I have thought about you all day. You should be swimming around and kicking my belly, but things didn't work out that way.
I miss you everyday.
Happy Thanksgiving, Baby.
Love,
Your Proud Momma
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Relapse.
Very long story short:
I went to a Tastefully Simple party last night thrown by a very good friend of mine. I knew ahead of time people would be bringing their babies. At the time I thought nothing of it, and moved on. I see babies every day. No biggie. Let's have a party.
Oooooh no. As soon as people started arriving with their babies, I could feel my chest tighten. The someone, who I'm sure was just asking an innocent question, asked when I would find out the sex....and I had to explain that I had miscarried (which probably would not have been that bad if I hadn't been asked that BOTH the previous days ::headdesk::). I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I made up some B.S. excuse about Ben being sick and jetted out the door. I didn't even make it off the porch before I 100% fell apart. I sobbed. Hard. Harder than I have in a very long time. I called Ben, who, as usual, was amazing and talked me through it all. Then I called my mom and fell apart again. I finally made it home and went straight to bed. I slept for 13 hours (more sleep than I usually get in a WEEK).
So today I have been in a funk all day. I feel like people are forgetting about Buddha. I'm desperate for people to remember him. He is still very much a part of me and I will never forget him. I think about him every day. I see him around me all the time. But everyone else has forgotten. No one calls anymore to ask how I am. No one sends me an email asking how I'm doing or to talk about him. It's like he only existed in my world and that breaks my heart.
I feel like I am starting to grieve all over again. We have to start trying to conieve all over again. I have to start charting and testing everyday and monitoring every single thing I put in my body. It Sucks. I should be almost 20 weeks pregnant right now. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I should be ordering our nursery furniture and registering for our shower, NOT starting over. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's getting harder. I constantly find me reminding myself that this is all a part of a bigger plan. I know when we finally hold our baby in a hospital room someday, it will mean so much more to us because we have gone through so much more to get to that point.
I went to a Tastefully Simple party last night thrown by a very good friend of mine. I knew ahead of time people would be bringing their babies. At the time I thought nothing of it, and moved on. I see babies every day. No biggie. Let's have a party.
Oooooh no. As soon as people started arriving with their babies, I could feel my chest tighten. The someone, who I'm sure was just asking an innocent question, asked when I would find out the sex....and I had to explain that I had miscarried (which probably would not have been that bad if I hadn't been asked that BOTH the previous days ::headdesk::). I lasted maybe 20 minutes before I made up some B.S. excuse about Ben being sick and jetted out the door. I didn't even make it off the porch before I 100% fell apart. I sobbed. Hard. Harder than I have in a very long time. I called Ben, who, as usual, was amazing and talked me through it all. Then I called my mom and fell apart again. I finally made it home and went straight to bed. I slept for 13 hours (more sleep than I usually get in a WEEK).
So today I have been in a funk all day. I feel like people are forgetting about Buddha. I'm desperate for people to remember him. He is still very much a part of me and I will never forget him. I think about him every day. I see him around me all the time. But everyone else has forgotten. No one calls anymore to ask how I am. No one sends me an email asking how I'm doing or to talk about him. It's like he only existed in my world and that breaks my heart.
I feel like I am starting to grieve all over again. We have to start trying to conieve all over again. I have to start charting and testing everyday and monitoring every single thing I put in my body. It Sucks. I should be almost 20 weeks pregnant right now. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I should be ordering our nursery furniture and registering for our shower, NOT starting over. I am trying so hard not to be bitter, but it's getting harder. I constantly find me reminding myself that this is all a part of a bigger plan. I know when we finally hold our baby in a hospital room someday, it will mean so much more to us because we have gone through so much more to get to that point.
Even when you're old, I'll take care of you. Even when your hair turns gray, I'll support you. I made you and will continue to care for you. I'll support you and save you.
Isaiah 46:4
Isaiah 46:4
Sunday, November 16, 2008
AH! YES!
Cycle day one! Almost 54 days post surgery and CD 1 is here!
