So close....Yet so awesome

Next Friday I graduate from college.


For real.


Seven years of hard work will be behind me. I will walk away with my handful of degrees and certifications and never look back. I'm glad it's over. It's been stressful, expensive, emotionally draining and pointless (on most accounts).

To the shock of many, I am not attending Marshall University's graduation ceremony. I have no interest in sitting still for three hours, to be recognized for .32 seconds, then have to sit another two hours while people I have never heard of and will never see again prance across the stage, snatch their (fake) diploma (yes, they give you a fake diploma at graduation-you get the real one in the mail in June), and sit back down. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. Parking is always a nightmare, it is always mass chaos downtown around the arena and there is no where to eat following the ceremony because everyone and their mother has to stampede to the (mediocre at best) MU Cafe for a celebratory lunch.

I'll pass.

Instead I will be attending the Marshall Community and Technical College's graduation ceremony. One hour, short, sweet and to the point. I still get my .32 seconds of recognition, but for the other 59 minutes, 54.68 seconds I will get to admire the amazingly beautiful Keith Albee Theater (website not available for some reason). Not only do I have a stronger bond with my friends in the community college program, I loved the program a thousand times more than I did either of the University programs I was in. The professors were better, the classes weren't a waste of my time and it was just an overall better experience for me personally.

But back to the Keith Albee. I wish you could see it in person. If you know me, you know I inherited a love of architecture (especially older buildings and houses) from my dad. This theater is the pinnacle of amazing buildings. They have done such an awesome job restoring this theater and keeping everything as close to original as they can. The ceiling is a huge dome, seriously, it is HUGE. The stage is bordered by gold sculptures. All the fixtures in the bathrooms are original-they even have the old school black and white checked tile in them. There is an organ that is played on occasion that is unreal. Even as I type I wish you could see it. Pictures mined from the Internet will have to do for now.









The blue that you see behind the theater stage stretches over the entire ceiling. It is unreal. When you stand in the center of the entire place, you feel like you are 1/2 inch tall.

So yea. I'm pumped to go back into the Albee. I know it will likely be the last time I am ever in there and I want to enjoy it (oh yea, and get my (fake) diploma). I would pee myself if they let me take some pictures while inside, but they have gotten pretty strict about it lately. Apparently some people took some pictures of the theater and then sold them, not giving any of the profits back to the theater and apparently that is a no-no. One bad apple ruins the whole bunch I suppose. The fact that I have a profession camera also doesn't help my case. Owell, I'll get them if I can.

W00T for being done with college!
Double W00T for graduating in such an awesome venue.


Hugs&Kisses




PS-Monday is my BIRTHDAY!

In case you didn't know...

God is great and He always provides.










Hugs&Kisses

Yesterday

I would have been 40 weeks pg (I am still trying to figure out why my due date was 5/7/09. Yet another reason we left my first OB, lol).


Anyway, long story short, I survived! No tears, not really overwhelmingly sad. Just filled with peace.

Miss California (Yes, the same one who is being burned at the stake right now for voicing her opinion when asked for it-yet another topic I could speak for hours on but won't in this entry) said on the Today Show last week following her loss at the Miss USA pageant "It was not in God's plan for me to win last night." It hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't in God's plan for me to have Buddha be just ours. So be it. As the hymn says "It is well with my soul".


Moving on. My test date in Monday. I doubt I'm pregnant this cycle. Ben had his SA the same day I O'ed, we didn't sex it up prior to my O date because of his SA, etc, etc. It would take a miracle, which I believe can happen. Time will tell. I'm not really counting on it though.


Hugs&Kisses!

Deep breaths

I am taking a minute to be the bitter IF girl.


It's not fair that I have to take stupid, nasty progesterone supps just to get and stay pregnant. It's not fair that I had to drop a load of cash on IF medications today. It's not fair that this just "happens" for other people.



I'm pissed and I'm bitter tonight. I don't even care anymore.

Speechless

I am very blessed. I know this.

I prayed for a great husband. God gave me that and then some.

I prayed that we would find the house meant for us. God gave us that and the means to afford it.

I prayed and prayed for my dream job to be offered to me. God gave me that and awesome coworkers.

