Saturday, June 13, 2009

The IF Roller Coaster

I'm not going to throw myself a huge pity party.

My chart does indicate some form of ovulation this cycle, so that is great. I did have a late response to the Clomid (CD19), but should we need to move onto another cycle (24, but who is really still counting at this point?), we will up my Clomid does and move my start date from CD5 to CD3.

And that's where the roller coaster starts. There are moments I am so filled with optimism I really feel like I could split down the sides. This is our cycle, I can feel it in my soul. We triggered 2 follies, we did everything right. This.Is.It.

Then, I am scared. What if this isn't it? What if we have to start over. Again. My heart feel so heavy at times I really think it might just fall out my butt. Dislodge from its safe cavity in my chest and fly out my rear end. I am really trying so hard to stay positive and optimistic, but it is really hard some days.

So I think I just need more prayer. I need some of this burden lifted off of me. I don't know why I feel so guilty over this whole stupid pregnancy loss/IF situation we find ourselves in.

MY body failed with Buddha.

MY ovaries are what is holding us up.

MY body is not cooperating.

It's MY fault Ben isn't a father of a 6 week old right now.

It's MY fault my parents aren't grandparents.

It feels like the weight of the world sits on MY chest and I need to get my act together and just have a baby already.

I know these are totally irrational. I know I need to slap myself and get out of this funk. I know I am on this path for a reason. I know God has a plan that is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and the day we see His plan come full circle will be the best day of our life. I know we are so blessed to not be dealing with MFI issues or severe issues on my end. I know we have so many other things we are thankful for every day. I know this is just a speed bump. I know this is temporary.

Pray for me? Please? Or, if you see me out and about, slap me and tell me to get my act together.

I am not a victim of IF. We will beat this. We will be the victors.



momqat said...

I could say all kinds of "your feelings are normal" kinds of things. Instead, I'll just say I love you better than a fat kid loves cake and I pray for you all the time. It's hard to understand God's plan sometimes, but all things will come together for you.

Terri said...

Dan and I will definitely pray for you. Keep being a 'prisoner of hope'!

Amanda Hoyt said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way but I totally understand your feelings...I'm praying for you daily, friend.