God answers prayer! Having said that, we now COVET your prayers more than ever before. We haven't decided when we will start to try again, but it will likely be soon. Please pray for God to perform a miracle in our life in His time.
Hugs to all!
God answers prayer! Having said that, we now COVET your prayers more than ever before. We haven't decided when we will start to try again, but it will likely be soon. Please pray for God to perform a miracle in our life in His time.
Hugs to all!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
TAG! I'm it!
I have been TAGGED! How dare them, right?! So anyways, ROTTY and H*E*E, here are your seven super exciting facts about yours truly.
1. I HATE people who use excessive punctuation. Hate.it. I think it makes you look uneducated and 12. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! doesn't mean you are anymore excited that just!. Really, I promise you, I will still know you are excited if you use just one.
2. I am terrified that we have lost our chance to have a child. I have this horrible feeling that we will never get pregnant again and Buddha was our chance at a baby and I blew it. It's the worst feeling ever and the fact that I haven't cycled over since my surgery is not helping.
3. I have a potty mouth. Sometimes. It is so not intentional, but it happens. But at the same time, I totally cringe when people say G.D. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
4. I could live of of Chinese chicken and broccoli and white rice. Seriously. I think Ben is regretting ever taking me to China Fortune in Logan. When we first started going, I would only get rice. Then I got Sweet and Sour Chicken. Then I got really brave and got the chicken and broccoli and I have been hooked ever since. We had Chinese twice this week and I could have gone for more.
5. I think the whole Twilight thing is dumb. Yea. I said it. DUMB. Grown women lusting over a teenage vampire is ridiculous.
6. I am a procrastinator. Every time I say "I will never wait until the last minute to do X again." I am lying. Bold.Faced.Lying. I will wait until the last minute next time. Maybe even longer. For example: If I get assigned a research paper in August, I will do some research here and there, pull some articles, bust out the highlighter and blah, blah, blah. But rest assured, I will wait until the day before...sometimes even the NIGHT before to actually start the paper. It is a terrible habit, but having done this so, so many times, I have learned that I do my best work at the last minute. I concentrate better, I think clearer and I turn out a much better product.
7. I love our dogs to a point that it should be embarrassing. But it's not. I love them. Their squishy faces, their big goofy paws, the way they shake their bottoms when I get home from school. I can not get enough of them. I know that if I never had them, I wouldn't miss them, but I can't imagine my life without them now. Right now, they are our "children" and I am so thankful I have them. They have been such a blessing to have around since our loss and made things so much easier for me. Our dogs may rack up huge vet bills and do things that make me want to scream but I can't help but just love them and snuggle them every chance I get.
I just adore them <3
Chris.
Mom.
Supa.
Rachi.
Asher.
Danse.
Allie.
Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.
1. I HATE people who use excessive punctuation. Hate.it. I think it makes you look uneducated and 12. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! doesn't mean you are anymore excited that just!. Really, I promise you, I will still know you are excited if you use just one.
2. I am terrified that we have lost our chance to have a child. I have this horrible feeling that we will never get pregnant again and Buddha was our chance at a baby and I blew it. It's the worst feeling ever and the fact that I haven't cycled over since my surgery is not helping.
3. I have a potty mouth. Sometimes. It is so not intentional, but it happens. But at the same time, I totally cringe when people say G.D. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
4. I could live of of Chinese chicken and broccoli and white rice. Seriously. I think Ben is regretting ever taking me to China Fortune in Logan. When we first started going, I would only get rice. Then I got Sweet and Sour Chicken. Then I got really brave and got the chicken and broccoli and I have been hooked ever since. We had Chinese twice this week and I could have gone for more.
5. I think the whole Twilight thing is dumb. Yea. I said it. DUMB. Grown women lusting over a teenage vampire is ridiculous.
6. I am a procrastinator. Every time I say "I will never wait until the last minute to do X again." I am lying. Bold.Faced.Lying. I will wait until the last minute next time. Maybe even longer. For example: If I get assigned a research paper in August, I will do some research here and there, pull some articles, bust out the highlighter and blah, blah, blah. But rest assured, I will wait until the day before...sometimes even the NIGHT before to actually start the paper. It is a terrible habit, but having done this so, so many times, I have learned that I do my best work at the last minute. I concentrate better, I think clearer and I turn out a much better product.