I pray for health and well being for those in my family and around me. God gives me that daily.

I have always prayed for great friends. God has gone above and beyond in this area.

I have struggled to keep Buddha's memory alive. The ten weeks we spent with him were the best of my life (so far). He made both of us so happy and thankful and excited. We want others to remember that he is still very much a part of us and always will be, but I also know that it is hard to do so without harping on the loss and coming off as though I am in a constant state of grief and mourning.

Many, many have stepped up, especially as we get closer and closer to our original due date, who want to do something to help memorialize Buddha. My brother has offered to buy us a tree and plant it in our yard as a memorial. A good- no, a great Nestie friend (Hi, Armandos!) has offered to make a donation to the March of Dimes in Buddha's memory. Several local friends have offered to take me or both of us out on May 7 to keep our minds busy and our spirits light.

And today, I got an e-mail from a group of high school friends, some of who I have not spoken too in years. They made a very generous donation to KinderMourn. This Sunday KinderMourn is sponsoring a duck race at the US National Whitewater Center. The kind donation that they made will sponsor 12 of our own little duckies who will race down the rapids to the finish line. Our ducks are racing under "Team Baby Buddha" and we are so proud of each one of them. This is a charity that provides a safe haven for families whose lives have been shattered by the death of a child. They provide a comforting place for families to grieve over their loss and put the pieces back together after their world falls apart following the loss of their child.

There really is no way to let all these people know how much this truly means to us. There really isn't. Of course I always say Thank You and let them know how much their gesture means to us, but other than that, what can you do? I wish I could send a marching band, parade of elephants and an oversize cake with a scantily clad girl ready to pop out the top in it to each of their doors just so they know how much these things mean to us. But, that would get expensive quick and I don't think too many towns would be too thrilled if there were large piles of elephant crap spread about the town.


So. Chris, Armandos, Becca, Alicia, Alisa, Amber, Megan, Kim, Carol, Rachel, Carrie and all the others who are striving to keep Buddha's memory alive and well, we really do thank you. There is no way to for you to know how much this means to us unless you have been in our seat and have had the same kind of out pouring of love and support come from so many people. Unfortunately the only one way for you to understand how much this really means to us is for you go through the loss of your own child and I wouldn't wish that on my very worst enemy in the world.

I would write in this blog all day if it would help you realize how much it means to us both and how much it raises our spirit and our heart. We love you all and appreciate all the kind donations and gestures so many of you have made.


Love,
Cate and Ben



PS-This is probably a scattered entry and I will come back and read this later and question how I could write something so unorganized. It's hard to type a coherent entry when you are so emotionally charged (in a great way) and have tears (of joy) streaming down your face. My apologies for the insanity above.

We're getting there!

Ok. Where to start? Last Friday sound good? Great.


Friday
We met with our new RE, who is amazing (Dr. Gantt if you are in the Charleston area). He looked at my charts (and was thrilled that I have been charting for as long as I have-Go Me!) After going over a quick TTC history chit chat asking/answering a bazillion questions, we talked about our "plan".

He definitely wanted to repeat Ben's SA. He had already had 2 done, one that was terrible, the other one that was okay, not great but better than the previous one had been. He also let us know that some lab techs don't really know what they are looking for when they do a SA which could be part of the reason our results were so skewed both times. So he gave us the paperwork to take down to their IUI/IVF lab where they have techs that are there only to process SA's and know exactly what they are looking for.

He also wants me on Progesterone supplements. Now, go back in time with me. Almost two months to the day ago (here), I called my prior OB and asked them to run a Progesterone screening because I felt like I had LPD. Long story short, they said "No way, Jose!" and I got a second opinion. We (the RE, his partner and Ben and I) talked about our miscarriage and LPD is why he believes I miscarried. Basically, my body didn't produce enough Progesterone to support the pregnancy. When I went in for my final blood draw the day before my D&C my beta's were in the 50,000's but my Progesterone was 2. We will never know 100% if that was the reason, but he and his partner seemed to be pretty sure that is what the issue was. This is an easy fix (Progesterone supplements) and had my original OB been monitoring my beta's and progesterone like my new OB does, it probably could have been fixed and I would be 39 weeks pregnant right now. Such as life through, right? (<-That subject is enough to send me into a fit of rage filled with profanity and tears, so I'll leave it for later.) They also pointed out on my chart where they are fairly certain I had a chemical pregnancy in November. I wasn't testing at the time, so I knew nothing about it. No need being upset about it now though. We are moving forward.

