Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Peace Out, 2008

I'm glad to see you go.

Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.






(Happy New Year, Buddha! Don't party too hard!)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas, Buddha!

I hope you are having the best Christmas ever up there with Jesus and your Great Uncle and all our other family and friends. I miss you so much but know you are in good, no, great hands. You've been gone for three months now and it doesn't get easier but I feel like your dad and I are starting to heal and move forward. I love you more than you could ever possibly imagine and we are both so proud of you. Maybe by this time next year you will have a brother or sister for us to brag about you to! We will have to see what God has in store for us. Your Great Uncle said 2009 was going to be the year of miracles, so I am very hopeful.

Merry Christmas, Baby Buddha. We love you so very much.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thanks, Internet Stranger

Someone sent me this today. I don't know who the sender is but really wish I did. Thank you so much for this, it really helped me re-frame my life and my views and my focus. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. You may feel my blog has helped you, but it's emails like yours that keep me going some days. So thank you.

Overflowed

I've never made a fortune,
and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much,
I'm happy anyhow.

And as I go along life's way,
I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

Haven't got a lot of riches,
and sometimes the going's tough.
But I've got loving ones all around me,
and that makes me rich enough.

I thank God for his blessings,
and the mercies He's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

I remember times when things went wrong,
My faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke,
and the sun peeped through again.

So Lord, help me not to gripe,
about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

If God gives me strength and courage,
When the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings,
I'm already blessed enough.

And may I never be too busy,
to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer,
'Cause my cup has overflowed.

When I think of how many people
in this world have it worse than I do.
I realize just how blessed most of us really are.



God is good. He has blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am grateful. I am so undeserving sometimes, yet He sees through all of that. God's plan for me is so great and I can't wait to see what is in store for me and for Ben and our entire family in 2009. My uncle Thom said 2009 was going to be a year of miracles and I can not wait for what God has planned for us.




"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jer 29:11



Uncle Thom

There is no title for this post because I couldn't think of one that was fitting.

My uncle's funeral was yesterday and for some reason I still feel like the whole thing isn't real. I just can't shake it. The service was beautiful but my heart broke over and over and over again.

My Pop cried. My hard, military man grandpa cried. I hate that I know his pain so well. I know the stabbing feeling through your heart when you lose a child and for that moment, I sympathized with him. I grieved for my grandparents instead of for the loss of my uncle. Our losses were different but I knew how they felt. When they played Taps (my uncle was a United States Marine) my Pop saluted my uncle's coffin and said "He was such a good soldier."

I swear my heart shattered into about 7,000 pieces right there in the cemetery.

And my Ma. Good Lord, I have never seen a stronger woman in my life. I never saw her cry. Ever. I admire her strength so much. She lost her son, but instead of grieving in front of everyone else, she stayed strong for the family. Her words were honest and simple, but comforting. I really tried hard not to let her see me cry, but...if you know me, I cry over insanely silly things, so asking myself to keep it together at this time was almost an unfair task for me to ask me to do.

After the grave side service was over I just stood there in the tent and talked to his coffin. I told him if this was his idea of a joke, it was not at all funny. I told him all the things I probably should have told him while he was alive and made promises to him that I hope I can keep. I made him promise to take care of my baby and to meet us all at the gates of Heaven when our time comes. I walked my and laid my daisy on his coffin and placed a kiss right beside that. Ben, as usual, was great and was right by my side the entire time.

His wife was awesome. I would be in the floor, hysterical if anything ever happened to Ben, but she held herself together. She handled herself the way I wish I could have (as I'm sure my sobs from the front row of the church were NOT helpful to anyone). She held tight to their children and her faith and seemed to accept this unfortunate and unfair sequence of events with dignity, class and grace. She sang praises to God and worshiped Him at the funeral instead of being bitter and angry at God (which I fear I would be). I can learn so much from her (and I need to). And in all the madness going on at the funeral, she found time to come to me and tell me how sorry she was for the loss of our baby. She had just lost her husband and she was offering us condolences. If that is not a selfless, compassionate, caring person, I don't know what is.

The night before Thom's funeral (I still can't believe I just typed Thom's funeral) I watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (good movie, by the way). There comes a point where Mr. Magorium is about to pass on and wants to leave the toy store he owns to a dear friend of his and his words hit me like a sack of iron bricks (if there is such a thing).

When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.
I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."
Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

I cried. Ben was sleeping next to me on the air mattress and I really didn't want to wake him, but I cried so hard. It's all so true. Our life goes on. It has to, because the world around us is not going to stop. The next story has to begin and it's up to us to mourn and be bitter through the next chapter or to celebrate the life that Thom lived, learn from his life and make the best of our remaining time here.

If nothing else, this has shown me how fragile life is. Last Saturday, Thom and his family decorated my Ma and Pop's Christmas tree and a week later he was gone. So now, I am really trying to see the bigger picture. When Ben forgets to throw away his Diet Coke can, it's not that big of a deal. When he asks to snuggle before bed, even if I am comfy and warm, I need to move over and give him that time. Elliott (my younger brother if you don't know) is wild and unpredictable, but he is my Uncle Thom reincarnated. When he calls 98 times in a 15 minute time period, I need to accept his calls and give him the time he deserves.

So go hug your hubs and your kids (if you have them) and your dogs. Accept and love the time you are given and enjoy it. Take it all in. Even when things seem like they are the worst, someone else will always have it worse than you (and make sure you pray for them).

Thom- I miss you, we all miss you. I will always cherish the memories I have of you (Road Atlanta, the trampoline of near fatal incidents in your side yard, Shogun and Zeus, Liberty Restaurant and my wedding, especially the Champagne incident). Don't worry about Jenny and the kids, they will be taken care of. So, go be an angel and do whatever it is angels do. Keep an eye on my baby, don't let him get too wild. Teach him about grace and guitars and humanity and God's love and throw in a little silliness and insanity that you were, and still are, known so well for. Meet me at the gates when my time comes.

For a very nice article written about Thom, click here. A good friend of his and my dad's wrote a piece in honor of him and it provides another glimpse of the man I am proud to call my Uncle.




Molly Mahoney: Are you dying?
Mr. Edward Magorium: Light bulbs die, my dear. I am departing.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Sad Update

My uncle Thom passed away this morning. The damage from his stroke was just too much. I thought I had dealt with it, but now the sadness is hitting me all over again. He has a wife and 2 young children and from now on, Christmas will be tainted with this memory.

It's not fair.

Please pray for my family right now. We will get through this and be stronger because of it. On the upside, Thom was an organ donor and they took everything possible and because of him, many more will live.

Rest in Peace, Thom. Take care of my baby. Teach him all the things I wouldn't want him to know/do and add a few touches of your personality and grace. You will be greatly missed.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Alright God.

I'm starting to get angry. Show me something.

My young, healthy uncle Thom has had a stroke and (very long story short) it is not looking like he will survive. He has an amazing wife and 2 awesome children.

This is not fair. What is happening to my life? It is spiraling out of control so fast and I am barely hanging on. I'm holding on as tight as I can, but my grip is slipping.

God, I know you can fix this, so why don't you? What lesson do we have to learn from taking my mom's brother, my grandparent's son, my aunt's husband and my cousin's dad? Why? Show me a miracle.

I know in my heart of hearts that the devil is testing me. So eff off, Satan. I know you are testing me. I know you are causing me to question God right now. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave my family alone. Leave my faith alone. Go.Away.


My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand so I'll stand on grace.
Caedmon's Call

Ok God

I get it. I'm here. I'm begging for a sign. Something. I have made myself available. What are You trying to teach me?

I should be leaving for my big US right now. Instead, I wake up an hour early, to a huge temp drop and a BFN, just for funsies.