7. I love our dogs to a point that it should be embarrassing. But it's not. I love them. Their squishy faces, their big goofy paws, the way they shake their bottoms when I get home from school. I can not get enough of them. I know that if I never had them, I wouldn't miss them, but I can't imagine my life without them now. Right now, they are our "children" and I am so thankful I have them. They have been such a blessing to have around since our loss and made things so much easier for me. Our dogs may rack up huge vet bills and do things that make me want to scream but I can't help but just love them and snuggle them every chance I get.
I just adore them <3
Chris.
Mom.
Supa.
Rachi.
Asher.
Danse.
Allie.
Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.
Friday, November 14, 2008
If you ever want to know how to royally tick me off....
Break a promise to me. It is the FASTEST way to escort yourself off my "list".
If I come to you and say "Hey, there are some new and exciting things going on in our life right now, but don't tell soandso, I want to wait until everything is set in stone before we tell anyone else." What the eff do you think I DON'T want you to do? GO TELL SOANDSO. Is that a hard concept? Please. Tell me if it is.
So my idea is: KEEP YOUR EFFING MOUTH SHUT. If I trust you with something and then you go ahead and piss all over that tiny bit of trust I gave you, your relationship with me is ruined. Permanently. THIS is why I don't keep very many close friends. Primary reason.
Since the cat (or dog) is out of the bag, here is our news: We are probably going to be fostering 2 Boxer babies for a while until they find forever homes. They were a gift to someone (Please Note: Pets make terrible gifts! Don't give someone a pet as a gift!) and they could not take care of them.
We are both so excited to have these little ones in our house for a while, it will really help keep our minds off of other things going on over the past few months.
We didn't want to tell anyone for various reasons. We didn't want people to get excited and then be disappointed if it doesn't work out.
We didn't want to hear "But you already have three dogs!" Really? We have three?! I would have NEVER known! Oh My! Thanks for the heads up! Um...but really. We know we have three. They are practically the size of small horses so that makes them a little hard to miss. And really, we don't have to justify what we do or choose to do or how many animals we choose to keep to anyone. We have almost 1000 sq ft fenced in out back, it's flat and shaded and perfect for dogs. We have a little over 1700 sq ft inside, more than 1/2 of it we don't even use. We love animals, we love having them in our house, we love playing with them. That's it.
And honestly, when we were in the darkest of dark places, our dogs helped me through so much. I would pull Boston up in the bed with me and just sob into the scruff of his neck. When I would sulk around the house and Ben was at work, Roxanne would do jump up in my lap and give me big slobbery kisses. And Marley. Poor Marley. He sometimes forgets his brakes don't work as well on the tile kitchen floor, so he would come flying around the corner, hit the tile and skid all the way to the den and make me explode into laughter. They know I need them just as much as they need me. THAT is why we have dogs. THAT is why we will never turn one away when it needs a home. It is our job to take care of these animals.
So yea. If I tell you something, don't run and flap your jaws. It's rude and it makes me strongly dislike you.
Hugs and Kisses.
If I come to you and say "Hey, there are some new and exciting things going on in our life right now, but don't tell soandso, I want to wait until everything is set in stone before we tell anyone else." What the eff do you think I DON'T want you to do? GO TELL SOANDSO. Is that a hard concept? Please. Tell me if it is.
So my idea is: KEEP YOUR EFFING MOUTH SHUT. If I trust you with something and then you go ahead and piss all over that tiny bit of trust I gave you, your relationship with me is ruined. Permanently. THIS is why I don't keep very many close friends. Primary reason.
Since the cat (or dog) is out of the bag, here is our news: We are probably going to be fostering 2 Boxer babies for a while until they find forever homes. They were a gift to someone (Please Note: Pets make terrible gifts! Don't give someone a pet as a gift!) and they could not take care of them.