Saturday/Sunday/Monday
We sat around and waited for our next appt Tuesday.

Tuesday
We started off the day with my RE calling (did I mention he has a really thick New Orleans-esque accent. I have a crush on his voice, haha!). He told us to come right up to his office after we dropped the sample off and he would go over it with us himself (Awesome!). So Ben did his thing and we raced off to the hospital with the "specimen" tucked safely in my bra (only other IF girls will probably find the humor in that-only because they have been there and done it themselves, lol). We went straight up to the RE's office and went straight back and saw the Dr. Ben's test looked awesome. Count is high, morphology is great, motility is "better than great" and he has no concerns with Ben's swimmers.

On to me then, lol. He laid out several options, the main three being:
(1.) Keep trying on our own (which in his opinion is not working).
(2.) Finish this cycle on our own and start Clomid, CD 5-9, next month. Try the Clomid for three monitored cycles (meaning I go in for an US ~every 7 days or so to make sure my ovaries and uterine lining are reacting well to the Clomid) and see what happens.
(3.) IUI with fertility drugs (Clomid and a few others).

We chose Door #2. It's the least invasive and offers the best success rates for where we are right now.

So, YAY! I am honestly a mess of emotions right now. Since Friday I have felt so great. I can not remember a time when I felt this optimistic and hopeful regarding TTC. After a while it drains you completely and you almost don't even care any more. I feel like we are moving in the right direction and and getting answers and plans and positivity and support (things I feel, now looking back, we did not get at our original OB-but again, that is a different post for a different day).

But there is another part of me that can't believe we are moving onto fertility drugs. There are women out there who think Clomid is no big deal, you take it and you get pregnant. It's not that easy. It's a drug that, in a way, forces your body to do something it doesn't want to do. It comes with side effects. But, we want a baby. This is the route we have to take to get there. So Clomid it is. We are so lucky that we do not have MFI issues and really, we don't have major issues on my end. They are easily treated and have a high success rate of producing healthy, full term babies.


And here's the part where I drag out my soapbox, dust it off and step up (and is mainly aimed at those of you who know me IRL). Please keep the "TWINS!" comments, the "Are you pregnant?" questions and other nonsense to yourself. I really don't think you understand how that can go right through the heart when you say it to one of us. We are breaking our backs to have one healthy baby, so we don't need the added pressure. Keep the "Just relax.", "Don't stress." bull sh*t to yourself too. And for the one who said "I'm glad they figured out what is wrong with you." (you know who you are and I love you dearly), be warned that you almost got throat punched on that one. We are really trying to stay positive. Hearing you blab for 20 minutes about what is wrong with me, even though pretty much everything you said was untrue and proved that you hadn't listened to a thing I said/wrote, was excruciating on this end and required more self control than I am used to using in an effort not to choke the life out of you. There is nothing wrong, just some things that need fine tuned, that's all.

My very dear friend, Rachel, posted this article the other day and I feel that there are a handful of you who could benefit from reading it, even though I have posted similar entries here and here and here and several other places through out this blog. So, please think about what you say before you say it. Even joking comments stab at our hearts sometimes. We may joke about IF and our issues, but that is how we deal with it. And yes, I am saying "It's okay for us to do it, but it's not okay for you to." Contradicting yourself is one of the privileges that comes along with IF. I'm not mad at anyone or singling any one specific person out, there are several offenders running a muck right now, lol. Just think before you speak? Okay?


So, long story short:
-I still have PCOS
-I also have LPD
-We have no concerns regarding MFI or Ben
-We are moving to Clomid unless we get pg this cycle
-If we are unsuccessful with Clomid, we will move to IUI ~August
-I feel great
-Please think before you speak
-I love Rachel

And now you are up to speed on my baby factory, Ben's swimmers and our plan of action. What more could you ask for?



Hug&Kisses

Time Out.

Seriously. I need 15 minutes to just sit.



