Monday, March 23, 2009

Ignorance is Bliss?

All of the following comments have been made either in this post or on TrueMomConfessions

  • Did anyone get pregnant by accident? It just seems like everyone is trying SO HARD to conceive. Is it really that hard? My sister in law got pregnant by accident and it makes me wonder how that is possible?
  • When you are ttc, it seems like EVERYONE else can just think about getting pregnant and poof then they are. Then when you are actually pregnant you stop the pity party, open your eyes and realize that it was just a perception. I was totally that bitter ttc woman. Hopefully I know better now.
  • We got pregnant on our first try, 1st month BC. While we were planning on a baby, we were just going to take our time and see what happens. Fertility issues aside, some people just try too hard I think and then the stress just makes everything worse.

  • Infertility is God's method of population control.
  • I had such an easy time getting pregnant every time. Secretly, whenever I hear of someone having infertility problems, a small part of me actually feels superior because my body works so well. Whenever someone I know with fertility problems gets a negative test, I think "haha". It's to the point with some people that I feel let down when they actually do get pregnant, like a game I was playing in my head just ended.
  • Count your blessings. Motherhood is not all that it is cut out to be...
  • I think that infertility is going up because of Mother Nature. There are already too many people and everyone is living much longer. Sooner or later we are going to use up the world's resources. I also don't understand why people have more than 1 or 2 children. Really what's the point?

And some of the replies from us infertiles:
  • Yes, because trying too hard was exactly what caused our infertility.
  • Seriously?! Trying to hard did not cause our MFI.
  • I got pregnant with DS while on birth control. He was a complete surprise. It then took us 18 months, a miscarriage, and fertility medicine to conceive this child.

    There is no way to "know" if it will be easy for you or not. Those of you who got pregnant "without even trying" should be aware that it might not always be that way.

    A little sensitivity to people who have been trying for a long ass time could be in order.

  • You know, it's this perception that makes the struggle with IF 10x harder. It's completely ignorant and frankly makes you sound like a smug _asshole.

    You got lucky. Don't think for a second you have any idea what you are talking about.
  • I don't think people should comment on others choice to undergo fertility treatments until they have the big, red, ugly INFERTILE stamp across the top of their chart at the OBGYN's office. You don't know what you would do in that situation so don't judge me for the decisions my husband and I make.
  • For all the women who think that infertile couples shouldn't attempt fertility drugs or treatments, probably have biological children. Saying that it is just meant to be that way and they shouldn't seek treatment for it, would be like saying that someone with heart disease shouldn't take heart medication.
  • I wouldn't wish infertility on my worst enemy. I wish more people understood how hard it is.
My personal favorite reply:
  • I find the "is it really that hard to get pregnant?" question offensive. People that have never walked the road of infertility have no freaking clue how life changing one little checked box can be. To see "infertility" marked as your diagnosis is heartbreaking. Living your life in two week increments sucks as$.

    People that get pregnant on their first month off of BC have no idea how a woman dealing with infertility uterus aches when she sees a mommy share a special moment with her little one. You don't know what it's like to dodge the dreaded question of "When are you going to start your family?"

    People that say "just relax and you'll get pregnant" deserve to be throat punched. Relaxing isn't going to make a mans sperm more mobile, isn't going to create more sperm, isn't going to unblock someones tubes, and isn't going to force a woman to ovulate.

    80% of couples get pregnant in their first year trying, but people need to have some compassion and cuth when it comes to dealing with those of us that weren't/aren't so lucky.

Let me go on record and make it clear- us infertiles aren't angry people that stomp around the baby section at Target kicking pregnant girls. Some of the responses above are a little harsh, but some of the original statements cut straight through to the heart. We are couples that live normal lives, have normal jobs and put our pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. We don't expect people to walk on egg shells around us like we are ticking time bombs. Infertility is a part of who we are, just as our nationality, religion and choices fine (read: cheap) wines are.

We, however, don't need the added judgment from the peanut gallery. Ask us questions, but do it with compassion and a genuine interest. Don't exclude us from your baby shower- you are passing on a really awesome gift! Don't talk about us with everyone but us. Word travels. As I have said a million times, don't judge the decisions we make regarding our process to have a child.

We will all choose different paths. Some will choose to do nothing. They will either adopt or live their lives together without children. That doesn't mean they wanted a baby any less than anyone else. Others will choose fertility drugs or IUI or hormone therapy or IVF. Those are their choices to make. As long as they are thought through, well educated decisions, don't add your .02, okay? The decisions are hard enough to make without harsh (and usually unwanted) commentary from outside parties.

As for Ben and I and the path we will choose, we don't know yet. We don't know when we will know. We have always talked about adoption, even before our IF Dx, so that may be the route we take. We also have such a desire for a biological child and are thankful there are medical interventions available now that may help us get there. Hell, God seems to have a sense of humor, maybe we will get pregnant the old fashioned way again. Bow chicka wow wow.

So, that's all I really have to say about that.

ALSO- If you like a good, positive Christian message without all the hell, fire and brimstone nonsense, see if Joel Osteen is on one of your TV networks on Sunday night. I have been watching him on and off since.....I lived in Holderby Hall at Marshall U, so for awhile now and he always seems to be preaching directly to me. It's not a preachy-preachy message, but one of hope and promise. I really enjoy it! He doesn't ask you to be the straight and narrow Christian who never falls off the wagon, but weekly he asks you to be the best person you can be, accepting your faults and learning from your mistakes. Let me know if you watch him, like him/dislike him, want to punch him, like daisy's or still play hopscotch.

The seeds you sow will create the harvest you need.


Anonymous said...

"Infertility is God's method of population control."

This INFURIATES me. So population control is the reason that healthy, well-adjusted, educated, gainfully employed, decent, kind, and loving people aren't able to get pregnant. BUT homeless, drug-addicted, chemically imbalanced, living-off-the-system drains on the economy can get pregnant left and right by just thinking about it. Yes, that's all God's doing. I would really like to slap the person who said this, and all the other people who made the asinine comments.

Cate said...

Get in line. There are millions of us who would like to slap these folks.