We are both so excited to have these little ones in our house for a while, it will really help keep our minds off of other things going on over the past few months.
We didn't want to tell anyone for various reasons. We didn't want people to get excited and then be disappointed if it doesn't work out.
We didn't want to hear "But you already have three dogs!" Really? We have three?! I would have NEVER known! Oh My! Thanks for the heads up! Um...but really. We know we have three. They are practically the size of small horses so that makes them a little hard to miss. And really, we don't have to justify what we do or choose to do or how many animals we choose to keep to anyone. We have almost 1000 sq ft fenced in out back, it's flat and shaded and perfect for dogs. We have a little over 1700 sq ft inside, more than 1/2 of it we don't even use. We love animals, we love having them in our house, we love playing with them. That's it.
And honestly, when we were in the darkest of dark places, our dogs helped me through so much. I would pull Boston up in the bed with me and just sob into the scruff of his neck. When I would sulk around the house and Ben was at work, Roxanne would do jump up in my lap and give me big slobbery kisses. And Marley. Poor Marley. He sometimes forgets his brakes don't work as well on the tile kitchen floor, so he would come flying around the corner, hit the tile and skid all the way to the den and make me explode into laughter. They know I need them just as much as they need me. THAT is why we have dogs. THAT is why we will never turn one away when it needs a home. It is our job to take care of these animals.
So yea. If I tell you something, don't run and flap your jaws. It's rude and it makes me strongly dislike you.
Hugs and Kisses.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Allow me to dust off my soapbox
I have been SLAMMED lately. Slammed actually doesn't begin to explain how busy I have been. Running on coffee and 2 hours of sleep every night is starting to wear on me but I like to think of it as a warm up for when we have a baby (and we will have one someday!).
I have been writing this entry in my head since the day before the election, but never got the time to sit down and write it out. So here I go...If anything I say offends you, honestly, too bad. Get over it.
I voted for John McCain. I am proud of my vote. In hindsight, I still would have given my vote to McCain. I liked him personally and agreed with most of his platforms (primarily his tax and health care policies). Am I disappointed that he lost, sure, but I think he put up an honest fight and lost with grace, class and dignity.
Why didn't I vote for Obama? Well...really only because I don't agree with his health care or tax policies. That's it. His race played no factor in my decision. His political party affiliation played no part in my decision. His religion. Obviously not. He is a Christian. So am I. I just disagreed with a few of his views. Simple, right? That is what we were supposed to be voting on, the issues, right?
Here is where I have to break out the soap box.
For those of you who voted for Obama based souly on his race- Shame on you. If you voted for Obama only because he was black or if you didn't vote for him for the same reason, you wasted your vote. We are a country that is working towards breaking down walls between races and cultures, yet a lot of headlines on November 5, 2008 read "America's First Black President". While I do think this is an amazing step for our country, race will continue to be an issue here and around the world as long as we make it one. For those who said "This is history.", congrats, you stated the obvious. EVERY elevtion is history in the making. This election is no different. His race makes this election no more important than any other election. Again, as long as this country continues to make race an issue, it will be.
For those of you who think Obama is some insane Muslim terrorist socialist who is going to ruin the United States, GET.A.GRIP. Obama is one man. Rewind to your middle school social studies class, specifically the parts when you discussed American government. When you get down to it, Obama doesn't really hold that much power. No president does. Regardless as to what he wants to do, he still has to get approval from Congress/Senate members. So unless he has ALLLLLL of them in on his big evil plan, he really can't do all that much. If your memory isn't that great, let's go back a few months. Remember when Bush wanted to pass the $700 BILLION government bail out? He may have thought it was the best thing for this country since cable tv, but the House still had to give him the go ahead to sign it into effect. See how that works? It's called Checks and Balances. It prevents any branch or person from becoming too powerful.