Where's the damn pause button?


I promise I will update soon about our RE appt on Friday (good news, no worries) and all the other insanity going on around me right now at some point. We go to the RE again tomorrow so I may just wait until then so I can give the whole story.


Three weeks til graduation. I can do this. It's just three weeks.


Hug&Kisses

Happy Easter, Buddha

We love you so much more than you will ever know. Enjoy this day, baby!

Love,

Mom and Dad

The wait is almost over!

Today, 4/10, we meet with our new Reproductive Endocrinologist.

Holy.
Snot.




I'm nervous and excited all in the same breath. Here's to hoping for good reports and more answers that place us once step closer to bringing home a little one of our own.

Cross your fingers for us!



Hugs&Kisses

Zero Tolerance.

This article is why I have ZERO tolerance for drunk driving. There will never be an excuse, IMO, to drive drunk. Ever. My blood is boiling over this.

"Gallo (the drunk driver) has a history of arrests for driving under the influence. While withholding specifics, Hamilton said his blood-alcohol reading was above the minimum. The officer also said Gallo was driving with a license suspended due to his DUI infractions." (pulled from this article)

The legal system makes is entirely too easy to buy your way out of a DUI charge these days and it is totally, 1oo% unacceptable. The drunk driver in this case had multiple DUI/drunk in public charges prior to this incident. WHY was he back out on the streets? This makes no sense to me at all.

You drive drunk, you lose your license for a substantial amount of time.. No second chances, no "I didn't know I was drunk" BS. You lose your license. Simple as that.

Innocent people dying because someone was too irresponsible to find alternate transportation is unacceptable.


/vent over.


Hugs&Kisses




This message brought to you by someone whose own brother has a DUI charge pending against him at the moment. The same rules should apply to him.

One month away...

We are one month away from our original due date. I am dreading the day and all that it should have been and looking forward to it so we can be done with the "I would have been X weeks pregnant." "I would have been due in X months." parts of child loss. It's those parts that people seem to forget.

I've thought about you a lot this week, Buddha. I see babies daily now, both for school and for work, and I think of you every time I look at one of them. We love you so much, baby, and we know you are so much more happy on the other side than we ever could have made you here. This is how this is supposed to be, even though I hate it so much. Be a good boy. We plan on doing something fun on your birthday, so make sure you "check in" on us come May 7.

Love,
Momma


Hugs&Kisses

Let it be known throughout the land...Pt.2

If it comes down to missing a day of school or my ovaries shutting down, I am going to choose my ovaries. Sorry. I'm attached to them.

In my personal opinion, it is totally ridiculous, asinine and unfair to make me feel like I have to choose between a day of school (that can be made up) and a really important Dr's appointment.

God knows you have missed class to attend an appointment.

I should have just walked with my Bachelor's and been done.

Four more weeks. Four more weeks. Four more weeks.



Hugs&Kisses


PS- I also think it is stupid that the girl (me) who has to drive an HOUR to get to school has to commute three days a week, but the girl who has to commute five minutes only has to show up two days a week. Methinks it would be easier to schedule Dr's appointments if I only had obligations to fulfill/work around two days a week instead of three. Makes sense, right? /end of passive aggressive ranting.

Pass the heating pad and the Tylenol.

Oh, my ute.



I think it may have fallen out somewhere between my front door and the mailbox. Like a good, no, great husband, Ben has ran to Kroger and will return shortly with my monthly supplies. I love him for so many reasons, this is a major one.


::snuggles under the covers with a heating pad::


This.Sucks.


Hugs&Kisses

Let it be known throughout the land...

HUSBANDS:

You NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, under ANY circumstances eat the last big, soft, delicious chocolate chip cookie on the same day your wife starts her period.

It's a no-no.

Should you choose to break this rule, don't roll your eyes and huff and puff when she starts crying or the water works will start all over again.


Enjoy your evening.




Hugs&Kisses


PS- It wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't really trying to ration my sugar/carb intake right now and had been saving carbs ALL DAY. I know I could have gotten away with eating it without saving the carbs since I'm not a diabetic, but I'm on a really good routine and schedule right now. I didn't want to ruin it. In hindsight, I should have ate it when he was sleeping this afternoon.