Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Peace Out, 2008

I'm glad to see you go.

Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.

(Happy New Year, Buddha! Don't party too hard!)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, Buddha!

I hope you are having the best Christmas ever up there with Jesus and your Great Uncle and all our other family and friends. I miss you so much but know you are in good, no, great hands. You've been gone for three months now and it doesn't get easier but I feel like your dad and I are starting to heal and move forward. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine and we are both so proud of you. Maybe by this time next year you will have a brother or sister for us to brag about you to! We will have to see what God has in store for us. Your Great Uncle said 2009 was going to be the year of miracles, so I am very hopeful.

Merry Christmas, Baby Buddha. We love you so very much.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thanks, Internet Stranger

Someone sent me this today. I don't know who the sender is but really wish I did. Thank you so much for this, it really helped me re-frame my life and my views and my focus. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You may feel my blog has helped you, but it's emails like yours that keep me going some days. So thank you.


I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

When I think of how many people
in this world have it worse than I do.
I realize just how blessed most of us really are.

God is good. He has blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am grateful. I am so undeserving sometimes, yet He sees through all of that. God's plan for me is so great and I can't wait to see what is in store for me and for Ben and our entire family in 2009. My uncle Thom said 2009 was going to be a year of miracles and I can not wait for what God has planned for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jer 29:11

Uncle Thom

There is no title for this post because I couldn't think of one that was fitting.

My uncle's funeral was yesterday and for some reason I still feel like the whole thing isn't real. I just can't shake it. The service was beautiful but my heart broke over and over and over again.

My Pop cried. My hard, military man grandpa cried. I hate that I know his pain so well. I know the stabbing feeling through your heart when you lose a child and for that moment, I sympathized with him. I grieved for my grandparents instead of for the loss of my uncle. Our losses were different but I knew how they felt. When they played Taps (my uncle was a United States Marine) my Pop saluted my uncle's coffin and said "He was such a good soldier."

I swear my heart shattered into about 7,000 pieces right there in the cemetery.

And my Ma. Good Lord, I have never seen a stronger woman in my life. I never saw her cry. Ever. I admire her strength so much. She lost her son, but instead of grieving in front of everyone else, she stayed strong for the family. Her words were honest and simple, but comforting. I really tried hard not to let her see me cry, but...if you know me, I cry over insanely silly things, so asking myself to keep it together at this time was almost an unfair task for me to ask me to do.

After the grave side service was over I just stood there in the tent and talked to his coffin. I told him if this was his idea of a joke, it was not at all funny. I told him all the things I probably should have told him while he was alive and made promises to him that I hope I can keep. I made him promise to take care of my baby and to meet us all at the gates of Heaven when our time comes. I walked my and laid my daisy on his coffin and placed a kiss right beside that. Ben, as usual, was great and was right by my side the entire time.

His wife was awesome. I would be in the floor, hysterical if anything ever happened to Ben, but she held herself together. She handled herself the way I wish I could have (as I'm sure my sobs from the front row of the church were NOT helpful to anyone). She held tight to their children and her faith and seemed to accept this unfortunate and unfair sequence of events with dignity, class and grace. She sang praises to God and worshiped Him at the funeral instead of being bitter and angry at God (which I fear I would be). I can learn so much from her (and I need to). And in all the madness going on at the funeral, she found time to come to me and tell me how sorry she was for the loss of our baby. She had just lost her husband and she was offering us condolences. If that is not a selfless, compassionate, caring person, I don't know what is.

The night before Thom's funeral (I still can't believe I just typed Thom's funeral) I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (good movie, by the way). There comes a point where Mr. Magorium is about to pass on and wants to leave the toy store he owns to a dear friend of his and his words hit me like a sack of iron bricks (if there is such a thing).

When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.
I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."
Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

I cried. Ben was sleeping next to me on the air mattress and I really didn't want to wake him, but I cried so hard. It's all so true. Our life goes on. It has to, because the world around us is not going to stop. The next story has to begin and it's up to us to mourn and be bitter through the next chapter or to celebrate the life that Thom lived, learn from his life and make the best of our remaining time here.

If nothing else, this has shown me how fragile life is. Last Saturday, Thom and his family decorated my Ma and Pop's Christmas tree and a week later he was gone. So now, I am really trying to see the bigger picture. When Ben forgets to throw away his Diet Coke can, it's not that big of a deal. When he asks to snuggle before bed, even if I am comfy and warm, I need to move over and give him that time. Elliott (my younger brother if you don't know) is wild and unpredictable, but he is my Uncle Thom reincarnated. When he calls 98 times in a 15 minute time period, I need to accept his calls and give him the time he deserves.