What are You trying to teach me? I am finding it so hard in my heart to not be angry and bitter, but it is getting harder everyday. I need something. You can fix this and right now, I don't know why you aren't.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Last Chance!

Please take 3 minutes and $10 to donate to a great cause tonight!



Not only will it enter you in a chance to win an awesome camera package, but you will be giving to such a great cause. For more information, click here:


And yes, that is the blog that I have begged for prayers for in the past. Click the link to read the amazing outcome!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Update

Ben's grandma passed away last night around 8:30. She went very peacefully. She is no longer in pain or restricted and is now in Heaven with her family and has hopefully already met our Buddha.

Ben seems to be doing ok; he doesn't really want to talk about it so I don't ask about it.


Please continue to pray for healing in his family.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Two more things.

Please keep us in your prayers. Ben's grandma is dying right now (literally) and it is so sad. She has been sick for a while and we think she is beyond ready to go. Please pray that her passing is quick and painless and that his family accepts her passing and heals quickly.

And, on a much lighter note, please, please, please STOP abusing punctuation. It makes you look so uneducated and stupid. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! does NOT mean you are any more excited than just !. I can accept !!, but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is overboard and dumb. Pass this message on to those you know. This seems to be a growing epidemic and I would like to eradicate it ASAP.


Carry on.

Dear Baby Jesus...It's me again.

Thanks for getting me through last week. I, however, do not appreciate that I busted my hind quarters to get everything finished, only to arrive in class and have every.single. due date pushed back a week. Not funny, Jesus. I am sure last week shaved 10 years off my life.

So let's try again. This time, I only need you to get me through TODAY! That's it! Simple, right? A final and a presentation for my graduate class is a lot to load on me, so don't go switching things around this time.

Also, I wanted to thank you for the beautiful, solid cross hairs on my chart this time. I needed them. :)

Amen.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Baby Jesus

Please get the through this week...actually...if you can just get me through Tuesday evening that will be close enough.



**6 more days of class**

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving, Buddha

I have thought about you all day. You should be swimming around and kicking my belly, but things didn't work out that way.

I miss you everyday.

Happy Thanksgiving, Baby.

Love,

Your Proud Momma

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Relapse.

Very long story short:
I went to a Tastefully Simple party last night thrown by a very good friend of mine. I knew ahead of time people would be bringing their babies. At the time I thought nothing of it, and moved on. I see babies every day. No biggie. Let's have a party.

Oooooh no. As soon as people started arriving with their babies, I could feel my chest tighten. The someone, who I'm sure was just asking an innocent question, asked when I would find out the sex....and I had to explain that I had miscarried (which probably would not have been that bad if I hadn't been asked that BOTH the previous days ::headdesk::). I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I made up some B.S. excuse about Ben being sick and jetted out the door. I didn't even make it off the porch before I 100% fell apart. I sobbed. Hard. Harder than I have in a very long time. I called Ben, who, as usual, was amazing and talked me through it all. Then I called my mom and fell apart again. I finally made it home and went straight to bed. I slept for 13 hours (more sleep than I usually get in a WEEK).

So today I have been in a funk all day. I feel like people are forgetting about Buddha. I'm desperate for people to remember him. He is still very much a part of me and I will never forget him. I think about him every day. I see him around me all the time. But everyone else has forgotten. No one calls anymore to ask how I am. No one sends me an email asking how I'm doing or to talk about him. It's like he only existed in my world and that breaks my heart.

I feel like I am starting to grieve all over again. We have to start trying to conieve all over again. I have to start charting and testing everyday and monitoring every single thing I put in my body. It Sucks. I should be almost 20 weeks pregnant right now. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I should be ordering our nursery furniture and registering for our shower, NOT starting over. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's getting harder. I constantly find me reminding myself that this is all a part of a bigger plan. I know when we finally hold our baby in a hospital room someday, it will mean so much more to us because we have gone through so much more to get to that point.


Even when you're old, I'll take care of you. Even when your hair turns gray, I'll support you. I made you and will continue to care for you. I'll support you and save you.
Isaiah 46:4

Reminder To Self

Sunday, November 16, 2008

AH! YES!

Cycle day one! Almost 54 days post surgery and CD 1 is here!

God answers prayer! Having said that, we now COVET your prayers more than ever before. We haven't decided when we will start to try again, but it will likely be soon. Please pray for God to perform a miracle in our life in His time.

Hugs to all!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

TAG! I'm it!

I have been TAGGED! How dare them, right?! So anyways, ROTTY and H*E*E, here are your seven super exciting facts about yours truly.

1. I HATE people who use excessive punctuation. Hate.it. I think it makes you look uneducated and 12. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! doesn't mean you are anymore excited that just!. Really, I promise you, I will still know you are excited if you use just one.

2. I am terrified that we have lost our chance to have a child. I have this horrible feeling that we will never get pregnant again and Buddha was our chance at a baby and I blew it. It's the worst feeling ever and the fact that I haven't cycled over since my surgery is not helping.

3. I have a potty mouth. Sometimes. It is so not intentional, but it happens. But at the same time, I totally cringe when people say G.D. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.

4. I could live of of Chinese chicken and broccoli and white rice. Seriously. I think Ben is regretting ever taking me to China Fortune in Logan. When we first started going, I would only get rice. Then I got Sweet and Sour Chicken. Then I got really brave and got the chicken and broccoli and I have been hooked ever since. We had Chinese twice this week and I could have gone for more.

5. I think the whole Twilight thing is dumb. Yea. I said it. DUMB. Grown women lusting over a teenage vampire is ridiculous.

6. I am a procrastinator. Every time I say "I will never wait until the last minute to do X again." I am lying. Bold.Faced.Lying. I will wait until the last minute next time. Maybe even longer. For example: If I get assigned a research paper in August, I will do some research here and there, pull some articles, bust out the highlighter and blah, blah, blah. But rest assured, I will wait until the day before...sometimes even the NIGHT before to actually start the paper. It is a terrible habit, but having done this so, so many times, I have learned that I do my best work at the last minute. I concentrate better, I think clearer and I turn out a much better product.

7. I love our dogs to a point that it should be embarrassing. But it's not. I love them. Their squishy faces, their big goofy paws, the way they shake their bottoms when I get home from school. I can not get enough of them. I know that if I never had them, I wouldn't miss them, but I can't imagine my life without them now. Right now, they are our "children" and I am so thankful I have them. They have been such a blessing to have around since our loss and made things so much easier for me. Our dogs may rack up huge vet bills and do things that make me want to scream but I can't help but just love them and snuggle them every chance I get.I just adore them <3
Chris.
Mom.
Supa.
Rachi.
Asher.
Danse.
Allie.

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

Friday, November 14, 2008

If you ever want to know how to royally tick me off....

Break a promise to me. It is the FASTEST way to escort yourself off my "list".

If I come to you and say "Hey, there are some new and exciting things going on in our life right now, but don't tell soandso, I want to wait until everything is set in stone before we tell anyone else." What the eff do you think I DON'T want you to do? GO TELL SOANDSO. Is that a hard concept? Please. Tell me if it is.

So my idea is: KEEP YOUR EFFING MOUTH SHUT. If I trust you with something and then you go ahead and piss all over that tiny bit of trust I gave you, your relationship with me is ruined. Permanently. THIS is why I don't keep very many close friends. Primary reason.



