So here it is.
We are pregnant!
I can't believe I am blessed enough to get to type those three words out. Ben and I have known for over a week now, but, like I said, I had a hard time knowing when to post our big announcement. It's like a secret I wanted (and still want) to keep close to my heart and not share it with anyone. I didn't want to jinx anything. I didn't want people to get disappointed if it all turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. I was (and still am) overjoyed, thrilled, nervous and scared to the core. Maybe terrified is a better word. Who knows? Not me. All I know right now, at this moment is we are pregnant and we are both already so in love with our little one.
So what worked? For us it was a combination or:
-Metformin-1500mg, every day
-Clomid-100mg, CD 5-9
-HCG Trigger, CD 17
-Progesterone Supps, 3DPO and on through 14 weeks
-Pineapple Core, 1-2 inch piece, 3-7DPO (helps with implantation)
-Pomegranate Juice- 8 ounces, every day (helps with egg quality)
So far, every thing looks good, which we are so, so thankful for. I swear an hour doesn't go by when I don't thank God for this blessing. My initial beta's were 120 at 13 DPO and 1251 at 19 DPO, which gives them a doubling time of about 43 hours (beta's are supposed to double at least every 48-72 hours). My progesterone levels look awesome (thanks in part to the nasty progesterone supps, but whatever it takes, right?). My levels were always decent with Buddha, but never exactly right, so I am taking this as a good sign.
I can't even describe how I feel at this moment. It's such a jumble. I am so thrilled and excited, that goes without saying. But, just like I knew it would, a prior loss taints every pregnancy after it. I wonder if I will ever feel 100% comfortable in this pregnancy, or any pregnancy for that matter. Every cramp or twinge sends a shock wave through my heart. The progesterone I am on is known to cause spotting, and so far, it has only done so twice, but every time it makes your chest hurt. (Luckily both times it was only light pink and was high up near my cervix so I knew it was nothing major, but you can understand the fear.) I had two back to back dreams in which I had a miscarriage last weekend. Those are enough to make you not want to sleep for a week.
So I pray. All day. All night. I wake up praying, I eat praying, I go to sleep praying. A very dear friend said to me "This is not your baby, this is God's baby and you have to trust that He knows what is best for the both of you." And she's right. This isn't ours. This is God's and He was just nice enough to share it with us for the time being. In a perfect world, He will share this with us for many, many years to come. If that is not His plan....well....to be honest, I don't even go there. We'll cross that bridge should we come to it.
Our first ultrasound is next Tuesday, July 7. I am nervously excited. I am pretty sure we will not be able to see the heartbeat yet, but if we do I will take it as an added bonus. The purpose of this first early u/s is to date the pregnancy and make sure everything is right where it should be.
So please continue to pray for us. We are cautiously optimistic and ever faithful. Pray for our baby, pray for my nerves, pray for Ben to survive all my insanity, pray for a smooth, uneventful pregnancy. Just pray.
And this will likely be my last disclaimer I ever have to write on this blog. Do not, do not, do not breathe a word of this to anyone. Not on facebook, not to your neighbor, not to your mom's friend, your aunt- family of ours or not. Anyone. We don't know when we will make a large, formal announcement, but I would like to have the privilege of telling people, not by having others find out through the grapevine. The majority of you are strangers to me and live far away, some are friends and family. Please keep this to yourself. As of right now only my immediate family, Ben's immediate family and my grandparents know, so please try to keep it that way. Don't burn me on this one. Clearly this is important to us and we want to keep it to ourselves right now. I do have a certain degree of anonymity on here and that is why I chose to put this information out there. And, as I have said before, this blog is for me to look back at in later years and see all that we overcame. This is not a place for you to gather the latest gossip.
Should this prove to be a problem, this blog will indefinitely move to a private site and I will pick and choose who has access to it. I do have an idea who stops by over here right now, so that does help, but please don't make me move to a private account.
I would give you the same courtesy's I am asking for above, so please do the same for me.
::steps off soapbox::
I'll post later about our (hilarious and embarrassing) BFP story, cravings, symptoms and all the other joys we are experiencing right now sometime later, but for right now, we are just trying to enjoy this amazing blessing God has handed down to us.
Due Feb. 28, 2010
I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27
1 Samuel 1:27