our due date. I can not imagine how heart breaking that conversation must be, even if you already know the answer to the question at hand.

We didn't have to do that.

We didn't have to mill over the possibilities.

We were blessed.

We were spared.

God was looking over us. In our darkest hour, when we felt totally abandoned, we were being looked over and protected-we just didn't realize it yet. I firmly believe that God will never give you more than you can handle and He has a master plan for every single moment of our day. He knew we couldn't handle that conversation, so He made the decision for us.

It still hurts. We still miss Buddha. We still want him back. It is getting easier with time, but it is a long, bumpy narrow road. But now we are starting to realize how blessed we were and still are.
Though we tried longer than most to get pregnant, we were able to do so on our own.
That was a blessing.
We got the thrill of seeing our baby's heart pumping away on the ultrasound screen. So many people do not get that.
That was a blessing.
I didn't have a horrible miscarriage at home.
That was a blessing.
I have an AMAZING Doctor, who I can't say enough nice things about to be there for the physical aspect of this but also the emotional. He and his wife have had 5 miscarriages so they know the pain and heart break first hand.
His compassion was such a blessing.
My surgery was quick and the recovery was fairly easy (for the most part).
That was a blessing.
No damage was done to any of my reproductive organs that wasn't already present.
That was a blessing.
We will be able to try again for another baby when we are ready.
That is a blessing.
Someday, I have faith that we will have a happy, healthy baby.
We look forward to that blessing.
Our marriage survived this whole disaster. Our marriage was made stronger than ever through this. So many marriages don't survive these things.
That was a blessing I am truly thankful for.

I hate that I learned so much from someone else's pain. Especially in this situation. I hate that it took someone else's tragedy to show me all the blessings I am surrounded by.

Ben and I have both learned from this. We are stronger people. We are in a stronger marriage. We are both getting to a better place filled with understanding and acceptance. We are happy.

My heart breaks for Stacy, Spencer and their Angel Isaac. All of my prayers, even the ones reserved for myself and my family are headed your way tonight and in the days to come.

"God Blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4


Blair said...

doyous, what a happy and heartbreaking post. I love this, and think it is incredibly important for EVERY woman to read who is going through pregnancy, or a loss, or even TTC. You put it so eloquently about losses, blessings, and how to COUNT THOSE BLESSINGS, even the small ones. And that God never abandons us, even when it feels like He has. You are so awesome. Wonderful job writing this.

bcyouloveit said...

Thanks, Blair. If it helps one person, my job is done.