Since the cat (or dog) is out of the bag, here is our news: We are probably going to be fostering 2 Boxer babies for a while until they find forever homes. They were a gift to someone (Please Note: Pets make terrible gifts! Don't give someone a pet as a gift!) and they could not take care of them.
We are both so excited to have these little ones in our house for a while, it will really help keep our minds off of other things going on over the past few months.
We didn't want to tell anyone for various reasons. We didn't want people to get excited and then be disappointed if it doesn't work out.
We didn't want to hear "But you already have three dogs!" Really? We have three?! I would have NEVER known! Oh My! Thanks for the heads up! Um...but really. We know we have three. They are practically the size of small horses so that makes them a little hard to miss. And really, we don't have to justify what we do or choose to do or how many animals we choose to keep to anyone. We have almost 1000 sq ft fenced in out back, it's flat and shaded and perfect for dogs. We have a little over 1700 sq ft inside, more than 1/2 of it we don't even use. We love animals, we love having them in our house, we love playing with them. That's it.

And honestly, when we were in the darkest of dark places, our dogs helped me through so much. I would pull Boston up in the bed with me and just sob into the scruff of his neck. When I would sulk around the house and Ben was at work, Roxanne would do jump up in my lap and give me big slobbery kisses. And Marley. Poor Marley. He sometimes forgets his brakes don't work as well on the tile kitchen floor, so he would come flying around the corner, hit the tile and skid all the way to the den and make me explode into laughter. They know I need them just as much as they need me. THAT is why we have dogs. THAT is why we will never turn one away when it needs a home. It is our job to take care of these animals.

So yea. If I tell you something, don't run and flap your jaws. It's rude and it makes me strongly dislike you.

Hugs and Kisses.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Allow me to dust off my soapbox

I have been SLAMMED lately. Slammed actually doesn't begin to explain how busy I have been. Running on coffee and 2 hours of sleep every night is starting to wear on me but I like to think of it as a warm up for when we have a baby (and we will have one someday!).

I have been writing this entry in my head since the day before the election, but never got the time to sit down and write it out. So here I go...If anything I say offends you, honestly, too bad. Get over it.

I voted for John McCain. I am proud of my vote. In hindsight, I still would have given my vote to McCain. I liked him personally and agreed with most of his platforms (primarily his tax and health care policies). Am I disappointed that he lost, sure, but I think he put up an honest fight and lost with grace, class and dignity.
Why didn't I vote for Obama? Well...really only because I don't agree with his health care or tax policies. That's it. His race played no factor in my decision. His political party affiliation played no part in my decision. His religion. Obviously not. He is a Christian. So am I. I just disagreed with a few of his views. Simple, right? That is what we were supposed to be voting on, the issues, right?

Here is where I have to break out the soap box.

For those of you who voted for Obama based souly on his race- Shame on you. If you voted for Obama only because he was black or if you didn't vote for him for the same reason, you wasted your vote. We are a country that is working towards breaking down walls between races and cultures, yet a lot of headlines on November 5, 2008 read "America's First Black President". While I do think this is an amazing step for our country, race will continue to be an issue here and around the world as long as we make it one. For those who said "This is history.", congrats, you stated the obvious. EVERY elevtion is history in the making. This election is no different. His race makes this election no more important than any other election. Again, as long as this country continues to make race an issue, it will be.

For those of you who think Obama is some insane Muslim terrorist socialist who is going to ruin the United States, GET.A.GRIP. Obama is one man. Rewind to your middle school social studies class, specifically the parts when you discussed American government. When you get down to it, Obama doesn't really hold that much power. No president does. Regardless as to what he wants to do, he still has to get approval from Congress/Senate members. So unless he has ALLLLLL of them in on his big evil plan, he really can't do all that much. If your memory isn't that great, let's go back a few months. Remember when Bush wanted to pass the $700 BILLION government bail out? He may have thought it was the best thing for this country since cable tv, but the House still had to give him the go ahead to sign it into effect. See how that works? It's called Checks and Balances. It prevents any branch or person from becoming too powerful.

For those Liberals who felt the need to tell me that you will "Take my money, take my guns, take my God and MAKE ME CHANGE" (and that is a direct quote). Please. You can take my money. Enjoy the cheeseburger, because that's about all it will buy you. And help yourself to my guns. That supersoaker will come in handy, I'm sure. And PLEASE. Challenge my God. I would LOVE to see that. Really. I could use a laugh. And finally, please make me change. I have a crazy Irish streak a mile wide and it is complete with attitude and stubborness. It would be quite impressive to "make me change". Your candidate won. YAY! I have the confetti and chips, you bring the dip and soda and we will have a party!

And my favorite group. The "Christians" (and yes, I use that term very loosely). Some of you have made me ashamed to group myself even remotely close to you. Aren't we supposed to be the group that accepts EVERYONE and aren't we the group that is not supposed to pass judgement? Isn't that what we are called upon to be like? Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I will eat my words if Obama turns out to be the Anti-Christ, which I HIGHLY doubt. And while I'm on my soapbox, let's be honest. If this is the end, we should be excited. Thrilled. Over the moon. Heaven awaits me on the other side and what I hear is, it is going to be awesome. I have grandparents, friends, great aunts and uncles and our baby waiting on me. Ben has his dad and grandparents and our little one waiting on him. What do we have to be scared of? If this is the end, we will be raptured before it all hits the fan here, so why care? Really? I'm not scared. I know where I'm going when this is all over. Maybe those who passed such harsh judgement on Obama need too look inward and re-evaluate themselves.

And finally. President Elect Obama (I know you read this). You aren't my candidate of choice, but you are soon to be the leader of the country I love. Show me what you can do. Do I expect you to save the world on your first day in office? No. Do I expect you to save our economy and finacial systems within six months? No. But I do expect you to be honest. And work hard to fulfill your promises. You made a lot of things sound really good to a lot of people, so show me what you can do. You have my trust and support and my prayers for guidance until you give me a reason not to let you have them.

In the words of Forrest Gump "And that's all I have to say about that."


"You have to do the best with what God gave you."
Forrest Gump

Monday, November 3, 2008

S.O.S!

I'm still here. I promise.

Right now I am drowning in a sea of school work. It seems no matter how hard I work, the stack just gets bigger and bigger.
I have to do a genogram for a Family Relationship's class I am in (and I really am enjoying this project), but I spend 7 hours (SEVEN) working on it on Friday and am no closer to being done than when I started.

And I have to do these Infant/Toddler and Preschool observations for Child Development, which I also enjoy. But I always leave feeling so empty and sad. In 5 months, I should be having my own infant and I'm not. It's heart breaking to go into centers everyday and be reminded of what I don't have.

I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I am really thankful that I got a week off for my surgery, but I am starting to feel like it wasn't enough time. I am thinking maybe I repressed a lot of what I was going through at the time and flung myself back into my school work to have something to keep my mind busy.

OR maybe I am just having a bad day and need to go back and reread promises I made to all of you that everything would be ok and someday we will have our own baby and I just need to have faith and trust that God will see us through this.

Listening to your own advice is a tough, jagged pill to swallow sometimes.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Pray for Baby Stellan

Please keep Baby Stellan in your prayers! He makes his big debut tomorrow and as of right now, no one really knows what to expect. Click below to follow their amazing story.





I can't imagine what they are going through and hope we never have to, but God is in control and already knows how things will plan out. Please keep them close in your prayers.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Spiritual food for thought

Now may God, the source of hope, fill you with all joy and peace as you believe, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13


I have so much to update on, but never seem to find the time!

Anyway, that verse really touched me this week and has brought so much joy and peace to my heart, just as it promises. I have turned so much over to God and am learning to let things go and fall into place according to His plan.

But it isn't easy.

As always, I'm a constant work in progress.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Just so you know...We made it!

I did not end up punching Ben in the face today. He deserved it today...but he escaped my wrath.

Lucky boy.