For those Liberals who felt the need to tell me that you will "Take my money, take my guns, take my God and MAKE ME CHANGE" (and that is a direct quote). Please. You can take my money. Enjoy the cheeseburger, because that's about all it will buy you. And help yourself to my guns. That supersoaker will come in handy, I'm sure. And PLEASE. Challenge my God. I would LOVE to see that. Really. I could use a laugh. And finally, please make me change. I have a crazy Irish streak a mile wide and it is complete with attitude and stubborness. It would be quite impressive to "make me change". Your candidate won. YAY! I have the confetti and chips, you bring the dip and soda and we will have a party!
And my favorite group. The "Christians" (and yes, I use that term very loosely). Some of you have made me ashamed to group myself even remotely close to you. Aren't we supposed to be the group that accepts EVERYONE and aren't we the group that is not supposed to pass judgement? Isn't that what we are called upon to be like? Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I will eat my words if Obama turns out to be the Anti-Christ, which I HIGHLY doubt. And while I'm on my soapbox, let's be honest. If this is the end, we should be excited. Thrilled. Over the moon. Heaven awaits me on the other side and what I hear is, it is going to be awesome. I have grandparents, friends, great aunts and uncles and our baby waiting on me. Ben has his dad and grandparents and our little one waiting on him. What do we have to be scared of? If this is the end, we will be raptured before it all hits the fan here, so why care? Really? I'm not scared. I know where I'm going when this is all over. Maybe those who passed such harsh judgement on Obama need too look inward and re-evaluate themselves.
And finally. President Elect Obama (I know you read this). You aren't my candidate of choice, but you are soon to be the leader of the country I love. Show me what you can do. Do I expect you to save the world on your first day in office? No. Do I expect you to save our economy and finacial systems within six months? No. But I do expect you to be honest. And work hard to fulfill your promises. You made a lot of things sound really good to a lot of people, so show me what you can do. You have my trust and support and my prayers for guidance until you give me a reason not to let you have them.
In the words of Forrest Gump "And that's all I have to say about that."
I have been writing this entry in my head since the day before the election, but never got the time to sit down and write it out. So here I go...If anything I say offends you, honestly, too bad. Get over it.
I voted for John McCain. I am proud of my vote. In hindsight, I still would have given my vote to McCain. I liked him personally and agreed with most of his platforms (primarily his tax and health care policies). Am I disappointed that he lost, sure, but I think he put up an honest fight and lost with grace, class and dignity.
Why didn't I vote for Obama? Well...really only because I don't agree with his health care or tax policies. That's it. His race played no factor in my decision. His political party affiliation played no part in my decision. His religion. Obviously not. He is a Christian. So am I. I just disagreed with a few of his views. Simple, right? That is what we were supposed to be voting on, the issues, right?
Here is where I have to break out the soap box.
For those of you who voted for Obama based souly on his race- Shame on you. If you voted for Obama only because he was black or if you didn't vote for him for the same reason, you wasted your vote. We are a country that is working towards breaking down walls between races and cultures, yet a lot of headlines on November 5, 2008 read "America's First Black President". While I do think this is an amazing step for our country, race will continue to be an issue here and around the world as long as we make it one. For those who said "This is history.", congrats, you stated the obvious. EVERY elevtion is history in the making. This election is no different. His race makes this election no more important than any other election. Again, as long as this country continues to make race an issue, it will be.
For those of you who think Obama is some insane Muslim terrorist socialist who is going to ruin the United States, GET.A.GRIP. Obama is one man. Rewind to your middle school social studies class, specifically the parts when you discussed American government. When you get down to it, Obama doesn't really hold that much power. No president does. Regardless as to what he wants to do, he still has to get approval from Congress/Senate members. So unless he has ALLLLLL of them in on his big evil plan, he really can't do all that much. If your memory isn't that great, let's go back a few months. Remember when Bush wanted to pass the $700 BILLION government bail out? He may have thought it was the best thing for this country since cable tv, but the House still had to give him the go ahead to sign it into effect. See how that works? It's called Checks and Balances. It prevents any branch or person from becoming too powerful.
