Sunday, October 19, 2008

I Will Carry You

The lyrics to this song hit my heart hard today. Last week was rough. I had some good days, but two pretty rough days. I had to keep coming back to my own blog and reading my own advice. When Ben would leave for work, I would cry. I would feel sorry for myself. As you can tell from the previous post, I was just a touch bitter. I really questioned God on Thursday. I missed Buddha. I talked to him my entire way to school (an hour) on Thursday afternoon and never ran out of things to say. My heart was so heavy and hurting and broken.

Then today, I went to read one of the blogs I have been following for a long time. The blog chronicles a couple, Angie and Todd Smith and the loss of their daughter, Audrey Caroline. If you are in need of inspiration, click here. They also lost a child, but have inspired me and fill me with so much hope and promise for the future. I would read her blog in the past, but never fully understand the capacity of what she was dealing with until we went through it. After we lost our Buddha, I would go back and read her entries after they lost their Audrey over and over again. I would pray over my laptop for her strength.

One entry really touched me because I felt the same way over and over again. She needed answers in the same way I do. I need to know what happened. What went wrong? But we won't ever know. I will never have an answer. Ever. That sits heavy on my heart. She says she can deal with anything as long as it can be Googled. Truer words could not have come out of my mouth. I could single handedly keep Google up and running. I kept reading. I read this part more times than I can count:

It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. He knows.
And He only has one request. Bring it right to me, Angie. Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me. Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me. When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all. Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

I took her name out and entered mine or else it wouldn't have made sense. God knows where Ben and I are sitting right now. He has been in my shoes. He knows it is not fun, but He also knows there is something to learn out of this.

In an interview I watched that Angie and Todd did (I swear, I am not an internet stalker) Angie says she always needs a Plan B. Me too. I keep watching. She goes on to say God has no Plan B. He doesn't need one. He knows the plans he has for each one of us. She had to accept the fact that she may have wanted her baby to have a long healthy life, but God always planned for her to live for two and a half hours. That is always the way it was meant to be.


We wanted Buddha forever. God wanted us to have him for 9 weeks. We loved him enough for a lifetime in those 9 weeks but we still needed him longer. But that was not in the cards for us. Now, I see the lesson God had in store for us. We needed this lesson. Patience and understanding are places we lack in sometimes. And Buddha. He touched so many people. He taught so many so much. He gave me an insight to a peace and understanding I could have never imagined otherwise. God carried me with so much more love than I could have ever carried Buddha with, which is hard for me to grasp. The lyrics to "I Will Carry You" (which is also on my play list now) touched my heart. I couldn't have said it any better. I will continue to be faithful. I will continue in my prayers. I will continue to seek a peace I have yet to arrive at. I know it's there, I just haven't found it yet.

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

If you are interested in seeing the interviews I watched, here are the links: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3.

I hate to learn so much from other people's pain and personal tragedy, but I do. I learn from personal experiences that I relate to. I hope that one person finds some sort of comfort or insight from my writings, but if no one ever does, I get plenty of therapy from writing here.

And after all, it is all about me sometimes. ;)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

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