In other news, WE MADE IT! We hit our one year wedding anniversary on Monday! For those who said the first year was the hardest...eh...it wasn't that hard. We did live together for 5 months before the wedding (GASP!) so that did help; we were already used to the other one's quirks and habits by the time the wedding rolled around. But really, the first year was awesome. We traveled some (not as much as we wanted to, but still), bought our first home together, adopted (another) dog, laughed a lot, fought a little bit less than we laughed, went on dates, shared lazy Saturday's around the house, held hands, single handedly supported Starbucks (well...me more than him), watched a billion movies, had screaming chases through the house (usually ending with me getting tackled), painted and decorated the house, shared sweet private moments, public not so sweet moments, had our highest highs and our lowest lows. But it was awesome.

I love Ben more than I ever thought I could love someone. I trust him more than I ever thought possible. When I am tired, having a rough day, sick, bitchy, being a pain in the hind end or rockin some serious bed head he still loves me. He compliments me. We fit together. We match. We just work. We don't make sense together but we work. I love him to the end. Even when he leaves his socks under the recliner, Diet Coke cans all over the den and hair in the sink. I love him. He drives me absolutely insane, but I can't imagine loving him any more than I do right now. Funny thing is, I said that last year at our wedding and in a years time, my love for him has multipled by millions.

Our marriage is not perfect by any stretch, but we never put on that it is- and that's what gets me. It shocks people when we admit that we are not perfect in many ways. Heads spin, Exorcist style. The fact that it shocks them, shocks me. No marriage is perfect. If it is, someone isn't being honest. Marriage is hard, it takes work and patience and honesty and trust and love and commitment and compassion and understanding and forgiveness.

We know a couple and all we ever hear is "Oh, they are so happy." "Oh they never fight." "Oh ____ treats _____ like royalty." "Their marriage is perfect."

Really? People buy that when they say it? Methinks someone isn't being honest. Methinks it's easier to say "Oh we are so happy, everything is perfect." than it is to say "Ya know, we are having a rough time." or "Marriage is harder than I thought it would be." It's easier to push it under the rug than it is to be honest. There is NO shame in saying marriage is hard. It is. Life it hard. But is it so hard that I don't think the difficult times are worth it? No, not by a long shot.

My grandparents have been married for.....well....a long time. (Help me out here mom, 65 years?) When I call her and rant and rave about how Ben is driving me nuts and how crazy he makes me, she just sits there and laughs. Then she always says "Isn't it wonderful!?" And she's right. It is wonderful and I wouldn't have it any other way. My grandad did the same things to her that Ben does to me. My dad did the same things to my mom that Ben does to me. But, as I said, my grandparents have been married to each other for ~65 years. My parents are going to be hitting their 30th(!) wedding anniversary this coming January. Obviously, something about this crazy system works. When I do call my Ma or my mom, they have no sympathy or pity. They have been there, so they just laugh. I do, too.

Marriage is a challenge, but I love every minute of it. Even the not so great ones.

Ben- I love you to the moon and back and to the moon again. I couldn't have asked for a better person to spend my life with and I can't imagine a day without you. I can't wait to see what the next year, five years, ten years, FIFTY years holds for us.

I love being on this adventure with only you.

Nom nom nom!

If you are like me, you have zero time to get dinner together. You want something with some nutritional value, but between school, work, kids, running a household, errands, and the 8999 other things that take up your day, it leaves little time. So. I am going to post some of our favorite quick dinner ideas. I am a really picky eater, so hopefully you can use some of these.

Super Easy Chicken Parmesan

You will need:
1 Box Whole Wheat Pasta (we happened to have Rotini on hand, so that is what we used)
1 Jar Newman's Own Pasta Sauce (I love their Roasted Onion and Garlic, but any will do)
2 Tyson Chicken Breast patties (There are 2 of us, so I use 2 patties- one for each of us)

Preheat the oven and bake the chicken patties.
Boil the pasta for about 10 minutes.
Heat the sauce.
Follow the pictures below.

Put the pasta on a plate and add sauce.


Place 1 Chicken Patty on top




Top with Low Fat Cheese


Add whole wheat garlic bread and a quick salad and serve!

Ideally I would use grilled or baked skinless chicken breasts, but that takes about 25 minutes longer than this did and I was in a real time crunch. Since there are only 2 of us, we have TON of left overs! Nothing is better than left over pasta, so I will probably be having this for lunch at some point this weekend. I always use whole wheat pasta because I am a fan of complex carbs as opposed to refined carbs and it fills me up faster, so I eat less. I also only use Newmans' Own pasta sauce because it has no MSG, uses whole ingredients and they give all of their procceeds to charity (for more info, click here). Plus, I think it tastes great, so why not use it?

For great left overs, chop up a green pepper, onion, mushrooms, whatever you like and add them to the mix!


Dig in!

Chances are....

Ben will be getting punched in the face today.


We're talking better than 50/50 odds here, people.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paraplegic Vs. Infertile

Since this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, I am going to try and post some entries that are relevant to the cause. I LOVED this the first time I read it. Ben and I have not had to go through IF (infertility) treatments as of yet, so we are lucky, but so many others have. So keep the following things in mind whenever you are talking to someone about pregnancy. They may be going through so much more than you realize.


So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. (OK interupting here. I totally disagree with this one. I know for some women this can be a hard thing to hear. But for me it's comforting to know that God does have a plan for me and I want things to happen in His timing anyway. So while the waiting is difficult. I know it will be worth it in the end and that God is taking me through this to teach me and cause me to grow. Now back to your regularly scheduled post.) Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.

I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!

I Will Carry You

The lyrics to this song hit my heart hard today. Last week was rough. I had some good days, but two pretty rough days. I had to keep coming back to my own blog and reading my own advice. When Ben would leave for work, I would cry. I would feel sorry for myself. As you can tell from the previous post, I was just a touch bitter. I really questioned God on Thursday. I missed Buddha. I talked to him my entire way to school (an hour) on Thursday afternoon and never ran out of things to say. My heart was so heavy and hurting and broken.

Then today, I went to read one of the blogs I have been following for a long time. The blog chronicles a couple, Angie and Todd Smith and the loss of their daughter, Audrey Caroline. If you are in need of inspiration, click here. They also lost a child, but have inspired me and fill me with so much hope and promise for the future. I would read her blog in the past, but never fully understand the capacity of what she was dealing with until we went through it. After we lost our Buddha, I would go back and read her entries after they lost their Audrey over and over again. I would pray over my laptop for her strength.

One entry really touched me because I felt the same way over and over again. She needed answers in the same way I do. I need to know what happened. What went wrong? But we won't ever know. I will never have an answer. Ever. That sits heavy on my heart. She says she can deal with anything as long as it can be Googled. Truer words could not have come out of my mouth. I could single handedly keep Google up and running. I kept reading. I read this part more times than I can count:

It is the love of a Father who Himself is well-acquainted with sorrow. It is the love of a Father Who has lost His Son. He understands the ranting and the door-slamming. The emptiness that wraps around me when I think of my sweet Audrey. He knows.
And He only has one request. Bring it right to me, Angie. Every time the anger roars in your heart. Bring it to Me. Every time you feel like nobody hears you. Bring it to Me. When you think it isn't fair. When you think it isn't true. When you can't think at all. Bring it to My feet, and I will make an altar from your suffering.

I took her name out and entered mine or else it wouldn't have made sense. God knows where Ben and I are sitting right now. He has been in my shoes. He knows it is not fun, but He also knows there is something to learn out of this.

In an interview I watched that Angie and Todd did (I swear, I am not an internet stalker) Angie says she always needs a Plan B. Me too. I keep watching. She goes on to say God has no Plan B. He doesn't need one. He knows the plans he has for each one of us. She had to accept the fact that she may have wanted her baby to have a long healthy life, but God always planned for her to live for two and a half hours. That is always the way it was meant to be.

Wow.

