Tuesday, June 16, 2009

What IF teaches you....

Well...maybe what IF has taught me.

-My marriage is so much than I ever thought it could be.

We are breezing through something (IF) that has the potential and the track record of ruining marriages. We are as solid as a boulder and nothing that we have been through has put even an ounce of stress into our marriage. It has made it stronger, able to weather any storm. It has formed a trust between Ben and I that I never thought I would be able to share with anyone. It has shown me what love really is and all the potential it holds. For that, I am blessed.

-I am stronger and braver than I ever thought I would be.

I started out as a girl who would faint at the thought of a needle even coming close to her, who would cringe at even the thought of her annual gynecology appointment because someone might *gasp* see her naked(!), who didn't speak up when she didn't understand something at a doctors appointment, who knew nothing about the way her body works, who has been through the tragedy of losing a child and lived to tell about it.

Almost 2 years later, I am now a woman who knows her body, how it works and why it does the things it does. I am now a woman who doesn't even blink during one of thousands of blood draws or hormone injections. I am now a woman who has the "pants off and on the table" drill down to a science. I am now a woman who is an advocate for her own health. I am now a woman who can serve as encouragement and support to other women who are facing the same struggles I have.

-You really learn who your true supporters are when you face hard times.

It's funny how those who you thought were in your corner slip into the woodwork when you most need them because they are uncomfortable about our situation (I'm the one getting probed by dildo cams....I should be the one who is uncomfortable!). And at the same time, your friends who you thought you had lost touch with or the uncle you were never that close to step up at just the right time to offer support or encouraging words.

-Patience is a virtue.

I have never been patient. I've never had to be. I've always gotten what I want, when I want it. IF is teaching me a much needed lesson. (By the way, IF, I get it! I've learned!)

-You can never be mad at your husband.

Maybe this refers back to Point #1. Maybe it doesn't. When dealing with IF, you can't be mad. Going to an RE appt mad at each other probably won't look good on your part. You have to have lots of sex (in our case). You don't want to hit the sack with someone you are mad at. You have to put on a brave face together in public, especially at work events or family functions. You can't enter as a team if you are mad. You learn to look over the little things, talk out the big issues and move past the biggest fights quickly. You have to.

-You have to look at the big picture.

IF is just one aspect of our lives. One tiny aspect. It makes up less than a fingernail of who I am as a person, or who we are as a couple. This isn't forever. This is temporary. This isn't life long or terminal. This is fixable. This is what it is. If you let it consume your whole life, it will. If you put it on the back burner of your mind, but keep it in the front pocket of your heart, it won't consume you. It will remain just a small aspect of your life.

Infertility sucks. It makes you feel broken. It makes you gain weight (thanks hormones and medications). It pushes you to what you think is your breaking point. It forces you to smile at your friends baby showers while you feel like your heart might just shatter right inside your chest. It makes you desperate.

But it also makes you brave. It makes you stronger. It can build your faith. It can make you fall even more in love with your spouse. It makes up just one of the many speed bumps in your life. It is what it is. We are going to have a baby. In due time.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....right?


"Where there is great love, there are always miracles!"

Isaiah 30:18
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

Psalm 113:9
He gives the unfertile woman a family, making her a happy mother of children. Give praise to the Lord.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


momqat said...

How many years have I encouraged each of you to be an advocate for your own health issues/concerns?? I guess that teaching is reinforced when you are in a position where you have to be. You and Ben were meant to be together. I knew that the first time I met him. He fits in (frighteningly so) with our wacky family. He was able to give as well as he got the first time he was around us. God will bless you both.
luv ya!

Jessica Loves Trevor (JLT) said...

This is beautifully and eloquently written AND incredibly true. Going through IF made my marriage a hundred times stronger than I ever thought it could be and gave me a test in patience that I thought for sure I'd fail. You'll get through this and be a better person for it (as you already know)! I'm praying for you guys!

Gossamer Wings said...

You are amazing. I love you.

Mrs.G said...

I love it. :)

Amanda Hoyt said...

Great post, Cate!
...Still praying...

Erin said...

You are so right. and some of these apply to things other than IF too (like finding out who is really in your corner!) You're definitely an inspiration for a lot of people! keep it up, you're a strong lady =)