So go hug your hubs and your kids (if you have them) and your dogs. Accept and love the time you are given and enjoy it. Take it all in. Even when things seem like they are the worst, someone else will always have it worse than you (and make sure you pray for them).

Thom- I miss you, we all miss you. I will always cherish the memories I have of you (Road Atlanta, the trampoline of near fatal incidents in your side yard, Shogun and Zeus, Liberty Restaurant and my wedding, especially the Champagne incident). Don't worry about Jenny and the kids, they will be taken care of. So, go be an angel and do whatever it is angels do. Keep an eye on my baby, don't let him get too wild. Teach him about grace and guitars and humanity and God's love and throw in a little silliness and insanity that you were, and still are, known so well for. Meet me at the gates when my time comes.

For a very nice article written about Thom, click here. A good friend of his and my dad's wrote a piece in honor of him and it provides another glimpse of the man I am proud to call my Uncle.

Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my dear. I am departing.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sad Update

My uncle Thom passed away this morning. The damage from his stroke was just too much. I thought I had dealt with it, but now the sadness is hitting me all over again. He has a wife and 2 young children and from now on, Christmas will be tainted with this memory.

It's not fair.

Please pray for my family right now. We will get through this and be stronger because of it. On the upside, Thom was an organ donor and they took everything possible and because of him, many more will live.

Rest in Peace, Thom. Take care of my baby. Teach him all the things I wouldn't want him to know/do and add a few touches of your personality and grace. You will be greatly missed.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Alright God.

I'm starting to get angry. Show me something.

My young, healthy uncle Thom has had a stroke and (very long story short) it is not looking like he will survive. He has an amazing wife and 2 awesome children.

This is not fair. What is happening to my life? It is spiraling out of control so fast and I am barely hanging on. I'm holding on as tight as I can, but my grip is slipping.

God, I know you can fix this, so why don't you? What lesson do we have to learn from taking my mom's brother, my grandparent's son, my aunt's husband and my cousin's dad? Why? Show me a miracle.

I know in my heart of hearts that the devil is testing me. So eff off, Satan. I know you are testing me. I know you are causing me to question God right now. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave my family alone. Leave my faith alone. Go.Away.

My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand so I'll stand on grace.
Caedmon's Call

Ok God

I get it. I'm here. I'm begging for a sign. Something. I have made myself available. What are You trying to teach me?

I should be leaving for my big US right now. Instead, I wake up an hour early, to a huge temp drop and a BFN, just for funsies.

What are You trying to teach me? I am finding it so hard in my heart to not be angry and bitter, but it is getting harder everyday. I need something. You can fix this and right now, I don't know why you aren't.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Last Chance!

Please take 3 minutes and $10 to donate to a great cause tonight!

Not only will it enter you in a chance to win an awesome camera package, but you will be giving to such a great cause. For more information, click here:

And yes, that is the blog that I have begged for prayers for in the past. Click the link to read the amazing outcome!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Ben's grandma passed away last night around 8:30. She went very peacefully. She is no longer in pain or restricted and is now in Heaven with her family and has hopefully already met our Buddha.

Ben seems to be doing ok; he doesn't really want to talk about it so I don't ask about it.

Please continue to pray for healing in his family.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Two more things.

Please keep us in your prayers. Ben's grandma is dying right now (literally) and it is so sad. She has been sick for a while and we think she is beyond ready to go. Please pray that her passing is quick and painless and that his family accepts her passing and heals quickly.

And, on a much lighter note, please, please, please STOP abusing punctuation. It makes you look so uneducated and stupid. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does NOT mean you are any more excited than just !. I can accept !!, but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is overboard and dumb. Pass this message on to those you know. This seems to be a growing epidemic and I would like to eradicate it ASAP.

Carry on.

Dear Baby Jesus...It's me again.

Thanks for getting me through last week. I, however, do not appreciate that I busted my hind quarters to get everything finished, only to arrive in class and have every.single. due date pushed back a week. Not funny, Jesus. I am sure last week shaved 10 years off my life.

So let's try again. This time, I only need you to get me through TODAY! That's it! Simple, right? A final and a presentation for my graduate class is a lot to load on me, so don't go switching things around this time.

Also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful, solid cross hairs on my chart this time. I needed them. :)


Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Baby Jesus

Please get the through this week...actually...if you can just get me through Tuesday evening that will be close enough.

**6 more days of class**