We wanted Buddha forever. God wanted us to have him for 9 weeks. We loved him enough for a lifetime in those 9 weeks but we still needed him longer. But that was not in the cards for us. Now, I see the lesson God had in store for us. We needed this lesson. Patience and understanding are places we lack in sometimes. And Buddha. He touched so many people. He taught so many so much. He gave me an insight to a peace and understanding I could have never imagined otherwise. God carried me with so much more love than I could have ever carried Buddha with, which is hard for me to grasp. The lyrics to "I Will Carry You" (which is also on my play list now) touched my heart. I couldn't have said it any better. I will continue to be faithful. I will continue in my prayers. I will continue to seek a peace I have yet to arrive at. I know it's there, I just haven't found it yet.

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you

If you are interested in seeing the interviews I watched, here are the links: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3.

I hate to learn so much from other people's pain and personal tragedy, but I do. I learn from personal experiences that I relate to. I hope that one person finds some sort of comfort or insight from my writings, but if no one ever does, I get plenty of therapy from writing here.

And after all, it is all about me sometimes. ;)



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Friday, October 17, 2008

Maybe I'm cold and heartless

but I feel little sympathy for pregnant women. You knew what you were getting into when you signed up for that gig. I didn't feel fantastic when I was pregnant, but I never complained. It seems like complaining is all some people can do.

Suck.It.Up.

Appreciate it. Appreciate what is going on in your body right now. I would be willing to spend 9 months with my head in the toilet to have what you have right now.


/end Bitter Betty rant.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Green Light

So today was my follow up appointment for my D&C. I was super nervous before going, I just had this lingering bad feeling in my stomach. I did some hard praying for a few days. I knew we could not take another road block or set back right now.

God listened.

Everything was great! I FINALLY got a negative home pregnancy test which means my levels are back down or are close to zero. AWESOME. I was so happy. The PA we met with is the same one I saw through my entire pregnancy and she knows me the best. All of my questions and concerns were answered above and beyond my expectations. We were given the green light to go back to our regular routine (exercise, work, sex-yay!). We are allowed to start trying again whenever we feel ready. Now for the disclaimer.

PLEASE do not ask either one of us when we are going to start trying again. It's none of your business. We may start right away, we may have decided to wait 6 months or a year, we may have decided not to try again at all. It's none of your business. Don't ask. Don't hint. If you need to know, I will tell you, but right now Ben is really the only other person who needs to know. Don't ask if I'm pregnant, don't ask if we are trying, don't ask if we like babies, don't ask if we are planning a family, don't ask if we are having unprotected sex. DON'T. ASK.

I know that probably came off as harsh, but it really is a personal decision that Ben and I have made together and we don't need anyone else's input.

So...God is awesome and answers prayers. Keep the faith, even in the darkest storms. He will provide the answers for you if you put your faith in Him. Trust me, this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, and I myself have a difficult time with it sometimes. We will ALWAYS get answers, sometimes they aren't the ones we wanted or expected, but they are the ones that are right for us and are a part of His divine plan. Our God is just and will provide for you. Keep the faith. Keep the faith. Keep the faith.


To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

~Mercy Me

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Dear Buddha

Hi baby. Today is a day that is totally set aside to remember and honor you and I couldn't think of a better way to spend the day.
Your dad and I miss you so much. We think about you everyday. We are so, so proud of you! I get this overwhelming feeling of pride when someone asks me about the necklace your dad got me. I get to tell them I have a sweet angel baby looking over me from Heaven. They are always so sad when I tell them and I tell them not to be. You are in Heaven! You are so lucky! My grandma and your daddy's dad and grandpa were there to meet you and take care of you. They are awesome people and I am sure you are having a blast with them. I never got to meet your daddy's dad or grandpa but he talks about them all the time and I hear they are great people. Part of me is jealous! I want to know them too! Someday I will, but not before I meet you and cover you in big hugs and kisses. I can not wait for that day but still have lots of living left to do here with your dad first.

I miss you so much, Buddha. I cry every time I write in this blog, but today I am not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I am so happy for you. You got to skip this Earth and go straight to Heaven! You had such an impact on so many people here. You taught me so much in just a short time. You made me a stronger person. Everyday, you warm my heart in a way that no one else can. You were an amazing baby and so many people were excited to meet you, but all of those people are so happy for you right now and are remembering you today.

Someday you will have a brother or a sister. It's going to be your job to look over them and protect them. I know it's a big job but I know you can do it!

I can't say enough how proud I am of you. I love you so, so much and your dad and I miss you and think about you everyday. Every time I touch my necklace, I'm sending a hug hug to you, I hope you get them all!

I love you to the moon and back, Buddha,

Your Proud Momma

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

Tomorrow, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Please remember to light your candles at 7pm (your time, NOT EST) and say a prayer for those we have lost and those who have lost. For more information, go to the following link:
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. Each year, over half a million dreams are shattered. Out of 3.3 million born alive, some 30,000 die during the first 28 days. Another 39,000 babies are still born. Miscarriage occurs in fifteen to twenty percent of pregnancies, while ectopic pregnancy occurs in one percent.


More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.





Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data. H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress. This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.


On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action. Let's help pass H.R. 5979.


We miss you, Buddha.

The Woman and The Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.
'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply.
'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.'
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked.
'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that=2 0when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!'
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.'
The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conve rsation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would
not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed . They lend an ear, they share a word of praise , and they always want to open their hearts to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to 'Keep your fork.'
Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share ..

I found this on another blog and it really touched me. It is so true, the best really is yet to come and I can't wait to find out what is in store for us!
God Bless!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Encouraging Words.

Okay. I have thought of this entry frontwards and backwards and inside out. There is no way really to sum up everything I want to say in a blogger entry. There just isn't enough space and I don't have the energy to type it all. I wish I did. Let's start from the top. The following is a guideline of MY emotions and feelings regarding our miscarriage and how I dealt with it. Please note, not everyone deals with it this way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but this is what helped me.When it happened to me, I wish I had had more of a frame of reference as to what to expect. You can find that in the following.

The loss of a child sucks. I said it. You can quote me. It SUCKS. I hated it and still do to this day. Nothing compares to it. It doesn't matter when your loss is. An early loss like a chemical pregnancy sucks just a bad as a late term loss-just in a different way.

When the tech says they can't find a heartbeat, your world stops. It literally feels like they reached into your chest, ripped your heart out, threw it and stomped on it on the ground right in front of you. You want to get out. You want to be anywhere but in that room at that moment. I know. I've been there. You want to scream. You want them to take it back. You want to punch the ultrasound tech. You literally see your entire world fall apart in your lap. You are sad. You cry. I sobbed. Snotty, red faced sobbed. I couldn't believe just a week ago I had been on the same table watching our babies heart beat away. You think maybe they made a mistake. Surely they were mistaken. This is not happening to you. You weigh out the reasons quickly why these things do not happen to people like you. You panic.

I've been there. I'm so, so sorry if you were ever there yourself. But I promise you. It gets better.


Then you meet with the Doctor. I am so, so lucky and have a doctor who is amazing and so helpful and caring and compassionate, traits that can be hard to find in a good doctor. They go over what has happened, statistics, causes, etc.They let you cry and get it out and empathize with you. Then, they drop the bombshell. You have to have surgery. Shit. (At least, that is what ran through my head.) You were NOT planning on this. I had heard of D&C's before but never in a million years thought I would have one. Shit shit shit. You do NOT need this right now. They will talk you through the procedure, start to finish the procedure takes about 20 minutes, but when you factor in blood work and paper work and 29498300 questions they will ask you before hand and what not and the time you will be in recovery, it quickly turns into a full half day festival of fun. You really do need to take a few days off though, more for the emotional aspect that the physical. My OB is amazing and wrote me a note for work and school which gave me about 10 days off, more if I needed it. This was such a blessing. The last thing I wanted to do was go deal with people and answer 30853 questions. I needed time before jumping feet first back into my life. I freaked when he said D&C. I don't do well under anesthesia. I don't like needles. I don't like the idea of surgery. I hate it, in fact. So, wanting to be a good, well informed patient, I asked what my other options were. He told me my body was not recognizing this as a failed pregnancy. It was not accepting that fact (neither was I, to be honest). The chances of miscarrying on my own between Monday and Thursday was NOT likely. Shit again. He could prescribe me some medications that would force my body to miscarry but he said it would be much harder on me physically and emotionally and if not all of the tissues and sac passed, they would still have to do a D&C anyway. Not being a gambling person and knowing luck doesn't tend to sway my way in medical situations, I went ahead and scheduled the D&C. They let us out through the back entrance so I wouldn't have to walk through the waiting room full of pregnant women, which was so kind. Having an awesome Dr. made all the difference in some situations. And you go home. With your dead baby. Doesn't that sound fantastic?

