Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable New Year!

We got pretty crazy here at our house. My dad came in, we ordered Pizza Hut, watched The Hangover and were in bed by 12:30am. WHOA. Pretty insane. haha. It was low key and easy and that's all I was looking for.

First, here is my 31 Week Belly Pic from last week:
And that would be Boston, one of our Boxers, being a punk and sneaking into the picture. He LOVES being in Abbey's room even though he knows it is technically off limits. You can tell by his face he knows he is busted.

Anyway, Ben and I were talking today and I almost fell out of my seat when he said "Ya know, we are having a baby next month."

Um, excuse me? Next month? Holy snot. Where has time gone? I remember getting our BFP back in June like it happened yesterday. I'm so not ready for this to be over. I'm really not.I've loved every minute of this pregnancy, even barfing my head off in the shower and readjusting myself 93898 times at night because it feels like my hips might break in half. I know and Ben knows that no matter how much I have enjoyed this pregnancy, this is likely our last. I don't really want to go through the stress of TTC again, I definitely don't want to go through the insanity of Clomid and thousands of dates with dildo cam's again and honestly, I think one baby here is enough. We've got an angel and a baby. What else do we need? We both have good jobs and make pretty good money, so lack of funding isn't keeping us from going for two. There is something stuck in our heads that says one will be enough. We already love Abbey (and Buddha) so much that I can't imagine sharing that love with another. As I've said, we write nothing in stone. If God chooses to bless us again or points us down the road of adoption, we are open to it. But at the moment, it's far from our minds and not remotely close to being in our interests. (By the way, why does everyone ask if we will be having another baby? Can't we get this one here before we have to yield that question?)

Speaking of Buddha, I've slipped back into some sort of funk about losing him lately. I don't know if it's the holidays that remind me I should have a baby in my arms now, taking his pictures as he opens presents, showing him off at family gatherings. Or maybe it's that I constantly get asked about this pregnancy when we go out. It never fails. Someone asks "Is this your first baby?" Ugh. I get a knot in my stomach when I get asked that. It's not our first, but it's just easier to smile and say yes. Then I get this wave of guilt that washes over me that wants to retract that statement and tell them all about Buddha and how great our time with him was and how special he still is to us. But I don't. It's a really awkward spot between a rock and a hard spot. There is no right answer. Buddha is always going to be our angel. Abbey will always (God willing) be our baby. But how do you explain that to a stranger who asks an innocent question in under 10 seconds?

I'm so excited for 2010. I will spend the evenings watching Abbey dance in my belly. Ben will continue to bring me water or pillows or whatever I need at the time. We will hopefully catch a few more movies in the theater before our movie going days are over. We will be welcoming our daughter and completing our family. We will learn how to be parents. We will be growing as a couple (and hopefully not killing each other in the process). We will be going on a lot more adrenaline and a lot less sleep. We will be focusing on spending more time with our families. We will get to watch Abbey grow and learn right in front of us. We are so excited and can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

Buddha, I hope you enjoyed your New Year! I'm sure the celebration up there was more exciting than ours was here at home. Your dad and I still think about you and talk about you every day. You are never far from our hearts or our minds. Please don't think you are ever going to be left behind, as you are permanently attached to my heart. Every day I can feel you slowly mending the hole that was left in my heart the day we lost you. It's not closed yet, but it's getting there. We love you so, so much.

Abbey, I know we both tell you a thousand times a day we love you, but it's so much more than that. You make me smile more times in a day than I can count. You are just like your momma in so many ways. You dance like crazy when I watch my favorite shows. It makes me laugh so hard when I listen to Britney Spears in the car (partly to drive your dad nuts and partly because she is so darn catchy!) and we watch you bounce around at the stoplights. But you are just like your daddy in all the ways that make me love him most. You always give one big stretch right before you settle in for a nap just like he does. You instantly relax when you listen to your Bob Marley lullaby CD. I love watching your daddy light up when he feels you kick so hard. You are our miracle and we can't wait to meet you (next month!).

And Bellybutton, throw in the towel. You've made it 32 weeks. It's okay. Ben and I laugh at your feeble attempts to hang on, but it's getting kinda sad. Every day you are more shallow than you were the day before. You fought the good fight and it's really okay to pop out like a turkey timer now, haha! You will go back to your deep state once again...someday.


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Erin said...

Laid back new years are the best!

I love reading your blog, I always look forward to reading the new ones. hehe.

Abbey & Buddha are so lucky to have you and Ben as parents =)

Amanda Hoyt said...

Happy New Year, Cate, Ben, Abbey & Buddha!
We will never forget your angel baby, Cate :)
I know how you are feeling - I sometimes feel that way too.
Take care of yourselves and get ready for next month :) You are in for the best times of your lives :)