This may end up being a two part entry because it's addressed to two different groups of people-those who have miscarried and those who haven't.
I'll start with those who haven't. There really is no way to write this entry and NOT sound like a raging, bitter bitch, but I can assure you, that is not me. I am guilty of saying a lot of the things below in the past and not realizing how hurtful it can be to others. We know you mean well when you say these things, but it sometimes makes it worse. Here is what you DON'T say/ask/mention:
"Well, you are young."
"Well...I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"You can have another one." (My personal favorite)
"God has a plan for you."
"If there was something wrong, it's probably better that you miscarried."
"When are you going to try again?"
"Next time, just relax."
I know each of those statements are true, but when you are grieving, they aren't helpful. They hurt. They cut you to the core. I am aware that we are young, but that doesn't mean we weren't ready for this. It may not have been meant to be, but when that pink line shows up on that test or when you see that flickering little heartbeat, it sure feels like it is. I know we can have another, but we really wanted that one. Also, I know God has a plan for me (click here) but in your darkest hour, it is really, really hard to see that plan. And when you say it's probably better that I miscarried than have a child with special needs, really. How dare you. Especially when you know I work in that field. I would never choose to have a child with special needs (no one does) I would have loved that child just as much as a typical child. Don't ask us when we are going to try again. Let us heal from this loss and mourn this child. Then we will talk about it. Here's the kicker. Just relax. I want to punch everyone who says this. It is so insensitive and heartless. I am not even going to bother explaining it because it makes me so mad. I will post an entry on Infertile vs. Paraplegic and you may understand. If you don't, then that is your own ignorance.
So what do you say? Nothing makes it right or takes away the pain, so why even bother.
"I'll be praying for you."
"You are in my thoughts."
That's it. That is all that ever needs to be said. I coveted prayers during that time I like I have never coveted anything before in my entire life. I needed them. I had to have them. They got me through and got me to a much better place. If the person isn't religious, then just say you are thinking of them. Thoughts can be just as helpful as prayers. Just be there. Send a card. My family from Ohio sent us a card that arrived about a week after our D&C. It was so thoughtful and helpful and just nice of them to think of us and send us a card. It's like having a physical representation of all their thoughts and prayers and love right there in our hands. It was nice not to have to say anything back, which is why I didn't want phone calls after our loss. I couldn't talk about it without breaking down so a card or email is a great way to not put a person in that position. Some people like phone calls. I am just not one of those people. I tucked their card into Buddha's memory box and it is one of the most meaningful things in there (other than our ultrasound pictures). Remember the mother on Mother's Day and the father on Father's Day. Just because they aren't holding their baby, it doesn't mean they aren't parents.
So, having said that, I hope I didn't offend anyone but at the same time, I don't really care if I did. People need to know these things and be aware of them. Miscarriages are so common and people need to know what to say and what not to say, what to do and what to avoid at all costs.
I don't care if you copy and paste this to an email or print it out, but use it as a frame of reference if you are ever in this situation, God forbid.
Boulder Ridge Zoo
1 week ago