I promise, what is next is the darkest part. It gets better. You don't have to believe me yet but I swear it gets better.

"What's next?" you might ask. The really fun part. You cry. You have to call allllll of those people you just got to tell you were pregnant and tell them you were just kidding. I had my mom take care of this part because I knew I emotionally couldn't. Word spreads fast, especially in my family. Then the phone calls start. I, personally, did not take any of them. My mom or Ben did it for me. I didn't want to have to admit our baby was gone. I just told them to tell people to pray for us. Pray hard. I needed prayer (and a good stiff drink). I spent the days before my D&C being a real bitch. I shut down. I snapped at people who were trying to help. I shot dirty looks at undeserving people (sorry if I shot you one!), I yelled at the dogs for being dogs. I just hurt. I hurt in the very bottom of my soul and didn't know how to deal with that hurt. I spent a lot of time in our bed. Sulking. Being angry. Being sad. I spent a lot of time begging God to fix this. I begged Him to make this right. And if this wasn't in His plan for me, show me what His plan was. And fast. I was sinking. Ben would hold me and I would sob so hard it would make me sick. I didn't eat. I didn't really do anything to be honest (other than be a raging bitch). If you are like me, you already had baby stuff. What do you do with it? We had just bought a Peg Perego stroller and bedding the day before. What do we do with it? My mom put all of it away for me so I wouldn't have to see it. I didn't want to take any of it back. I love all of it and still have plans to use it eventually. And then I cried some more. I never,ever wanted to even think about getting pregnant again. I was not risking this pain again. And then some more. And a little more after that. Then sulked, kicked the dog (not really!), watched terrible daytime television (somehow everything I watched that day had a pregnant woman in it. AWESOME). I cursed my body for failing me. I cried. I prayed. Cried a little bit more. Prayed. Cried. Took a shower. Cried. Emptied the trash can. Cried. Prayed. (Are you seeing a pattern?) Then it started getting easier. I smiled. Then felt guilty for smiling when I had just lost our baby. Getting dressed and putting on make up, as silly as that sounds, really helped. Going out was theraputic. We went out to Chinese for lunch. We went to Target (for the first time in a long time I steered of the baby section). We went for ice cream (a little known cure-all for the blues). We hung out. I still cried but found myself laughing and smiling. The night time was the hardest. Everything gets still and you are left alone with your thoughts and the darkness. I didn't sleep all week-even with a Rx Ambien (I didn't sleep on Ambien because I was sure if I did, I would eat everything in the fridge and drive my car in my sleep. As I said, things in these situations don't tend to favor me).

Even still, I promise you, it gets better. You may want to call me a big fat liar at this point, but it gets easier.

And then surgery day comes. I have chronicled this part before (here and again in a little more detail here ) so I will skip for this entry. But it sucks. It starts as the hardest day, emotionally. You know it is over. Even though your baby is gone, a weird part of you wants to keep it with you and protect it. I have never been able to explain and probably won't ever be able to. Then you have surgery. That's the easy part. Then you go through recovery. My story is an exception to the rule (told ya, medical situations hate me). Most people feel good enough to return to work the next day. Then, by the end of the day, you feel your spirits lift just a little, like 1/2 an inch. You have been given closure and a touch of hope is restored to your life. It still sucks. I was still a touch bitter, but I started to feel like the first brick in the road to getting back to normal (whatever that was) had been laid. When you bleed, it is a stabbing reminder of what you lost. The clots you will pass will be disturbing. And I don't tell you that to freak you out, but it's the truth. I continued to beg people for prayer and prayed so hard for myself. I didn't pray for anyone else for a few days. I kept them all for myself. Call me greedy. I dare you. ;)

And I can still sit here and promise you, it gets better.

Now I am a little more than 2 weeks post D&C. I feel great. For the most part. My body feels like it has gone back to normal. I FINALLY got a negative home pregnancy test which means all of the pregnancy hormone is out of my system (yay!). Going back to school and work was great (except for that one minor speedbump). It helped keep my mind busy and occupied. I did e-mail all my professors and asked them to tell people I did not want to talk about any of this when I returned to school unless I brought it up. No one mentioned it. A few people told me they were praying for me and that was it. Knowing I still had people praying for me was a great feeling; I really, honestly do believe in the healing power of prayer. Ben bought me a necklace that helps me remember Buddha and keep him close to my heart. My mom got me a memory box that has all our paperwork and ultrasound pics and other things that remind me of Buddha. I don't look at it to be sad, I look at it to remind myself what a special thing I had with me for such a short time. I look at it and am proud of our Buddha. I look at it and think of how happy he must be in heaven with my grandma and Ben's dad. I look at it and am hopeful for what future siblings we will have for Buddha. I look at it and am so thankful our children will always have an angel looking over them.

I still cry. I still have my sad moments. But now they are few and farther between. I try to focus on moving forward and what God has in store for our future. I try to stay positive. I remember that I have a lot to be thankful for. I really do promise, though you may be at the bottom of the bottom of the pile right now, it gets easier. To someone who may read it who is going through it, I honestly want them to know that I know it sucks and it is hard but there will come a time when you don't think about it every second of every day. And you will be able to go to sleep without sobbing so hard you get sick at night. And you will laugh at something, even something small again. And it's ok to be pissed. I want you to know it's ok to be totally irrational and insane but it's also ok to be weak and vulnerable. And it's ok to hate every pregnant woman you see. And it's ok to sulk and be a grouch. But it all passes and you become a much stronger person with a much more open view of things.

This whole situation has been a learning and challenging experience, but it has taught us so much and brought me and Ben so much closer together than I ever thought we could be. A situation like this can turn your world upside down. It can ruin a perfect marriage. It can shake your faith right down to the roots. You have to know where you stand and be firm in your marriage and within yourself or this can totally break you and wear you down to the core. But it doesn't have to. It can make you stronger and more aware. It can make you look at everything in a different light. The new light isn't better or worse, it's just different.


I don't think I am better or smarter than anyone because we lost a child but I do think I have a perspective that many people will never have access to. I realize everyone isn't religous. I realize not everyone has faith. I am definetly not in church as much as I should be but I am solid in my relationship with God and I know where I stand with him. My faith helped me through this and if you don't have faith, that is fine by me. My husband, my family, kind thoughts, e-mails, cards, crappy daytime tv, ice cream and afternoon naps also got me through this. My faith just helped me along.

If you need more help, e-mail me (catiebug68@hotmail.com). I'm not a thearpist. I'm hold no degree in counseling or therapy of any sort. But I've been there. I have real life experience that you can't get from most professionals. I'll help you the best I can.

So all in all, it gets better. It gets easier. It takes time. Be honest with yourself. If you need help, get help. If you need to cry, then cry. It's amazing how cleansing it can be. If you want to scream at someone....hm....well...I guess scream at someone. If you just happened to be in my way, you got screamed at, which was not fair to some people. So be careful who you scream at. I wish there was some other way I could make you believe me because if someone had told me this when I was going through it, I probably would have called them (re:screamed at) a liar.

