::Nervous::

Tomorrow is (IMO) our most important appt yet. We will find out if I:

(A) Responded to Clomid at all. The lack of side effects is making me think it didn't work, but the lack of symptoms may also be due to the obscene amount of Gatorade I have been drinking over the past 6 days.

(B) If I have any follicles (eggs) ready to go and if they are worth anything (big enough to meet with a sperm and create an embryo).

(C) When/If we can do my trigger injection.

(D) If the Clomid has created any more cysts on my ovaries (not what we want).

It's honestly overwhelming. This is why I get so frustrated when people just assume you go on Clomid and BAM!-you're pregnant.

It is so not that easy.

There are so many factors that a (good) Dr (OB or RE) needs to look at while you are taking Clomid. If my RE wasn't paying attention and was just writing Clomid scripts left and right, I would have lost my right ovary bc of the size of the cyst that was on my right side at the time. Being on Clomid is expensive. Between all the copay's (which I will never complain about, we are so, so blessed to live in a state that mandates insurance co's to provide IF coverage-many IF couples are not as lucky as we are), the thousands of ultrasounds (which again, we are so lucky and they are covered through our insurance) the Rx's, the "outside expenses" (Preseed-highly recommended, esp during O-week sex marathons, Fertility Friend subscriptions and all the other things that slip through the cracks). It is expensive, yet I will not complain. This is why we went to college, got good jobs with great pay. We thank God every day that we are fortunate enough to be able to afford our treatment.

Women who need Clomid, or any fertility drug for that matter, don't take it for craps and giggles. They take it because they need it in order to (hopefully) kick their ovaries into gear. They aren't fun pills that guarantee a viable pregnancy. They guarantee nothing.

It get's under my skin so bad when people don't even try to make an effort to understand what taking all these meds can do to your system, your hormones, your marriage and your life. Side ways, snippy comments make to couples dealing with IF regarding the choices they are making to start their family are so unnecessary. We aren't asking to be set up on a pedestal and worshiped, we just want privacy. If we want to talk about what is going on, we will bring it up.

I don't need to be asked every single time I see you "Have you started your injections yet?"

As a matter of fact, I haven't. As a matter of fact, I have told you several times I won't start them until the third week of this cycle. As a matter of fact, I know you know I am not in the third week yet, so why do you continue to ask? If I want to talk about the injections that I am nervous about and dreading/looking forward to at the same time, I will bring it up. So quit being so farking nosey? Okay?


IF can consume a couple. Their marriage, their professional life, everything.
I take that back.
It can consume you-if you let it.

Ben and I were feeling the pressure of this cycle this weekend. I felt myself thinking about the money we have sunk into this 30 day time frame of our life, the time we have invested in that 30 day time period, the number of times I have heard "Pants off and on the table" in that 30 day time period, how comfortable I am getting flashing my privates to strangers (mainly my RE and his staff, but you catch my drift), how freakishly comfortable I am starting to find their squishy exam table and heated foot plates on the lovely stirrups and how on EARTH did we find ourselves here?

So we snuck away to my MIL's for two days. Best.Decision.Ever. My MIL doesn't live on a resort property, have a large inground pool or 24 hour roomm services at her house. To be honest, she lives in Logan, WV. Some call it the arm pit of WV. ::giggle:: I love going there; Ben swears it's because I didn't grow up there, but I say I love going there because it's not home. It's an escape. While we are there, I don't worry about failed cycles, injections or upcoming Dr appts. I don't wonder how many more cycles we will have to go through to get that magic BFP again. I don't care about the meaningless drama two opposing friends are sparking between each other (I promptly blog about it and move on, duh). I just enjoy spending time with Ben and his family. We sleep in. His mom cooks us amazing meals. We watch TV. We play with the dogs (my MIL is awesome and always welcomes ALL THREE off our rowdy crew). We relax. We take a deep breath. We hit the reset button and prepare to return to our normal (is there such a thing as normal?) lives back at home. We aren't labeled by our IF for a few days. We are just Ben and Cate. Owners of three insane dogs. Lovers of movies. Eaters of his mom's veggie pizza. Sarstic quip exchanging punks. Tickle/slap/punch fighting opponents. We are just us. And it's nice.

Part of me loves it just being the two of us....but there is still that part of me that wants a physical representation of the love we have for each other- a child. We're getting there. One (baby) step at a time.

So, as always, keep us in your prayers tomorrow. I'll try to update quickly from my Blackberry when I leave the office, but we will see if I am smart enough to figure it out. We would love for this to be our winning cycle, but know things will happen in God's time, not ours.

And, as always, let me know what I can pray for you about. Leave a comment or shoot me an e-mail (addy is to the right--->).




Hugs&Kisses