Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Better late than never....

I promised an update over the weekend and didn't deliver. I'm a terrible person. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

So, here I sit, watching American Idol on the DVR and catching up with all my online what-nots that have been neglected lately.

Ben and I are still doing well. We are enjoying the Spring like weather and each other. There have been several times lately that we have not been able to stop laughing. I feel like we are connecting with each other on different levels every day.

I am really appreciating this time that we have to ourselves to be silly and irresponsible (within limits) and just having fun. I know this time is irreplaceable and I am doing much better as seeing this time as a blessing as opposed to a sad time that should be filled with baby showers and last minute baby preparations. As our original due date gets closer and closer, it stings just a little more on certain days but the sadness is much less than it used to be. The long prayed for acceptance I have been begging God for is starting to pour in and I can say this is the most comfortable I have ever been with our loss.

School is school. I have never been more happy that this is my FINAL semester. I can not take much more. I don't even enjoy it anymore. It's old. The professors (aside from one, who I am really enjoying this semester) really could not care less about you as a student. I called in sick to clinicals one day because...I don't know...I was barfing my guts up and caught shit for it. Um. Hello! I work with small children with underdeveloped immune systems people. WHY would I go into a child care center if I am sick? Really. And my best friend in the program (Hi, Meaghan!) was told today she isn't smart enough to teach Preschool and was accused of not showing up to her clinicals, even though she has proof that she was there. Get it together, Marshall. When I was given the exit survey for graduating students, I really gave it to them.

Clearly I had nothing specific to write about today. Well, I take that back, I have plenty to write about, but I am saving it until it all processes through my mind (which has a tendancy to take a while). There is a lot that really weighs on my mind, but I am really careful to not write entries when emotions are still running so strongly through my veins. Without laying it all out on the table and saying things I may regret later or that may hurt someone now, all I am going to say is I am really dissapointed in the way some family has been over the past few months. I am not going to say which side is so dissapointing because that would be juvenile and childish, but these pepole know who they are and I highly doubt they care. They have really made me question myself, my faith and everything I stand for and believe in. I know I don't need people like that in my life but they are family. I can't just not see them or talk to them. I know there is going to come a day when I have to see them, there is no avoiding it. I also know that I am not so good at holding my tongue. If you strike at me, I tend to strike back twice as hard and not sensor what comes out of my mouth. What pisses me off about this whole situation is this is supposed to be family! I am not supposed to have to deal with this! I should not have to feel ashamed of our loss or our infertility issues. I should not feel like I have to sensor what I say on public social sites so people won't judge the hardships we are facing. It's so assinine I can barely comprehend it. And that is all I am going to say about that.

Now, having said that, our infertility consult (or our fertility consult as I am calling it-I think it sounds less negative that way) is this coming up, this Monday, the 16th. I am really feeling the stress of the whole situation right now so if you would keep us in your prayers or thoughts in the upcoming days we would both really appreciate it. We know God has a plan for us and our future children and in the end this is going to be so, so worth all the hard times and the tears. I am very, very optimistic that we will hear good news and they will have a plan of action for us relatively soon.

Hugs and Kisses

PS-Let me know if there is anything I can pray for YOU about!


Kim said...

Hoping for really good news to be posted on the 16th from your appointment! A little prayer said for you :)

momqat said...

You are SO like your mother! When you do blow your top, weigh your words carefully. No sense in making yourself look as brainless as the person you invited to that "come to Jesus" party!