Trust me. I wouldn't lie to you. :)

I'm coming back

I promise, that was just part one. For those who have miscarried, I have a positive, insightful post coming for you TONIGHT! Hang in there!
Right now, the mall is calling my name and I am too dumb to say no!

Helpful Words

This may end up being a two part entry because it's addressed to two different groups of people-those who have miscarried and those who haven't.

I'll start with those who haven't. There really is no way to write this entry and NOT sound like a raging, bitter bitch, but I can assure you, that is not me. I am guilty of saying a lot of the things below in the past and not realizing how hurtful it can be to others. We know you mean well when you say these things, but it sometimes makes it worse. Here is what you DON'T say/ask/mention:

"Well, you are young."
"Well...I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"You can have another one." (My personal favorite)
"God has a plan for you."
"If there was something wrong, it's probably better that you miscarried."
"When are you going to try again?"
"Next time, just relax."

I know each of those statements are true, but when you are grieving, they aren't helpful. They hurt. They cut you to the core. I am aware that we are young, but that doesn't mean we weren't ready for this. It may not have been meant to be, but when that pink line shows up on that test or when you see that flickering little heartbeat, it sure feels like it is. I know we can have another, but we really wanted that one. Also, I know God has a plan for me (click here) but in your darkest hour, it is really, really hard to see that plan. And when you say it's probably better that I miscarried than have a child with special needs, really. How dare you. Especially when you know I work in that field. I would never choose to have a child with special needs (no one does) I would have loved that child just as much as a typical child. Don't ask us when we are going to try again. Let us heal from this loss and mourn this child. Then we will talk about it. Here's the kicker. Just relax. I want to punch everyone who says this. It is so insensitive and heartless. I am not even going to bother explaining it because it makes me so mad. I will post an entry on Infertile vs. Paraplegic and you may understand. If you don't, then that is your own ignorance.

So what do you say? Nothing makes it right or takes away the pain, so why even bother.
"I'm sorry."
"I'll be praying for you."
"You are in my thoughts."

That's it. That is all that ever needs to be said. I coveted prayers during that time I like I have never coveted anything before in my entire life. I needed them. I had to have them. They got me through and got me to a much better place. If the person isn't religious, then just say you are thinking of them. Thoughts can be just as helpful as prayers. Just be there. Send a card. My family from Ohio sent us a card that arrived about a week after our D&C. It was so thoughtful and helpful and just nice of them to think of us and send us a card. It's like having a physical representation of all their thoughts and prayers and love right there in our hands. It was nice not to have to say anything back, which is why I didn't want phone calls after our loss. I couldn't talk about it without breaking down so a card or email is a great way to not put a person in that position. Some people like phone calls. I am just not one of those people. I tucked their card into Buddha's memory box and it is one of the most meaningful things in there (other than our ultrasound pictures). Remember the mother on Mother's Day and the father on Father's Day. Just because they aren't holding their baby, it doesn't mean they aren't parents.

So, having said that, I hope I didn't offend anyone but at the same time, I don't really care if I did. People need to know these things and be aware of them. Miscarriages are so common and people need to know what to say and what not to say, what to do and what to avoid at all costs.
I don't care if you copy and paste this to an email or print it out, but use it as a frame of reference if you are ever in this situation, God forbid.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I admit it.

I have crushes on the weirdest celebrities. I do. It's strange. But they all follow the same pattern. They are all funny, chubby dorks. Johnny Depp, George Clooney and Brad Pitt are all fantastic, attractive me. I like them. I like their movies, but not in the way I like other celebrities.

Seth Rogan. I adore him. Ben knows this. Ben knows I watch Superbad and Knocked Up every time they are on the movie channels because I am in love with him. He's ok with it. He knows I am not going anywhere. But still...I can't help it.

He's funny, witty and personable. I like it. He reminds me a lot of Ben which is probably why I do have such a crush on him. It's silly, really. Drew Carey also used to be on my list but is barely hanging on now because Seth Rogan has taken over my top 5 spots. It doesn't leave much room for anyone else.

And in all fairness, Ben is in love with Scarlett Johansson, who is much more physically attractive than the above.

2/3 of 1/2 of 1/3

Soon after Ben and I moved in together, we quickly learned that the full size bed we were sleeping in was NOT going to work. I sprawl out when I sleep and Ben tends to do the same, which means one of us was waking up with their head on the night stand. So we made our first big purchase together (aside from the dogs). A bed.

We set off to the mattress store. We had a goal. We were going to buy the cheapest queen size mattress they had. We were strong in what we wanted. No salesman was going to change our minds.

Two hours and two thousand dollars later we left Mattress Warehouse with a delivery set up for the following day. A Cali-king Laura Ashely top of the line mattress was going to be delivered. An expensive big bed somehow replaced a cheap queen bed in a matter of minutes. I am STILL to this day trying to figure out how this happened, and I think I may have figured it out this morning.

When we bought that mattress, we had two dogs. Marley, the boxer, who sleeps outside in his dog house (ENTIRELY his choice-he goes freaking ballistic if you try to make him sleep inside) and Roxanne, the English Bulldog, who sleeps in her crate or she will pee on you in the middle of the night. We didn't have to share the bed with anyone but each other. It was perfect. We could snuggle for a bit and then return to our respective sides of the bed and spread out. I have never gotten better sleep.

But God knew something we didn't. He knew we would adopt Boston, the rescue boxer, just 8 months later. He knew Boston would not accept sleeping on the floor. He knew Boston would enter our lives and think we bought this over sized, expensive, luxury mattress JUST for him. He thinks it is our job to tuck him in every night and fluff his pillows-which I admit is partly our fault. We created this monster. At first, it was hilarious. We had never in our lives seen a dog who sleeps in a bed JUST like a human does! It was freaking hilarious. Now...not so much. For Ben.

Here's the silver lining for me. Boston LOVES Ben. Loves him. Adores him. Goes where Ben goes. Does what Ben does. He can't function if Ben isn't around. When Ben leaves, Boston waits on the tile by the front door waiting for him to come home. It's pitiful. Me? Eh. Boston could live without me. He only likes me when I have food. So when it comes time for bed, he wants nothing to do with me. He wants to snuggle Ben. And by snuggle, I mean sleep on top of him. I settle into my roomy half of the bed and spread out. Ben and Boston have to share his half. When I say share, I really mean Boston takes the bottom 2/3 of Ben's 1/2 of the bed and leaves Ben crammed into the remaining top 1/3 of his 1/2 (you do the math). Ben is a big guy sleeping in a space smaller than a crib.

I lay on my spacious half of the bed and chuckle. I love that Boston loves Ben.


Ben and Boston demonstrate their love for each other.
Ben and Boston at his mom's house. They are ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Ben

I love him. I really do. We have something that so many people can only dream of finding and I am so, unbelievably blessed to have him in my life. I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day who is still looking for her Mr. Right and she asked me what it was about Ben that made me know he was The One. At first I didn't know. What was it about him that made him stand out from the rest? His stunning good looks? His high power job? His large bank account? What was it? So I started to brain storm as I sat in (a rather boring) lecture and managed to come up with the following list, which doesn't even begin to cover how amazing and special he is to me.