For those Liberals who felt the need to tell me that you will "Take my money, take my guns, take my God and MAKE ME CHANGE" (and that is a direct quote). Please. You can take my money. Enjoy the cheeseburger, because that's about all it will buy you. And help yourself to my guns. That supersoaker will come in handy, I'm sure. And PLEASE. Challenge my God. I would LOVE to see that. Really. I could use a laugh. And finally, please make me change. I have a crazy Irish streak a mile wide and it is complete with attitude and stubborness. It would be quite impressive to "make me change". Your candidate won. YAY! I have the confetti and chips, you bring the dip and soda and we will have a party!
And my favorite group. The "Christians" (and yes, I use that term very loosely). Some of you have made me ashamed to group myself even remotely close to you. Aren't we supposed to be the group that accepts EVERYONE and aren't we the group that is not supposed to pass judgement? Isn't that what we are called upon to be like? Correct me if I'm wrong, please. I will eat my words if Obama turns out to be the Anti-Christ, which I HIGHLY doubt. And while I'm on my soapbox, let's be honest. If this is the end, we should be excited. Thrilled. Over the moon. Heaven awaits me on the other side and what I hear is, it is going to be awesome. I have grandparents, friends, great aunts and uncles and our baby waiting on me. Ben has his dad and grandparents and our little one waiting on him. What do we have to be scared of? If this is the end, we will be raptured before it all hits the fan here, so why care? Really? I'm not scared. I know where I'm going when this is all over. Maybe those who passed such harsh judgement on Obama need too look inward and re-evaluate themselves.
And finally. President Elect Obama (I know you read this). You aren't my candidate of choice, but you are soon to be the leader of the country I love. Show me what you can do. Do I expect you to save the world on your first day in office? No. Do I expect you to save our economy and finacial systems within six months? No. But I do expect you to be honest. And work hard to fulfill your promises. You made a lot of things sound really good to a lot of people, so show me what you can do. You have my trust and support and my prayers for guidance until you give me a reason not to let you have them.
In the words of Forrest Gump "And that's all I have to say about that."
"You have to do the best with what God gave you."
Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump
Monday, November 3, 2008
S.O.S!
I'm still here. I promise.
Right now I am drowning in a sea of school work. It seems no matter how hard I work, the stack just gets bigger and bigger.
I have to do a genogram for a Family Relationship's class I am in (and I really am enjoying this project), but I spend 7 hours (SEVEN) working on it on Friday and am no closer to being done than when I started.
And I have to do these Infant/Toddler and Preschool observations for Child Development, which I also enjoy. But I always leave feeling so empty and sad. In 5 months, I should be having my own infant and I'm not. It's heart breaking to go into centers everyday and be reminded of what I don't have.
I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I am really thankful that I got a week off for my surgery, but I am starting to feel like it wasn't enough time. I am thinking maybe I repressed a lot of what I was going through at the time and flung myself back into my school work to have something to keep my mind busy.
OR maybe I am just having a bad day and need to go back and reread promises I made to all of you that everything would be ok and someday we will have our own baby and I just need to have faith and trust that God will see us through this.
Listening to your own advice is a tough, jagged pill to swallow sometimes.
Right now I am drowning in a sea of school work. It seems no matter how hard I work, the stack just gets bigger and bigger.
I have to do a genogram for a Family Relationship's class I am in (and I really am enjoying this project), but I spend 7 hours (SEVEN) working on it on Friday and am no closer to being done than when I started.
And I have to do these Infant/Toddler and Preschool observations for Child Development, which I also enjoy. But I always leave feeling so empty and sad. In 5 months, I should be having my own infant and I'm not. It's heart breaking to go into centers everyday and be reminded of what I don't have.
I'm so ready for this semester to be over. I am really thankful that I got a week off for my surgery, but I am starting to feel like it wasn't enough time. I am thinking maybe I repressed a lot of what I was going through at the time and flung myself back into my school work to have something to keep my mind busy.
OR maybe I am just having a bad day and need to go back and reread promises I made to all of you that everything would be ok and someday we will have our own baby and I just need to have faith and trust that God will see us through this.
Listening to your own advice is a tough, jagged pill to swallow sometimes.
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