1. I love when he laughs. It is such a sincere, hearty laugh and it makes me smile to even think about it.
2. He always offers me a bite of his food-even if we have the same thing or something he knows I don't like.
3. Sometimes when we are walking he puts his hand on the small of my back and pulls me a little closer to him. I gives me the warm fuzzies.
4. I love when he tickles me even though I act like I hate it. It is so silly and innocent, but so much fun.
5. When I don't feel good, he is totally lost and it is so funny. He always calls one of our mom's and asks for advice. He takes such good care of me when I'm sick and always makes me feel better.
6. His smile is crooked. And very cute.
7. When I get really mad and yell at him, he always yells back. I find this endearing.
8. He never lets me win. Sometimes I really hate this about him, but most of the time, I like it.
9. Ben is 6 feet tall. I'm 5'5 1/2. He tends to walk ahead of me at times. When I say something about it, he looks back at me and says "Hurry those short legs up!" Some people would find this mean, but I find it funny.
10. When he puts me in a head lock.
11. He buys me Disney movies. Even though they are for kids.
12. He always squeezes me extra tight before he falls asleep (I don't think he realizes this).
13. I love the way my head fits right in that nook between his neck and his shoulder. It's like it was meant for my head to go there.
14. When we go to the movies, he always lets me put my legs across his lap because he knows I hate sitting upright with my feet on the floor (I always sit on my feet).
15. He always lets me get whatever I want when we go to the movies or out to eat. Sometimes I get a diet coke AND popcorn AND candy. Cha ching!
16. He always compliments what I am wearing. I think I could wear something totally hideous and he would still tell me I look pretty.
17. He likes my cooking. When he really likes what I made, he talks about it all day. When he really, really likes it, he tells his mom about it.
18. Sometimes he watches Jon and Kate +8 with me. He agrees that Kate is a raging bitch with some serious control issues going on.
19. When he gets home from work in the morning he is always extra quiet and tries really hard to wake me up.
20. When he gets home from work, he always reminds me to take my temperature so I don't have to wake up to an alarm. He has learned just the right amount of consciousness I need in order to grab my thermometer and shove it in my mouth and still be able to go back to sleep. (For more information on charting click here)
21. When he watches soccer and his team scores, he slams the foot rest on the recliner down and usually swears and jumps around. It is so hilarious to watch.
22. He tries to help me with my school work. He knows very little about what I do, but he really tries to "get" it.
23. He really does get me. He gets why I get mad, what makes me happy, what makes me tick, what calms me down, what cheers me up, when to love me, when to leave me alone.
24. He sometimes brings me home candy. He knows I love it.
25. I love when he calls me at school or work just to see how my day has been.
26. He rubs the bottom of my back when I am sleepy because he knows it helps me fall asleep faster.
27. He (usually) lets me have the remote.
28. He never critiques my driving.
29. He always has to test my underwear by slapping my ass while I get ready. To make sure it fits, duh.
30. He thinks he stronger than me (not likely). I let him think that.


I will come back to this later, but it is almost 1 am and I have a packed day tomorrow. I have so much exciting new stuff to put on here, but have trouble finding the time! I promise, this weekend my goal is to update you will all of the other (exciting) things going on in our lives!

Thanks for the reminder!

We were sitting in class waiting for the professor to arrive. One of my friends and I were discussing how busy we have been and how crazy life is when this no-class, cracked out loser decided to chime in.

"Wait til you have your baby! Then you will see how busy life really is!"

EVERY ONE'S jaw dropped. While I was out she mentioned it to everyone and emailed everyone. She rearranged the syllabus so I wouldn't have to sit through the fetal development and birth and delivery discussions. She was pissed. She made sure everyone knew when I returned to school, I didn't want to talk about it. This girl was present for this. She got the email.

All I could do was say "Our baby died."

This in turn got me the most insincere, half assed "I'm sorry" I have ever heard.


Surprisingly, it didn't make me cry too hard. I teared up, but for the first time was able to regain my composure before anyone noticed. I was proud of myself. It was the first time I really hadn't fallen apart when I talked about Buddha or when someone mentioned him.

She sucks. She will NOT be invited to my birthday party.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Blessings and Lessons...

The great thing about the Nest is you meet so many great women who really rally around each other and are like this anonymous support/gossip/snark/chitchat group. When you want to piss and moan about how your husband is driving you up a wall, they are there tell you what a stupid A-hole he is. But when you want to talk about how awesome and supportive that same husband is, they are there to praise his amazing works. And when you have great news that you can't share with anyone else, they are there to congratulate you. And when your world falls apart right in front of your eyes, they band together and see you through it and offer endless prayers and support that you can't get anywhere else. The "friendship" nesties have provided me is beyond what most of my close, "real life" friends have provided.
But the downfall is, when one of you hurts, everyone does. When someone miscarries, everyone cries. When someone loses their job, everyone feels that sting. When someone is having a bad day, everyone just wants to be there for them to hug them and offer them anything they think will make it better. I have seen so many nesties lose babies at a point in their pregnancy where most people start to feel "safe". It's heart breaking. It really is.

Today, one nestie delivered her son at full term. He lived 16 minutes before going Home. They knew he had some issues in utero but were praying so hard for a miracle. Anyone who knows her has been praying for her and her husband and their baby boy. I think we all had that glimmer of hope that God would heal his little body and let these parents take home a happy, healthy baby.
And that didn't happen.
(If you want to follow their story: http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/)
I sat in the library at school and cried to myself. I cried for her and her husband and their families. I can't imagine (and don't want to imagine) how bad they are hurting at this moment. I cried for their baby. He will never have to hurt or suffer. He has gone to be with Jesus and will never know anything but a perfect, happy life.

And then I cried for myself. And Ben. And our Buddha. I felt totally selfish for crying over their grief. I felt stupid for crying over our loss, which to some (even me at times) pales in comparison to what they, and so many others, have been through.

We never had to make a decision as to whether or not we would keep our baby after finding out they had genetic disorders or something else was wrong.

We were spared.

God made that decision for us.

We agreed before we even got pregnant that for no reason would we terminate the pregnancy. We would see it through the end regardless what obstacles we were presented with. But we both knew it would still be a hard bridge to cross. We didn't have to have that conversation with each other. We didn't have to endure 30 weeks of uncertainty while waiting for our due date. I can not imagine how heart breaking that conversation must be, even if you already know the answer to the question at hand.

We didn't have to do that.

We didn't have to mill over the possibilities.

We were blessed.

We were spared.

God was looking over us. In our darkest hour, when we felt totally abandoned, we were being looked over and protected-we just didn't realize it yet. I firmly believe that God will never give you more than you can handle and He has a master plan for every single moment of our day. He knew we couldn't handle that conversation, so He made the decision for us.

It still hurts. We still miss Buddha. We still want him back. It is getting easier with time, but it is a long, bumpy narrow road. But now we are starting to realize how blessed we were and still are.
Though we tried longer than most to get pregnant, we were able to do so on our own.
That was a blessing.
We got the thrill of seeing our baby's heart pumping away on the ultrasound screen. So many people do not get that.
That was a blessing.
I didn't have a horrible miscarriage at home.
That was a blessing.
I have an AMAZING Doctor, who I can't say enough nice things about to be there for the physical aspect of this but also the emotional. He and his wife have had 5 miscarriages so they know the pain and heart break first hand.
His compassion was such a blessing.
My surgery was quick and the recovery was fairly easy (for the most part).
That was a blessing.
No damage was done to any of my reproductive organs that wasn't already present.
That was a blessing.
We will be able to try again for another baby when we are ready.
That is a blessing.
Someday, I have faith that we will have a happy, healthy baby.
We look forward to that blessing.
Our marriage survived this whole disaster. Our marriage was made stronger than ever through this. So many marriages don't survive these things.
That was a blessing I am truly thankful for.

I hate that I learned so much from someone else's pain. Especially in this situation. I hate that it took someone else's tragedy to show me all the blessings I am surrounded by.

Ben and I have both learned from this. We are stronger people. We are in a stronger marriage. We are both getting to a better place filled with understanding and acceptance. We are happy.

My heart breaks for Stacy, Spencer and their Angel Isaac. All of my prayers, even the ones reserved for myself and my family are headed your way tonight and in the days to come.





"God Blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4